Categories > Original > Humor > Loser
Loser
12 reviewsMatt is a loser. They know it. He knows it. What is he going to do about it? Rated PG for cynicism.
-1TrainWreck
This isn't my typical humor-style story, though it's certainly earned a dismayed chortle or two in its time. If ficwad gets a General category, I may consider moving this piece there. Send the blame to drf24@columbia.edu.
This story brought to you by Chaos Baked Goods. Try the muffins. Or else.
.
.
.
Meet Matt. Matt is a loser. This isn't because he plays computer games, or the way he dresses, or his limp-zucchini biceps, or his hygiene, which is actually quite good. Matt well-knows that he's a loser, but if we asked him what is so loserly about him, he would not be able to articulate his answer.
Matt is getting ready for the day. He does six whole pushups. He takes a shower. He brushes and flosses. He knows that his geekish smile needs all the help it can get, but in part because of the feeble lighting in his bathroom, and in part because he has a poor eye for such things, he does not know that his fluoride rinse makes his teeth look green until lunchtime, after which they look yellowish-white.
Yellowish-white is his teeth's natural color. It is most people's teeth's natural color, but most of the people at Matt's office are used to day-glo white teeth. They have day-glo white teeth. They use special toothpaste.
Welcome to Matt's office. Here comes Marcus.
Marcus and Matt are office buds. Matt, who has access to the supply room, gives Marcus free paper and staples, and Marcus gives Matt pity and compassion. They both find it convenient.
Marcus is a decent man grown out of a foul boy. If Matt had known Marcus in grade school, he would hate him to this day, because Marcus would have called him by evil epithets, and thrown bugs and snowballs at his head until he cried like a girl. Marcus called the geeky boys names when he was in grade school, and he went around asking girls why they didn't have any tits yet. He does not do that any more. Marcus spent many years in therapy, where he learned how to treat geeks like Matt with pity and compassion.
Matt tells Marcus that he has the new hole-puncher that Marcus asked for. Marcus tells Matt good-luck on the meeting today. Matt's neck muscles go stiff. He does not want to think about the meeting.
The meeting is not the kind with notebooks and doughnuts. The meeting is the kind with a podium and an overhead and an auditorium full of stockholders. Matt has to give a speech at the meeting. Matt is afraid to make speeches. This is because Matt is a
"Loser," says Marcus.
"What?" says Matt.
"Here comes Luanne. Let's see if we can lose her."
Marcus does not want to talk to Luanne because Luanne is Matt and Marcus' supervisor. She has already seen them. It is too late to lose her.
Luanne says good-morning to Matt and Marcus, and tells Matt good-luck at the meeting. Matt says thanks. Matt doesn't know it, but Luanne is the one who arranged for him to make the speech. She didn't tell anyone except her dog, her boyfriend, four members of her immediate family, and Amanda from the hair salon. She told them that it was time Matt got a Turn and a Chance to Prove Himself. Luanne thinks that if Matt can give a good speech, he will feel better about himself. She does not know it, but Matt also thinks this. He thinks that if he does a good job at the meeting, then in the eyes of the world and himself he will be less of a
"Loser," Luanne tells Matt.
"What?" he asks.
"You should try to stay looser," says Luanne. "You'll feel better about the speech if you relax a bit. Why don't you take a few minutes in the break room?"
"Oh," says Matt.
Luanne thinks that Matt will give a good speech. Luanne thinks that as soon as Matt is at the podium, he will forget all about being nervous. Luanne was nice to everyone in grade school. Luanne is not very smart.
Matt steps into the break room. There is a sink and a refrigerator. No one has ever cleaned them that Matt knows of. Matt takes out his notes and puts them on the counter next to the sink. He reads them for the fifth time in the last eighteen hours. Matt likes to be prepared.
Matt used to bring sodas to work and put them in the refrigerator to keep them cold, but he stopped because he never got to drink them. Someone else would take the sodas out of the refrigerator and remove them to parts unknown. Matt imagines that those are the parts that digest soda, but he isn't sure which ones they may be. Matt failed biology, among many other things. That is why he had to give up his dream of becoming an entomologist come work with Luanne and Marcus.
Matt is still mad at whoever stole his sodas, even though it was a long time ago. This is because Matt is a
"Loser," hears Matt.
Matt looks up. "What?"
Reuben and Emil are walking into the break room. "I said that Byron Dunsten is such a BLEEP!cking loser!" says Reuben, except for the BLEEP!cking part.
Byron Dunsten is the new shortstop for the Boston Red Sox. He is indeed a loser.
Reuben likes sports a lot. It does not occur to him that not everyone does. Matt, for example, only likes to watch hockey, because that is the only sport that he did not have to play in gym class. It is therefore the only sport that did not leave him either bleeding or crying like a girl.
