Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > The Melancholy of Axl Rose
The Melancholy of Axl Rose
4 reviewsFor some reason, as Slash enters his first year of High School, he only recognized TWO people there... Which means lots of people to meet! Including a very interesting girl... Er... Boy, named Axl ...
3Funny
Alright, this is just a little announcement. I am NOT endorsing drugs, alcohol, juvenile behavior, and racism… Well, okay, I AM endorsing drugs, alcohol, and juvenile behavior… But not racism. This is all just a SLIGHTLY sick and twisted parody of GN’R and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. So if the racist people mentioned seem to be getting away with it, don’t worry: They WILL get their asses kicked at some point.
Okay, asking someone how long they’ve believed in Santa Claus… Is just ridiculous. If you really want to know how long I’ve believed in some old fat guy with a funky red suit who jumps down people’s chimneys in the middle of the night to leave them presents and for some reason hasn’t been caught by the government or the FBI… I can honestly tell you, I NEVER believed in him.
For the record, I’m only telling you this because fifteen… FIFTEEN different people have asked me today. It’s not even close to Christmas! WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!
Anyway, having said that… I have to admit that while I didn’t ever believe in Santa Claus, I actually held on to the belief that things like espers, aliens, and time travelers existed until much later… Because honestly, those things are a lot cooler than Santa Claus, right?
But, eventually, I had to accept the fact that… Whoa, wait, when did I get to school?!
Slash looked around frantically. Apparently, at some point, when he had been collecting his thoughts about Santa, espers, aliens, time-travelers and the like, he had arrived at the classroom and sat at his desk without even thinking about it.
Not only that, but it was the first day of school, and for some reason the school staff had a horrible idea to make all of the students stand up and give fucking speeches on the first day.
And of course, he had zoned out for the first half of the speeches… He was in the middle of the room… It was his turn.
Uh-oh… He looked around frantically. Better think of some lame shit FAST…
“Alright…” He stood up. “I’m… Very honored…” Too fag-like… “And… Excited to be here today.” Alright, that should be good enough… “And I hope we all have a great year together.”
He sat down quickly. Oh good… Safe…
Apparently he didn’t notice the other students staring at him with amused expressions… Trying to evaluate how mentally retarded he must be.
“Um… Alright…” The teacher sounded slightly uncomfortable… “Er… You next. The girl behind him.”
“I’m a fucking guy!”
Whoa… Sweet… You tell him, dude. Slash thought, smiling. … Okay… I should probably look at this guy. He turned around and saw a boy… Actually, he did look a lot like a girl… With long orange hair and bright green eyes. He was probably the shrimpiest guy in the class, standing there with crossed arms and a tough-guy look on his face.
“Er… Right… Sorry.” The teacher replied. Ah shit… Got the two freaks in the middle of the room… “Would you like to present your speech?”
“Yeah, whatever.” The red-head stood up and looked around the classroom. “My name is Axl Rose, and… Well, I don’t have any time for you normal people. Honestly, you bore the fuck out of me. But if there are any espers, aliens, and time-travelers out there, please come see me.” He sat down, but stood again a second later just to add, “Oh, and if I happened to think of the exact supernatural creatures you were thinking of earlier this morning, it was an accident, I swear. I am NOT a mind reader.”
Slash sighed with relief as Axl sat back down again.
Oh good… He’s not a mind reader. I was staring to get worried when he HAPPENED to mention the EXACT supernatural creatures I was thinking of earlier this morning… Well, good to know I’m safe. He smiled as he tilted his head back, not noticing Axl’s groan of protest as his dark curls fell over his desk. … I feel a little out of it… Maybe I shouldn’t have smoked so much pot before school…
“Dude! Get your head off of my desk!” Axl ordered.
“Hold on, I’m tired.” Slash replied.
“Hey, come to think of it, what’s that guy’s name?” A random student wondered, pointing at Slash. “Wasn’t he supposed to tell us during his sad excuse of a speech?”
“Yeah, what was with that, anyway?” An angrier classmate complained. “The rest of us had to stay up for WEEKS straight to perfect ours, asshole!”
“What’s your name?” A girl asked.
“Slash.” He replied, calmly.
