Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

Everybody Loves Kazuya

by Gai 0 reviews

The life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody - Published: 2007-02-19 - Updated: 2007-02-19 - 1266 words

Jin: Uh, Dad, can I talk to you about something?

Kazuya: I'd prefer it if you didn't, boy.

Jin: It's kinda important, you see, there's this guy at school...

Kazuya: .....oh, no. No. No. No. I ain't gonna hear this! (holds his hands to his ears)

Jin: Dad, I hav-

Kazuya: Oh, hell no! I been hearing about these boys who ain't so straight, questioning their sexuality and stuff, but you can't come outta the closet to me if I can't hear it!

(audience laughs)

Jin: Dad, it's that this guy's been picking fights with me...

Kazuya: ...A fight? That's it? My boy, that makes me the happiest father on the planet! (almost hugs Jin, but decides against it)

Jin: What do I do, Dad? I mean, he's been following me around a lot, calling me names and I really don't think he's going to leave me alone.

Kazuya: Boy, when someone gives you trouble, you give it back to 'em tenfold, like when Jun gives me lip, I say to that dumb broad, "listen, you dumb broad, quit giving me lip and get me a sandwich!" ...though she usually ends up making cookies.....but the point is, if this guy wants a fight, then you damn well better give it to him, or I swear you're no son of mine!

Jin: But I don't want to fight him! Can't we settle this dispute without violence?

(Kazuya whacks Jin in the back of the head)

Kazuya: Would you just listen to yourself for a minute, 'settle this dispute without violence'! You listen to me, boy, women talk, men fight! That's the way the world's always worked, that's the way it's always been! If you don't fight him, you know what you are? Just a little girl, maybe I should go buy you a freakin' pink dress, get you all prettied up, cause you sure as heck ain't a man!

(audience laughs)

Jin: .......okay. (trudges off to his room)

Kazuya: I ain't been hitting that kid enough, that's what the problem is, I tell ya, not wanting to fight, what kinda wimp would...

(door knocks)

Kazuya: Now who the heck...

(opens the door)

Paul: Kazuya Mishima?

Kazuya: You're that, uh....Phoenix, right?

Paul: That's right, and I've come to finish our fight, that battle which we left unfinished so many years ago!

Kazuya: Right, right, I remember that fight, nice to see ya again... (begins to shut the door on Paul)

Paul: Oh no, you know what I want!

Kazuya: A haircut? Here's some money, there's a nice barber across the street...

(audience laughs)

Paul: Forget it, Mishima, I'm not leaving without a fight!

Kazuya: A fight?

Paul: I've been looking for you for over twenty years, and now I've finally found you!

Kazuya: I'd love to kick your ass, Phoenix, but I'm busy right now, reading the paper, in my chair.

Paul: Fine, then I'll wait. (sits down on the ground)

Kazuya: Yeah, uh....I'm gonna take a while....

Paul: I don't mind.

Kazuya: After I read the paper, I usually take a nap....

Paul: I can wait.

Kazuya: I could be asleep for several hours...

Paul: I don't have a home anyway.

Kazuya: .....huh. (closes the door)

Jin: (comes into the room) Who was that, Dad?

Kazuya: That? Nothing, boy, just some crazy nut.

Jin: Pop, I was thinking about it, and I realize that you're right, I have to fight him, I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I refuse to fight him?

Kazuya: ....right...

Jin: I mean, it's just like you said, I wouldn't be a man, I'd just be a wimp, I wouldn't have any right to show my face to people if I couldn't stand up to one guy.

Kazuya: Yeah, sure....

Jin: It's just that if a man can't face something, then how-

(Kazuya whacks Jin in the back of the head)

Kazuya: I heard ya already!

(audience laughs)

Jin: Sorry, Dad. (leaves the room)

(door opens)

Kazuya Now what's he want...? (opens the door)

Heihachi: Kazuya, are you aware that there's a man sitting next to your door?

Kazuya: That? Uh, that's, uh...

Paul: Paul Phoenix.

Kazuya: Right.

Heihachi: Oh. Well, I just decided to stop by to see how my hated son is doing.

Paul: Not so well, I'm afraid he's got some hospital bills he'll have to be paying off soon.

Kazuya: You stay out of this! (slams the door on Paul)

(audience laughs)

Heihachi: Does that fellow desire a fight with you?

Kazuya: Yeah, 'that fellow' does.

Heihachi: Then show him the strength of Mishima style Karate, make your father proud!

Kazuya: ....I can't.

Heihachi: You can't? What do you mean you can't?

Kazuya: I'm not possessed by Devil, I can't fight anymore.

Heihachi: Don't be ridiculous, a Mishima only needs his fist!

Kazuya: You don't get it, I can't fight without Devil, I feel like a Texan without a gun!

(Texan audience members boo)

Heihachi: Then I shall train you!

Kazuya: Wha?

Heihachi: Yes, I shall reteach you the ways of the Mishima, and I don't care how many cliffs I must throw you off of in order to make you the greatest fighter again!

Kazuya: (being dragged off by Heihachi) A cliff? Hell no, no more freakin' cliffs!

(Kazuya, Heihachi, and Kuma are training in the mountains of Japan)

Heihachi: Just breathe in slowly, and feel the lifeforce of you feel it, can you feel it?

Kazuya: ...sniff ...I can smell it.....

Heihachi: Kuma!

(Kuma hangs his head in shame, having unleashed his Fatal Wind move)

Heihachi: Now, concentrate you power into your body, gather your strength to form an iron fist...

Kazuya: ...heh, iron fist. That's cute.

(Eye of the Tiger theme begins to play in the backround)

Heihachi: That's it, Kazuya, now you are starting to recall your old moves!

Kazuya: Yeah, I just remembered another one, Entrails Smash. I wonder why I called it Entrails Smash though.

(Kazuya does Entrails Smash on Kuma)

Kazuya: (looking at Kuma's entrails lying on the ground) Oh yeah.

(audience laughs)

(one year later)

Heihachi: Now, my son, your training is complete.

Kazuya: Yes. And now, I have no need for you, old man. (grabs Heihachi and throws him off the mountain)

(audience laughs)

(back at home)

Kazuya: Where the hell is that damn Phoenix?

(Heihachi bursts into the room)

Kazuya: What the hell, I threw you off a freakin' cliff!

Heihachi: I climbed up.

Kazuya: ...oh. So what do you want?

Heihachi: There's a big story on the news, a huge explosion, something about a truck full of industrial waste being driven by a dinosaur with boxing gloves that crashed, and now there's a huge traffic jam downtown!

Paul: (stuck behind an endless line of cars) I hate Japanese traffic!

Kazuya: Then that means...I'm off the hook! Ha ha! You see, old man, all your training doesn't amount to crap, I've got something better!

Heihachi: What's that?

Kazuya : It's called waiting until the last second for something convenient to happen!

(audience cheers)

End Of Chapter 7

I'd like to personally apologize to gay, female, and Texan readers for Kazuya's remarks, he just happens to be very vocal about his opinions...though if I have actually offended someone, then at least I've gotten that ultra-conservative Archie Bunker personality right. And if you're wondering why I keep switching around where they live from one country to another, and why Kazuya keeps getting unpossessed and repossessed by Devil, it's called continuity, something that you'll find in most stories. Just not this one.
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