FicWad

 Heres the next chapter. Sorry if I don't seem very into it, I'm kind of wandering around in my head right now. My insides got all jumbled up recently. : ( So, just trying to sort stuff out. Hope it doesn't get in the way. Review and rate please. Thank you.

Love




Finch




























  On Friday I went to camp feeling pretty good. Gerard and I had talked a little the night before and we're were becoming even closer than before. We both talked about music, and I told him about a song that reminded me of him. When he asked why I told him that I didn't know. All I knew was that both he and the song made me sad. My heart fluttered when he told me that he wanted to make me happy, that he wanted to be something I could smile about when I was sad. But we weren't together, and might never be. I still dreamt of being his in reality, in stead of some kind of secret. But I knew that it couldn't happen. Gerard loved his job, even if he was annoyed by the kids sometimes. He was good with younger kids and he knew how to keep them occupied. And not only was he good with kids, but he was a cool guy. He knew how to make me laugh all the time, and he always found a way to cheer me up when I felt like shit(well... sometimes). Conner and Gerard were becoming better friends too. Everything was working out fine for a while.

 So back to Friday. I got there about an hour late. When I walked in I had to go to the front desk to check in and was informed that my camp walked to the park. Since I was by myself I was supposed to be hanging out in the younger kids room, where Gerard was. Although I wanted to see Gerard, I was more in the mood to take a nap, so I ignored the orders to stay with a leader and went into the room where my camp was. Not only was this doubled as the game room but it also had two other small rooms inside of it. One of them was the break room for the leaders and the other was a little storage room that they had changed into a "snack shack"(so they called it).

 I walked in a looked around for a minute, just staring around at the empty quietness. It was nice actually. I set my backpack and coffee down by the couch and flopped down. At first I was just sitting, but then I realized that my head was pounding. I covered my eyes with my palms and took a deep breathe. After a few seconds I found myself scrounging around in my backpack for some pain killers or sleeping pills or something. Sadly, all I found were a few headache tablets. My mouth gladly accepted them and I laid down on the couch, hoping that the throbbing would go away.

 So I laid there in the silence, with nothing to do but wait and swim around in my own thoughts. For some reason all the space to think made me nauseous. I sat up quickly as the pain in my head increased and downed half of my coffee, hoping the pain would just go away. The medicine was supposed to help but all I could feel was numb pain now. The pain was there, but it was so dull and I was so sick of the feeling. I stood up and decided I needed to walk tot he bathroom. I stumbled down the hall and into the bathroom, thanking god that there was no one wandering around out there to cross paths with.

 Hoping I could throw up the coffee and the pills I bent over the toilet, but to no avail. I simply gagged and spat up some thick spit, feeling grotesque afterwards. It was only then that I began feeling hungry for the first time in a few months. I was used to not eating breakfast or lunch so it was weird to me that I was actually hungry. I ran a hand through my bangs, trying to cool off my forehead in hopes that it would make me feel better. But, again, nothing helped. I decided it was best to go back to the room before my camp got back and wondered where I was. Before leaving I splashed my face with some cold water, a last attempt to make myself feel better.

 I opened the door in the room and stood for another moment. I was staring off into space but I could hear quiet music. It was nonsensical. Without really thinking I turned to look at the couch I had been laying on previously. I jumped a bit when I saw Gerard staring up at me with wide eyes, a keyboard in his lap, his pretty fingers rested lazily on top of it. My lips smiled despite my objections. I wasn't feeling up to smiling.

 "Oh, hi Frankie. I didn't know you were here today." Gerard told me, still not continuing his keyboard playing.

 "I uh, got here a while ago. I was just walking around." I told him, hoping he would take that as an excuse if he noticed my back.

 "Well, good morning." He said smiling and looking back down to fiddle with the keyboard a bit more.

