FicWad

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, don't own the basic plot and quotes you recognise from Californication.

WARNINGS: This story is based on the television series "Californication", if you didn't like it or were offended by it, please do not read. I have changed a lot of the plot to suit my own wicked ways but it still includes a lot of swearing, alcohol and drug use, sex in every shape and form and some volgarity. Please do not read if this offends.


Chapter Thirteen - It probably won’t work out ... Fingers crossed though!

Frank hated funerals.

He had already said goodbye to Don Way in his own private way, there was no reason for him to sit around in a church listening to some priest ramble on. As far as he was concerned, the funeral was nothing special.

Okay, so the real reason Frank was pissed off was because Gerard sat with Lindsey and Mikey the whole time. He cried during the service and Lindsey was there to put an arm around his shoulder and comfort him with a quick kiss. All Frank could do was sit back in his seat up the back of the church and roll his eyes at the gesture of love.

It was hard to believe that in the ridiculously earlier hours of that day, right before Frank was shoved onto a plane and sent off to New Jersey, he had woken up to find Gerard still sleeping peacefully by his side. Frank was positive he should have felt slightly victorious, but now that he was sitting there watching Gerard and Lindsey hold each other tightly, he was beginning to wonder if the drugs had caused him to imagine the whole scenario.

Had he and Gerard really had sex or was it all just part of his extremely wild and kinky imagination?

Yet, the moment the service was over and Lindsey approached Frank, still clasping tightly onto the dark-sunglasses clad Gerard, he knew that he had not just imagined the events of the night before. Gerard squeezed Lindsey hand just that little bit tighter and cleared his throat in an awkward manner as he tried his very hardest not to make any sort of eye contact with Frank.

Of course Frank wanted to stir shit up and shout out right then and there that last night he and Gerard had sex on he and Lindsey's bed, but even he knew that it wasn't the time nor the place. Pity though, he wanted nothing more then to wipe that smug smile off Lindsey's face.

"I'm really glad you could make it Frank," was all Lindsey said before she tapped him on the shoulder and dragged Gerard away.

For a split second Frank seriously considered simply reaching out, grabbing Gerard's arm and prying him away from his soon to be wife. He didn't like being ignored, even though he had expected this exact reaction, to what they had done, from Gerard.

When Gerard had awoken that morning to find Frank struggling to put his pants on and smoke a cigarette at the same time, there was an immediate tension in the room.

"Morning," was all Frank said as he watched Gerard swallow hard and reach an all new shade of pale as what little colour there was of his skin drained completely.

Gerard simply threw back the covers, did up his own pants and wrestled his shoes back on in complete and utter silence. Finally, he just sat on the bed, elbows on knees and head resting heavily in his hands.

And they remained like that, on either side of the bed, both creating their own scenarios about what this meant and what was going to happen from here until Frank's cigarette was finished and Gerard finally spoke.

"Come on Frank ... we have a plane to catch."

Then that was that. Frank didn't try and make him talk about what had happened or why it had happened, he didn't need to. He had never been a morning person and waking up so early had already buried him in a deep pit of self-loathing. Gerard had only slept with him because he was over-come by grief, it didn't mean anything. That was the conclusion his exhausted mind came up with.

Naturally as the day progressed and Frank was forced to watch Gerard walk into Lindsey's waiting arms at the airport and then remain safely in them for the entire service, the feeling that Gerard had merely used him returned. Now that he was choosing to ignore Frank rather then talk about it, he was positive that the grieving Gerard had merely fucked him to forget, if only for a moment or two, that his father was gone forever.

Frank was no fucking girl, he didn't want to pull Gerard aside and ask him if it meant anything, he didn't want to break down and cry because he was fucking used and abused. So, instead, he distanced himself from the mass amounts of grieving people dressed in black and lit up a cigarette.

"Can you spare one?" someone asked as they approached Frank from behind.

Spinning around, Frank's face softened as he caught site of Mikey. The kid was almost as pale as Gerard and he looked as though he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. He had dark-sunglasses on, much the same as his brother, and a long black trench-coat that made Frank's heart speed up because, for a second, just looking at how Mikey was dressed made him remember the band.

"Sure man," Frank said as he tossed Mikey his pack of smokes and lighter. "Where's Alicia?"

