Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

The Six Million Dollar Mishima

by Gai 0 reviews

The life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody - Published: 2006-12-17 - Updated: 2006-12-18 - 1584 words

(Kazuya is sitting in his chair as Jun's making Jin's Halloween costume)

Kazuya: I hate this holiday, Jun, I swear I freakin' hate it.

Jun: What's wrong with Halloween, Kazuya?

Kazuya: I really gotta explain that? Every year on this night, all these stinkin' punks gather together like rodents, running around while throwing eggs at people's houses, setting dog crap on fire, and committing all other kinds of vandalism. Halloween's nothing more than an excuse for these kids to pull this kinda crap on innocent people, and the cops don't do a damn thing about it.

Jun: They're just trying to have fun, Kazuya, remember the time I said I was going to bake cookies, but instead I changed my mind and made a pie?

Kazuya: ......yeah, you can be really out of control sometimes.

Jun: Oh stop it, you're embarrassing me!

Kazuya: (sighs) One of these days, Jun, I freakin' swear...

Jun: (finishes her work) Kazuya, what do you think of my costume for Jin?

Kazuya: Jun, uh, that's a little....

Jun: Isn't it adorable? It's a little red devil, just like the one you had possessing you.

Kazuya: Mine was purple, and it's still possessing me, by the way.

Jun: I thought you got rid of it.

Kazuya: Yeah, I did, but then one day I thought to myself that I'd sell my soul for a loaded gun, and then he appeared.

Jun: A gun? (laughs) Kazuya, why would you need a gun?

Kazuya: (stroking his pistol) Heh, wouldn't you like to know...

(audience laughs)

Jun: So do you think Jin will like his costume?

Kazuya: ...Uh, Jun, 'bout that, I like it, really 'cute', especially the little pitchfork and the heart you sewed on the chest, but Jin's not a kid anymore, he can't go in a costume.

Jun: My little Jinny? He's never too old, he's my precious little baby!

Kazuya: Ah, geez, an' I been wonderin' why my boy's been growing up the way he has....

(doorbell rings)

Kazuya: Oh boy, here come the vultures... (opens the door)

Kids: Trick or treat!

Kazuya: TRICK. (turns into Devil and scares them away)

Jun: Oh, Kazuya, I wish you would stop doing that.

Kazuya: They asked for a trick, I just gave it to 'em, pardon me for being a freakin' Saint.

(audience laughs)

Jin: (comes into the room) Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Jun: Jin, are your friends going to be here soon?

Jin: ....why would people be coming here?

Jun: It's Halloween, silly, so you can go trick or treating tonight!

Jin: Trick or treating? Mom, I'm not a kid anymore!

Jun: Don't be ridiculous, you're never too old to get candy.

Jin: Everyone my age stopped doing that years ago!

Jun: So you don't have to follow the crowd, if someone calls you names, you just stand up to them and tell them that you're not too old because some people said so.

Kazuya: Heh, an' you wonder why the boy always got beat up when he was a kid...

(audience laughs)

Jin: ......okay.

Jun: Here, try out your costume I just made!

Jin: (looks at it) .......

Jun: (smiling)

Kazuya: (tries to keep from laughing)

Jin: ........

Jun: (smiling)

Jin: ......okay. (tries it on)

Jun: Oh, you look so cute!

Kazuya: You're just 'adorable'! (laughs)

Jin: ...... (slowly walks off toward the door)

Jun: Wait, are you going outside by yourself?

Jin: But I don't know anyone my own age who'd go with me, without wanting to beat me up.

Jun: Kazuya can go with you.

Kazuya: What?

Jun: You can just take him to a few houses along the neighborhood.

Kazuya: No way, I ain't goin' anywhere with....... (points at Jin)

(audience laughs)

Jun: Kazuya, this is one of our child's few precious moments he'll have in his childhood, don't you want to be there for him?

Kazuya: No.

Jun: For me?

Kazuya: No.

Jun: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?

Kazuya: Zoinks!

(Kazuya and Jin are walking down the street)

Kazuya: How is it she always manages to get me to do this kind of stuff with a simple offering of preprocessed dog food?

Shaggy: Like, you ain't gotta tell me, man, you ain't got any idea how many spooky mansions Daphne's gotten me an' Scoob into with those things!

Kazuya:'d you get in this series?

Shaggy: I don't know, I basically just wander around. I'm gonna go try and find a joint.

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: ...I freakin' hate this holiday.

(Jin and Kazuya go up to a house and knock on the door)

(Marshall opens the door)

Jin: Trick or treat.

Marshall: Oh, right, it's Halloween, just a second. (leaves)

(Marshall comes back after a minute)

Marshall: Here's some leftovers, little boy. (pours a pot of soup into Jin's bag)

Jin: ...It smells kind of funny.

