FicWad

A/N: This'll be the sixth winter break oneshot. Personally, I think this is some of my best work, and it's a little new, considering who I wrote the point of view from. It's kind of a sequel to "One More Sad Song."

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to "Silence"

Song Used: Aly and A.J.'s "Silence"

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Forty-Four: Silence
Puppet: Jessie Rusher

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I'll bet two years, I'll bet one year,
I'll bet those years you won't be here,
I guess I'll keep, I guess you'll keep,
Every memory,
Sadly, we may never be...

If I thought I knew pain before this moment, I had been wrong.

So very wrong.

I watched in horror as his face – his strong, young, beautiful face – crumpled into a mask of sheer agony, his eyebrows coming together above those eerie, hawk-like eyes and the supple olive skin wrinkling as those full, well-shaped lips worked themselves into words, each one piercing my heart like a sharp thorn.

“You do not!” he screamed at me, tears streaming down his cheeks in tiny silver waterfalls, “Don't lie to me!”

Helplessly I watched as he crumbled to his knees with his tearful face hidden under his hands, a dagger only he and I could see jabbed right through his heart. I started to move toward him, but held back; he had been acting like a wild animal, and wild animals generally snapped at those who tried to help them, didn't they?

I was scared. God damn it, I was so scared. I didn't move. I stood there, willing my stubborn feet to go forward and comfort him, explain myself, beg for forgiveness. But they didn't move, and I was forced to watch him bleed on the floor, his words reverberating inside my head.

Don't lie to me.

Tears of my own – tears full of shame for the indescribable pain I had just caused the one I loved – spilled down either side of my face. I couldn't lose him because of this. I couldn't lose him because of my own stupid, selfish mistake. I couldn't let us live with the memories for the rest of our lives.

Keefe O'Kane meant more to me than anyone I'd ever met. He wasn't the first boy to ask me to dance with him, but he was the first one who had held me so close and tender that I wanted to stay in his arms forever. He wasn't the first boy I'd kissed, but he was the first one who's lips had sent me spiraling into the point of no return.

He was the first boy I'd loved.

And I'd lied to him, cheated on him, betrayed him, wronged him, killed him...

And for what? Another boy who was easier to tame? A boy who didn't really love me back and just wanted to screw me? A boy who would never weep for me the way he wept now?

He'd never forgive me. We would've been better off if 'we' had never existed.

I'll bet my tears, I'll bet your tears,
I'll bet those tears,
Over time could disappear...

Finally my legs seemed to obey my brain's command, and I slowly made my way over to the trembling, sobbing boy. I knelt beside him and wrapped an arm across his shoulders, hoping to still them, to calm him down, to stop his crying and give me some time to heal him. I was unsure of what words to say and only using the simplest ones that were racing through my head, tried to make everything better. “I'm sorry,” I whispered desperately in his ear, a stray curl of his thick, dark hair brushing gently against my face, “I love you, Keefe. I really do.”

Dear God, I did.

I had made a mistake, doing this horrible thing to him. I had no excuse. If his love had had a fault it was only that there was too much of it; he never even looked at any other girls the way he looked at me, and here I'd gone and dated another boy behind his back. For three weeks.

Three weeks I'd deceived him. It wasn't fair.

“No, you don't,” he insisted stubbornly, his voice shaking and making my heart ache for him, “you were lying to me when you said that for the past three weeks. Why should this time be any different? Why should I believe you now?”

You shouldn't. But I do! I do, I do, I do, I do...

I sniffed and withdrew my arm, wiping my face with the back of my hand. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say to repair the damage that I'd caused. His trust in me had been shattered along with his heart, and I could never find all the pieces again.

Maybe if I just leave it alone for a while...maybe he'll stop hurting so much and I can try then...

I tricked myself into believing that stupid lie – lies, lies, lies were everywhere – and got up, ready to leave him be. I walked back toward the door I'd come through just a few minutes before, feeling like I was in slow motion. I was just about to slip outside when his voice stopped me. “Why?”

I looked over my shoulder at him and my heart broke for him right then and there. Still he was in the submissive position on his knees, only now his hands were gone from his face and I could see his eyes. The dark pools of mystery and hidden passion were bright with tears yet, and I could see such a unspeakable pain glimmering from just behind them. “What did I do wrong?” He asked hoarsely, face pleading for an answer.

I didn't have one. There was no good reason for my lies, unless one wished to count my inability to deal with the fact that his life was far from perfect. He hadn't done anything wrong except fall in love with a unfaithful slut – for that's the word he had used – like me. “It's...” I hesitated, “it's not your fault.”

He got up. He came over to me. He held me frighteningly close. He pressed his mouth to mine in a harsh, biting kiss that could've been a substitute for a punch. I could only hope the his parting words would fade in my mind over time. “I hope he's a better kisser than me.”

Wait a minute, I have more to say,
And I can't reminiscence need to me,
I need you, more than you'll ever know,
I still do, willing to let it show...

The next few days were a living Hell for me.

I broke up with Lou, the guy I'd been seeing behind Keefe's back. I'd been blind to the painfully obvious fact that he had no real feelings for me, but watching my poor knight suffer made me realize that I'd been living in a falsehood of my own creation.

I hadn't meant to cause so much trouble. It had just been that Keefe had so many bad things going on in his life, such a heavy burden on his burly shoulders and I...I just couldn't help him carry it all. I wasn't strong enough. I hadn't had the heart to break up with him, to leave him while he was so hurt by his step-dad, and had planned on waiting until he seemed stronger to tell him the news.

He wasn't supposed to know about Lou. He wasn't supposed to know about any of it.

