FicWad

Love is the greatest human emotion. It can be comforting, relieving, passionate, and joyful while at the same time can be fearful, overwhelming, and even a little miserable. When you find someone, not just anyone, but the person who will love you more than life itself, your hearts become one. Everything they feel, you feel. You can tell when something is wrong even if the other is unaware of it or has showed no abnormal actions. Love is the strongest bond two people can hold; only able to be broken by the people holding each end. That's the bond that instated itself between me and Frank that night.

The moment Frank told me he loved me, everything suddenly changed. All night I was unable to sleep. I only laid on my bed, holding Frank so tightly that I had to make sure he was still breathing a few times. As I thought about it, I realized that I loved Frank as well and as soon as he woke up I would let him know. I knew it would take strength to tell him that since I hadn't uttered those three small words to anyone since Bert's death. Closing my eyes for one last attempt at sleep, I managed to drift off only to end up in one of the most bitter-sweet dreams I ever had.

When I opened my eyes, Frank was not in my arms or nowhere in sight. I was alone on my bed, fully dressed , only my bed was in the middle of nowhere itself. As I got up to walk around in an attempt to figure out where I was, a voice spoke to me, shattering my core and I turned to see the very thing I dreaded.

"Hey Gerard baby." Bert stood right before me, smiling, in the same outfit he died in.

"B-Bert?" I stammered and he nodded. "How...where...Frankie..." Bert walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me, his dirty black hair covering his face.

"I wanted to see you one last time." He whispered into my ear. "To have you see me."

"What do you mean?" I put my arms around Bert, joy flooding through me as I held his body close to mine. "I miss you so fucking much." Tears escaped my eyes and were absorbed by his haphazardly worn uniform.

"I miss you too babe." Bert pulled my face from his shoulder and wiped the tears away. "But you have to move on Gee." He smiled but I only cried more. I was just able to get over the pain I held inside from thinking about him but now he stood before me as though nothing happened. "I hope you understand why I did what I did."

"Why'd you leave me?" Tears still flowed from my burning eyes. My body felt like it was being crushed with pain and I was falling to it.

"Because babe." Again he wiped my face clean. "I loved you with all my heart. When my parents wanted to take you from me, I knew my heart would shatter to leave you. I couldn't let you waste your love waiting for me to return, so by ending my life I figured you would be able to move on." My head fell back to his shoulder.

"That's the fucking worse excuse I've ever heard." I held him tightly, enjoying touching his body again. It was warn and soft just like I remembered.

"No matter how much I miss and love you, I stand by my actions." Bert lifted my head then put his lips to mine. The taste that had been lost to me for years suddenly danced through my mouth. When he pulled away, he smiled at me warmly and I pulled his face back to mine. I couldn't get enough of it but he pulled away again and this time I let him talk. "Don't dwell on my death baby." Bert ran his fingers through my hair. "I've been watching you. That Frank boy; he's different isn't he?"

"Frankie's special." My tears finally began to dry.

"I know." Bert continued to smile. "I was so relieved when I saw you two getting closer." He ran his hand along my face to dry the last of the tears. "He loves you Gerard."

"I love him." I said quietly then looked to him the white ground below us. "But I love you too." Bert pulled my face up and made me look into his eyes that were filled with comfort.

"Babe, I'm gone." He rubbed my arm gently. "I'm not coming back either." The images of his death flashed through my mind and my heart pulsed with pain. "But Frank's not gone. He loves you and believe me when I tell you that he won't do anything to hurt you like I did." I hugged Bert again just to take in the fact that his soul, or body, or whatever it was standing before me was really there. "I'm sorry I hurt you Gerard but you need to let me go and move on." I shook my head and continued to hold him tightly. "Frank's given his heart to you. Love him back." He made me let go of him.

"Please don't go." I whispered, trying to hold on.

"We'll be together again." He kissed me one last time. "I promise." Bert began to walk away and I tried to go after him but I couldn't move. "Don't try to kill yourself again or you'll destroy him." Bert's sweet voice rang through my mind and I hugged myself, falling to my knees, my heart feeling like it was going to burst. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as I lost my focus on anything that was going on. The feeling is hard to describe but it felt as though I was being slowly suffocated while someone constantly jabbed me with needles, making me freak out even more because needles were not something I coped with well. All feeling in my body vanished and for a few seconds it felt as though I was non-existent.

"Gerard! Gerard, please wake up!" I opened my eyes t see Frank staring at me with more fear then I had ever seen anyone express before. When our eyes met, he threw his arms around my neck and clung to me so I couldn't move at all. "I woke up to you crying and you wouldn't wake and you stopped breathing and-" He cried hysterically into my neck so I put my arms around him.

