Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Tell Me My Life
february 15th (still); katelynn
I tore my eyes from the ceiling to look out the window-- it was getting dark outside. I'd spent the past handful of hours going through a cycle: pacing, sitting, laying, standing, repeat. I heaved myself off of Brendon's bed and stood, stretching my legs.
Maybe this was overreacting. Maybe, I thought, it wasn't that big a deal at all. Maybe he hadn't even bothered to knock on the bedroom door all day because he thought I was pretty fucking stupid for blowing this so hugely out of proportion...
He didn't feel like that, though. Did he? With a sigh, I began pacing again, from the bed to the windown, wringing my hands anxiously the whole time.
Brendon didn't seem to think it was particularly unimportant-- in fact, even at the beginning of my self-proclaimed isolation, while I was still pouring tears out over William's speech, I couldnt get the image of Brendon's agonized face-- twisted up as if he were in pain, distored as though he was crying (although he was incapable of crying)-- out of my mind. He was definitely sorry for what he did.
Why, though? Maybe because he cared about me. Maybe because he was embarrased at the mention of having done that with me-- maybe he didn't care at all. I almost groaned audible as my kneeds bent and I sat on the edge of the bed. Maybe I should just go talk to him. I wasn't feeling the pain of the story so much anymore, now that I'd had time to think about it. Not matter what William called it, I refused to refer to it as rape. Brendon deserved better than that.
Right?
I fell backwards onto the bed, so that I was once again staring at the ceiling. Talk to him, I told myself. I needed to know what he was thinking, and, as i ronic as it was, I knew that simply being in his company would alieviate the majority of my anxiety.
With a sigh I rose from the bed, but rather than restart my pacing I headed for the door.
-----
brendon
I heard the door crack open, but I didn't stir from my position on the couch-- she was thirsty or something, there was no way Katelynn would want to speak to me yet. Possibly ever again. So naturally I was surprised when I felt the sofa sink gently on one side.
"Hey." Katelynn whispered.
"Hi." I kept my eyes averted from hers. She probably wanted to talk about staying somewhere else, and I'd already thought of that. I decided to get straight to the point, rather than make her suffer my company any longer. "Listen, Katelynn, I've been thinking abou the... situation. I'm certain that someone-- maybe Ryan, you'd like him, or even Bill-- would agree to let you stay with them instead of here. You'd be just as safe with any of them. So if you'd like to start packing your things I've brought a suitcase out for y--"
"What?" she asked blankly. "Where are you going?"
I didn't understand her question. "Er, nowhere."
"Then why do I have to leave?" I atroubled look adorned her face, and I was still confused. Obviously she wouldn't stay here.
"You don't have to. But don't you want to?"
"I-- uhm, not really. Should I?"
"I just thought... well, that with everything that happened, that you would want to... keep a distance from me."
She was silent for a minute, thinking. finally she spoke, slowly. "Do you want me to leave?"
"Of course not!" I blurted out a bit too loudly, without thinking. I instantly regretted it. Surely that would scare her off. But she surprised me again.
"Then I'd rather stay, if it's alright with you."
I was in shock, my mouth agape.
"but-- why?"
"Because I'm... comfortable here. And I'm comfortable with you, Brendon."
Comfortable? Was she fucking insane?
"Katelynn, I thought you understood William's story. I raped you, you can't be comfortable with me!"
"You didn't rape me. You just got... carried away."
I was beginning to get annoyed. I wanted so badly for her to be safe, yet she was being so naive!
"I trapped you and made you have sex with me, without your consent. Call it what you like, but it sounds like rape to me."
"It's only rape if the other person opposes it, which, from William's description, I dont think I did. In fact I'm fairly certain that I must have enjoyed myself, right? And people dont usually enjoy being raped."
"I was controlling you, Katelynn, you felt whatever I wanted you to feel!" I was very nearly shouting, wanting desperately for her to understand.
"Doesnt matter," Katelynn replied lightly. "Did I or did I not enjoy it?"
"Katelynn, you had no choice--"
"Bren! Answer me!"
With a sigh, I claimed defeat. "Fine. You did seem to be pretty content." Then, remembering, I added with a smirk, "You're very loud."
Katelynn blushed, but looked victorious all the same. "See? It wasn't rape then. Just a... misunderstanding?" She gave a wry smile, and I had to return it-- I always ended up smiling for her.
"Okay, we'll call it that. You really want to stay?"
Katelynn surprised me by reaching out to touch one of my hands. Again my thoughts escaped me, and my hand opened and wrapped around hers.