“Slash?” A snobbier looking girl raised an eyebrow. “That’s not a real name…”
“It is if I say it is.” He replied.
Of course, Slash isn’t my REAL name. My real name is-
BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!
Oh, there goes that censor again… Apparently, I’m not allowed to tell you my real name. Sorry, dude. Guess you’ll just have to figure it out yourself… I’m pretty sure it’s on Wikipedia, if you want to try that…
“What’s your real name??” A boy asked.
“Fuck off.” He replied.
“What did you say to me?!” He demanded.
“Dude, don’t!” His apparent friend exclaimed. “He’s black!!!”
“No way!” A snobby looking girl let her mouth drop open. “What’s he doing in our school?!”
“You know, that would explain why he’s OBVIOUSLY stoned right now…”
“… I’m glad none of my classmates are, like, racist or anything…” Slash commented. Unfortunately, due to the effects of certain drugs, he wasn’t quite sure if he was being sarcastic or not.
“Don’t worry about it.” Axl replied. “Hey, you’ve actually got it pretty good. You just walk out the door in the middle of class. Anyone tries to stop you, you just say that you’re black. You drink and smoke in school. Anyone’s got something to say about it, ‘Hey, dude, back off. I’m black.’ Yeah… Come to think of it, you’re fucking lucky.”
“That’s true.” Slash agreed. “But I’m actually only half black.”
“… Yeah, you might not want to mention that part.”
“Noted.” Slash nodded.
“… Slash is a pretty cool name.” Axl decided.
“Thanks, man.” The boy in question raised a thumbs up.
And that’s when I knew my entire life was going downhill… Well, not really. That happened after I sobered up, but… Wait, how do I know that? This is a present-time story… Hey! What if I’m a psychic??
“Dude, you’re not.” Axl argued.
Shoot…
“And in case you forgot,” The red-head added, “I am NOT a mind reader.”
“Cool.” Slash replied. “… But if you don’t mind, I’m probably going to have some questions for you once I’m not stoned.”
“Like hell and you will!” Axl replied. “Don’t talk to me like I’m your equal! You’ll never be as important as me! I’m THE Axl! THE AXL!!!”
“… Well, yeah.” Slash agreed. “But… I’m black.”
“… Dude, don’t use my ideas against me.” Axl ordered.
“… Fine.”
And so, apparently, Axl has gotten the upper hand… Or that’s what HE thinks…. Yeah, this’ll work out… When he’s DEAD!!!
… You know, they should definitely invent a cure for being stoned.
Okay, asking someone how long they’ve believed in Santa Claus… Is just ridiculous. If you really want to know how long I’ve believed in some old fat guy with a funky red suit who jumps down people’s chimneys in the middle of the night to leave them presents and for some reason hasn’t been caught by the government or the FBI… I can honestly tell you, I NEVER believed in him.
For the record, I’m only telling you this because fifteen… FIFTEEN different people have asked me today. It’s not even close to Christmas! WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!
Anyway, having said that… I have to admit that while I didn’t ever believe in Santa Claus, I actually held on to the belief that things like espers, aliens, and time travelers existed until much later… Because honestly, those things are a lot cooler than Santa Claus, right?
But, eventually, I had to accept the fact that… Whoa, wait, when did I get to school?!
Slash looked around frantically. Apparently, at some point, when he had been collecting his thoughts about Santa, espers, aliens, time-travelers and the like, he had arrived at the classroom and sat at his desk without even thinking about it.
Not only that, but it was the first day of school, and for some reason the school staff had a horrible idea to make all of the students stand up and give fucking speeches on the first day.
And of course, he had zoned out for the first half of the speeches… He was in the middle of the room… It was his turn.
Uh-oh… He looked around frantically. Better think of some lame shit FAST…
“Alright…” He stood up. “I’m… Very honored…” Too fag-like… “And… Excited to be here today.” Alright, that should be good enough… “And I hope we all have a great year together.”
He sat down quickly. Oh good… Safe…
Apparently he didn’t notice the other students staring at him with amused expressions… Trying to evaluate how mentally retarded he must be.
“Um… Alright…” The teacher sounded slightly uncomfortable… “Er… You next. The girl behind him.”
“I’m a fucking guy!”
