Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

How Kazuya Saved Christmas

by Gai 0 reviews

Christmas special. Still worth reading when it's not Christmas. Assuming it was worth reading to begin with.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Published: 2008-03-27 - Updated: 2008-03-27 - 1253 words

The 'How Kazuya Saved Christmas' special!

(one Christmas eve night Jin & Jun decorated the tree,
while Kazuya came back after taking a...that's just crude humor)

Kazuya: How I hate this foul Christmas (he said with the zip of a fly)
before I celebrate one more I will surely die!

Remember you, Jun, how I loathed Halloween?
Well 'tis Christmas to which I am even more mean!

Jun: Kazuya, why does Christmas make you irate?
Kazuya: For it is a time thus deserving of hate!

The corporate industries control with their greed,
making us spend all our cash 'til we bleed!

Jun: But Kazuya, Christmas is a time of cheer,
and that's why our family feels such love every year!

(as they were talking some carolers came)
(but Kazuya treated all visitors the same)

(with the press of a button Tekken force soldiers came out,
and all the intruders were beaten about)

(witnessing thus Kazuya smiled with glee)
Kazuya: Seeing this sight is my own gift to me!

(but that smile did fade at the knock of his door)
Kazuya: Surely it only can be that manwhore!

(so he opened the door to see it was Lee)
Lee: Good news, Kazuya, it's none other than me!

I have to say, I've got wonderful luck,
it's nearly impossible to find girls I can't-

Kazuya: Enough with the damn rhyming!

Lee: ....okay.

Kazuya: And what the hell's with that outfit? Your pants is usually a lot tighter.

Lee: This? I'm working as one of those Santas at the mall.

Kazuya: Huh? I knew it was hard for someone like you to find work, but...

Lee: You don't see the beauty of it, having to do nothing all day but let girls sit on my lap...

Kazuya: ....your taste in women is starting to get a little TOO young, don't you think?

Lee: I'm not talking about kids! Do you have any idea how many 18 year-old girls like to sit on Santa's lap?

Kazuya: Really? You know, I've been thinking about getting a second job...

Jun: Kazuya!

Kazuya: For the money! So I can buy more presents for you two! Because I lo....l....lo.....LIKE my family so much.

(considers what he just said)

Kazuya: Oh god....(rushes to the bathroom to vomit)

Lee: So Jin, how's my future ladie's man doing?

Jin: Hi, Uncle Lee.

Lee: Hey, I got you a little present... (pulls something out of his pocket) Just a little of this, and no girl will be able to resist you.

Jin: How does it work?

Lee: just..... (starts whispering to Jin) .....a little dose.....keep them busy......and that's all there is to it.

Jin: that stuff even legal?

Lee: It is where I got it.

Jin: Uh, thanks...

Lee: And Jun, don't think I forgot about one of the most beautiful women I know!

Jun: Lee, you didn't have to get me something!

Lee: Of course I did, what sort of gentleman would I be if I didn't? (pulls a key out) Here, I rented a two-person (and one-bed) hotel suite.

Jun: Oh, you rented a room for me to stay in with Kazuya? That's wonderful!

Lee: Uh...actually, I already rented the room for myself....and a friend...

Kazuya: Lee...

Lee: .........heh.......hey, Kazuya...

Kazuya: ...

Lee: ... (hands Kazuya the other key)

Kazuya: get out.

Lee: ...yeah, I'd better-

Kazuya: Now.

Lee: Yeah, I'm, uh...I'm going... (leaves)

(door knocks)

(Kazuya opens the door)

Lee: On second thought, if Jin's not gonna use that-

(Kazuya slams the door shut)

Kazuya: I've had enough and all I can take,
of all the damned holidays that they could make!

Announcer: He was in a most terrible mood as his family did find
until the most foul of ideas crossed his detestable mind.

It was a most horrid vision in which he did see
and it showed on his face in the utmost of glee

Kazuya: Perhaps I should not complain about this most sickening day,
but instead I'll do something and take it away!

Imagine their faces the following morning,
how soon it shall turn into unspeakable mourning (yeah, I rhymed 'morning' with 'mourning. It's my story.)

Oh to think, when they awake what a sight they shall see,
not a present at all, to be found 'neath the tree!

They shall not find them in a house,
they shall not find them with a mouse!
They shall not find them in a box,
they shall not find them with a fox!
They shall not find them here or there,
they shall not find them anywhere!

Jin:, are you alright?

Kazuya: I'm talking, my son, of that which I planned
to seek your assistance in lending a hand!

For I shall not go out while you rot here and stay
but rather we'll both ruin this damn Christmas day!

Now put on these antlers, you can be my reindeer
and out we shall, something, something, and a word that rhymes with deer!

Announcer: He grabbed his now horned son to enact this cruel scheme
and thus they began a most inept Christmas theme.

The two went about, ignored in each house
in the home of the Changs, they were thought but a mouse.

They stole from the Laws, they stole from dear Paul,
they stole from a Jack that stood 8 feet tall.

Not a home was there from which they'd not take,
including the Mishimas (Kazuya: Oh drat, my mistake!)

And when they were done the pair did return
to seek some long rest that they felt they did earn.

Kazuya: Now, this was truly the most heartless of cases
I can't wait to see all the looks on their faces!

Announcer: But Kazuya could never have foreseen what came next
too glorious a thing to describe in this text.

The sight that did greet him was not in line with his ploy
but rather a Christmas of absolute joy.

There was Craig Marduk conversing with King
and nearby Wang Jinrey was beginning to sing.

Phoenix was sparring with his friend Forest Law
while Nina was punching her sister in the jaw.

Off a high cliff Heihachi tossed an old man
and Dr. Abel began an insidious plan.

Kazuya: Could it be I was wrong about this whole day?
Is it truly more than a mere excuse to pay?

Announcer: And so it was with these words he did say,
that his heart did then grow three sizes that day.

Kazuya: Oh such a terrible fool I've been this whole time
but I shall not sit here and tell meaningless rhyme!

Now come my slow reindeer, my trusty old steed,
it's time that we fix your most terrible deed!

Announcer: On their sleigh they hopped without a moment's delay
and Jin and his father let out a 'hurray'.

Down to Tekkenville they went with a celebratory cheer
and to all in town their presance was made clear.

With a joyous applause all the gifts did return
And from this a lesson did Kazuya learn:

Kazuya: To all who may hear it at this holiday time
what a wonderful 'venture was this Christmas crime!

End Of Chapter 8

In case you hadn't noticed, I've been reducing the use of the laugh track. At first it helped to give it a sitcom feel, but now it seems like it serves no purpose other than to point out every joke. Like in actual sitcoms that use laugh tracks. Damn, that's lame.
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