FicWad

A/N: This is the fifth one, and I've gotta admit that I didn't really like writing this one. The song, however, is an awesome one that I highly recommend you guys go listen to. The popular therory is that it's about God, but I don't write religious stuff.

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to "Up and Up"

Song Used: Relient K's "Up and Up"

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Forty-Three: Up and Up
Puppet: Keefe O'Kane

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Yesterday was not quite what it could have been,
As were most of the days before,
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in,
I'll be trying to make it so much more...

The past was so riddled with mistakes.

Of course, there were the obvious ones that have gotten old even to myself as I brought them up in my own mind. My father's untimely death, my step-father's cruel abuse, Jessie's heartbreaking betrayal, my abandonment of everything I held so close and dear just to spite my brother, and even the brief period of hurt when I had thought Casey's love had been unattainable.

But then there were smaller things, too. Just yesterday, I had been struggling to keep control of one of our newer horses, a spirited black filly by the name of Raven. She had refused to let me put a bridle on her and came damn close to catching my fingers in between her teeth a couple of times, and when Cage, one of the hands who had been trying to help me out since I got here, offered his help...

I'd been so humiliated, so angry that I couldn't handle a stupid horse when everyone else around me could, I'd driven him away with a wrathful snap and a snarl. I was good at that sort of thing, anyhow; I'd always been told that when my eyes smoldered (as they often did when I was furious), whoever was unfortunate enough to be under my gaze blanched.

I eventually managed to almost literally hold Raven down and slip on the bridle, but it had taken me much, much longer than it probably would've if I'd listened to Cage. But he'd been scared, hurt even, that I would lost my temper in such a way.

I felt guilty for it. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time I'd left someone to lick the wounds I'd inflicted upon their pride and hope.

But I wanted it to be the last. I really didn't want to be known for being scary or quick-tempered; I wanted to be known for my power and strength, or maybe my sometimes-savage honesty and unshakable loyalty. I wanted to be known for something good, not bad, but that always surprised people when they learned of it.

I wanted to make the most of my gifts, but it was really hard when I myself had a hard time believing in myself. Growing up, folks had always said my brother was the sweeter of the two; even at a very young age I could recall being jealous of the attention he got. I myself had been quiet, but even at that age I had had the tendency to speak my mind with the cruelest of honesty. When people scolded me for telling things the way they were, I would retreat into a corner and watch them gush over gentle, well-mannered Cormac. I had always wondered what was wrong with me.

But today was going to be different. I'd resolved to it this morning when I got up that I was going to be better. I wasn't going to get angry and wound anyone that way I so often did. I wasn't going to be jealous. I wasn't going to degrade myself.

I was going to make the most of my day.

'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong,
That the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see...

It was funny, really, how seeing the simplest of things affected me.

As said before, I'd decided that today was going to be different then yesterday early in the morning. But I was sure that it had had nothing to do with the fact that I'd been thinking about it the night before. No, I was pretty sure the thought had planted itself in my head when I opened my eyes and realized there was someone else huddled under the covers with me.

I don't remember her being there when I'd fallen asleep last night, which must've meant that she had come in sometime when I was still asleep. But then again, I don't know how she'd gotten into my room without my noticing, either.

All I knew was that she was there, warm, peaceful, and beautiful. Everything rushed to me like a herd of wild horses.

I'd been too caught up in those memories of all the shadows, the scorpions, the mistakes swirling about in my head it was no wonder that I hadn't been able to focus on the good things. Like the early morning sky my mind had been so fogged and clouded I wasn't able to see past the things that I was holding close. Being the pessimist I was, those were naturally the errors I'd made; clutching them tightly meant I wouldn't forget and make them twice over.

But then the sunlight peeked over the horizon, its milky fingers of light stretching across Casey's tan skin. It banished the fog, melting it into the nothingness it seemed to come from. Because of her, the light to my shadow, I could see things outside of faults, outside of flaws, outside of the past, and realized how stupid it was to be wasting all my energy holding them all.