"It's alright Frankie." I whispered to him. "I'm right here."

He had gotten really freaked out because he cried a lot, squeezed me tightly, and was choking slightly as he tried to breath. "I thought I lost you." Frank buried his head in my chest. As I ran my fingers through his hair, I realized that Bert was right. No matter how much I loved him, he was gone and wasn't coming back. Frank wasn't gone though and there was no way in hell I wanted to lose him.

"You need to calm down before you get sick." I whispered and he nodded. Uncomfortable, I sat up on the bed and leaned against the wall, pulling Frank up with me. He sat on my lap, his arms still around my neck and his head resting on my chest. Frank's breathing started to regulate again as he calmed himself down while I wrapped the blanket around us. "Better?" Again he nodded, still choking a bit.

"Are you ok?" Frank asked when he was pretty much calmed down.

"I'm fine baby." I rubbed Frank's back gently while he was completely and relaxed.

"Don't leave me." He said quietly and I smiled, pulling his face to mine.

"I never could." I kissed him and though his face was no longer illuminated by the table lamp, I could tell he was smiling. "I love you."

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Frank ended up getting sick from getting so upset that night. The school nurse said he was pretty sick but not quite bad enough to be rushed to the hospital yet. It wasn't the flu but it was close so he needed as much rest as he could get, which was easy since we were on month long dorm arrest. I felt really bad because he threw up like once a day and he had an awful time getting to sleep, then staying asleep when he finally passed out. Gallagher said if he wasn't better by the end of the week he was going to the hospital so he could get medication. I knew he would be fine so I would just lay with him and put damp clothes on his head to keep his fevers down.

I dreaded Wednesday night not only because I had to see my new shrink, but because I would have to leave Frank who said he would be fine and that he was feeling better. He still looked sick but he wasn't as bad and managed to sleep for about four hours before waking up again. "You have to go soon." He told me quietly. I was sitting on the bed drawing with Frank lying next to me, watching my pencil scratch across the paper even though I really didn't want him to.

"I have time." I continued to scratch the graphite into the paper. I still had a half hour till I had to be there and it was a five minute walk.

"Yeah but you want to make sure you're on time." Frank mumbled, his eyes still following my pencil.

"Fine." I put the sketchbook down and bent over to kiss his forehead. It was still pretty warm and I ran my hand along his slightly red face. "You sure you'll be ok?"

"I'll be fine." He said with a small smile but I couldn't help but worry because he was sick and I didn't want him to get worse. "I think I'll try to sleep."

"You'll get Ray or one of the others if you need something, right?" He laughed slightly as I got off the bed.

"Yes mother." Frank smiled again and I couldn't help but smile back at him. I pulled the blanket over him and kissed his cheek. "Have fun." I rolled my eyes and headed for the door, quietly shutting it behind me. My stomach churned as I walked the vacant halls of the dorm because I didn't want to see a psychiatrist. I had a bad experience with the last one when I was younger and I didn't want to go through that again. When I reached the door, the guard examined me carefully.

"At least buy me dinner first." I gave him my usual charm as he padded me down to make sure I didn't have the gun that was confiscated long ago. This occurred every time I left or entered the building and it got really annoying.

"You have an hour and a half to make it back, Way." He told me as I pushed the door open. Straightening my clothes, I headed down the empty sidewalk to the main building where I was graciously greeted by Gallagher who kept checking his watch and tapping his foot with aggravation.

"It's 7:01 Mr. Way." He told me as I walked up the stone steps to the door. "You're late."

"Oh no! A whole minute!" I said sarcastically as I passed him. "I'll be sure to write you another paper on tardiness." I opened the door just enough for me to get in. Gallagher said something under his breath, no doubt cursing me out, and opened the door for himself then escorted me to his office.

"You better show respect tonight Gerard." Gallagher warned me as we made our way to his office. I ignored him as I opened the door, heading to his small office, finding a man in jeans and a regular shirt sitting in one of his chairs. The sight caught me off guard because my previous shrink had on tightly clothes and kept her hair pulled tightly into a bun. This guy though looked like an ordinary person on the street and I wondered if he was for real.

"You must be Gerard." The man stood with a smile as he extended his hand to me. Gallagher half shoved me towards him so I put my hand out to shake his. "My name's Brian." My tension seemed to ease as I looked at Brain. He reminded me nothing of a psychiatrist but rather as an older friend. I still held some tension though because looks can be deceiving. "Well Mr. Gallagher, Gerard is here. You can leave now." The look on Gallagher's face was priceless and I tried not to laugh. He turned and left with shock as Brain sat down, motioning for me to take the opposite chair.