I had no idea why we had so many random things here. It rarely made sense at my camp, but that's what made it so fun. I loved going to summer camp for some reason. It really forced me to grow up. I then found myself sitting next to Gerard on the couch, beginning to nod off. Gerard noticed that I was a bit out of it.

 "Sleepy?" He asked. 

I nodded and laid down half way, my legs curled up and my head resting in the arm of the couch. So instead of letting me sleep Gerard decided to start playing with all the different settings on the keyboard. You know, all the different sounds it could make. That really amused him. At the moment I knew that I should probably not have been sleeping, after all, when do I get to spend time with Gerard at camp? He's always working and running around and taking care of all the kids, making sure they had things to do. But for some reason I felt really horrible that day. I couldn't stand being awake any longer. I decided upon shutting my eyes and hoping Gerard would understand.

 After a few minutes he stopped playing the keyboard, my ears heard the gentle clicks as he slowly set it down, as not to wake me. Before leaving the room he stood there for a moment, staring at me I assume. I wouldn't really know since the only sense I could use at the moment was sound. Other than that, I could just feel his presence. It wasn't ominous, it was kind and soft, like he was floating as I slept. After another moment or so he walked out of the room, shutting the door gently. I rolled onto my back, the couch squeaking underneath me as I shifted. My hands clutched the sides of my head, trying to suppress my headache still. Eventually I was able to fall asleep.

 I woke up to Antoinette shaking me,

 "Frank, wake up. We're back." She was surprisingly friendly about me sleeping.

I thought that she would be mad that I was sleeping alone in the game room. But then again, she knew I was old enough to be alone for a while.

 "What time is it?" I asked, rubbing my head.

 "Lunch time, everyone's heading to the hill." She told me grabbing her lunch from her backpack.

I looked at he clock. It really was lunch time. I must have been out for a few good hours. I stared at her for a second, a confused look on my face.

 "No one woke me up?"

She stared back at me before opening the door to leave,

 "You didn't look like you were feeling well, so we decided to let you sleep" She told me, leaving before I could reply.

I grabbed my lunch of a banana and a bottle of water from my backpack. Not much, but then again, I really didn't eat much. Before I knew it I heard my sneakers squeaking against the tiled floor of the hall as I made my way outside. As i approached the hill I waved to Conner and everyone else, some people shouted hi and Conner flailed his arm in a wave back. A smile played on my lips as I jogged over to him. We sat down and ate lunch, a soft wind blowing through the tall trees around us. We watched the kids play on the scorching playground as we ate, remembering when life was so simple.

 As we contemplated our lives as teenagers Gerard came into the view in the distance. I smiled to myself and Conner followed my gaze. He stared at me with a knowing smirk, but said nothing. My eyes squinted as they strained to watch him make his way up the hill. As he passed by Conner and I he flicked me a smile. For some reason I took his glance as 'I'm glad you're awake' but maybe that's what he meant by it. He talked to Antoinette for a minute and told her that he was heading to 7 eleven to get some lunch. This meant he wouldn't be eating lunch with us. I was kind of sad, but then again, he brought a lot of tension when he was around. It was a good and bad situation.

 That day we all went outside about two or so hours before the week ended. Conner and I hung out with everyone and listened to his iPod, resuming our summer routine. Gerard walked out of the building about an hour before I left, four or five little girls all running around his feet or clinging to him. He just smiled and walked over to a bench to sit(all of the little girls piling onto the bench as well). Conner and I walked over, both of us smiling at all of the girls with their crushes, but then again, I couldn't blame them. He was pretty hot stuff.

 "Are these all your girlfriends?" Conner teased Gerard.

Before Gerard had the chance to answer one of the little girls clinging to his arms squealed.

 "No! I'm not his girlfriend!" She seemed utterly offended by Conner's suggestion.

Gerard just laughed as the little girls chattered amongst themselves.

 "You're quite the ladies man aren't you?" I asked, winking at him.

He smiled and ruffled some little girls hair,

 "Quite." He told me, winking back.

