Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Attack of the Fanfic Punch Lines!
A/N: This takes place during the same potions class as chapter 1, just later in the class. So, all disclaimers still apply. (I.E. I own... a pencil... that's about it...)
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"While you are working," Snape called to his students, "I would like you all, to take out your homework, and place it on your tables. While I check on your potions, I will collect the homework."
There was a mass movement around the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he even saw Harry Potter grab his bag, reach in, and draw out parchment and place it on the table for Snape to collect. Snape couldn't help but feel a bit smug, he felt as though he had won the battle between Potter and himself when it came to the boy doing his homework. What Snape didn't see, however, was the evil Slytherin smirk on the young Gryffindors face.
Snape patrolled the tables, checking on the students potions, making little comments here and there, or little insults to little Gryffindors... whether their potion was good or not, like that mattered.
Many of the Slytherins had also seen Harry place parchment on his table to be collected therefore, they weren't expecting anything to happen, so it was a few moments longer than usual for them to notice something a miss with their professor. For he had collected all but the golden trio's homework, saving them for last. He had taken Ron's first, followed by Hermione's, and then he had grabbed the parchment that from the other side of the room he had mistaken for homework, which was in reality:
"Potter, this is not art class." Snape said through gritted teeth. Praying to whatever deity there was that he could check his temper and NOT kill the savior of their world. So far, his control was losing quite rapidly.
"I know, Sir." Harry replied. "But, I was thinking..."
At the thought of Potter thinking, Snape groaned. This could not end with the class intact.
"What do you think, sir?"
"Of what?"
"Of the drawing, sir."
Snape looked down, and took a good look at the drawing for the first time. On the piece of paper was a drawing of a smiley face, with dozens and dozens of flowers exploding from its mouth.
"What...wh- what is this supposed to be, Potter?" Snape was so revolted by the drawing, he could barely speak.
"Well, Sir, after the war, I kept asking myself: 'Self, why doesn't the Light have a mark, too?'(2) So I made one for the next evil wizard!"
"So, your idea of an anti-dark mark is a smiley face that looks as though it is being choked to death by flowers? Oh yes. That will send evil doers everywhere running for the hills." Was Snape's retort. The class roared with laughter. They laughed even harder as Snape held up the picture that Harry had drawn. It indeed resembled a smiley face that was being murdered by being smothered with flowers. "How about a nice slogan to match, then? 'If you have evil powers, Harry will choke you with flowers!' How was that?" Once more the entire class collapsed into a fit of laughter.
Harry placed a frown on his face, and went into a pout, he had planned on Hermione asking what was wrong, but she didn't have to. Snape did it for her.
"Oh, what's wrong, Potter?" Snape asked, mock concern in every syllable.
"CLOAKS!" Harry yelled. "That's what's wrong!"(2)
Snape was a bit taken a back by his reply. He was expecting his to be angry, but at Snape for mocking him.
"And why, all of a sudden," Snape was curious enough to ask. "do you have an aversion to cloaks?"
"Well," Harry replied, "We're supposed to be a group of superheroes, why don't we wear capes?"(2)
"Who in their right mind ever said we were supposed to be superheroes?" Snape asked Harry, sincerely puzzled.
"Dumbledore." Was Harry's only reply.
Snape let out a snort.
"I said someone in their 'right-mind'."
Harry rolled his eyes and said, "You're one to talk. The Whomping Willow's just about as sane as you are."(3)
"Watch it, Potter." Snape growled. "Or you'll be sent to see the Headmaster."
Behind his back, Harry made a hand movement, Ron and Hermione looked at each other in confusion, it wasn't to either of them. What was Harry doing?
Harry leaned back in his seat, so he could have a clear view of the person he was about to speak with, and it wasn't Ron and Hermione.
"Do you know why Professor Snape is so grouchy today?"
Ron and Hermione couldn't believe it! HE was in on it?
"Yes." Malfoy drawled. Harry had had to remind him the same as Ron and Hermione that Harry had killed Voldemort and that Draco owed him to get him to agree. "The goat bit him, now he's cranky."
To every ones amazement, from the corner of the classroom, a goat came walking from out of the shadows, and into the middle of the room, just standing there, looking around as though it belonged there.
Just as Snape drew his wand to get rid of the barn animal, it suddenly disappeared. Deciding he REALLY didn't want to know, Snape did not question his students as to the owner of the goat. Instead, he turned back to Harry, and extended his hand, still awaiting the boys homework.
"Snuffles ate my homework." Was Harry's excuse.
Snape glared at the boy.
