Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > My Only Sunshine

Our Memories Defeat Us

by ipanicdaily 4 reviews

"You're not avoiding him." Ray said sternly to Gerard as though he knew exactly what Gerard was planning. "You two need to work things out."

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama - Characters: Bob Bryar,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2008-11-23 - Updated: 2008-11-23 - 2787 words - Complete

A/N----sorry guys, this chapter is half-assed. I am really frustrated right now and I kinda started writing it and my thoughts got all jumbled and its quick, boring, and really a filler. Next chapter though is gonna be drama to the extreme and you might wanna grab a box of tissues when I put it up.

xoxo Tabi


"I can walk this place blindfolded." Gerard said, forcing a small laugh as he sat next to Ray. He was desperate to break the awkward silence lingering in the still air. Ray smiled slightly, looking blankly at the wall across from him as though he was either lost in his thoughts, or lost in his memories. Gerard knew Ray was having a hard time dealing with everything . He was already lost and confused about his feelings; now he has stress, fear, concern, and a little hysteria to deal with as well. For once, Gerard was the 'Ray' of the situation. His fiancé, or whatever Frank was now, lay half dead in the ICU, again, yet Gerard remained calm and somewhat upbeat. Mikey said it was Gerard's way of dealing with the situation; like he was in denial of what happened.

"You would end up in a bucket of needles." Ray said, trying to allow his mood to brighten as he attempted to focus on reality; struggling to block out thoughts of Frank. Gerard winced then smack Ray gently.

"I have like 'spidey-sense' for needles. I know where they are and I avoid them." Gerard said, relating it to comic books, a favorite subject of his. Gerard knew he was avoiding talking about what happened. He couldn't deal with that at the moment. He was already walking a ledge and talking about what happened with Frank would cause all his bundled emotions to erupt; shoving him off the ledge. Gerard felt an estimate of seven different things at the moment; everything fighting to get into the open rather than be locked away inside Gerard. "What cha thinking about?"

"Stuff." Rays told him eyes fixed firmly on the egg-shell colored wall.

"Like what?"

"Like why the fuck are we here?" Ray was having a harder time than Gerard with keeping his emotions down. "All we're doing is sitting here, wasting our lives away! Frank's not going to way up any time soon! We should be out there living our lives to the fullest!"

"Ray, deep breaths." Gerard said calmly but with concern. "You're way to fucking young to be having a mid life crisis."

"Am I?" Ray took his eyes off the wall and looked at Gerard. His eyes were full of confusion and Gerard could tell that Ray was searching him for answers; for understanding. "For all I know I could die tomorrow! Today even! Am I still alive?" He was kind of having a panic attack and Gerard really didn't know what to do. Ray was usually the stable one (beside Bob but Gerard knew Ray a lot better). If Ray lost it, hope for the rest of them was lost too.

"Ray, you need to calm down." Gerard said, extremely worried. "Take deep breaths, shut your eyes, and focus on something peaceful. Think about being in our area. Try to hear the gently flow of the stream or the sweet call of birds." Ray obeyed, shutting his eyes as Gerard recalled everything he was told in therapy; when he actually went. "Yes, you're still alive. No, you're not going to die today or tomorrow or the next day. You're going to outlive me and I at least plan on making it to thirty." Gerard tried to joke but kept it very mild so he wouldn't cause Ray to freak out again. "Frank's going to wake up and start seeing a therapist so this doesn't happen again."

"What if he doesn't want to?" Ray's eyes remained shut but he was still freaking out a bit.

"Right now I don't give a fuck what he wants. I'm tired of him hurting himself and I'm tired of this fucking hospital. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make him realize that when he does stupid shit like this, he's hurting everyone that loves him as well as himself." Gerard's voice was firm. It was true though; he had about had it with Frank putting himself in life threatening situations. He knew, that like the rest of them, Frank had depression problems and demons to deal with; but until he saw Frank's motionless body in the ICU room for the fourth time now, that it was so bad. Gerard was going to make sure Frank talked to someone; even if he had to drag him there forcibly.

"What if he doesn't want to see or talk to you?" Ray was starting to piss Gerard off.

"Well he'll have to deal because him and I have a lot we need to fucking talk about." The strongest of Gerard's jumbled emotions, anger, was breaking free. He was mad at Frank for running away; for hurting himself every time something went wrong; for giving Gerard immense joy then ripping it all away from him. "If he won't talk, he'll sure as hell listen because I'm not letting him off easy this time. He's gone too far and I'm finished with letting him destroy himself."