Mikey shrugged rather disinterestedly as his lips disappeared in the packet of cigarettes only to emerge with one placed delicately between them. He flicked the lighter until a dancing flame was produced and he lit the end of the smoke with slightly shaky hands.

Remaining silent, he continued to approach Frank until they were standing side by side, their shoulders just brushing up against each other every now and then. The silence was only broken by a large sniff from Mikey, whether due to the cold weather or because he was crying, Frank couldn't be sure.

There was no need to say "I'm sorry for your loss" or "are you okay?" because at that moment Frank felt closer to Mikey then he had in a long time. They were side-by-side, both dressed in black, their thoughts completely their own and yet strangely, Frank was sure he knew exactly what Mikey was thinking.

"What happened to your face? You're all bruised and swollen," Mikey finally said, as he let out a breath of smoke into the chilly air.

Frank just snickered ever so slightly at the question, which only caused Mikey to stare at him and cock his head to the side in confusion.

"Guess I didn't take the news of your dad's death as well as I should have," Frank admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. "The face is nothing really ... you should see the fucking bruises I have on my balls."

If Frank had let this comment slip to anyone but Mikey, he was sure he would have been hit hard with millions of questions. As it just so happened, the younger Way knew him all too well. Frank didn't need to explain about the hooker, Mikey knew him well enough to make up some scenario or other in his head of just how Frank's balls could have gotten pummeled. It wouldn't be a hundred percent accurate, but it wouldn't be too far from the tree either.

After a few moments, Mikey shook his head and chuckled slightly. It wasn't much, but it was a smile and Frank was glad that for a moment or two, he could help his friend forget about his misery.

"So, where did Gerard end up finding you?" Mikey asked, his smile fading as he stared at Frank curiously.

Frank paused, momentarily speechless. He had a guilty mind after all, why wouldn't he, with all the things he got up to lately? At Mikey's words his brain desperately tried to come up with some sort of short and simple response to the question. Did Mikey know what had happened? Would he react the same as he did last time? Frank hadn't thought of that, he couldn't afford to loose Mikey as his friend once again.

"Finding me?" he repeated, deciding to play dumb, after all Mikey hadn't been very specific with his question.

"Yeah, he did find you right? I mean, you're here aren't you?" Mikey said, a small confused smile playing across his face at Frank's response.

"Well, of course I'm here. Shit Mikey, what's in that cigarette?" Frank joked, trying anything to get off the topic of Gerard. He wasn't in the mood right now.

"What? Nothing. I just figured Gerard was the one that brought you here; after all, he ditched the early flight with Lindsey, Bob and Ray to go and find you. When Bob and Ray turned up at the airport without you last night, he quickly left to go and find you. He was seriously worried about you, we all were," Mikey finally shot out, surprising Frank slightly.

Frank had completely over looked how strange it was that Gerard had found him last night. After all, as far as he was concerned, they were all already back in New Jersey, consolidating Gerard and Mikey's mother. It hadn't even occurred to him that Gerard delayed his flight simply to go and look for him.

"I'm guessing he didn't tell you that then," Mikey continued to speak when he realised Frank was momentarily incapable.

Frank just shook his head and returned to sucking on the cigarette between his fingers. He didn't trust himself to speak or say anything else, somehow he knew that no matter what he said, Mikey would catch on and just know what they got up to last night. In fact, some nagging little thought attacking his brain told him that Mikey already knew.

"Well anyway, I'm glad you came," Mikey said, once again being the one to fill the silence. "Dad would have wanted you here ... and I'm sure he'd be glad to know that your balls were crushed."

Mikey smiled again as he rested the cigarette between his lips, Frank couldn't help but laugh lightly at the comment either.

Then, there was a moment where they both just stood there in silence again and Frank could almost feel Mikey's eyes boring into him knowingly from just out of his peripherals. It was then that he was positive that Mikey knew, just an inkling, but it was enough. Still, if he did know, then the younger Way was keeping it to himself, because he didn't say anything about it.

The next few days after the funeral all seemed to run into each other and Frank was unable to distinguish clearly when one day ended and another began. He didn't stay in the Way household, nor did he go back home to see his mother. Instead, he distanced himself from everyone and shouted himself a hotel room. A hotel room he barely used.

Most of his time back home in New Jersey was spent outdoors, in the big-bad world. He found it helped him think. During the day he would walk to the local park, zip up his jacket to shield himself from the chill winter air, light a cigarette and then pull out a scrunched up bit of paper and a pen. From there, Frank would write.

