FicWad

I've always had a hard time understanding most human emotions. I could understand happiness and anger. I could also understand some forms of sadness upon occasion. But all of my emotions were centered around me. I never really knew how to feel anything toward others except for contempt.

Correction, I knew mentally what were the proper feelings and reactions to other people, but I could not properly feel what I was supposed to feel. I never cried real tears for anyone. If I ever cried, the tears were for me and me only. Sometimes I wonder if it was even possible for anyone to honestly care for someone other than themselves. Perhaps everyone was playacting just like I did and nothing I experienced yet convinced me that someone would ever be nice just for the sake of being nice. To me it seemed that when someone was nice, they just wanted something from you. If this was the truth, then love did not exist. Nor did compassion exist. Or anything that was considered "human". Then again, perhaps everyone else could feel these emotions and I was just un-human.

And perhaps I was not just un-human, but more than human. After all, human emotions hampered people in their ability to succeed things and since I did not have these emotions, I was above them. This enabled me to see emotions for what they are. They are just mere social constructs. Guilt especially is a social construct only brought on by the threat of punishment. If there was no fear of punishment, then there would be no such thing as guilt. To free oneself from guilt is merely a matter of putting oneself above the rules.

Once you are free of the rules of society and of guilt, then nothing can affect you, even when they are a complete surprise.

-----

When I saw the girl's body fall out of the toilet stall, I didn't know what to feel. I was shocked and startled, but it wasn't shock from the fact that I killed. What shocked me was that I didn't even notice that the girl was there. This girl was known to me. Or more correctly, she was the most plain and invisible girl in the entire school. She was often not noticed unless she did something spectacularly stupid or someone just wanted an easy target. She was so insignificant that her death meant nothing to me.

I didn't mean to kill anyone with the basilisk. It simply was not part of my plan. I knew a death at Hogwarts would cause the Ministry to seriously consider shutting Hogwarts down and I simply could not have that happen. All that I wanted for now was to scare the mudbloods away. A death simply wouldn't just scare just the mudbloods away, it would scare everyone away. And once everyone is scared away from Hogwarts, there would be no reason to keep it open.

Then I would have to go back to the orphanage.

I don't want to go back to the orphanage.

Instead here I am, very possibly the cause of my own possible exile to the orphanage by not checking the stalls. I was still in shock, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized that this was not a good place to be, especially if I wanted to keep myself out of Azkaban. Quickly dismissing the basilisk, I calmly left the room, making sure that I would not appear anything but normal to any passersby's. Not that there would be any at this time of the day, especially with the fear currently running through the school. Still one could not take too many precautions as I just learned.

As fast as I could without seeming rushed, I headed toward the common room to gather my thoughts before the death was discovered. I needed a plan. I needed to react appropriately to her death or people might get suspicious. Normally this would not be a problem, but I kept having the feeling that Dumbledore may have been keeping a closer eye than usual on me.

I hate having to pretend that I care about others though. Someday I won't have to constantly make sure that my mask of appropriate emotions is kept on tight, but until that day, I will have to reinforce it everyday.

When I arrived at the common room, my mask of calmness and indifference was in place and no one knew what I had just done.

-----

An hour later, the footsteps of someone running was heard coming up the stairs to the boy's dorms.

"A girl was killed in one of the bathrooms!"

I just merely smirked to myself and started to prepare my next act.

After all, the world is merely a game of pretend to me.

At least I think it is.

And there is no going back.