FicWad

It hadn’t gone down quite like she’d thought it would. They were on the bed, and that was a start. Next to each other. But some things were missing. Or, rather, weren’t. She had all her clothes on, and so did he. And when he’d come in, and he’d sat down, he hadn’t kissed her, or unbuttoned her pants. He’d just…taken her hand. A little bit of a let down, and also, a little bit of a relief as well. Because, say it very quietly now, Egan was scared.

Only, like, a tiny bit though. It’s just, having sex with Gerard for the first time and all. Slightly daunting. But he hadn’t walked in and charged her like some wildebeest in the savannah who has to procreate for survival from those god awful lions. Not at all.

And now they were sitting on the edge of the bed holding hands and she wasn’t sure whether it was hers or his that was so damn sweaty, and maybe it was both. And he was rubbing his thumb on the back of her hand in a little circle like he was trying to calm her down, and it was a sweet gesture, but it was starting to not feel so good that he was rubbing the same spot over and over again. He was looking over at her and she was looking down, feeling like the complete idiot for not knowing what to do. Minutes before she’d been all sorts of coy and initiated things with that “You ready?”. What the hell had she been thinking? And what was Gerard thinking now? All talk, no follow through?

Yeah, that sounded a bit like him.

So she sat there for a second and, feeling about as unsexy as you can possibly feel, looked up from her lap where their intertwined hands were cradled and into his face and leaned in to press her mouth to his. Almost immediately she pulled back, and groaned internally This wasn’t their first kiss, godammit. Be aggressive! Letting go of his hand, she turned her entire torso and wound her arms around his neck, practically clutching her little body to his bigger one.

“Now we’re talkin’” Gerard mumbled and she giggled and it broke the awkwardness and the silence and she felt worlds better. And as she was giggling she was moving because Gerard was leaning back and she was going right along with him, wrapped as she was around his form. She twisted some more so she lay atop and slightly to one side of him and loosed one arm from around his neck to thread her fingers into his inky hair. Then she went back down and didn’t emerge for air again.

It started slow and warm, and perhaps a bit dry save for the chapstick coating her lips. But it was the sweet kind of kissing that assures you that someone is kissing you because they want to kiss you, not because they want to just kiss. But it wasn’t quite enough. She slid the tip of her tongue between her lips and traced the line between his, and he opened up, letting her run it across his top teeth. He tasted like coffee and she went deeper, pressing up and into him to push her lips and tongue more forcefully against his. She felt something, his arousal, against her thigh and had to tighten every muscle in her to stop a shiver. She allowed herself to be rolled onto her back and felt the most comfortable, warm weight pressing her down into the mattress. The nerves calmed as she absorbed whatever Gerard was giving off and soon she wanted more. The kissing continued, languorous and slow and hot and wet but soon it got to be enough and she felt obligated to start doing something. So she moved his hand to the inch of snow white skin that was showing between the gray t-shirt and black cotton pants she was wearing and up under the hem of her shirt. She left it there and reached back (Eyes closed, oh how skillful!) and grabbed the other hand, the one cupping her head, and slid it gently under her back and also up under the hem of her shirt. And slowly, slowly, she began to pull the back of his shirt up, hoping he’d do the same. And God bless him, he did.

With very little fuss she found her self shirt free and enjoying every minute of it. It became especially fun when she found herself relieved of a bra, the only thing covering her top half being a now shirtless and equally flawlessly pale Gerard. And then, oh God bless him, he found the sensitive spot of flesh just to the outside of her nipple, a little down from the shoulder and grazed the most wonderfully calloused fingertips over it and she began to feel a pulse beating at her neck, through her wrists and in between her legs. She squeezed her thighs together and felt a little surge of…the only way to describe it was good, jolt there and she squirmed under him in surprise and pleasure. She smiled when she felt him pull back a little and laugh into the kiss they had going.

“Excited?” he asked softly, leaning down next to her ear. She vibrated a sound low in her throat and squirmed again. He kissed her once more, feather light on her lips and then dove down, taking one nipple into his mouth. She felt it stiffen almost immediately, reacting to the heat of his mouth and the arousal between her legs. He circled the tip of his tongue around the bud and then washed the whole thing over it, then circled round the tip again. She reached down and moved his right hand to her left and under the top of the pants, below the edge of her underwear. She could feel his fingers on the tiny curls there, and she reminded herself this was exactly what she wanted. Then, she pushed her lower body up into his hand, forcing him to cup what was there. Looking down, she saw him gazing back from where he was working on her breast, a light of surprise in his eyes. She was being very forward for someone who was pure as untouched snow. Almost. But all she knew was that there was dynamite between her legs and Gerard had the spark.

He brought his left hand down to help his right in it’s task, raising up a little and supporting himself on his knees so as not to crush Egan. She felt the stretchy-soft cotton glide down her thighs and hook a little under her raised knees. His hands deposited them there and went back for the underwear, and she kicked both off after the panties had descended as well. Completely naked, she suddenly felt cold and tremors shook in her belly, though she ran her fingers through Gerard’s hair and smiled at him when he moved away. But when she heard a metallic crinkle and saw him tearing the foil of a condom wrapper she balked, tensing beneath him so hard she jerked. He noticed and turned to study her face.

“Nervous?” He finally asked and she shook her head, not meeting his eyes. He laid down his head next to hers.

“It’s okay if you are.” He mumbled against the skin of her neck.