"You're wasting your time." I told him as I fell into the very familiar chair. "I'm not talking to you."

"You're talking to me now." He smiled and I decided I didn't like him. I didn't care much for anyone who was like myself in the sense that they pointed out the obvious and were sarcastic. They only exceptions of course being my friends, Mikey, and Frank. "Tell me a bit about yourself." Brian said, folding his hands in his lap. He had no clipboard or notebook or anything to record what I was said. It was just him, sitting and staring, waiting to listen to whatever I said.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, figuring that maybe I judged him a bit too soon.

"Whatever you want to tell me." Brain said, continuing to smile. "Any siblings, pets, special family, classes you like, hobbies; whatever."

"I have a younger brother named Mikey." I told him quietly. "No pets, no special family, hate school, and I draw." Each suggestion was easy for me to vaguely answer. "Anything else?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?" He asked and I sighed, hoping we would be able to avoid this topic. I wasn't going to lie to him though so I took a deep breath in and tried to clear my mind.

"No, I have a boyfriend." My words carried pride and rather than Brian starting to going on about how it was a phase or other homophobic bullshit, he nodded and sat in a more comfortable position.

"What's his name?"

"Frank." I was slightly afraid of the way Brian was responding to me.

"Tell me about Frank." Brian looked at me with curiosity. "How do you feel around him?"

"Amazing." I smiled as I thought about Frank. Though I had seen him moments before, I shut my eyes and pictured Frank standing beside me, shirtless of course, smiling warmly like he always did. "He's sick right now."

"Is he ok?" Brian seemed really interested in what I was saying to him but I tried to deny the fact that he might actually care by telling myself that it was his job to listen to people.

"Yeah; he'll be fine." I opened my eyes again. "He just got really worked up the other night because of this dream, I think that's what it was, that I had. It really freaked him out because I guess I stopped breathing or something and he couldn't wake me up for awhile. He ended up getting sick. Weird, huh?"

"What happened in your dream?" It was question after question with this guy. I looked to the ground as I felt Brian's eyes drill into me. "Gerard, I can't help you if you keep things from me."

"I never asked for your help." I started to become hostile towards him, which I did to everyone after so long.

"Everyone needs a little help every now and again." His voice was gentle just like Frank's when he talked to me. "I would really like to know what happened in your dream. Nothing leaves this room. It's known as 'patient confidentiality'. The only things that leave, leave inside yours and mine mind's. That is unless what you tell me could be dangerous to someone's health or illegal. Then I have to tell someone." There was no way I was going to win an argument so I gave in.

"I had a dream that I was talking, holding, kissing, my old boyfriend Bert." I said without looking at Brian. "He died a few years ago from overdosing."

"Do you remember what you talked about?" Brian's voice was calm and comforting.

"He told me I needed to move on and stop dwelling on his death." I fought off tears as I spoke.

"Do you think you need to move on?" I nodded and there was a long moment of silence before he spoke again. "Do you think your old boyfriend was visiting you in your sleep?" Again I nodded and put my gaze on Brian who looked at me with curiosity. "I was informed that you attempted to overdose yourself. Mind sharing why?" I was glad we got off the topic of Bert. Eventually I knew I would be able to get over him, but in small steps and over a good amount of time.

"I don't deserve to live." I mumbled.

"Why do you think that?" Brian couldn't leave any answer I gave him alone. He always wanted more.

"Because I'm gay."

"Are you ashamed of it?" I had to stop and think about my answer. I couldn't exactly say I was ashamed, but I wasn't making it obvious to the world either.

"No; it's just complicated."

"How so?"

"My father used to rape me, it caused an innocent boy to take his own life, and I get beat up every day." That was the short hand version of it and I knew Brian would want more so before he could ask another question, I continued. "My father didn't want a gay son so he made it better by raping me each night. " I told him in a sarcastic tone. "Bert, my old boyfriend, killed himself because his parents wanted him to attend a different school, refusing to accept our relationship." Again Brian tried to talk but I wouldn't let him. "And each day this homophobic asshole named Lance beats the shit out of me and my friends but no one does anything because his father contributes large amounts of money to the school. On top of getting the breath beat out of my lungs, I get blamed and stuck on dorm arrest until I apologize to Lance for begging him to make me puke blood." I was finished and Brian was speechless.