Reuben and Emil see that Matt is working. Emil wonders why Matt came into the break room to work. Emil adjusts his toupee and takes the last cup of coffee from the coffeepot. Reuben looks into the fridge and wishes that whoever used to bring in the free sodas would start doing it again.
Matt often believes that people are calling him a loser while they're really saying something else. They are really thinking it, though, so it all balances out.
Matt thinks that Matt is a loser, but he doesn't know what to do about it except try to wow everyone with his speech, so he doesn't worry too much.
Marcus thinks that Matt is a loser because he's wimpy and easy to get office supplies off of.
Luanne thinks that Matt is a loser and needs her to de-lose him by making him give a speech.
Reuben thinks that Matt is a loser because he does not bother to remember which football team is which.
Karen thinks that Matt is a loser. We will get to Karen.
It is almost time for the meeting to start. Matt has to check in with Karen to renew the little laminated ID tag with his picture on it. He already has one, but this time he has brought a picture that doesn't make his teeth look bright yellow. Matt thinks that if he has a better ID card, he will feel better and give a better speech. Matt has been meaning to renew his ID tag for a long time, but he kept putting it off because he is a
"Loser!" says Karen.
"What?" says Matt.
"I said, 'Hey, Loser!'"
"Oh. Hi Karen."
Karen is smiling chipperly at Matt with her day-glo white teeth. Karen's special nickname for Matt is Loser. Karen's special nickname for Marcus is Lardball. Karen's special nickname for Emil is Moron. No one really gets Karen. No one seems to mind being called Loser or Lardball or Moron by Karen, because she smiles chipperly, and because she is in her late twenties and stacked. Matt has not had a date in many years.
Matt thinks that he is in love with Karen because Karen smiles chipperly at him with her day-glo white teeth when she calls him by his special nickname. Matt has not noticed that Karen smiles at everyone.
Karen thinks that Matt is a loser and deserves pity and compassion. She's better at it than Marcus is. She gives Matt pity and compassion and a new ID card that makes his teeth look green.
Matt is at the meeting. It is almost time for Matt to give his speech. Matt is afraid. Matt is afraid that he will sweat a lot or trip and fall or forget to say something important or drool or spit or wet himself like he did in second grade, when he took a soccer ball to the abdomen in gym class. Matt does not like to watch soccer on TV.
Matt is very lucky that he did not know Marcus in second grade.
Matt gets up and steps to the podium. Matt pulls his notes out of his briefcase and puts them underneath the microphone. They are stained with coffee and with grubbish nerdly fingerprints because he has read them five times. Matt opens his mouth and starts to give his speech. To Matt, parts of his speech sound strained and loserly, but other parts do not.
Matt does not realize that the fluorescent lighting is making his teeth look bright yellow. It is as if he has become his old ID card but much bigger and with feet.
The stockholders don't really care about Matt's teeth. They don't really care about his speech, either. This is by far less boring and less loserly than many they have heard. Matt tells them that they are making money. Matt is not lying. He isn't good at lying. The stockholders are glad that a yellow-toothed loser like Matt spends all his time taking care of their money. Matt doesn't spend all of his time taking care of their money. He also watches hockey and plays computer games like various incarnations of Doom and Baldur's Gate.
Matt finishes his speech and gives the podium to the next person. He did a good job. Yay Matt. He sits down and Luanne tells him that he nailed it. Matt isn't good with tools, so he figures that she is talking about the speech.
For the rest of the day, people stop Matt in the hall and tell him what a great speech he made. Reuben tells him that it was BLEEP!cking awesome, except for the BLEEP!cking part. Matt is concerned. He knows that his speech was not that bad, but neither was it BLEEP!cking awesome. He knows that he got mixed up in two places, and stammered a lot in the beginning. He wonders if everyone is lying to him to make him feel good. That is indeed what they are doing.
Matt knows that he made a good speech. Matt knows that he is still afraid to make speeches. Matt is surprised and disappointed. Matt knows that he is still a loser because people still call him one and pretend that they were saying something else. Of course, they really were saying the something else, but they were really thinking that Matt is a loser, so it all balances out.
Marcus is happy. He really likes his new hole-puncher that his office bud Matt helped him get.
Luanne is happy. Matt did a good job and it was all because of her, even if he'll never never know. Luanne can't wait to tell her dog.
Karen is happy. Loser made a good speech, and Moron has promised to stop wearing that silly toupee. No one really gets Karen, but what a rack.
Reuben is happy. He loves to hate those BLEEP!cking Red Sox, especially that BLEEP!cking loser Byron Dunstan.
Emil is happy because he did not have to make more coffee for the break room, because no one noticed him take the last cup. Ha ha ha.
