Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

Welcome Back, Kazuya

by Gai 0 reviews

The life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody - Published: 2006-09-25 - Updated: 2006-09-25 - 910 words

Jin: Hi, Pop, I'm home.

Kazuya: (reading paper)

Jin: Dad? Hey-

Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) Quiet, boy, I'm readin' the stocks!

Jin: Stocks?

Kazuya: Yeah, this here G Corporation's been stealing all of our profits, so I set up a meeting with someone from the company today.

(door knocks)

Jin: I'll get-

Kazuya: (shoves Jin out of the way) Get outta the way, that's probably them! (opens the door)

Hwoarang: Hey, Mistah K'!

(audience cheers)

Kazuya: Hey, Hwoarang, where's your parole officer?

Hwoarang: (laughs) Man, you are a jive! I jus' chillin' an' thought I'd check out one o' the home boys!

Kazuya: Good, then go home. (slams the door on Hwoarang)

(audience cheers)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: That son of a...! (opens the door)

Xiayou: Hello, Mr. Jin Jin's daddy! Is Jin Jin home?

Kazuya: Oh, you're that mentally unstable friend of Jin's. Still after my boy, I see. I guess the restraining order didn't help...

(audience laughs)

Xiayou: I just love my Jin Jin!

Kazuya: ...Yeah. Yeah, that's great. So why'd you come here, to dig through our trash again?

(audience laughs)

Xiayou: I brought him something to eat! (shows a pot she's carrying)

Kazuya: You cooked for him again, huh. You ain't trying to poison him this time, are you?

Xiayou: No. Would you like to try some, Jin Jin's daddy?

Kazuya: Eh, why not... (tries a little) This tastes pretty good, what is it?

Xiayou: Panda meat!

Kazuya: (gags)

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: Panda meat? Where the hell did you get Panda meat?

Xiayou: From my Panda, silly! I prepared it myself to show my undying love for Jin Jin!

Kazuya: So you butchered your pet and cooked it's remains.

Xiayou: (nods)

(Kazuya slams the door on Xiayou)

(audience laughs)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: What the heck is it now...? (opens the door)

Bruce: Do I know you?

(Kazuya slams the door on Bruce)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: Of all the stupid... (opens the door)

Julia: Kazuya Mishima? I'm from G Corp-

(Kazuya slams the door)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: Now who the heck is it...? (opens the door)

Heihachi: Kazuya, I've come back to reclaim my empi-

Kazuya: The hell you are! (slams the door on Heihachi)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: Ah, like I didn't see that comin'... (opens the door)

Devil: Kazuya, come back to me, we had such good times together.

Jin: Dad, uh, is there something that you're keeping from Mom?

(audience laughs)

(Kazuya glares at audience)

(audience is quiet)

Kazuya: It's not like you think, this guy possessed me.

Jin: Oh. Right, Dad...

Kazuya: He did!

Jin: I believe you, but this is really something that you should be talking about with Mom, not me.

(Kazuya simultaneously slams the door on Devil and whacks Jin in the back of the head)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: ... (opens the door)

Lee: Kazuya, if you get a woman pregnant, but she's married, the child's not your responsibility, right?

(Kazuya slams the door on Lee)

(door knocks)

Kazuya: CENSORED! (opens the door)

Julia: Mr. Mishima, I'm from G Corpora-

(Kazuya slams the door on Julia)

Kazuya: When the heck is that idiot from G Corporation gettin'... (slowly opens the door)

Kazuya: (stares at Julia)

Kazuya: ... (slowly closes the door)

Kazuya: ... (slowly opens the door)

Kazuya: ...did you say G Corporation?

Julia: Yes, I'm Julia Ch-

Kazuya: Uh, well, come in! (politely grabs Julia by the arm and drags her inside) Take a seat.

Julia: (begins to sit down) Mr. Mishima, I-

Kazuya: Aw geez, not in my chair!

(audience laughs)

Julia: (sits on the couch) Mr. Mishima, G Corporation is always willing to conduct business with other companies, and we are honored that a financial empire as established as the Mishima Zaibatsu has expressed interest in us.

Kazuya: Yeah, well, that's kinda it, see, I didn't want to meet up with you people so we could work together, but more because I was plannin' on buying you out.

Julia: Mr. Mishima, I assure you that G Corporation has no intention of selling to anyone!

Kazuya: Yeah, I figured you'd say something like that, but, for the right price...

Julia: Mr. Mishima, I think this discussion has ended! Let me tell you that-

Kazuya: No, let me tell you something, you wanna make a deal, go show a butcher that head of your's!

Julia: And just what does that mean?

Kazuya: It means, you're a meathead! Now get outta here, I hope the freakin' door hits your ass on the way out! (slams the door on Julia)

(audience cheers)

Jin: Hey, Pop, how'd the meeting go?

Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) Just rub it in, ya stinkin'...ah, it ain't your fault...

Jin: Did something happen?

Kazuya: Eh, it was like she was outta one of them zombie movies...

Jin: What do you mean?

Kazuya: She was dead from the neck up.

Jin: You're saying...?

Kazuya: I'm saying, she's a meathead!

(audience claps)

Kazuya: ...I'm just gonna go lie down for a while.

End Of Chapter 5

I decided to add Archie's chair bit, because, well, it was a good bit. I mean, he really loved that chair. Yeah, heh, that was a good one.

I also learned that I shouldn't overuse the meathead bit, I guess I should remember not to use it twice in one chapter.

Don't know when the next chapter's coming, but it's going to feature Paul. Until then, I'm out.
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