Lyrics seemed to poor out of him, tunes for songs seemed to swirl around inside of his brain and become the whisper of a melody between the two fingers that tapped gently on his knee as he wrote.

As soon as there was no more light for him to see what he was writing, he would shove the paper back into his pocket, light up another cigarette and then walk the dangerous streets of his home town.

His phone rang during the day. Ray or Bob's name mostly flashing across the screen. Gerard didn't call, Mikey rang once. On that one occasion Frank let him have the honour of being the first person that he had spoken to in days. Mikey seemed to know him to well, all he did was ask how he was and made sure he was safe before they both said their usual see you soon’s and parted ways.

Mikey told him when their flights back to their respective homes were and Frank made sure not to be on the same flight. He was positive that he would not be able to handle an hour long plane trip filled with Lindsey and Gerard's sickening lovey dovey bull-shit.

Instead, he had to put up with about twelve other couples for an hour, all displaying their own offensive lovey dovey crap. Frank tried to ignore them, he felt slightly removed from all types of affection.

Still, when the plane finally landed and Frank had collected his luggage, he was suddenly hit with that all too familiar feeling of triumph. Now that he had officially put New Jersey behind him again and laid his memories of Don to rest, he was beginning to (or rather, forcing himself to begin to), look on the bright side of things.

After all, Gerard had gone back for him. And no matter how much he ignored Frank, it still didn't change the fact that they had slept together. He was one step closer ... Gerard still cared about him and much, much more then he let up.

Oh, and, to lighten his mood even more, he had a whole new list of song names and song lyrics burning a hole in his pocket.

It was safe to say that by the time he stepped outside the airport and once again lit up his one and only life-line and breathed in its toxic fumes, that his spirits were substantially lifted. Something about the thought of going back to his possessions, back to his home, back to his thinking space and the place he knew like the back of his hand seemed to toss him back out of the whirlpool of self-loathing.

"Frank! Where did you disappear to?" a voice asked, breaking through his thoughts and snapping him back to the reality of trying to catch a cab.

His smile faded slightly as he turned towards the voice and found himself looking at a rather surprised Lindsey and Gerard as they packed their luggage into the boot of a car.

"Oh you know ..." he said by means of an answer. "What are you guys still doing here? Mikey said you were all flying back yesterday."

"I flew back yesterday with Mikey, Bob and Ray," Lindsey corrected him as she eyed Gerard a little suspiciously, finding his unusual silence to be, no doubt, extremely out of character. "Gerard wanted to stay an extra day, he flew back this morning."

Frank almost laughed at that. It was so typical. Gerard had waited an extra day so he wouldn't have to be on the same flight as Frank, Frank had done the same. Now, here they were, a day later and both running into each other. He should have seen it coming.

"So ..." Lindsey added, when neither Frank nor Gerard contributed to the conversation at hand. "You going straight home Frank? You need a lift?"

At the offer, Frank almost swallowed the cigarette he had perched delicately between his lips. It was awfully nice of Lindsey to offer ... what was the catch?

"Er - I'll just, you know, grab a cab. There are plenty of the stupid things around here ... seems a shame to waste one," Frank responded, rather stupidly, to her offer.

At Lindsey’s suggestion, Gerard had snapped out of his own head and glanced at her in disbelief. It appeared the feeling was mutual; neither Frank nor Gerard could understand why she was being so nice.

"Don't be stupid Frank, get in the car," Lindsey shot back at him, rolling her eyes and stepping around to the drivers side as though the matter was settled.

He wanted to argue, but the truth was, he didn't like cabs and the more he pushed the matter and fought her on the offer, the more suspicious he was sure she would become. After all, right before Don's death and that fateful night, Gerard and Frank had been hanging out again like the best friends they once were long ago. Wouldn't it be a bit strange if all of a sudden they couldn't stand to be in the same car together?

"Alright, I'm coming," Frank said, sucking the last breath of potential cancer out of his smoke before tossing it to the ground and stamping it out.

Gerard still just stood there, staring between his wife and Frank a little shell shocked, clearly trying to find a way to either get out of the situation or try and make sense of it. Frank decided to be the grown-up. If Gerard was going to play these childish games of ignorance, then he would just have to force acknowledgement out of him.