"Don't be a dolt. You know as well as I do. He. Is. Dead." Snape spat.
To his astonishment, Harry's eyes began to tear. His head slowly turned towards Hermione.
"Yo- You... You... l-lied to... to m-me!" he managed to say between great heaving sobs. "You said... th- that was Snuf...Snuffles!"
Complete despair came over her face as she looked at Harry. She consoled him for a while and when she finally was able to calm him, she turned her face to Snape and every line of her face was etched with fury. Harry had a moment of pride. He never knew what a good actress Hermione could be.
Snape actually quailed under her glare. Harry put a scared look on his face and spoke to his teacher who was very slowly backing away from the fuming witch.
"Sir, think of her as a Tyrannosaurus Rex, okay? Hermione’s vision is based on movement: she can't see Snape if Harry doesn't move!"(4) Harry actually saw the moment that Snape believed that could be possible, and could have danced when Snape turned on Harry, and yelled at him to stay still.
It was actually almost a full minute after that the full absurdity of the statement sunk in and Snape reacted.
"Potter!" He yelled. "We're going to see the headmaster. Malfoy! Granger! Watch the class!"
With that Snape grabbed the back of Harry's robes and dragged him from the classroom.
"You know, Sir," Harry said, as Snape was dragging him out, "If I was wearing a cape, you wouldn't be able to do this!"
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"Is this correct, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked later in his office. Harry was seated in his usual chair, Snape was on his feet behind it, with Dumbledore seated behind his desk. "You did not do your homework today?"
"Well, you see, Professor Dumble.. you know, Sir," Harry replied. "Your name is awfully long. You ever think of a nickname?"
Harry heard Snape groan behind his chair.
"No." Dumbldore replied, a large smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eyes. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, something short." Harry thought a moment. "How about... P Dibby?"(5)
Dumbledore's smile and twinkle both grew.
"I like it!"
Snape groaned even louder.
"Can we get back to the issue at hand, headmas-"
"It's P Dibby, now." P Dibby corrected Snape.
"I don't think so. Back to the issue at hand."
"Oh fine. Old fart." Turning back to Harry, P Dibby continued. "No homework?"
"I did it!"
"You did it?" asked P Dibby.
"Yupp."
"Where?"
"In my pants.(6)"
"In your pants?"
"Yes. In my pants."
"You did your homework... in your pants?"
"That's what I said!"
"..."
"......."
"..!....."
"In... your pants?"
"Yes. In-"
"your pants."
"WHAT?!" yelled Snape.
“IN MY PANTS - GOD DAMN IT!(6)”
“I KNOW!” P Dibby yelled joyfully, his hands up in the air as he jumped up from his desk, a stupid grin plastered across his face like an amused 4 year-old.(6)
"WHAT?!" Snape seemed to really like the word today....
“BLOODY HELL!” Harry screamed, as he then stormed from P Dibby’s office, having had quite enough of this rubbish, (6)going back to potions.
“HOORAY!” P Dibby exclaimed gleefully after him as the boy left his office. (6)
“Incredibly talented boy, that one.”(6)P Dibby said to Snape. "Must give him some more house points. Imagine... doing potions homework in his pants. You must give him more than full credit, Severus, you know..."
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By the time Snape returned to the potions class, Harry had beaten him there. Snape opened the door, and a strange sight met his eyes. Harry was seated at his table, working on his potion, but the entire class was staring at him. Not one other person was doing any work. They were giving him an odd look too. Not just staring... an odd stare.
"Potter..." Snape said. When Harry looked up, Snape continued. "What did you do to them?" He indicated the students around the class room.
Harry looked around the room, and glanced from student to student as though noticing them for the first time.
"Well, Sir, people tend to think oddly of you when you run into a room screaming ‘bananas’.(7)" With that Harry returned to work, and Snape decided, for his mental health, he was taking the rest of the day off.
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A/N:
Ok. Here we go:
The quotes are numbered, but some also ran long, so all the stuff in bold were part of the other authors story, and they were all great enough to allow me to use them! (And seriously, I LOVED every single story these quotes came from... laughed my ass off!)
#2: '40 Ways to Tick Off the Order of the Phoenix' by DrunkYouthProdigiesAssociation
#3: 'Sanity, and the Whomping Willow' by Ailionora
#4: 'Just a Harmless Joke' by CrazyGirl47 (by the way, the end of the quote really goes: she can’t see George if Fred doesn’t move. Not Harry and Snape.)