"If you want me to then yeah, I do."
"Thank you," I said, with all sincerity. She gave me so much more than I deserved sometimes. Often I wondered if I was wrong to accept her kindness, when I'd caused her so much pain... "And Katelynn, honey, I'm still very sorry for what I did. I know it doesn't help, I know that can't make it any better. But it's true."
I found myself leaning toward her as I spoke, getting closer to the heat of her body. Even the subtle warmth of her hand in my frozen one felt incredible.
"You apologize for a lot of shit that isn't your fault, Bren," Katelynn whispered, leaning in even more.
"It's all my fault," I replised, making her shiver as my cool breath blew across her face. Sometimes I absolutely loathed being so cold. "And I don't apologize nearly enough."
I watched in wonder as her eyes darted to my mouth for a fraction of a second, then back up. Surely she didn't want what I wanted? Not so soon after finding out what I'd done, at least. I was beginning to think that she was looking at my teeth, fearing the unintended closeness between us. Maybe she was afraid... But her words suggested otherwise.
"You don't have me under some wierd vampire trance, do you?" She laughed shakily, and I chuckled, shaking my head.
"Not this time, no."
Instincts took control as I closed the small gap between us, touching my frozen lips to her soft, warm ones. Quickly, though, my mind caught up with my actions and I turned my face to the side, breaking the kiss. She made an indignant noise in her throat that I doubted I was meant to hear.
"Just one more thing, Katelynn dear... I want to tell you that I won't hurt you again. Not ever again."
"I kn-"
"Let me finish, please. I want to tell you that. But as the words leave my lips, I can't garuntee that they're true. Do you understand that?"
Without answering, Katelynn crashed her lips into mine again. From this, I understood that I was forgiven.
----
A note, pushed under my front door later that night:
Brendon
The Dandies will meet tomorrow at noon. no excuses, Bren. Bring your pet with you, it's about her.
Regards,
William.
---------
I can't thank you guys enough for reading, especially the three people who have reviewed already(:
And on another note, can you really imagine William Beckett being mean? Hah, I can't. I've only talked to him for like five minutes, and I have no doubt in my mind that he's the biggest sweetheart on the planet (with the cutest butt-chin!).
love always and forever and ever, erin
I tore my eyes from the ceiling to look out the window-- it was getting dark outside. I'd spent the past handful of hours going through a cycle: pacing, sitting, laying, standing, repeat. I heaved myself off of Brendon's bed and stood, stretching my legs.
Maybe this was overreacting. Maybe, I thought, it wasn't that big a deal at all. Maybe he hadn't even bothered to knock on the bedroom door all day because he thought I was pretty fucking stupid for blowing this so hugely out of proportion...
He didn't feel like that, though. Did he? With a sigh, I began pacing again, from the bed to the windown, wringing my hands anxiously the whole time.
Brendon didn't seem to think it was particularly unimportant-- in fact, even at the beginning of my self-proclaimed isolation, while I was still pouring tears out over William's speech, I couldnt get the image of Brendon's agonized face-- twisted up as if he were in pain, distored as though he was crying (although he was incapable of crying)-- out of my mind. He was definitely sorry for what he did.
Why, though? Maybe because he cared about me. Maybe because he was embarrased at the mention of having done that with me-- maybe he didn't care at all. I almost groaned audible as my kneeds bent and I sat on the edge of the bed. Maybe I should just go talk to him. I wasn't feeling the pain of the story so much anymore, now that I'd had time to think about it. Not matter what William called it, I refused to refer to it as rape. Brendon deserved better than that.
Right?
I fell backwards onto the bed, so that I was once again staring at the ceiling. Talk to him, I told myself. I needed to know what he was thinking, and, as i ronic as it was, I knew that simply being in his company would alieviate the majority of my anxiety.
With a sigh I rose from the bed, but rather than restart my pacing I headed for the door.
-----
brendon
I heard the door crack open, but I didn't stir from my position on the couch-- she was thirsty or something, there was no way Katelynn would want to speak to me yet. Possibly ever again. So naturally I was surprised when I felt the sofa sink gently on one side.
"Hey." Katelynn whispered.
"Hi." I kept my eyes averted from hers. She probably wanted to talk about staying somewhere else, and I'd already thought of that. I decided to get straight to the point, rather than make her suffer my company any longer. "Listen, Katelynn, I've been thinking abou the... situation. I'm certain that someone-- maybe Ryan, you'd like him, or even Bill-- would agree to let you stay with them instead of here. You'd be just as safe with any of them. So if you'd like to start packing your things I've brought a suitcase out for y--"
"What?" she asked blankly. "Where are you going?"