A smiling Lindsey climbed into the driver’s seat whilst Frank tossed his luggage in the boot of her car, slammed it closed and then took a moment to study the still silent Gerard.

"I call shot-gun," he yelled, before sticking out his tongue at Gerard and rushing around to the front passenger side.

Who was he kidding? He had never been very good at being grown-up.

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The ride to Gerard and Lindsey's house wasn't as bad as Frank had anticipated it would be. Gerard didn't say much, just sat quietly in the back seat, but he seemed slightly less tense now that they had all put the funeral, and anything that had happened just before it, behind them.

Still, it wasn't Gerard that bothered Frank, it was Lindsey. She kept up her good mood the whole drive back and Frank couldn't help but wonder what the fuck had happened! Was she being so nice because they had all just experienced a tragic loss? Or was there some other reason? Why, when someone close to all of them had just died, would she look so cheery?

It wasn't until they finally turned into Gerard and Lindsey's street that Frank began to suspect why she was so happy. Gerard had been hanging off her all weekend. He needed her, she liked that. It was power and it was the feeling of finally wining. She had Gerard, hook, line and sinker. Frank didn't stand a chance anymore ... or so she thought.

Yet, even though he tried to remind himself that he and Gerard had slept together, that feeling of being used crept back into his heavy head. Gerard was grieving, Frank was grieving, people do strange things when they're upset.

By the time they had pulled into the driveway, Gerard and Lindsey were talking animatedly to themselves about what they thought Jack and Jess had been up to in their absence, whilst Frank was now the unusually silent one.

Gerard got out of the car first, grabbing as many bags as he could from the boot as he headed for the front door, Lindsey followed closely behind whilst Frank took his time as he brought up the rear. He didn't carry his luggage inside, he didn't live here. This was just the first stop off before he was taken back to his own home, to be alone with his own self hatred.

As soon as Frank entered the house though, his depressing thoughts seemed to evaporate as his ears were delightfully attacked by the sounds of a song, none other then, 'Famous Last Words'.

"What the hell?" Lindsey said, looking slightly annoyed as she dropped her luggage and made her way towards the music.

Frank just looked towards Gerard in confusion and was surprised to see that he was smiling. Naturally, it only made the sides of Frank's lips curve upwards to and there was a moment where the two of them just stared at each other, listening to the song that they had created, before it was broken by Lindsey's yelling.

Gerard made after Lindsey whilst Frank, once again, brought up the rear. When they entered the lounge room, the smile on his face grew to an almighty laugh.

The music blared out much louder now that they had reached the room it was occupying, it was so loud that Frank was surprised the neighbours hadn't come in and broke down the door begging them to shut the fuck up. Then, right in the middle of all the noise, were the culprits behind the sound.

Jack rolled around on the floor, the small guitar that Frank had bought him in his hands as he pretended to play it. Of course, it wasn't plugged into anything, so he made the guitar noises with his mouth, in perfect time to the real instrument on the CD. It was clear he had heard the song many times before even though Gerard had tried to keep him ignorant of their band until he was a teenager.

The second culprit, and no doubt the instigator as she had been in charge whilst Gerard and Lindsey were away, was Jess. There she was, jumping around on Lindsey's expensive lounge chair, hair brush in hand, screaming out the words to the song with almost as much heart as the Gerard inside the beating speakers was using.

"TURN IT DOWN!" Lindsey shouted at her kids as loudly as she could.

Jack gave her a little wave but carried on with his re-enactment of the song whilst Jess just shrugged her shoulders over dramatically as she pretended she hadn't heard what Lindsey had said.

Naturally, at Lindsey's annoyance, Frank just laughed even harder and he was quite surprised to see that Gerard was rather enjoying the whole scene as well. His arms were folded across his chest as he smiled and chuckled in appreciation at the show his son and Jess were displaying. Frank had never seen him look so proud of them.

Call it adrenalin, call it caught up in the moment, but something about the volume of the song and the energy in the kids seemed to hit a nerve in Frank and before he knew what he was doing, he had jumped amongst the chaos and was now standing on the lounge with Jess, screaming into her hair brush. She looked surprised at their air-bands new addition, but she shared the instrument willingly.

"FRANK! TURN IT DOWN!" Lindsey shouted again, making her way through the craziness so she could reach the sound system. Yet, apparently she didn't know how to use her CD played because she turned knobs and pressed buttons but nothing seemed to work.

