FicWad

A/N--- Look, this chapter is a bit harsh; but please understand where it's all coming from. I mean if someone you loved continuously hurt themselves, wouldn't you snap eventually? It's short...sorry....

Don't hate me

xoxo Tabi

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Gerard had never felt as much pressure as he did on the way to Frank's room. He was furious with Frank yet at the same time he just wanted to hold Frank close and tell him everything would be alright. Gerard's head was clouded with every human emotion known, all of which were still battling to get out into the open. It was driving him insane because he couldn't think straight at all. He quietly opened the door to Frank's room, shutting it tightly behind him, and walked to the chair next to Frank's bed. "Gee..." Frank said quietly, pain filling his voice. "I'm so s-"

"Why?" Gerard asked, sitting down but keeping a good distance from Frank.

"W-what?"

"Why are you sorry?" Gerard was trying to remain calm. "You keep doing it so why the fuck are you sorry?" He was having problems.

"I-I don't know." Frank was close to crying. "I have problems."

"No shit." Gerard was becoming angered. He couldn't help it; it all just kind of flowed out. "I've tried and tried Frankie! I've tried to give you everything you need and deserve! I've tried over and over to show you that you don't need to hurt yourself! But you continue to do it anyway! So don't tell me you're sorry!" His voice was full of anger and pain but the volume remained normal.

"What do you want me to say then if not 'sorry'?" No tears came to Frank's eyes, but a lot of pain did. He knew he fucked up big time and that he deserved to be lectured, but it still hurt.

"I want to know why you don't love me."

"But I do..." Frank said with desperation. "I do love you!"

"Apparently not because you continue to do stupid shit! You won't let me help you but rather you try and runaway!" Gerard continued to go off, but Frank still didn't cry; he was pushed beyond that point. It was like when it's so cold out that it won't snow; Frank just couldn't cry. "When you hurt yourself, you hurt me, Ray, Bob, Mikey," Gerard became sharp, "and any chance of us having a life outside this fucking hospital."

"I-I don't k-know why I do it." He told Gerard, avoiding eye contact. "I don't mean to hurt you, any of you, but these thoughts come into my head and take over my mind."

"Save it Iero. I don't want to hear your excuses."

"It's the truth!" Frank was somewhat pleading with him. "It's like a few weeks ago! I kind of black out and then wake up in these shit situations!"

"Maybe if you'd fucking talk to me about what's on your mind sometimes we could avoid this!" Gerard was becoming hostile to Frank. He was just so confused at the moment that he didn't even realize half of what he was saying. "But instead I get quaint little notes to tell me you fucking booked it; running away from your problems rather than dealing with them! And slicing yourself open isn't dealing with them, it's only making more."

"It's not like you don't run from your problems!" Frank was starting to get angered himself.

"I'm not running from this." He shot back. "I'm here dealing with it. So let's deal with it and let ourselves move on."

"You want to break up?" Now the tears came. A few ran down Frank's face as he stared at Gerard's emotionless face. Gerard's eyes however burned Frank; burned him down to his soul.

"Well you don't want to be with me. Why should I waste my time chasing after you?"

"I never said I didn't want to be with you!" Frank was pleading again.

"I beg to differ." Gerard pulled out the note and threw it at Frank, smacking him in the chest and rolling to his hands. Frank lifted his bandaged arms and read the note, crumpling it back up and holding it. "I'm pretty sure that whole note is you not wanting to be with me."

"No, it's me telling you that I'm ruining your life." Frank replied quietly, looking at the paper rather than Gerard.

"Didn't I tell you to stop with the self pity shit?" Gerard sat himself up. "Did you ever ask me if how I felt about everything? Because last I checked, it's my life and I should be the one who decides if you're ruining it or not."

"It's not hard to see." Frank gestured to the machines next to him. "I can't stay out of a fucking hospital."

"You could if you let someone help you!" Gerard's anger went to rage. "Why didn't you talk to me about anything that was bothering you? Did you fucking think I didn't want to know what was going on with you so I could help?!" His voice grew louder. "Or am I just your boyfriend because I fuck you and buy you stuff?" That pierced Frank and he became angered again.

"You're my boyfriend because we love each other." He threw the note back at Gerard. "Or at least we used to."

"I've always loved you Frank!" Gerard moved to the edge of the chair. "Since the day I met you! But I have a hard time believing you love me!"

"Why don't you think I love you?!" Frank was practically yelling.

"Have you given me reason to?" Gerard felt like crying himself. "You won't tell me anything! You won't let me help you! You won't listen to me when I tell you to fucking stop hurting yourself because it's killing me to watch not to mention actually killing you!"

"You won't listen to me when I try to tell you things!" Frank snapped. "Did you listen to me when I told you not to go outside on your birthday? No! You did and got yourself shot anyway!"

