Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

The Anti-Drug Episode

by Gai 0 reviews

Drugs are bad!

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Published: 2009-02-17 - Updated: 2009-02-17 - 1684 words

(Jin is studying for a school test in his room when Hwoarang and Forest enter unnanounced)

Hwoarang: Hey look, it's Mr. Studyer! You studying for something, Mr. Study Buddy? Heh, that rhymed.

Jin: What are you guys doing in my house?!

Forest: Man, I'm so high right now!

Jin: Both of you guys, get out!

Hwoarang: Why should we, this is my room!

Forest: I think that weed must've had something in it, man!

Jin: What's wrong with you two, why are you both acting so strange?

Hwoarang: Why are YOU acting so strange, dude? Hah hah, I got you!

Jin: "Dude"? Have you guys been doing drugs?!

Hwoarang: No, I'm just stoned! Hah hah!

Forest: And I've just been doing drugs!

Jin: My mom said doing drugs is NOT COOL!

Hwoarang: Says who?

Jin: ...

Forest: What's wrong with drugs, Hwoarang?

Hwoarang: No. Him, man.

Forest: Oh, right. (turns to Jin) What's wrong with drugs, Hwoarang?

Hwoarang: Hah hah, you're so high, man!

Forest: I know, Jin!

Hwoarang: No, he's Jin!

Forest: ...then who am I?

Hwoarang: Hah hah, you're so high, man!

Forest: I know, Jin!

Jin: Guys, my mom said a guy did marijuana one time, and he got sick and died!

Forest: Shit, you serious? I didn't know that!

Jin: And I saw a commercial where a baby drowned because the parents were high!

Hwoarang: That's because babies can't swim, STUPID!

Jin: Where did you guys get that stuff anyway?

Forest: Oh man, Paul's got so much wee-...I mean, Paul has nothing to do with this.

Hwoarang: Forget him, dude, he's a loser! It's like my parents said, drugs are for winners! I think.

Forest: Yeah, let's go watch a Martin Lawrence movie!

Hwoarang: Those are funny when you're high!

(Forest and Hwoarang leave)

Jin: I gotta tell mommy!!

(Jin looks around)

Jin: I mean, perhaps I should inform mother of this.

(Jin goes to talk to Jun and Kazuya in the living room)

Jin: Mom, Dad, did you see Hwoarang and Forest?

Kazuya: Who?

Jin: The two guys on drugs who came in here unannounced.

Kazuya: We live in the meth capital of the world, do you expect me to keep track of every junkie who passes through here?

Jin: Dad, they were doing marijuana!

Kazuya: WHAT?

Jun: Drug addicts have come to corrupt my poor baby!! (runs out of the room screaming)

Kazuya: You listen to me, boy, you stay the hell away from those two, that stuff's the tool of the devil!

Jin: Didn't you sell your soul to the devil?

Kazuya: Don't you try to get all judgemental on me! You just do what I say, you hear me?! Those potheads are nothing but trouble, like that vile son of a bitch who was caught doing that crap after winning the U.S. eight gold medals in the olympics, god bless that American hero! (walks away proudly)

Jin: ...Huh?

(later in the day)

Jin: (researching online how to get Hwoarang & Forest off drugs, because he has no life of his own) Wow, I can't believe how many other people there are dedicated to fighting this horrible menace. Huh...this looks interesting...I guess there's an anti-marijuana protest club in town. And their next meeting's tonight!

(later at the People Enforcing Drug Opposition headquarters, which is really just the apartment of the club president)

Dragunov: Thank you for coming, everyone, I'm quite pleased by the large turnout we have tonight.

(Dragunov looks at the entire crowd, consisting of Jin and Bob)

Jin: Bob, you're against marijuana usage too?

Bob: Huh? No, I just came here because of the free lunch.

Dragunov: Now I have a special agenda for us today...

(Bob lights up a joint)

Dragunov: we're...

Bob: (stoned)

Dragunov: we're going to...

Bob: (stoned)

Dragunov: Excuse me...there's...there's no smoking in here...

Bob: ..... (leaves)

Dragunov: I was saying, today we're going to be doing something a little different, as I have an announcement to make. Today, I have discovered a way to...KILL MARIJUANA ONCE AND FOR ALL!

(Dragunov pauses for a moment for the sake of dramatic effect)

Dragunov: Would anyone like to hear more?

Jin: ...

Dragunov: ...anyone?

Jin: How does it work?

Dragunov: Good question, over there. I, with the help of the good doctor Abel, have developed a gaseous chemical that causes the marijuana plant, as we know it, to deteriorate and expire.

Jin: How will this be utilized to eliminate marijuana usage?

Dragunov: Excuse me, please raise your hand if you have a question.

Jin: ... (raises hand)

Dragunov: You there in the front.

Jin: How will this be utilized to eliminate marijuana usage?

Dragunov: Well, as I said, it is a gaseous chemical, as such we will be able to release it into the major cities of the world, and allow it to naturally spread through wind, with almost no serious effects on the people who inhale it.