I didn't understand her question. "Er, nowhere."
"Then why do I have to leave?" I atroubled look adorned her face, and I was still confused. Obviously she wouldn't stay here.
"You don't have to. But don't you want to?"
"I-- uhm, not really. Should I?"
"I just thought... well, that with everything that happened, that you would want to... keep a distance from me."
She was silent for a minute, thinking. finally she spoke, slowly. "Do you want me to leave?"
"Of course not!" I blurted out a bit too loudly, without thinking. I instantly regretted it. Surely that would scare her off. But she surprised me again.
"Then I'd rather stay, if it's alright with you."
I was in shock, my mouth agape.
"but-- why?"
"Because I'm... comfortable here. And I'm comfortable with you, Brendon."
Comfortable? Was she fucking insane?
"Katelynn, I thought you understood William's story. I raped you, you can't be comfortable with me!"
"You didn't rape me. You just got... carried away."
I was beginning to get annoyed. I wanted so badly for her to be safe, yet she was being so naive!
"I trapped you and made you have sex with me, without your consent. Call it what you like, but it sounds like rape to me."
"It's only rape if the other person opposes it, which, from William's description, I dont think I did. In fact I'm fairly certain that I must have enjoyed myself, right? And people dont usually enjoy being raped."
"I was controlling you, Katelynn, you felt whatever I wanted you to feel!" I was very nearly shouting, wanting desperately for her to understand.
"Doesnt matter," Katelynn replied lightly. "Did I or did I not enjoy it?"
"Katelynn, you had no choice--"
"Bren! Answer me!"
With a sigh, I claimed defeat. "Fine. You did seem to be pretty content." Then, remembering, I added with a smirk, "You're very loud."
Katelynn blushed, but looked victorious all the same. "See? It wasn't rape then. Just a... misunderstanding?" She gave a wry smile, and I had to return it-- I always ended up smiling for her.
"Okay, we'll call it that. You really want to stay?"
Katelynn surprised me by reaching out to touch one of my hands. Again my thoughts escaped me, and my hand opened and wrapped around hers.
"If you want me to then yeah, I do."
"Thank you," I said, with all sincerity. She gave me so much more than I deserved sometimes. Often I wondered if I was wrong to accept her kindness, when I'd caused her so much pain... "And Katelynn, honey, I'm still very sorry for what I did. I know it doesn't help, I know that can't make it any better. But it's true."
I found myself leaning toward her as I spoke, getting closer to the heat of her body. Even the subtle warmth of her hand in my frozen one felt incredible.
"You apologize for a lot of shit that isn't your fault, Bren," Katelynn whispered, leaning in even more.
"It's all my fault," I replised, making her shiver as my cool breath blew across her face. Sometimes I absolutely loathed being so cold. "And I don't apologize nearly enough."
I watched in wonder as her eyes darted to my mouth for a fraction of a second, then back up. Surely she didn't want what I wanted? Not so soon after finding out what I'd done, at least. I was beginning to think that she was looking at my teeth, fearing the unintended closeness between us. Maybe she was afraid... But her words suggested otherwise.
"You don't have me under some wierd vampire trance, do you?" She laughed shakily, and I chuckled, shaking my head.
"Not this time, no."
Instincts took control as I closed the small gap between us, touching my frozen lips to her soft, warm ones. Quickly, though, my mind caught up with my actions and I turned my face to the side, breaking the kiss. She made an indignant noise in her throat that I doubted I was meant to hear.
"Just one more thing, Katelynn dear... I want to tell you that I won't hurt you again. Not ever again."
"I kn-"
"Let me finish, please. I want to tell you that. But as the words leave my lips, I can't garuntee that they're true. Do you understand that?"
Without answering, Katelynn crashed her lips into mine again. From this, I understood that I was forgiven.
----
A note, pushed under my front door later that night:
Brendon
The Dandies will meet tomorrow at noon. no excuses, Bren. Bring your pet with you, it's about her.
Regards,
William.
---------
I can't thank you guys enough for reading, especially the three people who have reviewed already(:
And on another note, can you really imagine William Beckett being mean? Hah, I can't. I've only talked to him for like five minutes, and I have no doubt in my mind that he's the biggest sweetheart on the planet (with the cutest butt-chin!).
love always and forever and ever, erin
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