#5: 'Nicknames' by Flyingxdragonx123
#6: 'In My Pants' by Emerald Elf-Slytherin707
#7: 'Bananas' by iluvpuddin
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"While you are working," Snape called to his students, "I would like you all, to take out your homework, and place it on your tables. While I check on your potions, I will collect the homework."
There was a mass movement around the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he even saw Harry Potter grab his bag, reach in, and draw out parchment and place it on the table for Snape to collect. Snape couldn't help but feel a bit smug, he felt as though he had won the battle between Potter and himself when it came to the boy doing his homework. What Snape didn't see, however, was the evil Slytherin smirk on the young Gryffindors face.
Snape patrolled the tables, checking on the students potions, making little comments here and there, or little insults to little Gryffindors... whether their potion was good or not, like that mattered.
Many of the Slytherins had also seen Harry place parchment on his table to be collected therefore, they weren't expecting anything to happen, so it was a few moments longer than usual for them to notice something a miss with their professor. For he had collected all but the golden trio's homework, saving them for last. He had taken Ron's first, followed by Hermione's, and then he had grabbed the parchment that from the other side of the room he had mistaken for homework, which was in reality:
"Potter, this is not art class." Snape said through gritted teeth. Praying to whatever deity there was that he could check his temper and NOT kill the savior of their world. So far, his control was losing quite rapidly.
"I know, Sir." Harry replied. "But, I was thinking..."
At the thought of Potter thinking, Snape groaned. This could not end with the class intact.
"What do you think, sir?"
"Of what?"
"Of the drawing, sir."
Snape looked down, and took a good look at the drawing for the first time. On the piece of paper was a drawing of a smiley face, with dozens and dozens of flowers exploding from its mouth.
"What...wh- what is this supposed to be, Potter?" Snape was so revolted by the drawing, he could barely speak.
"Well, Sir, after the war, I kept asking myself: 'Self, why doesn't the Light have a mark, too?'(2) So I made one for the next evil wizard!"
"So, your idea of an anti-dark mark is a smiley face that looks as though it is being choked to death by flowers? Oh yes. That will send evil doers everywhere running for the hills." Was Snape's retort. The class roared with laughter. They laughed even harder as Snape held up the picture that Harry had drawn. It indeed resembled a smiley face that was being murdered by being smothered with flowers. "How about a nice slogan to match, then? 'If you have evil powers, Harry will choke you with flowers!' How was that?" Once more the entire class collapsed into a fit of laughter.
Harry placed a frown on his face, and went into a pout, he had planned on Hermione asking what was wrong, but she didn't have to. Snape did it for her.
"Oh, what's wrong, Potter?" Snape asked, mock concern in every syllable.
"CLOAKS!" Harry yelled. "That's what's wrong!"(2)
Snape was a bit taken a back by his reply. He was expecting his to be angry, but at Snape for mocking him.
"And why, all of a sudden," Snape was curious enough to ask. "do you have an aversion to cloaks?"
"Well," Harry replied, "We're supposed to be a group of superheroes, why don't we wear capes?"(2)
"Who in their right mind ever said we were supposed to be superheroes?" Snape asked Harry, sincerely puzzled.
"Dumbledore." Was Harry's only reply.
Snape let out a snort.
"I said someone in their 'right-mind'."
Harry rolled his eyes and said, "You're one to talk. The Whomping Willow's just about as sane as you are."(3)
"Watch it, Potter." Snape growled. "Or you'll be sent to see the Headmaster."
Behind his back, Harry made a hand movement, Ron and Hermione looked at each other in confusion, it wasn't to either of them. What was Harry doing?
Harry leaned back in his seat, so he could have a clear view of the person he was about to speak with, and it wasn't Ron and Hermione.
"Do you know why Professor Snape is so grouchy today?"
Ron and Hermione couldn't believe it! HE was in on it?
"Yes." Malfoy drawled. Harry had had to remind him the same as Ron and Hermione that Harry had killed Voldemort and that Draco owed him to get him to agree. "The goat bit him, now he's cranky."
To every ones amazement, from the corner of the classroom, a goat came walking from out of the shadows, and into the middle of the room, just standing there, looking around as though it belonged there.
Just as Snape drew his wand to get rid of the barn animal, it suddenly disappeared. Deciding he REALLY didn't want to know, Snape did not question his students as to the owner of the goat. Instead, he turned back to Harry, and extended his hand, still awaiting the boys homework.
"Snuffles ate my homework." Was Harry's excuse.
Snape glared at the boy.
"Don't be a dolt. You know as well as I do. He. Is. Dead." Snape spat.