Matt is not really happy. He wonders if he shouldn't change his life or habits, like sign up to take a class, or learn a new language or start using special toothpaste or something. He decides to just go home and watch hockey on TV, though. That is because Matt is a
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Please note: there are many non-losers who play games stemming from Doom and Baldur's Gate, but Matt is not one of them.
This story brought to you by Chaos Baked Goods. Try the muffins. Or else.
.
.
.
Meet Matt. Matt is a loser. This isn't because he plays computer games, or the way he dresses, or his limp-zucchini biceps, or his hygiene, which is actually quite good. Matt well-knows that he's a loser, but if we asked him what is so loserly about him, he would not be able to articulate his answer.
Matt is getting ready for the day. He does six whole pushups. He takes a shower. He brushes and flosses. He knows that his geekish smile needs all the help it can get, but in part because of the feeble lighting in his bathroom, and in part because he has a poor eye for such things, he does not know that his fluoride rinse makes his teeth look green until lunchtime, after which they look yellowish-white.
Yellowish-white is his teeth's natural color. It is most people's teeth's natural color, but most of the people at Matt's office are used to day-glo white teeth. They have day-glo white teeth. They use special toothpaste.
Welcome to Matt's office. Here comes Marcus.
Marcus and Matt are office buds. Matt, who has access to the supply room, gives Marcus free paper and staples, and Marcus gives Matt pity and compassion. They both find it convenient.
Marcus is a decent man grown out of a foul boy. If Matt had known Marcus in grade school, he would hate him to this day, because Marcus would have called him by evil epithets, and thrown bugs and snowballs at his head until he cried like a girl. Marcus called the geeky boys names when he was in grade school, and he went around asking girls why they didn't have any tits yet. He does not do that any more. Marcus spent many years in therapy, where he learned how to treat geeks like Matt with pity and compassion.
Matt tells Marcus that he has the new hole-puncher that Marcus asked for. Marcus tells Matt good-luck on the meeting today. Matt's neck muscles go stiff. He does not want to think about the meeting.
The meeting is not the kind with notebooks and doughnuts. The meeting is the kind with a podium and an overhead and an auditorium full of stockholders. Matt has to give a speech at the meeting. Matt is afraid to make speeches. This is because Matt is a
"Loser," says Marcus.
"What?" says Matt.
"Here comes Luanne. Let's see if we can lose her."
Marcus does not want to talk to Luanne because Luanne is Matt and Marcus' supervisor. She has already seen them. It is too late to lose her.
Luanne says good-morning to Matt and Marcus, and tells Matt good-luck at the meeting. Matt says thanks. Matt doesn't know it, but Luanne is the one who arranged for him to make the speech. She didn't tell anyone except her dog, her boyfriend, four members of her immediate family, and Amanda from the hair salon. She told them that it was time Matt got a Turn and a Chance to Prove Himself. Luanne thinks that if Matt can give a good speech, he will feel better about himself. She does not know it, but Matt also thinks this. He thinks that if he does a good job at the meeting, then in the eyes of the world and himself he will be less of a
"Loser," Luanne tells Matt.
"What?" he asks.
"You should try to stay looser," says Luanne. "You'll feel better about the speech if you relax a bit. Why don't you take a few minutes in the break room?"
"Oh," says Matt.
Luanne thinks that Matt will give a good speech. Luanne thinks that as soon as Matt is at the podium, he will forget all about being nervous. Luanne was nice to everyone in grade school. Luanne is not very smart.
Matt steps into the break room. There is a sink and a refrigerator. No one has ever cleaned them that Matt knows of. Matt takes out his notes and puts them on the counter next to the sink. He reads them for the fifth time in the last eighteen hours. Matt likes to be prepared.
Matt used to bring sodas to work and put them in the refrigerator to keep them cold, but he stopped because he never got to drink them. Someone else would take the sodas out of the refrigerator and remove them to parts unknown. Matt imagines that those are the parts that digest soda, but he isn't sure which ones they may be. Matt failed biology, among many other things. That is why he had to give up his dream of becoming an entomologist come work with Luanne and Marcus.
Matt is still mad at whoever stole his sodas, even though it was a long time ago. This is because Matt is a
"Loser," hears Matt.
Matt looks up. "What?"
Reuben and Emil are walking into the break room. "I said that Byron Dunsten is such a BLEEP!cking loser!" says Reuben, except for the BLEEP!cking part.
Byron Dunsten is the new shortstop for the Boston Red Sox. He is indeed a loser.
Reuben likes sports a lot. It does not occur to him that not everyone does. Matt, for example, only likes to watch hockey, because that is the only sport that he did not have to play in gym class. It is therefore the only sport that did not leave him either bleeding or crying like a girl.
Reuben and Emil see that Matt is working. Emil wonders why Matt came into the break room to work. Emil adjusts his toupee and takes the last cup of coffee from the coffeepot. Reuben looks into the fridge and wishes that whoever used to bring in the free sodas would start doing it again.