"Well all you would tell me was that I couldn't go outside! You didn't give me a fucking reason!" They were now arguing; loudly. Gerard's anger was pulsing out of him and right to Frank. "How can I trust you if you won't trust me?!" There was a brief moment of silence while both calmed down; somewhat.

"Do you still want to be with me?" Frank asked quietly.

"At the moment, no, not really." Gerard told him honestly. "I don't see why I should constantly worry about you hurting yourself when you want to make no effort to stop or get yourself help. I'm wasting my time."

"So you admit it; I am ruining your life."

"You are my life; at least you used to be. You've changed Frankie. You're not the person I fell in love with all those years ago. That Frank valued his life." Gerard's words stung Frank but they were true. Frank knew he had changed, but he didn't think it was that much.

"Have you just been pretending to love me the past few years then?"

"I've never pretended to love you. I never could. I have, I do, and I always will love you. I'm just not sure if I'm still in love with you." Gerard's face was emotionless again.

"Why'd you ask me to marry you?" Frank asked, pain drowning his voice which was quiet and heavy.

"Honestly," Gerard's voice quieted too, "I don't know."

"Then why are we still together?"

"Beats me."

"So why don't we just stop fucking doing this to each other?" Frank said, still pained.

"Exactly what have I done to you?" Gerard challenged.

"How about not telling me you killed that asshole on the beach then receded into yourself, not telling me a goddamn thing and trying to kill yourself by chain smoking! I was forced to go stay at Ray's because I couldn't put up with watching you do that! That killed me! Especially when you didn't stop by one fucking time to check on me!" Frank said, narrowing his eyes a bit.

"That all?"

"That all?!" Frank's voice grew again. "Is that not enough for you to count? It fucking destroyed me!"

"How about all the times you destroyed me?" Gerard's voice rose as well. "This past fucking week for instance! One minute your crying, I'm freaking out because you won't tell me what's wrong while I try to calm you down; next minute I wake up to a fucking note and rejected engagement ring!" He stared at Frank as though he was trying to rip him open. "Or when you cut the fuck out of your arms? Or how about not taking your medicine with you on your little adventure?"

"You're not the only one that matters Gerard!"

"Oh? You don't seem to think you matter since you keep trying to kill yourself!" Gerard grabbed Frank's arm and shoved it in Frank's face. "Tell me, how much do you matter? Please, humor me!" His voice was sharp and full of pure rage; nothing else.

"Fuck you Gerard!" Frank tried to pull out of Gerard's grip, but Gerard wouldn't give in. "Let me go!"

"Why? So you can cut yourself some more?" Gerard dropped Frank's arm then pulled his pocket knife out, putting it in Frank's hand and wrapping Frank's fingers around it. "Go on! Do it! Show yourself how much you matter!"

"No!" Frank told him so Gerard grabbed the knife back and pressed it towards his skin.

"Wanna see what it looks like?" Gerard had a somewhat hiss in his voice. "Want to feel the pain of watching someone you love hurt themselves?" Frank shook his head and tried to take the knife from Gerard who pulled away. "Well I'm going to show you. I hope it hurts. I hope it hurts really fucking bad." Gerard pulled the blade along his wrist, red blood trailing after it and dripping to the cold tile. Gerard had a somewhat psychotic smile on his face because he couldn't feel any pain in his wrist as he did it. His heart was too heavy with pain to allow any pain to go elsewhere on his body. "Tell me, how's it feel Frank?"

"Stop..." Frank mumbled, shutting his eyes. "Please Gee...stop..."

"Come on now Frankie, no whining." Gerard had really gone off the deep end now as he continued with the blade. "Let's see what the inside of my arm looks like." He pressed the blade to his elbow, imitating what Frank had done to his arms, only Gerard wasn't pressing hard enough to actually cut himself. He just wanted to freak Frank out. The only spot he was bleeding from was a very small slice on his wrist. Frank was crying as Gerard continued to play with the knife. "Does it hurt Frankie?" He nodded and Gerard pressed the blade into his other wrist, creating another very small cut. "Good!"

"Stop it!" Frank yelled at him, tears rolling down his face now. "Stop it Gerard!"

"No, you stop it!" Gerard yelled right back at Frank, throwing the knife at the floor. "Stop doing stupid shit and go get yourself some fucking help!" He walked towards the door, throwing his ring as well as Frank's to the floor, listening to them dance on the tile a bit before finally resting. "Get help from someone who cares because honestly," Gerard opened the door, " I don't anymore." he shut it harshly behind him, crying as he passed the waiting room and headed straight for his car. He drove to the nameless clearance and sat under the oak tree to cry in the pouring rain; the angels crying with him.