But I'm finally catching onto it,
Yeah, the past is just a conduit,
And the light there at the end is where I'll be...

I decided to start with apologizing to Cage. And I could probably count on my fingers just how many people I'd apologized to in my entire life.

I got dressed and gently kissed the still-sleeping Casey goodbye before venturing out into the chilly morning air. The sun was barely up, as was I, but I had a feeling that he would be in outside the south pasture; he was a tough, experienced hand, and was one of the few who was capable of keeping our fiery stallions under control.

Sure enough, the sandy-haired, steely-eyed man was leaning up against the fence, watching the tall, burly horses grazing in the little fog that remained. I quietly slid up beside him, resting my elbows on the fence rail and peering in the same general direction. “Morning, Cage.”

I couldn't see it, but I could feel the surprised glance he shot my way. He obviously hadn't heard me coming. “M-mornin', Keefe.”

I figured it was best to get it out of the way first thing. “I'm sorry for yesterday. I was mad.”

'Cause I'm on the up and up,
I'm on the up and up,
And I haven't given up,
Given up on what I know I'm capable of,
I'm on the up and up,
Yeah, there's nothing left to prove,
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you,
A better version of me for you...

Cage was not stupid (unlike most of the other hands I had to deal with). When I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, he was looking at me with a face that was a mixture of surprise and immense gratitude. I think he could somehow tell that it was very rare for me to swallow my pride and say I was wrong. “It's...it ain't a problem, son,” he said eventually, even though I was probably only a few years younger than he, “you was just tryin' t' learn somethin' for yourself.”

I nodded slightly but he wasn't done. “I don't blame ya', though. I know we haven't given ya' the warmest of welcomes.”

I was pleased and startled all at the same time that he'd thought to bring that up. I'd always hated saying I was sorry because it made me recognize the fact that I'd failed at one point, but I had to admit that the results were nice. I bit the inside of my cheek before speaking again. “Next time,” I said slowly, ignoring the comment with my words only, “could you help me?”

Cage's silvery eyes were laughing from under his hat when he answered. “You bet.”

So I'd just apologized and asked for help; two of the three hardest things to say in this word. Tipping my own hat in a silent goodbye, I started back to the hands' quarters. Casey would be proud.

To the prosperous,
Would not require much of me,
You see, contentment is the only thing that entails,
To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be,
I'm moving past the past where I have failed...

I didn't need to prove myself to anyone but her, I realized as I strolled past the barns. It hadn't been as if I'd chosen to stay here because I wanted to make friends; I'd given up my boring city life to work at Black Jack because I wanted to be with her. It had been silly of me to worry about how the other men would see me if I made a mistake; Casey was really all that mattered, right?

I ached to go back to my room and see if I could catch a few more winks of sleep with her. My fingers itched to touch her skin for just a few seconds longer, but I resisted them. I had work to do.

I poked into the mare's barn and meandered over toward Raven's stall, where I clicked my tongue in greeting to her as I opened the top half of the stall. The filly's ears pricked and, in some odd, perhaps aggressive way of saying hello, stretched her neck out and butted her head against my chest.

I bit back my irritation. I was starting on a clean slate today. I patted her nose and gently pushed her away. It felt much better, after all, to just let it roll off my shoulders.

But I'm finally catching on to it,
Yeah, the past is just a conduit,
And the light there at the end is where I'll be...

I applied my newly-discovered manners (as many of the boys called it) on everyone all day, though I also learned that I didn't have to change completely. I didn't have to be a complete suck-up; I was still the same prickly guy who didn't need to listen to them to know what I was doing, but I wasn't as...cruel about it.

And it was nice, actually, because people reacted to me a lot better than they had yesterday. But they hadn't really changed much, either. They were still cautious of my sharp tongue, still doubtful of the skill of my hand, and some were still angry because of my purpose for being there in the first place. They were just softer about it.