I would've preferred struggling alongside him with his troubles. I knew that now. Seeing him every day, with his dark eyes downcast and sunken from lack of sleep and the constant absence of a smile on his lips hurt much, much more then anything I could ever imagine. He didn't want to look at me at all, and it was every inch by my own doing.

But I still needed him. The Keefe O'Kane I saw was not the real thing; he was a mere ghost, a shadow of the boy I loved. It was killing me to see him like that.

I wanted to tell him that so much, but how could I when I knew he wouldn't believe a word of it?

I need a minute just to get to you,
I feel like I may be getting through,
Come over and say nothing,
Silence is everything (oh)...

After a week had gone by, I found myself waiting for him out in front of his house, playing absently with some blades of grass as I waited for him and his brother to arrive home from school. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, but wasn't it enough that I'd come to wait for him? I just needed him to know I still cared. I needed him to know that I had made a mistake.

I didn't have to wait long. I'd only been sitting around for less than five minutes when the silhouettes of the brothers transformed into actual people. Keefe saw me first and his eyes narrowed, while Mac took a moment to realize what was going on. The scarred one shot the other a worried glance, but Keefe waved him away. Nothing was said between the twins. Mac went inside and my ghost stood silently before me, hollow eyes searching and suspicious.

I chewed my lip nervously under his hawk eyes, but I met them with desperate courage. He spoke first. “What do you want?”

I wished he hadn't spoken, for his sharp tone put an arrow through my chest.

I know, I know, I know (I know, I know),
Feelings to show,
If you let go – oh-oh-oh,
It must be told, I've got a hold (it must be told),
On what we used to have...

I gazed at him for a long time without answering, both because I wasn't sure how to and because I didn't want to give him any more reasons to snap at me. His face was hard and stony, giving away no traces of emotion; but I knew better then to look at that to find anything. They said the eyes were the windows to one's soul, and if that was true with anyone it was true with Keefe; people just never knew that because his were so intense, so ardent with emotion that it made them flinch and afraid to look at them.

And in his eyes I saw hurt, hope, and anger all at the same time. I chose to ignore the fury, feeling my heart lift slightly. Maybe he was willing to take me back. Maybe he'd been suffering as much as I had and was ready to end it, be together again, be happy again...

“I need you.” I whispered softly.

His eyes hardened as the meaning of the words sunk in, and I felt my heart sink right back down to my toes again. “Yeah?” he challenged, “Do you tell him that, too?”

I felt those tears creeping back up on me again, hurt that he didn't trust me anymore. “No,” I told him for what seemed like the millionth time since the beginning of this huge mess, “Keefe, I'm not seeing him anymore.”

“Good.”

I will forgive if you forget,
All the things we said,
And let's accept it,
I need you, more than you'll ever know,
I still do, willing to let it show...

He gave no other insight, no other opinion. Just 'good,' was it? No questions? He wasn't interested in the details? If Lou had been angry? If I was sorry? I would've at least expected a proud sort like him to flaunt the fact that if he couldn't have me, no one could.

I didn't really give those questions too much thought. “I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry, Keefe. For everything. I...I miss you.”

He pressed his lips together grimly. “I'm sure you do.”

Salt slowly started to trickle down my face, losing hope so fast it was making my head spin with the suddenness of it all. It was like I'd been a kite, slowly rising up into the sky as the wind picked up, but now I'd ended up crashing into the ground.

“Please,” I begged, “can't we just forget all that?”

I need a minute just to get to you,
I think I may getting through,
Come over and say nothing,
Silence is everything...

Keefe's eyes flickered with something I couldn't quite identify. It had an element of pain, and I could only assume that it was because he was as hurt as I was about this entire ordeal. There was also a bit of desire, which I could only guess meant that it was a tempting offer that he may consider in the darkest corners of his mind. A third part; doubt, which I was positive meant that he was less than sure about how he should answer.

“I want to,” he murmured, leaning in so close that his lips hovered just above mine, so tempting, so perfect, but not quite there, “my heart aches for you, Jess...”

It felt like his heart was reaching out for mine again at those soft, sincere words, and I felt mine fluttering eagerly up to meet it. I stood still and waited, hoped, prayed that he would kiss me, talk to me like that some more. His firm, rough hands found my hips and rested innocently there, far more exciting that Lou's had ever been and ever could be.

Neither of us said anything. Neither of us had to. The crackling, hissing, spitting energy jumping from his soul to mine said it all.

He still loved me; I could feel it in the way his hands brought me close, and I eagerly wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him closer. He still wanted me; I could tell by the way his warm breath came shallow and quick, and I too, felt my heart start beating a little faster. He still needed me; the intense, smoldering love I'd seen so many times in his dark eyes was burning itself into my own eyes.

Then his eyes slid closed and his face softened, looking content for the first time in a week. It made me think of the satisfied look I'd seen that last happy time we'd had together, when we had been cuddled together on the couch, his arms wrapped securely around me. It had been such a perfect moment, one where neither of us had to talk in order to know the strength of our feelings.

And this was another one.

Just when I thought I was about to melt from the way he held the kiss right in front of my nose, his lips brushed right past my mine, taunting and mocking. His straight, strong nose rubbed gently against my cheekbone, his hot breath sliding lazily over my skin.

He wasn't going to kiss me. He wasn't going to take me back. He wasn't going to trust me again. I could feel it in the way he was holding me. We both knew this was the last time we could ever share a moment like that again.

“But I can't,” he murmured, his hands drifting back to his sides but his face still horribly close, “I just can't.”

His words made me ache for the silence again.

Shh, silence.

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A/N: So I was talking with a friend on IM while I was writing this, and she was really surprised when I told her this whole Jessie Rusher thing is a huge part of Keefe's character. "Why would anyone want to cheat on Keefe?" XD