"I think I should go home and lay down for a bit." Ray said quietly, opening his eyes and standing up. "Call me if anything happens; good or bad."

"You'll be home this time?" Gerard gave Ray a suspicious look and Ray nodded, leaving the room with his head hung low. Gerard was enjoying ranting to Ray but he understood that Ray really just needed to be alone to think and sort out his thoughts.

Not too long after Ray left, Mikey came in and took Ray's seat. "Where's your other half?" Gerard teased his brother; again, trying to lighten the ominous feeling.

"He went home." Mikey said, sliding down in the chair a bit. "I've kept him up the past few nights with my problems. He's over exhausted so I told him to go home and lay down where it will be quiet for him to sleep." There was a little disappointment in Mikey's voice.

"Wanna stay with me tonight then?" Gerard asked and Mikey looked at him curiously. "It's been awhile since it's been just you and me."

"What about Frank?" Mikey was trying not to be harsh or rude about it.

"What about him?" Somehow Gerard remained calm. "All I've done since we got here was sit on my ass, staring at the wall, trying not to lose my mind from the silence." Anger was trying to get loose again and Gerard fought to suppress it. "He's in a coma again. Not much I can do about that." Gerard lowered his voice. "And I can't go back there, seeing him like that. I barely survived the five minutes I was in there earlier."

"Sure." Mikey tried to take his brothers mind off the images of Frank. It was probably the worst they had ever seen him. "I have to let Bob know."

"I figured." Gerard's voice regulated again. "We've had enough drama with missing persons." He smiled and Mikey nodded, pulling out his cellphone and calling Bob. Taking a deep breath, Gerard decided to leave Mikey alone to talk on the phone and go say good-bye to Frank. "I'll be right back." He told Mikey who nodded and continued to talk on the phone.

His footsteps seemed weighted as Gerard walked the familiar path to the room. He smiled at nurses, all of which Gerard knew the hours off, break times, what they liked to eat and drink, almost everything there was to know about them. Taking another deep breath, Gerard opened the door to Frank's room then shut it behind him, keeping his eyes shut and telling himself to just make it quick.

Opening his eyes, tears exploded yet again as he looked to Frank. "Deep breaths Gerard, deep breaths." Gerard told himself, walking towards Frank and sitting next to him, taking his hand like he did so many times before. His skin was cold and his body seemed lifeless though the machines around begged to differ.

Gerard and Ray met Mikey and Bob at the hospital, where they relayed the story to them. They found Frank passed out in a park, covered in blood. He had pulled the stitches from his arms, opening the wounds and causing himself to bleed. His body was covered in small scratches which brought more blood and his clothes were soaking wet for some reason (with water). Gerard figured it was another suicide attempt of his and it was really starting to push Gerard away from him, no matter how much he loved Frank. Remembering Frank had heard him before when he was in a coma, Gerard figured he would give Frank a quick speech to prepare him for what he was going to deal with.

"Look you selfish son of a bitch, I don't know what the fuck you were thinking when you left. I don't know what you dreamt about that night and I don't know why the fuck you think you're ruining my life. You are my life. Somehow we're going to figure this all out and you're going to get help, even if you don't like it. You're going to stop hurting yourself and you're going to stop blaming yourself. As far as us getting married, well we'll have to see where things end up. I love you, I'll always love you, but I'm tired of watching you destroy yourself. Now, I'm not going to stay here with you this time either. I'm going home. Whenever you decide to wake the fuck up, I'll come back and we can talk." Gerard kissed Frank's head then let go of his hand to go back to Mikey who was off the phone now.

"You all set?" Mikey asked, standing up and stretching.

"Yep. Your boyfriend ok with it?" Gerard asked with a smile.

"He was actually glad to have me go away." Mikey said with amusement but pretended to be upset. "Nice to be loved." Gerard laughed then stuck his arm over Mikey's shoulder as they walked out of the hospital and to his car.


Gerard loved having just Mikey to hang out with for the night. It reminded him of when the two were little and how they used to do everything together. They played video games (Mikey kicked Gerard's ass but Gerard said he was letting him win) then had some pizza and watched horror movies. It was a like a sleep over with your best friend; and it made Gerard feel a lot better about everything.