To his astonishment, Harry's eyes began to tear. His head slowly turned towards Hermione.
"Yo- You... You... l-lied to... to m-me!" he managed to say between great heaving sobs. "You said... th- that was Snuf...Snuffles!"
Complete despair came over her face as she looked at Harry. She consoled him for a while and when she finally was able to calm him, she turned her face to Snape and every line of her face was etched with fury. Harry had a moment of pride. He never knew what a good actress Hermione could be.
Snape actually quailed under her glare. Harry put a scared look on his face and spoke to his teacher who was very slowly backing away from the fuming witch.
"Sir, think of her as a Tyrannosaurus Rex, okay? Hermione’s vision is based on movement: she can't see Snape if Harry doesn't move!"(4) Harry actually saw the moment that Snape believed that could be possible, and could have danced when Snape turned on Harry, and yelled at him to stay still.
It was actually almost a full minute after that the full absurdity of the statement sunk in and Snape reacted.
"Potter!" He yelled. "We're going to see the headmaster. Malfoy! Granger! Watch the class!"
With that Snape grabbed the back of Harry's robes and dragged him from the classroom.
"You know, Sir," Harry said, as Snape was dragging him out, "If I was wearing a cape, you wouldn't be able to do this!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Is this correct, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked later in his office. Harry was seated in his usual chair, Snape was on his feet behind it, with Dumbledore seated behind his desk. "You did not do your homework today?"
"Well, you see, Professor Dumble.. you know, Sir," Harry replied. "Your name is awfully long. You ever think of a nickname?"
Harry heard Snape groan behind his chair.
"No." Dumbldore replied, a large smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eyes. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, something short." Harry thought a moment. "How about... P Dibby?"(5)
Dumbledore's smile and twinkle both grew.
"I like it!"
Snape groaned even louder.
"Can we get back to the issue at hand, headmas-"
"It's P Dibby, now." P Dibby corrected Snape.
"I don't think so. Back to the issue at hand."
"Oh fine. Old fart." Turning back to Harry, P Dibby continued. "No homework?"
"I did it!"
"You did it?" asked P Dibby.
"Yupp."
"Where?"
"In my pants.(6)"
"In your pants?"
"Yes. In my pants."
"You did your homework... in your pants?"
"That's what I said!"
"..."
"......."
"..!....."
"In... your pants?"
"Yes. In-"
"your pants."
"WHAT?!" yelled Snape.
“IN MY PANTS - GOD DAMN IT!(6)”
“I KNOW!” P Dibby yelled joyfully, his hands up in the air as he jumped up from his desk, a stupid grin plastered across his face like an amused 4 year-old.(6)
"WHAT?!" Snape seemed to really like the word today....
“BLOODY HELL!” Harry screamed, as he then stormed from P Dibby’s office, having had quite enough of this rubbish, (6)going back to potions.
“HOORAY!” P Dibby exclaimed gleefully after him as the boy left his office. (6)
“Incredibly talented boy, that one.”(6)P Dibby said to Snape. "Must give him some more house points. Imagine... doing potions homework in his pants. You must give him more than full credit, Severus, you know..."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
By the time Snape returned to the potions class, Harry had beaten him there. Snape opened the door, and a strange sight met his eyes. Harry was seated at his table, working on his potion, but the entire class was staring at him. Not one other person was doing any work. They were giving him an odd look too. Not just staring... an odd stare.
"Potter..." Snape said. When Harry looked up, Snape continued. "What did you do to them?" He indicated the students around the class room.
Harry looked around the room, and glanced from student to student as though noticing them for the first time.
"Well, Sir, people tend to think oddly of you when you run into a room screaming ‘bananas’.(7)" With that Harry returned to work, and Snape decided, for his mental health, he was taking the rest of the day off.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N:
Ok. Here we go:
The quotes are numbered, but some also ran long, so all the stuff in bold were part of the other authors story, and they were all great enough to allow me to use them! (And seriously, I LOVED every single story these quotes came from... laughed my ass off!)
#2: '40 Ways to Tick Off the Order of the Phoenix' by DrunkYouthProdigiesAssociation
#3: 'Sanity, and the Whomping Willow' by Ailionora
#4: 'Just a Harmless Joke' by CrazyGirl47 (by the way, the end of the quote really goes: she can’t see George if Fred doesn’t move. Not Harry and Snape.)
#5: 'Nicknames' by Flyingxdragonx123
#6: 'In My Pants' by Emerald Elf-Slytherin707
#7: 'Bananas' by iluvpuddin
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