“Not. Keep going.” She whispered, and he listened to her, taking the condom out of the wrapper and beginning to unbutton his pants. He rolled the thin latex over himself and her breathing hitched, and he laid over her again and she worked to make herself remember that this was not a forced act and she wanted him, maybe loved him. But he moved to her entrance and her back arched, involuntarily and not in a wanting way and Gerard knew, he just knew and he stopped damn him and she felt a welling pain in her eyes and nose. Like maybe she was crying. So she looked away. But she knew he was still studying her face, still trying to meet her eyes when she wouldn’t meet his.

“Egan?” It was a question, soft and careful when he said it that way.

“What happened to you little girl?” She shook her head, minutely, and prayed for strength to smile and just let it happen.

“Keep going.” She ordered.

But Gerard moved off of her and then he was just next to her and it wasn’t the same. Though she’d stopped him and not the other way around, that move felt like rejection. It confirmed things she already knew. Damaged goods. And when that thought entered her mind she felt the crack in the dam and a tear streaked burning over her cheek.

“I’m sorry.” She said in words like broken glass. “I’m not even…it’s nothing. I’m just…God.” Her eyelids fluttered closed. “I’m scared.” Gerard nodded.

“Just scared?” Egan turned to him with hurt painted across her face and he backtracked as quickly as he could. “I meant, you’re scared, and that’s all?” But that sounded bad too. “I’m not meaning to belittle your fear or anything it’s just…is that the only thing holding you back? Not something else like…I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m thinking.” But he did know, and he was pretty sure it was because she hadn’t been lying this whole time. She wasn’t just being Egan when she said the hurting things she did. Because she really didn’t want him. Not like that.

Egan had turned her face away again when she replied.

“Just fear.”

“Just fear.” He repeated. “And that’s it?” She sighed, long and deep.

“Can you just let that be it for right now?”

“Yeah. Yeah—no, that’s fine.”

“Thank you,” she whispered fervently into the comforter. There was a small cold place next to her eyes where overflow tears had melted into the fabric and cooled. She felt mad as hell that she’d even cried at all, and embarrassed, and stupid because she’d led him on and then cut out at the last second. And she felt small. So small. She had already decided to forego any sort of goodnight in order to escape to her room where she could hide in the dark and close her eyes and maybe feel not like the way she felt now. Sitting up, Egan moved to gather her clothes so she could get the hell out of Dodge. Her top hadn’t even slid all the way down her stomach before she had stood and was halfway out the door, murmuring sorry’s all the way.

“You can stay.” She stopped.

“You don’t have to do anything,” Gerard hurried, pressing his advantage while he still had her. “I …would like it if you stayed.” If she said yes…

But she shook her head and turned away and he knew that when she’d stopped, it was because she didn’t want him. His heart hit the floor and somehow kept falling. Her hand met the doorknob and she said “I’m sorry” like she had before.

"Don't be." he murmured to a closed door.

~*~

Tip-toeing down the stairs, she gripped the railing to keep from tumbling to the landing, just like she had not so very long ago. The soles of her feet made soft swishes across the floor of the kitchen when she went through. Then through a door, down the last set of stairs and she was safe in the dark room she’d chosen just to be mean. Silently she crawled into bed.

As she lay wide-eyed, it struck her fully that she slept in a bed meant for Gerard someone else. Not for her. The thought crossed her mind that there might not be a place for her here after all, though she had been so sure just hours earlier that she might have finally found somewhere and more importantly, someone that fit. But surely she’d made it obvious to him that she didn’t fit, after everything in the bedroom. The way she’d acted, God! He knew she had baggage, but now he was probably thinking she was too much for him to deal with. She’d cried. Damn it. Damn it.

Damn it! Godammit! She kicked back the covers and swung her legs over the side of the bed, burying her fingers in her hair and pulling. She was crazy. What was the matter with her? Gerard didn’t want to hurt her, so why couldn’t she just deal with her fucking life and let things be and—and be a goddamn grown up? She was going to lose him, all because of some freak out. She couldn’t lose him. The thought made her want to scream. She wanted him. She wanted him.

She wanted him.

And then she finally, finally got it.

She loved him. She wanted him, and she loved him. Like he said he loved her. And he was never going to understand what the hell was happening with her if she didn’t tell him.

This time on the stairs, there was no tip-toeing—she pounded them. She didn’t bother with knocking either when she came to his door, she just opened it and walked in. He was still up, and jumped when his door banged open. Egan strode toward him and stood in front of him, pale and looking scared as all hell, but when she spoke, she didn’t sound it.

“I have not told you everything about my life. There are things you wouldn’t want to hear, and things I don’t want to say just yet. But I may tell you, someday. Until then, please just believe I don’t want to hurt you when I am the way I am. I fuckin’ love you Gerard. I’m batshit crazy, but I think you knew that going in. So please, please, please just remember that I’m not completely okay when I’m mean or when I can’t be who I’d like to. And please don’t give up on me. You said you love me, and now you know I do too. For real. Believe me when I say it.”

Gerard looked at her. Just looked at her. Not like he was studying her or watching her. Just looked at her.

“Oh. Okay,” he said softly after regaining speech. “I believe you.”

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

“Um, sure. Yeah.” Fuck yeah!

“I have to get my pajamas first.” Gerard felt like his smile was going to crack his face in half.



Author's Note: So...New chapter. Some stuff happening. I know I'm a sporadic and fickle write and poster at best. All I can do is say sorry, and hope a new chapter that has a pretty good length (for me) will maybe make up for a little of it.

Okay, so, that's it. I love you all. If anyone wants to give me rating points of review, that's be great. But also, I'd love it if people just told me a little about themselves and their lives. It would make me very happy :] And I already said I loved y'all, but it's true, so I'll repeat myself. Love y'all.