Finally, right near the end guitar solo of the song, Lindsey found success and the room was suddenly flung into silence as the music stopped. All that was left was Jess and Frank's screaming and Jack's pathetic guitar noises until they to fell into silence.

"Aw, I was just getting into that," Frank whined, glad that Lindsey's good mood had evaporated and she was finally back to normal.

"Why'd you turn it down for mummy?" Jack joined in, picking himself up off the floor and dragging his guitar up with him.

"Because you shouldn't be listening to this," she snapped back, removing the CD and waving it around dramatically. "And you're not allowed to listen to music that loud. What if the police had been called?"

To any six year old, the word "police" still calls for a great deal of respect. That element of fear was evident in Jack's eyes as he stopped whining and sat himself down on the lounge as he pouted. It wasn't a very nice greeting from his Mum.

"Come on Linds, they were just trying to have a bit of fun," Gerard suddenly said, making himself known to the conversation.

Frank would have cheered and high-fived him, it was so out of nowhere, it felt like the beginnings of one of those parenting fights. Still, as everyone knows, those moments are more awkward then anything else, both parties believe they're right and will fight it out till the death. Eventually it just got embarrassing for both sides.

"I'm sure they've had enough fun whilst we've been gone, this place is a mess!" Lindsey snapped back, signaling the rather disheveled lounge room. "We don't have time to be running around cleaning up after them because they want to have some fun. We've got a wedding to plan, it's time to get serious!"

"I'm pretty sure we've all been serious for long enough," Gerard argued back. His smile had completely faded now, for some reason, Lindsey had struck a real nerve with what she had said. Frank was intrigued as Gerard continued to glare. "We all deserve to have a little bit of fun."

Perhaps he was referring to the fact that he had been too serious about life for too long lately or perhaps he just wanted to let Jack be happy, after all, the kid’s grandfather had just died. Either way, Frank couldn't help but look on and wonder just where this was coming from and how far it would go.

Yet, to Frank's great disappointment, Lindsey didn't fight back. It appeared she knew when to close her mouth when it came to Gerard a lot more then Frank gave her credit for. He wasn't going to witness the grand collapse of their relationship today.

"Come on Frank, I'll take you home," Gerard snapped as he grabbed the car keys from the coffee table and marched out of the room.

Jess had a cheeky sort of smile on her face as though she couldn't believe what her and Jack had done had just caused an argument. Jack still looked miserable at being told off as soon as his parents came home. Frank simply ruffled up his hair as a means of goodbye before following Gerard out to the car.

He jumped into the passenger seat and Gerard instantly started up the car and pulled out of the drive way a little over dramatically. There was silence as they drove, only broken by the scrapping of Frank's lip ring against his teeth. It was so comforting compared to the silence that he kept doing it.

"Would you stop that!" Gerard finally snapped causing Frank to smile a little unnecessarily. He had been hoping but not really expecting the reaction.

"What? Its better then listening to the sound of you fuming," Frank argued back, trying to stop his face from smiling but still finding the whole situation and the awkwardness rather amusing.

Gerard looked back to the road, gripped the steering wheel tighter and fell silent once again. But Frank wasn't going to have it this time. If stirring was the only thing that was going to get Gerard to talk then that was what he was going to do.

"You know, if that back there was a glimpse of things to come, then you should know, it probably wont work out," Frank teased, that hint of amusement still surrounding him. "Fingers crossed though hey."

Gerard bit down on his lip and shook his head, but he resisted the urge to snap back. This time Frank just sighed heavily as he realised that Gerard was going to hold up his little ignoring act for a lot longer then originally anticipated.

Somehow, Gerard got his way and they remained silent until they pulled up out the front of Frank's house and Gerard finally pulled up the handbrake. Frank knew he only had one more shot at this thing and he was going to bring it up anyway he could. Naturally, he tried for the childish approach of teasing deciding to stick with what he was best at.

"So?" he began, undoing his seat belt and turning his body slightly to face Gerard a little more. "You going to come up or what? I mean, you can cause I don't mind. Or we can do it right here ... we never did try it in a car."

Finally, he got a reaction out of Gerard as he too twisted himself around and stared at Frank incredulously.

"Look Frank, you know as well as I do that the other night ... it meant nothing! We were co-grieving. It was a slip, I'm sorry, but we're separated you know. I'm with Lindsey ... we're getting married for fucks sake! It shouldn't have happened, it was stupid," Gerard quickly explained, shaking his head as he spoke.

