FicWad

A/N: thanks to my beta, "gray-eyed Athena":http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1298955! and to the little devil next door for being an ass at night.

i posted this story on other sites too, should it feel familiar.

Disclaimer: no one owns the characters. plot idea is mine.


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Chapter 1


Frank dropped his cigarette on the ground and got up. They had been sitting outside on the parking lot for almost an hour, talking and fooling around. It was after midnight and they had enjoyed a pleasant summer night, before they had to drive on again the next morning for the next portion of their tour.

“Hey man, where’re you going?” asked Ray, looking up at Frank, who merely turned around slightly, clearly not wanting to face them.

“Uhm… just off to bed, I’m way tired,” he answered, letting his fingers brush the hair out of his eyes. He needed to get out of there, now.

“Alright, good night!” came the answer from almost all of them. All but one. Gerard was watching his friend heading towards the bus, with his hands in his pockets and his head hanging down. He was apparently lost in thoughts and did not hear the rest of the conversation of his friends.

“I’m thirsty, what about we go inside; Jerry’s still up,” Bob suggested, nodding towards the hotel behind them and the lights coming from the room of their local tour manager.

“Sure. Let’s go visit Jerry.” Ray stood up and pulled Mikey up too.

“I’m going to sleep. See you guys!” Gerard said, waving goodbye to them and making his way towards the bus, but not without turning around to check if they had disappeared into the building. They had.

Meanwhile Frank had reached the bus and jumped inside, climbing in his bunk, using Ray’s bed under him as a stair and closing the curtains, not bothering to remove his clothes.
He lay on his back for a couple of seconds, eyes open, staring at the bunk above him, trying to breathe normally and fighting back the tears that stung in his eyes.
But his insides were screaming and the emotions were fighting to get out. After a few more moments he slammed his fist against the wall. Then again. And again. With all the noise he was making and all the thoughts that kept rushing through his head, he did not hear someone enter the bus. Finally, he turned over until he was lying face down, and buried his head in his pillow.

“FUCK!” he screamed into it, the pillow muffling his outburst; he did not want the others to hear. He could feel tears spill and just became angrier, because he couldn’t control his emotions, but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. He thought he heard the curtain to his bunk being pulled back at some point, but when he didn’t hear anything more he forgot about it again.
Then suddenly he heard his voice. The voice of the man he loved so much that it made him sick.

“What’s wrong?” He could hear it was filled with worry and sincerity.

“Nothing.” He was still talking into his pillow, not realising his hands had turned into fists, holding onto it so tightly his knuckles had turned white. He stopped crying and tried to steady his breathing. He could hear that Gerard was not moving and felt him staring at him. Frank turned towards the wall, with his back to his friend, his hand wiping away the tears. He wanted him to leave, wanted him to stay. He wanted to shout at him and he wanted to feel his lips on his. He wanted to pull him close and wanted to run away. What a mess.

“I’m okay,” he said to the wall.

“You’re not.”
Frank knew he had to try harder to get rid of him, so he turned on his back, and glanced over at Gerard, whose arms rested crossed on his bed and his eyes were filled with love looking at him. Love? Love?! Great, now he was imagining things.
He turned his head towards the ceiling again and choked back fresh tears.

“Just leave.” He said quietly, fearing that his voice would break and give him away if he talked just a little louder.

“I won’t,” Gerard answered determined but soft.

“Fine, than keep standing there.”