"How do you feel right now?" He asked a few minutes later after he took it all in.

"Pretty fucking amazing actually." I said with a smile. It was true; I did feel good.

"Well Gerard, I enjoyed our time." He smiled and stood. "I look forward to next week." I noticed that it was already eight. "My only advice to you is for the next week, find someone you can talk to whenever you're upset because talking seems to really help you." I stood up. "Perhaps Frank." Brian shook my hand one last time and I went to the door to leave.

"Thanks." I said quietly before leaving. "For listening."

"You're welcome." When Gallagher saw me, he looked to me with warning as he went inside his office to talk to Brian. When the door shut, I pressed my ear against the wood to listen. "He's a very complicated young man who's been through a lot."

"What can we do to help?" Shock flooded me. I never thought I'd hear that from Gallagher.

"He talks very highly of a Frank." Brian said. "His boyfriend."

"He's roommates with a Frank."

"Good. I think Frank is the best thing for him right now. He needs someone close to him to talk to." I decided that Brian wasn't all that bad after all. "There's one more thing I wish to talk about."

"What?"

"He said to me there's a boy named Lance who beats him up and Gerard get's punished for it." So much for patient confidentiality. "That's not good for his physical or mental well being. Especially being a young gay man."

"Gerard and Lance fight whenever they make contact." Gallagher said heavily. "Lance's father keeps our school alive. I hate to do it to Gerard but we can't lose financing from Mr. Froass."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Brian was getting angry with Gallagher. I was really starting to like him. "If this continues though, I'm afraid lives could be in danger."

"What do you mean?" Fear consumed Gallagher's voice.

"I must go. See you next week." Quickly, I ran from the office and then outside before Brian caught me listening. I didn't understand fully what he meant when he said lives could be in danger because I wouldn't go that far and I highly doubted Lance would.

The air outside was cold and I hugged myself as I quickly walked back to the dorms. My hair kept flying in my face because the wind was a little brutal. I should probably cut it because it's shoulder length but I like it and I'm too lazy to do anything about it. When I reached the building, I hurried in so I could escape the wind. The security guard searched me as usual and I smiled then said, "Still waiting for that dinner." before heading to my room.

I quietly opened the door just in case Frank was asleep. He wasn't, and to be honest, I didn't think he would be. I took off my shoes then went to my bed where Frank was still sprawled out. His face was bore a smile as I walked to him. "I was starting to think you weren't coming back." Frank teased as I got onto the bed and laid by him.

"Why would I not come back to you?" I asked as I put my arms around him, pulling him close to me. His head wasn't so hot and he was starting to look better. "How do you feel?"

"A lot better." Frank said, resting his head on my chest like always.

"No more getting yourself sick." I told him and he nodded.

"How was it?"

"Not bad actually." Frank smiled and gave me that 'I told you so' kind of look. Ever since I told him I had to see someone, he told me that it would be good for me. "I told him about you; us."

"And are you Satan's spawn?" I laughed, Frank laughing a little himself.

"Of course I am." I told him proudly. "But he actually encouraged me to be around you as much as I can."

"So I can keep you?!" Frank acted like a child begging his parents for a puppy. "I'll feed you and walk you and take good care of you!" He teased. I loved when he acted this way. It made me feel better and it gave him some innocence.

"Only if you behave." Frank frowned and I laughed. "Most of the time."

"I make no promises."

"Brian, my shrink, also freaked out on Gallagher about Lance." I said with dignity.

"Really?" There was joy in Frank's voice as he tried to imagine it. "I like your shrink."

"I like him too." I admitted. "Of course Gallagher put up the money argument." Frank scoffed a little and I nodded. "Oh well. We put Lance in his place anyway."

"We sure did." Frank's voice began to trail off and I could tell he was falling asleep which was best for him. "I want to meet Brian."

"You will probably." I said, getting comfortable before Frank actually passed out. "But for now, you need to worry about getting better." Frank wrapped his arms around my body, using it as his pillow, again, and shut his eyes. "Sweet dreams Frankie."

"Mmmm" was all he managed to say as I shut the light off and closed my eyes, falling asleep with him.

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A/N---Now that I finished my other story, I'M BACK ON THIS ONE. Well kinda. I started a new story because I write like 3 at a time xD

so yeah. Figured I had to get final Bert-good byes ((and good riddance)) in there as well as Gerard's therapy. Next chapter, FRANK'S BIRTHDAY. I think xD

xoxo Tabi

WTF. I have my itunes going ((as usual)) and "I'm Not Ok" TOTALLY just started playing. Freaky xD