Matt often believes that people are calling him a loser while they're really saying something else. They are really thinking it, though, so it all balances out.
Matt thinks that Matt is a loser, but he doesn't know what to do about it except try to wow everyone with his speech, so he doesn't worry too much.
Marcus thinks that Matt is a loser because he's wimpy and easy to get office supplies off of.
Luanne thinks that Matt is a loser and needs her to de-lose him by making him give a speech.
Reuben thinks that Matt is a loser because he does not bother to remember which football team is which.
Karen thinks that Matt is a loser. We will get to Karen.
It is almost time for the meeting to start. Matt has to check in with Karen to renew the little laminated ID tag with his picture on it. He already has one, but this time he has brought a picture that doesn't make his teeth look bright yellow. Matt thinks that if he has a better ID card, he will feel better and give a better speech. Matt has been meaning to renew his ID tag for a long time, but he kept putting it off because he is a
"Loser!" says Karen.
"What?" says Matt.
"I said, 'Hey, Loser!'"
"Oh. Hi Karen."
Karen is smiling chipperly at Matt with her day-glo white teeth. Karen's special nickname for Matt is Loser. Karen's special nickname for Marcus is Lardball. Karen's special nickname for Emil is Moron. No one really gets Karen. No one seems to mind being called Loser or Lardball or Moron by Karen, because she smiles chipperly, and because she is in her late twenties and stacked. Matt has not had a date in many years.
Matt thinks that he is in love with Karen because Karen smiles chipperly at him with her day-glo white teeth when she calls him by his special nickname. Matt has not noticed that Karen smiles at everyone.
Karen thinks that Matt is a loser and deserves pity and compassion. She's better at it than Marcus is. She gives Matt pity and compassion and a new ID card that makes his teeth look green.
Matt is at the meeting. It is almost time for Matt to give his speech. Matt is afraid. Matt is afraid that he will sweat a lot or trip and fall or forget to say something important or drool or spit or wet himself like he did in second grade, when he took a soccer ball to the abdomen in gym class. Matt does not like to watch soccer on TV.
Matt is very lucky that he did not know Marcus in second grade.
Matt gets up and steps to the podium. Matt pulls his notes out of his briefcase and puts them underneath the microphone. They are stained with coffee and with grubbish nerdly fingerprints because he has read them five times. Matt opens his mouth and starts to give his speech. To Matt, parts of his speech sound strained and loserly, but other parts do not.
Matt does not realize that the fluorescent lighting is making his teeth look bright yellow. It is as if he has become his old ID card but much bigger and with feet.
The stockholders don't really care about Matt's teeth. They don't really care about his speech, either. This is by far less boring and less loserly than many they have heard. Matt tells them that they are making money. Matt is not lying. He isn't good at lying. The stockholders are glad that a yellow-toothed loser like Matt spends all his time taking care of their money. Matt doesn't spend all of his time taking care of their money. He also watches hockey and plays computer games like various incarnations of Doom and Baldur's Gate.
Matt finishes his speech and gives the podium to the next person. He did a good job. Yay Matt. He sits down and Luanne tells him that he nailed it. Matt isn't good with tools, so he figures that she is talking about the speech.
For the rest of the day, people stop Matt in the hall and tell him what a great speech he made. Reuben tells him that it was BLEEP!cking awesome, except for the BLEEP!cking part. Matt is concerned. He knows that his speech was not that bad, but neither was it BLEEP!cking awesome. He knows that he got mixed up in two places, and stammered a lot in the beginning. He wonders if everyone is lying to him to make him feel good. That is indeed what they are doing.
Matt knows that he made a good speech. Matt knows that he is still afraid to make speeches. Matt is surprised and disappointed. Matt knows that he is still a loser because people still call him one and pretend that they were saying something else. Of course, they really were saying the something else, but they were really thinking that Matt is a loser, so it all balances out.
Marcus is happy. He really likes his new hole-puncher that his office bud Matt helped him get.
Luanne is happy. Matt did a good job and it was all because of her, even if he'll never never know. Luanne can't wait to tell her dog.
Karen is happy. Loser made a good speech, and Moron has promised to stop wearing that silly toupee. No one really gets Karen, but what a rack.
Reuben is happy. He loves to hate those BLEEP!cking Red Sox, especially that BLEEP!cking loser Byron Dunstan.
Emil is happy because he did not have to make more coffee for the break room, because no one noticed him take the last cup. Ha ha ha.
Matt is not really happy. He wonders if he shouldn't change his life or habits, like sign up to take a class, or learn a new language or start using special toothpaste or something. He decides to just go home and watch hockey on TV, though. That is because Matt is a
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Please note: there are many non-losers who play games stemming from Doom and Baldur's Gate, but Matt is not one of them.
Sign up to rate and review this story