“I will.”
Damn.
He felt tears running down his cheeks. How did this happen? Why did he have to fall in love with Gerard; he was so scared. He couldn’t tell him, because either he would abandon him or – only in his wildest dreams - Gerard would really be with him, but then would eventually leave him because he would realize he didn’t like Frank-the-boyfriend. And he didn’t want to lose him.
So don’t tell him! Said the voice in his head. He wouldn’t.
Suddenly Gerard moved.
Go!
Don’t go!
Frank closed his eyes, only to feel a body – Gerard’s body – lying down beside him. He opened his eyes again, turned his head and looked into Gerard’s eyes. They were so beautiful. His hand wanted to touch his cheek so badly, to brush away the strands of hair that hung into his eyes, to… he made a fist, as to control eventual accidentally movements. Ouch. His heart hurt. This man beside him didn’t even know what he was doing to him.
He could still feel the warm tears on his skin. He knew Gerard had seen them, but he didn’t care. He never wanted to get out of bed, not with Gerard on his side anyway. At this thought, he felt more tears filling his eyes again, he couldn’t stop it, but he brought his hands up to cover his face and was about to turn away from Gerard again, when he felt that he was being pulled back. Gerard had turned him to face him, and Frank was now crying silently against his chest, his face only separated from Gerard’s body through his hands that shielded the tears. Frank could feel Gerard stroking his back comfortingly.
Shit, somebody kill me, he thought. He could not stand this much longer; he felt as though he was about to break. Frank caught hold of Gerard’s jacket, holding it tightly. At this, the stroking stopped and he felt Gerard’s arm moving back, taking Frank’s hand from the grip of his jacket and into his, never letting go. He managed to soothe him somehow, and after some minutes, Frank fell exhausted to sleep, still holding Gerard’s hand.
Gerard noticed the steady breathing and pulled slightly back to check to see if Frank was sleeping. When he saw his tearstained eyes closed and his chest rising slowly up and down, he smiled sadly. What was wrong with his friend? He wanted to help him. He wanted him to smile again. He lay there some moments watching Frank sleep, when he turned over onto his back. Gerard smiled again, when he saw that Frank hadn’t let go of his hand, while he had moved.
Finally, he too fell asleep.

-

“What the fuck…?” Frank woke up the next morning, feeling he wasn’t alone in his bed; someone’s arm was lying across his stomach and he could feel someone breathing into the crook of his neck. This someone was lying close. Too close. Then he remembered. He had dreamed so much shit that night that he at first thought he had dreamed that too. But this was real. Gerard was lying next to him, sleeping peacefully.
Oh shit. He had cried; he had made Gerard worry for him. Damn, Damn, Damn!! This was not supposed to happen. He felt panic rise inside him and quickly moved Gerard’s arm away from his body. When he tried to climb over his friend out of the bed, he knew he should have taken a bit more time to do so carefully for he woke Gerard when his face was over his. Suddenly he was staring into those beautiful eyes he loved so much.

“What…” but Gerard went no further.

“Eh… I’m…” Frank also went no further, as his foot got caught in those bloody sheets as he tried to flee through the curtains. This resulted in a tumble from the middle bunk, ending with a hard thud on the floor, the sheets all over him.

“Fuck, Frank!” he could hear Gerard jump down and closed his eyes. This was too much. Could it get any worse?

“Ouhhh…” he groaned and when he opened his eyes, he found three pairs of eyes looking down at him. Fortunately two of them looked sincerely worried; Ray immediately asked him if he had hurt himself. Bob only laughed.

“Fuck.” Frank pulled the sheets over his head. Then he heard the door to the bus open and Mikey’s voice:

“Whoa, what happened here?” Bob was still laughing, so Ray answered.

“Frank fell out of his bed.”

“Damn it, man, how did you do that?” Mikey asked.
Frank yanked the sheets off him and stood up, feeling a slight pain in his lower back.

“I just fell,” he said annoyed and flung the sheets back into his bed, avoiding eye contact with Gerard.

“Haha!” Thank you, Bob for your pity.

“Didn’t you hurt yourself?” Ray asked surprised, looking Frank over for any damage, trying to turn him around while searching.

“No, I’m… OUCH! DAMN IT, RAY!!” Frank shouted, when Ray smacked him gently on his butt.

“You ARE hurt!” Ray teased innocently, pointing his finger at Frank’s ass.
All this time Gerard hadn’t said a word and Frank wanted to look at him, to determine if he was upset, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. Just then Mikey spoke up, about making some coffee.

“Good idea.” Finally. Gerard was apparently still there. Well, of course, Frank had seen his shoes every time he wanted to look at him.
Fuck, this was so awkward, he had cried and the man, who he was madly in love with, but who he couldn’t tell, had been there for him, not forcing anything out of him. He knew he owed Gerard an explanation, but what the hell should he say??
Frank hadn’t noticed Ray, Bob and Mikey clamber into the back of the bus for coffee and breakfast, when Gerard opened his mouth again.

“You okay?” No, he was not-o-fu… yeah. Talk! He was waiting for an answer.

“Yeah.” Frank glanced briefly at Gerard, forcing a smile and turned around to leave for breakfast. He didn’t hear Gerard sigh.