Jin: Wow...then we can finally stop pot smoking for good! I can't help but think of all the things people would begin doing with their lives after giving up that terrible practice, like winning nine gold medals! Finally they'll get a second chance!

Dragunov: A second chance? There will be no second chance for those bastards!

Jin: ...what?

Dragunov: You really think they deserve to live after what they've done? Marijuana is illegal! And it causes people to waste their own time! There is no mercy one deserves for committing such atrocities!

Jin: What are you saying?

Dragunov: I won't allow those vile potheads to be eased back into a clean life, I want them to feel the full gravity of what they've done with their lives! And what better time than when they're watching television in the middle of the night while eating cheap, low grade processed snack food?

Jin: No!

Dragunov: Oh, but it gets better. Tonight is Adult Swim's 25 hour lineup.

Jin: 25 hours...?

Dragunov: It's Adult Swim. What do you expect, a mastery of basic math?

Jin: Then, if they're watching that...

Dragunov: Yes, high as kites. Then, right in the middle of Assy Mcgee, the last of their stash begins to run out...

Jin: You don't mean...

Dragunov: Hah hah. I very much do. And right as they're watching a show about a detective who's a talking ass. 15,000 viewers, suddenly out of pot. What do you think is going to happen next?

(camera dramatically zooms in on Jin's face)

Jin: MY GOD.

(elsewhere, Hwoarang & Forest are watching television)

Forest: Hah hah, Minori-Team is awesome!

Hwoarang: Yeah, man! Asians are so - ing funny!

(elsewhere, back at where we first were)

Jin: Stop, you can't do this!

Dragunov: It's too late, this is what they get for doing something that affected me personally in no way!

(Dragunov pulls a large lever standing in the middle of the room that somehow went unnoticed)

Jin: NOOOOO!!!!!!

(Dragunov spontaneously explodes into a large cloud of gas)

(at Hwoarang & Forest's apartment)

Forest: Hey, I was wondering. Who do you think was responsible for the last King of Iron Fist tournament?

Hwoarang: ...I don't know, man. I know that old dude Heihatchet was sponsoring most of them.

Forest: But didn't he die after the forth one?

Hwoarang: Oh yeah, I think I heard that.

Forest: ...maybe...maybe it was a relative of his, like his father or something?

Hwoarang: That old man's old man? You're high, dude.

Forest: Yeah, I know.

(green smoke begins coming in through the window)

Forest: Dude, what the hell is that?

Hwoarang: It smells nasty! Close the window!

Forest: Okay.

(Forest doesn't get up)

Hwoarang: Get the window, man!

Forest: You do it.

Hwoarang: doesn't smell that bad.

(Jin is running down the street hysterically)

Jin: Help, what do I do, somebody stop it!

(Jin runs into Wang)

Jin: Get out of the way! (punches Wang)

(Jin runs past Boskonovitch)

Boskonovitch: Where are you going?

Jin: I don't know, I'm freaking out!

Boskonovitch: Oh, are you tripping too?

Jin: No, I'm not high, this is an emerg...wait, you're high?

Boskonovitch: Of course, where else do you think I'd come up with the idea of a boxing dinosaur?

Jin: But that's impossible! Dr. Abel's created a chemical that's destroyed all the world's marijuana supply!

Boskonovitch: He did, eh? Well, my supply seems just fine.

Jin: Huh?

Boskonovitch: I created it in my lab. (pulls out some of his synthetic weed) This is some powerful shit. I call it super weed.

Jin: Then, it's somehow not affected by Abel's chemical?

Boskonovitch: (takes a puff) Seems fine to me.

Jin: You have to help me! If everyone's supply runs out now, it's going to be a massive series of suicides!

Boskonovitch: My god! That's terrible! We have to do something!

Jin: I know, that's what I was thinking!

Boskonovitch: Come now boy we'll take my mecha sleigh, and soon we'll be on our merry way!

(Boskonovitch & Jin blast off into the sky)

(at Hwoarang & Forest's place)

Hwoarang: I'm starting to feel...not high...pass more weed, man.

Forest: (searches) ...There's none left! We're out of pot!

Hwoarang: Aw man, we're gonna have to get some more from Paul tomor... (notices the show on television) ...dude...what are we watching?

Forest: Is that...a talking ass?

Hwoarang: Oh my god...what are we doing with our lives?

Forest: I don't want to live! I don't want to live!

Hwoarang: Wha...what's that noise outside?

(Hwoarang opens the window and looks outside)

Boskonovitch: (throwing his super weed to the people below) Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Jin: It's February.

Boskonovitch: I know that. (looks around) Where am I?

Forest: We're saved!

Hwoarang: Thank you, god! You do approve!

(a few minutes later)

Hwoarang: (high) Ah, man. Anime is on.

Forest: (high) AniGAY!

Hwoarang: Hah hah!

(Hwoarang and Forest watch for a few seconds)

Hwoarang: That chick's pretty hot.

Forest: That's a dude.

Hwoarang: Shut the hell up, that ain't a dude!

Forest: It's got a man's voice, that's a dude.

Hwoarang:, - this shit! (turns channel)

(End of Chapter 28)
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