Frank just shook his head back at him. Gerard didn't get it, he didn't understand. It wasn't stupid.

"Look Gee ... it wasn't stupid," Frank said, the seriousness in his voice now making Gerard pay more attention to what he had to say. "Whatever the fuck happened, well, you did good man! When I left the funeral I just sat and I wrote. Lyrics, song titles, pointless little rhythms. I have songs Gerard ... good ones! I'm planning on showing them to Mikey straight away, slowly start to get back into the swing of things."

Gerard swallowed hard and stared at Frank with an intense gaze. It was hard to tell what he was thinking but Frank just kept his eyes locked with his, hoping he understood that this wasn't part of his joke, he wasn't messing around.

"You wrote songs?" Gerard asked, his voice slightly calmer now, his eyes now glowing with that passion and creativity that had dimmed as of late.

"I'm not saying we have to use them, after all, you were the heart and soul behind the lyrics, but ... well, it's a start isn't it?" Frank finished, suddenly not so sure of himself. Was Gerard pleased? He looked pleased, but why wasn't he jumping for joy? Why did he suddenly look as though he was going to run to that bottle of vodka again and drink until he forgot every word Frank had just said?

"F-Frank ... I can't do the whole band thing again ... not now. T-there's just too much going on," he explained hesitantly, that glow in his eyes fading until it disappeared all together.

Something in his tone was so final. It was as though he wouldn't even think it through, something had happened to crush him completely. He wasn't Gerard Way; singer, musician, artist ... he was Gerard Way; father, husband, retiree.

The look in his eyes was enough to stop Frank dead in his tracks. He knew not to push the matter, he knew that there was something Gerard wasn't telling him. Things had changed. Were they really all too different now to make it work? What if they had to do it without Gerard? What if Frank was wasting his time? What if they never got back together?

"I want you to at least read what I wrote. Tell me what you think, see if a beat or a melody of some kind pops into your head," Frank said, refusing to give up completely.

He pulled the scrunched pieces of paper out of his pocket and handed them over to Gerard. They were his only copy but he was willing to hand them over. If Gerard couldn't tour with them, couldn't play with them, then perhaps he could at least help them out, point them in the right direction and snap them into line. He was their leader after all.

Gerard took the sheets of paper with a heavy sigh and another shake of his head. But somehow he must have sensed how important it was to Frank that he looked them over because he didn't argue or hand them back.

"You're the genius," Frank said as a parting comment as he opened the door and stepped out of the car.

He grabbed his luggage and unlocked his front door as Gerard drove away. For the first time in a long time, he was glad to get away from Gerard. There was something so unsettlingly final about the way he spoke in the car that just seemed to crush whatever stand of hope Frank had been desperately holding onto lately.

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Gerard didn't go back home straight away. It had been a long while since he had driven anywhere and he missed the freedom of being able to go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He knew he should have been happy at the news Lindsey had told him whilst they were in New Jersey, but he wasn't.

How could he be when everything was spinning so far out of his control? He couldn't hold onto a single thought long enough to stop and realise that it actually was a good thing.

Gerard just couldn't get it right.

He felt so certain that, once the depression he felt at the loss of his father went away, he could truly get his life back on track. What he didn't anticipate was that other problems were going to come along to feed that depression.

A part of him wished he could blame Lindsey for the problem. After all, she was pushing him into a life he didn't want. Yes, he knew that he was to blame for their newest problem to, but why did she have to be in such a hurry to get married again? They were doing so well before the suggestion of marriage and now everything was just as binding and permanent as it always was.

Gerard still wasn't sure how he felt about permanent.

The passing of his father was a tragedy that hit him hard and unexpectedly. Yet, somehow, he knew he would be alright. He had had to deal with the reality that everyone he loved would die a long time ago. Since then, he had grown substantially in that department.

He still had his friends, he still had his brother, he still had Lindsey and his son and he still had his mother. Saying goodbye to his father was hard, remembering that he wasn't completely alone made him feel better.

When he had forced Lindsey to go ahead to New Jersey without him because he had to find Frank, he had felt slightly distant from her. She hadn't known his father very well, she was lucky enough to just be introduced to the family as Gerard's girl friend and be instantly loved.

Frank was different.