Marshall: That's to be expected, it's been sitting there for almost a week. Good night. (closes door)

(audience laughs)

(Jin and Kazuya go to the next house and knock on the door)

(Ganryu opens the door)

Jin: Trick or treat.

Ganryu: You want food?

Jin: Yes.

Ganryu: Do you really think I'd have anything left over after I got my hands on it?


Ganryu: Well, you're right. (closes the door)

(audience laughs)

(Jin and Kazuya go up to a house and knock on the door)

(Hwoarang opens the door)

(audience cheers)

Hwoarang: How you hangin', Mistah K'?

Kazuya: Oh boy...

Hwoarang: (sees Jin in his costume)

Jin: ...

Hwoarang: ......

Jin: ...

Hwoarang: I'm kicking your ass tomorrow. (closes the door)

(Jin and Kazuya go up to a house and knock on the door)

(Lee opens the door)

Kazuya: Lee, this isn't your house, what the hell are you doing here?

Lee: Yeah, well, I'm kinda...

Anna: Lee, hurry up, I think Nina's getting ready to start without you!

Lee: Look, I'm kinda busy right now, here's a few condoms, kid, merry Christmas! (closes the door)

Kazuya: ...........

Jin: ...........

Kazuya: Jin, I want you to forget everything that happened here.

Jin: Yes, Dad.

(Jin and Kazuya come across Lei)

Lee: Good evening, citizens, is everything in order?

Kazuya: Yeah, we're fine...

Lee: Well, I'm just out to make sure that everything's in order, Halloween is a happy time of the year, but sometimes people try to engage in some less than civil conduct, so as an officer of the law, I have to ensure the safety and cleanliness of every citizen and their property in this fair city.

Kazuya: Yeah, you do that.

Lei: ....look, you haven't seen anything suspicious, have you? A drug trade, an illegal weapons manufacturer, maybe?

Kazuya: No.

Lei: Nothing at all? Maybe a jaywalker?

Kazuya: No, get away from me!

Lei: Look, I just need something to prove to my boss-

Police officer: Lei, what are you doing out here, you're on suspension!

Lei: No, you people can never take me off the force, after all I've given to you! (runs off)

Kazuya: You see, boy, that's what happens when you dedicate your life to your work instead of gettin' a woman.

(Jin and Kazuya go to the next house and knock on the door)

(Dr. Abel opens the door)

Jin: Trick or treat.

Dr. Abel: Here you go. (gives Jin some plutonium)

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: And they say no one gives out anything good these days!

Jin: Yeah, I guess it's nice....but it's still not candy...

(Kazuya whacks Jin in the back of the head)

Kazuya: You really are an ungrateful little piece of crap, you know that? You got any idea how rare of a power source this stuff is?

Jin: Yeah, but I don't need any radioactive energy, Dad.

Kazuya: Fine then, one more freakin' house.

(Jin and Kazuya go up to a house and knock on the door)

(Ogre opens the door)

Ogre: ...

Jin: Trick or treat.

Ogre: ...

(Ogre gives Jin a few collected souls of defeated warriors)

Jin: Cool, I got Wang Jinrey!

Kazuya: Okay, that's it, we're headin' home now, I swear I'm gettin' sick of all this walking.

(Jin and Kazuya cross the street to their house)

(back at home)

Jun: Did you have a good time, Jin?

Jin: Sure, Mom.

Kazuya: You know, I think we've all learned something about this holiday, Halloween ain't about dressing up, it ain't about getting candy, it's about people coming to your door and demanding you give them food. Oh wait, I already knew that. And I still hate this holiday.

(Heihachi comes in)

Heihachi: Good evening, my fellow Mishimas!

Jin: Hi, Grandpa, why'd you stop by?

Heihachi: (wearing a red cap and clothes) I thought I'd come here to celebrate Halloween with my brethren, so I've brought a turkey as a peace offering, which we shall cook on the grill in the yard as we set off fireworks and decorate a tree, and afterwards we can look for eggs that I have hidden around your estate.

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: That ain't Halloween, you nut!

Heihachi: I suppose I'm having trouble learning all these traditions, these western holidays are new to me.

Kazuya: At least you got the costume right.

Heihachi: My Santa Claws outfit?

Kazuya: No, I'm talkin' about your head, it looks like you're goin' as a zombie.

Heihachi: Why's that?

Kazuya: Because you're dead from the neck up.

Heihachi: What's that mean?

Kazuya: It means, you're a meathead!

(everyone, including Heihachi, laughs)

End Of Chapter 6

I know Halloween is coming up within the next ten months, so...enjoy.
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