Whether that was because they were actually being nicer or if I'd finally realized they really didn't matter, I wasn't sure.

It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'd been through in darkness going from all the way back to when I was young, jealous of my brother, to recent times, when I was clutching tightly to the mocking words of the other cowboys and allowing them to have some sort of hold on me.

But now I'd realized that Casey, the light in my constant state of shadow, was the only one that was worth anything. But she'd already accepted me for who I was, and I didn't have to change.

But I kind of automatically did, I guess. Letting go like that meant a big change, but not one large enough to make me a different person. I was still Keefe O'Kane. I still had hawk eyes. I still had a scarred heart. I still had a twin brother who was my polar opposite.

'Cause I'm on the up and up,
I'm on the up and up,
And I haven't given up,
Given up on what I know I'm capable of,
I'm on the up and up,
Yeah, there's nothing left to prove,
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you,
A better version of me for you...

By the end of the day, I had gotten a lot done, but had worn myself out in the process. I ended up laying out in front of mare's barn, my hat pulled down over my eyes, hands folded over my stomach, and head rested against the firm, warm side of the ranch dog, a mongrel they called, very simply, Mutt. Tired as I was, I was satisfied; a good day's work meant a good night's rest.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd worked like that. It felt awesome.

“Good work today, Mutt.” I told the dog who had accompanied me most of the day, reaching back and gently scratching him behind the ears.

“I'll say,” a familiar voice came from above us, “you've been a whirlwind today, I hear.”

Never cease to supply,
Me with what I need to be,
So when I'm done, I'll hold my head up high,
'Cause you're my reason why,
You are...

Both Mutt and I sat up, a calm smile on my face as I tilted my hat back. Casey was knelt down beside me. It had been the first time I'd seen her since this morning. I reached out a hand and slid it over her jaw and back behind her neck, leaning in for a brief kiss on the lips like the one I'd given before I left earlier. It lasted for just a moment, but when I pulled away my mouth still lingered over hers. “Yeah, I guess I have.”

I didn't wait for her to reply before asking her a question that had been on my mind since I'd woken up. “Why'd you come in my room last night?” I inquired, hooding my eyes contentedly to show that I wasn't angry or suspicious.

She chuckled wryly through her nose, the breath hot and welcome against my skin. “Oh, that. It was the strangest thing...I-I had one Helluva nightmare about you and...” she trailed off for a moment and shuddered, as if she was reliving whatever awful scenario she'd seen last night.

I felt my freed heart soften toward her even more and, gently tugging her forward with my arms, brought her closer to my chest, glad for her warmth in the chill as the sun went down. “And?”

“And I just had t' make sure you were okay. Then when I came in an' saw you sleepin'...” she smiled a little there, placing a tender, momentary kiss of her own upon my mouth, “you were so cute that I couldn't help but snuggle up.”

I smiled a little. “I'm glad you did,” I told her, “I can't think of a better way to wake up.”

“Keefe O'Kane!” Casey lifted her voice into the mocking imitation of a scolding mother hen, despite the fact she was giggling like mad, “I'd say you were just a smooth-talkin' city boy tryin' to lead me astray, if I didn't know any better.”

I frowned sharply. I knew she was only joking, but I still didn't like the intent behind the words. “No, you misunderstand,” I said with a shake of my head, “I just meant that I realized something, watching you sleep.”

Her eyebrows raised quizzically. I smiled a little. “For now on, Case, I'm gonna do my best,” I said cryptically, once more touching lips, “for you. No one else.”

I'm on the up and up,
I'm on the up and up,
And I haven't given up,
Given up on what I know I'm capable of,
Yeah, I'm on the up and up,
Yeah, there's nothing left to prove,
'Cause I'm trying to be a better version of me for you,
I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you.

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A/N: Okay, so I know these type of stories are getting a little...uh...old? I promise that the next one from Keefers' view will be different, and you won't have to read anymore of this weird crap.