He knew every side of Don and they had met when he was in his late teens. They had a special connection despite their problems and for some reason Gerard found himself drawn and even a part of that connection the day that his dad passed. That was probably why he felt that strong pull towards Frank, how he unexplainably just knew where he would be.

If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he didn't regret sleeping with Frank. He needed it, Frank needed it and to his great surprise, it was nothing like he had expected. Gerard had willingly slept with him because he needed to be reminded of the past, what he got was the future.

Frank had changed.

He wasn't the same hyperactive, ignorant little ass-hole who ruled the bedroom like he used to be. He was now something different, something more and Gerard found himself confused and intrigued by the change. Still, he was grateful that Frank disappeared after the funeral, he needed the distance to sort himself out.

Then, Lindsey dropped the pile of bricks and Frank was pushed to the back of his mind, but sadly, not forgotten.

And, that was where the problem was. That was where all his problems were. Not with Lindsey. With Frank.

Frank was finally on track. Frank had finally grown-up. Frank had finally changed just enough for Gerard to notice and long to be apart of that change.

But Gerard couldn't have him anymore.

No matter how he spun this, he had a responsibility to his family. He couldn't just mess it all up again because it felt different this time. That wasn't how life worked. Still, his dad always told him he took life to seriously and that was his ultimate undoing. Why couldn't he learn from his fathers advise? Why did he always have to complicate things with his overdosage of feelings and emotions?

At the memory of his father and at the thought of Frank, Gerard's fingers began to twitch. He instantly felt thirsty and his body began to feel hot and clammy. The signs of his returning dependency with alcohol. He still recognised the symptoms; a part of him even welcomed them.

After all, if ever there was a time to drink his problems, confusion and thoughts of regret away, it was now.

This was it, the final moment. Gerard was officially fucked!

Backed into a corner and trapped.

A fear right up there with dying alone.

Instantly, Gerard knew he had to collect himself; he couldn't keep going like this, not now ... not again.

With a moments hesitation, almost reluctance, he breathed in as deeply as he could, gave himself a moment and finally chucked a U-turn the very second he legally could.

He knew it was time to go home. Even though he was positive he didn't really want to, the fact of the matter was, he had to. Jack was waiting for him. Lindsey was waiting for him. He had too much responsibility now; he couldn't just disappear until he felt he was ready anymore.

Somehow, he managed to calm his thoughts down just enough to stop the oncoming panic attack he knew he would have if he didn't get an alcoholic drink of some kind into his system soon. Cranking up the volume on his CD player and letting the sounds of 'The Cure' assault his ears and clear his mind seemed to be the only thing that he could do to clear his head.

Yet, even that didn't seem to work as his eyes momentarily wondered off the road and to the dirty, crumbled pieces of paper that lay on the passenger seat. The paper alone reminded Gerard of Frank. Disheveled, messy and cryptic. Yet, somehow he could understand every line, word and scribble.

He breathed in again. He had to. That panic was rising into his chest once more, threatening to attack his heart until it finally just gave up and abandoned its useless attempt at beating. Finally, he grabbed the sheets of paper in his fist and stuffed them into his pocket.

Gerard had no intention of reading them. He was positive that if he did, they would destroy what fragile grip he had left on his life.

He didn't want to read what Frank had written, he didn't want to hear the faint beginnings of a melody in his head, perhaps the same melody Frank himself had heard. Gerard didn't want the sheets of paper, pure and simple.

Gerard knew that if he so much as glanced at Frank’s hurried handwritten lyrics that he would want it all back too much. Not just the band, but Frank.

Those words were Franks heart, they were his soul. They were anything and everything to him. Gerard couldn't read them, he couldn't be that close to Frank again.

Gerard couldn't take the temptation anymore.

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AN: Soooooooooooooo sorry it took so long. It's christmas, it's new years, its finding a new job, its finding time with friends visiting, its cleaning up after those friends, its a whole range of other excuses. I got sick of all your emails and comments on ALL my other fics saying update this one and that one that did it. I'm back guys, updates will be progressively longer and full on once again, this is short ( I KNOW!!!!!! I'M TRULY SORRY) but its just to get back into it. Sorry once again.

Hey, least I'm back ... right? RIGHT???? Hope you still like this one, it's a transaction. Wanted to give you the morning after but leave you with suspense. Next chapter is terrible and I appologise, it had to be written. I have to edit my notes, then I write it ... soon.