Whoa… Sweet… You tell him, dude. Slash thought, smiling. … Okay… I should probably look at this guy. He turned around and saw a boy… Actually, he did look a lot like a girl… With long orange hair and bright green eyes. He was probably the shrimpiest guy in the class, standing there with crossed arms and a tough-guy look on his face.
“Er… Right… Sorry.” The teacher replied. Ah shit… Got the two freaks in the middle of the room… “Would you like to present your speech?”
“Yeah, whatever.” The red-head stood up and looked around the classroom. “My name is Axl Rose, and… Well, I don’t have any time for you normal people. Honestly, you bore the fuck out of me. But if there are any espers, aliens, and time-travelers out there, please come see me.” He sat down, but stood again a second later just to add, “Oh, and if I happened to think of the exact supernatural creatures you were thinking of earlier this morning, it was an accident, I swear. I am NOT a mind reader.”
Slash sighed with relief as Axl sat back down again.
Oh good… He’s not a mind reader. I was staring to get worried when he HAPPENED to mention the EXACT supernatural creatures I was thinking of earlier this morning… Well, good to know I’m safe. He smiled as he tilted his head back, not noticing Axl’s groan of protest as his dark curls fell over his desk. … I feel a little out of it… Maybe I shouldn’t have smoked so much pot before school…
“Dude! Get your head off of my desk!” Axl ordered.
“Hold on, I’m tired.” Slash replied.
“Hey, come to think of it, what’s that guy’s name?” A random student wondered, pointing at Slash. “Wasn’t he supposed to tell us during his sad excuse of a speech?”
“Yeah, what was with that, anyway?” An angrier classmate complained. “The rest of us had to stay up for WEEKS straight to perfect ours, asshole!”
“What’s your name?” A girl asked.
“Slash.” He replied, calmly.
“Slash?” A snobbier looking girl raised an eyebrow. “That’s not a real name…”
“It is if I say it is.” He replied.
Of course, Slash isn’t my REAL name. My real name is-
BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!
Oh, there goes that censor again… Apparently, I’m not allowed to tell you my real name. Sorry, dude. Guess you’ll just have to figure it out yourself… I’m pretty sure it’s on Wikipedia, if you want to try that…
“What’s your real name??” A boy asked.
“Fuck off.” He replied.
“What did you say to me?!” He demanded.
“Dude, don’t!” His apparent friend exclaimed. “He’s black!!!”
“No way!” A snobby looking girl let her mouth drop open. “What’s he doing in our school?!”
“You know, that would explain why he’s OBVIOUSLY stoned right now…”
“… I’m glad none of my classmates are, like, racist or anything…” Slash commented. Unfortunately, due to the effects of certain drugs, he wasn’t quite sure if he was being sarcastic or not.
“Don’t worry about it.” Axl replied. “Hey, you’ve actually got it pretty good. You just walk out the door in the middle of class. Anyone tries to stop you, you just say that you’re black. You drink and smoke in school. Anyone’s got something to say about it, ‘Hey, dude, back off. I’m black.’ Yeah… Come to think of it, you’re fucking lucky.”
“That’s true.” Slash agreed. “But I’m actually only half black.”
“… Yeah, you might not want to mention that part.”
“Noted.” Slash nodded.
“… Slash is a pretty cool name.” Axl decided.
“Thanks, man.” The boy in question raised a thumbs up.
And that’s when I knew my entire life was going downhill… Well, not really. That happened after I sobered up, but… Wait, how do I know that? This is a present-time story… Hey! What if I’m a psychic??
“Dude, you’re not.” Axl argued.
Shoot…
“And in case you forgot,” The red-head added, “I am NOT a mind reader.”
“Cool.” Slash replied. “… But if you don’t mind, I’m probably going to have some questions for you once I’m not stoned.”
“Like hell and you will!” Axl replied. “Don’t talk to me like I’m your equal! You’ll never be as important as me! I’m THE Axl! THE AXL!!!”
“… Well, yeah.” Slash agreed. “But… I’m black.”
“… Dude, don’t use my ideas against me.” Axl ordered.
“… Fine.”
And so, apparently, Axl has gotten the upper hand… Or that’s what HE thinks…. Yeah, this’ll work out… When he’s DEAD!!!
… You know, they should definitely invent a cure for being stoned.
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