Conner shook his head at our not-so-subtle winking. One of the little girls took off to go find something else to do so I plopped down in her spot before any of the other devil children could take it. One by one the kids piled off and eventually it was only Gerard, Conner and I. For some reason Conner had Miley Cyrus on his iPod(he blamed his sister, but we all knew). Gerard plugged it into his ears and started mouthing the words and singing dramatically, but silently. I laughed at him for a minute.

 "Why do you know the words to this song?" I asked, nudging him.

He stopped singing but rocked his head back and forth like he was dancing to the music in his head.

 "I have to put up with a bunch of little kids all day, this is always what they tell me to put on. I can't deny them their DSL." He told us, acting like it was obvious.

 Conner and I both raised an eyebrow. He scoffed and unplugged the headphone from his ear. His finger motioned me in closer and he whispered quietly in my ear what DSL stood for. Dick Sucking Lips. I laughed at him and asked why he called her DSL.

 "Well, have you ever looked at her lips?!" He shouted, being over dramatic.

 "No, I'm sorry, I try to avert my eyes from her face whenever possible." Conner told him, rolling his eyes.

Gerard laughed a little bit. I pulled out my phone, deciding I needed to change his name in my phone. I typed in "DSL" where Gerard had been so whenever I got a text that's what it displayed. A giggle escaped my mouth as I flipped my phone back open and showed Gerard.

 "It's so people wont know it you texting me if they read my messages." I told him, smiling devilishly(but proudly, none the less).

He laughed a little.

 "That's a good idea Frankie. You know how to keep secrets." He told me, giving me a suggestive look.

Conner put his head in his hands.

 "Could you guys get any more campy?" He asked, furrowing his brow.

I elbowed him softly and enjoyed the rest of my day with Gerard and him.




 For a week I wasn't at camp. Gerard wasn't texting me or messaging me or calling or anything. I was beginning to think that he was ignoring me. On the Saturday after camp he changed his display picture on myspace to him and some pretty blond girl watching a movie and holding hands. By that time I was freaking out, but then when he wasn't talking to me I could have died. I tried to keep the thoughts out of my head, but they always came back anytime I let my mind wander. Thank god I could talk to Conner about it. He spent most of the week at my house, helping me paint my room and hanging out with my dad and I. Conner knew how to keep my mind off things.

 That was one of the times that I really appreciated having Conner around. Needless to say, after spending almost two whole weeks with him it was time for him to go home. I just couldn't handle so much time with him. On Thursday Conner left me by myself to take pills and drink some vodka(although those weren't his intentions). I was beginning to hate myself with a passion again. For a few days I buried myself back into pain killers and alcohol, though I knew I shouldn't have. Summer camp really was keeping me off of meds and drinking, just like the experts said. But, it wasn't for the reasons they thought. 

 On Sunday evening I was packing to go to camp the next day when I got a text message. I opened my phone lazily and the name "DSL" came across the screen. I nearly had a heart attack. At first a million thoughts raced through my head, how much I wanted to tell him that he was a fucking lying fuck ass and that I was never going to talk to him again. Then only one thought. What did he have to say? After debating with myself a little I opened the text.

 "sorry i havent been talking. i was in the hospital."

My heart jumped as I read it. What the fuck was he doing in the hospital?! I typed frantically.

 "What?! What happened Gee?! Are you okay?! Are you going to be at camp?!" I asked too many questions.

I was a needy fucking puppy. At that moment I forgot all about the picture of him and the other girl and only cared about his well being. I was finally just being a friend for a minute. He texted back a few minutes later(while I almost pulled my hair out).

 "i OD on pain killers. its okay im just sleepy so ill be there tomorrow."

At that moment I realized how stupid I was. I realized from the outside just what it felt like when someone you loved took pills. What was going on in his fucking head?! I was angry and sad and curious all at the same time.