Of course Mikey called Bob about every two or so hours and Gerard would just roll his eyes then find something to do until Mikey finished. Gerard at one point called Ray to talk to him for a bit. He still sounded like he was kind of freaking out about everything but nowhere near as bad as he was at the hospital which made Gerard feel better. They planned on meeting at the hospital the following day.

Mikey and Gerard fell asleep on the couch, half over each other, as some old horror movie flashed on the television. About half way through the night Gerard's cellphone started ringing so after some complaining and searching for it, he finally found the thing and answered it. "Hello Mr. Way, this is Kathy, one of the nurses here at the ICU. I thought I would let you know that Mr. Iero just woke up and is asking for you."

"I'll be there in the morning." Gerard told her sleepily, hanging up the phone and going to his bed rather than back to the uncomfortable couch. He fully understood what he was told, but he wasn't going to go rushing to Frank because he was still upset with him, plus the two needed to have a serious talk and Gerard was tired so he knew he would only give to Frank if he went there in the middle of the night.

"Mikey; Mikey go lay on a bed." Gerard mumbled, shaking his brother. Mikey got up, barely awake at all, and went upstairs while Gerard went to his bed. He was familiar with the emptiness it held now where Frank used to lay. It was that way for the past week or so and after the first few nights it became normal to Gerard, no matter how much he wished Frank was there with him.

He fell onto his bed and grabbed a pillow, crying into it. Sure he wanted to go rush to Frank, but he knew he had to hold back. Frank really hurt him this time and if Gerard just went running back to forgive everything, it would only happen again. He heard his phone go off again but he didn't answer it this time; he couldn't. The only way he would remain strong was to just force himself to sleep again then in the morning he would go back to the hospital and sort everything out with Frank, one way or another.

It took Gerard some time to fall asleep again but eventually he wore himself out with crying and just passed out. He didn't wake up until Mikey started beating the shit out of him to get up; it was already noon. Taking deep breaths again, Gerard got dressed then him and Mikey headed back to the hospital to meet Ray and Bob who didn't know yet that Frank was awake. Gerard was the only one who knew, and he knew they would be upset at him for not telling them.


"Gerard!" Ray said excitingly as they went into the waiting room. "Frank woke up man!" He half attacked Gerard who was glad to see Ray got over his panic attack.

"Yeah; I know." Gerard choked out. Ray let go of him then looked at Gerard with confusion. "They called me in the middle of the fucking night."

"And you didn't tell me?" Mikey asked, slightly upset which Gerard figured would happen. "You told me to go upstairs. You couldn't mention that he woke up?"

"I was half asleep." Gerard said with a shrug, everyone glaring at him. "I was tired."

"So you just decided to go back to sleep?" Ray asked, trying to remain calm. Gerard had no idea why they were freaking out because it was only like twelve hours ago and they were all at the hospital now.

"I don't see what the big deal is." Gerard said, sitting down while the rest of them stood. "We're here; go see him." He said a little harshly.

"What about you?" Bob asked, Gerard forgetting he was even there. He could be so quiet sometimes.

"What about me?"

"Are you going?" Mikey asked a little apprehensively.

"No, I'm sitting." Gerard told him sarcastically.

"You're not avoiding him." Ray said sternly to Gerard as though he knew exactly what Gerard was planning. "You two need to work things out."

"We will." Gerard told him, sliding down in the chair a bit. "Eventually."

"When we get back here you're going to go talk to him." Mikey said in a threatening tone. "We'll see how's he doing then your ass is going in there, even if I have to drag it there and lock you in." He told Gerard as he turned to leave the small waiting room. Ray lingered for a moment after Bob and Mikey left.

"Look, I know you don't really want to. I don't really want to go in there and face him either." Ray said calmly, sitting down by Gerard. "But I really don't want to end up in the situation where you two don't associate with each other for who knows how long again."

"I plan on talking to him. I just need some time to find the right words."

"There are never right words." Ray said quietly before hugging Gerard and leaving. Gerard sighed heavily as he remained, knowing that Ray was right. There never are right words when you have to talk to someone about your relationship; when you consider the possibility of breaking up.

When they all return, Gerard stood up and was told he was fine, asking for Gerard. Nodding very slightly, Gerard made his way to Frank's room, taking deep breaths and going slowly as he thought about what he was going to say. His mind lingered on one question; 'should we stay together, putting each other through pain; or should we just say good-bye?'
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