 "What? What the hell Gerard? Why did you take so many?" I couldn't say much more than that to him.

 "because of my crash two months ago. i have spine pains and they give me pain killers. it was an accident i swear."

 "Promise?"

 "i promise Frankie."

At that moment I realized how much that promise meant to me. What about my promise to him? Did that mean anything? I felt like a giant hypocrite and I wasn't denying it. That was when I really decided to stop, even if it would be slowly. I needed to stop. It was risking my life just because I'm a selfish prick. After that I didn't really feel like talking. So I didn't text him. The thought of him and that other girl came back to my head. How I wish that I had never seen the picture and just went on merry way believing that we were in love. But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie to myself anymore, it only caused pain.

 So Monday came eventually, despite my not wanting it to. Like the mornings usually went now, I made my way into the room that Gerard worked in. He was standing in his normal spot, over in the corner, leaned on the counter, his iPod plugged into the stereo. I walked in and ignored his gaze. I knew that if I looked up I would catch his beautiful honey eyes and absorb his convincing smile. But I didn't want to. To be honest, I was angry. Angry that he made me think that I was so important to him when he probably did the same with everyone else he happened across that he had some kind of thing for. The idea was drilled into my head.

 Just as I had taken a seat on the couch I got an incredible head ache. I stretched my body lazily across the couch, covering my eyes with my forearm. At the moment I felt like crying, but I was too exhausted. I had stayed up till the early hours, trying to get to sleep but failing miserably. Gerard must have noticed because he walked over and sat down on the couches a few feet away from me, acting oblivious. After a few seconds of awkward tension between us I kind of thrashed around as I sat up, a usual action when I was in a bad mood.

 I glanced at Gerard as quickly as I could a muttered to him that I was going to the bathroom, hoping to god he wouldn't follow me. People had a thing for confronting me in the hallway. Like the year before when Matt cornered me and wouldn't let me go until I talked to him, but I ended up biting his arm and running away instead. My feet scuffled as quickly as they, could without running, into the bathroom. I slammed the stall door and made sure that no one was in the bathroom. I pulled my jacket sleeve over the heel of my palm and pressed it into my eye, trying to keep the tears in.

 A few sniffles escaped my body as a tear streamed down my face. I really had no idea that I was going to cry. I really thought I wouldn't. But things change when you're actually thrown into a tension-fest with the man whore you thought you were in love with. Now you might be asking yourself 'Isn't Frank overreacting a bit?' and the answer is; yes, most likely. But I'd like to see you live my situation and not feel incredibly emotional like I was at the very moment. After subsiding my tears and sniffles(and making sure I didn't look like I had been crying like a little bitch) I walked out into the hallway. Thankfully there was no Gerard. All of a sudden the door to the room opened, and of course, out stepped Gerard. Being so inconvenient, like I was beginning to find him.

 I was about halfway down the hall when he stopped me.

 "Frankie are you alright?" He asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I found myself giving him a short glare.

 "Yeah. I'm fine." I told him turning away and walking back to the room.

 "Are you sure?" He asked.

Instead of answering I continued on and went back into the room, shutting the door loudly.

 Once I was inside I got a weird glance from Conner, he must've gotten there when I was in the bathroom. I sat down next to him, both of us silent for a moment.

 "I know you're bummed man, but... shit happens." He told me, putting a hand on my shoulder just like Gerard had done.

I rolled my eyes at his cheesy attempt at getting me to feel better about things.

 "Shit does happen. But it's always to me for some reason." I told him as I stared at the ground.
















Sorry, uneventful chapter. I know you were probably expecting more from me and everything, and so was I. But I guess I underestimated the little details that I needed to put in. ;-; Sorry it's been so long for an update kids, I've just been really busy and blah blah blah. Oh, and if you want to, you can check out my blogspot, the URL is: http://standardshelby.blogspot.com/

 Thanks babes. Please please please review and rate!




-Finch