Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

My Favorite Mishima

by Gai 0 reviews

The life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody - Published: 2006-09-07 - Updated: 2006-09-07 - 1001 words

Heihachi: Good day, my sons.

Lee: Hey, Dad. Uh, what is that exactly?

Heihachi: What?

Kazuya: He's talking about the freakin' bear. (points at the bear standing behind Heihachi)

(audience laughs)

Heihachi: Oh, this is Kuma.

Lee: Where the hell did you get him?

Heihachi: I went down to the pet shop. I was going to get a puppy, but then I saw this, and I thought to myself, "I'm Heihachi Mishima, I should have a bear!"

Kazuya: ...I swear I'm putting you on a medication.

Heihachi: Kuma can do anything better than other pets. I've already taught him extensive martial arts and he's my training partner.

Lee: Your training partner? What about your other one, that blackbelt from Korea?

Heihachi: I fired her. I just couldn't work with her anymore after I found out about you two...

Lee: Hey, we were just doing our own brand of training....

(audience cheers)

Kazuya: You're training with a bear? That's so stupid I swear it should've come outta Jin's mouth!

Heihachi: Just watch! (waves hand in front of Kuma) Kuma! Sit! Sit! Sit, Kuma! No! Kuma! Sit! Kuma! Kuma, come back here!

(Kuma goes off on a rampage)

Heihachi: Never did that before.

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: .....I guess they'll just shoot the damn thing after it kills a few people, so it's not our problem.

Heihachi: Actually, I wrote down your address on it's collar.

Kazuya: My address?! Why the heck didn't you use your own?!

Heihachi: I live on a mountain in Japan, I don't even have an address.

Kazuya: Ah, damn it, and I suppose we gotta go get the stinking mutt then.

Jun: Kazuya, where are you going?

Kazuya: I've gotta chase after a bloodthirsty, man-eating bear right now, Jun.

Jun: Okay, just be sure you're back before dinner.

Jin: Dad, can I come?

Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) What do you know about huntin' bears, boy, you're useless!

Jin: But I won the third King of Iron Fist Tournament!

Kazuya: That's not what Paul Phoenix told me!

(out in the woods)

Kazuya: Lee, why the heck did you decide to go huntin' for bears in a tux?

Lee: If this bear kills us, I want to die with some class.

Kazuya: What difference would it make if the thing tore you to shreds?

Lee: You're right, the blood would clash! Unless... (puts a rose in his breast pocket)

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: I hope it kills you first.

Heihachi: Did you hear something?

Kazuya: No. Did you?

Heihachi: No.

(audience laughs)

Lee: Hey, what's that in the bushes?

(Bruce Irvin comes out)

Kazuya: Bruce, what are you doin' out here?

Bruce: I haven't had any money since I lost the second King of Iron Fist Tournament, so I've been working for the Mishima Corporation as a human guinea pig.

Kazuya: ...that doesn't explain why you're out here in the forest living in a bush.

Bruce: I just thought I saw a boxing dinosaur go in there.

(audience laughs)

Bruce: Hey, did you hear that?

Kazuya: Hear what?

Bruce: It sounded like laughter coming from somewhere.

Kazuya: Probably from in your head, like all the other voices you must hear.

(audience laughs)

Bruce: Aw man, there it goes again!

Kazuya: What kinda stuff did they test on you anyway?

Bruce: Just some mind-altering drugs, nothing serious.

(audience laughs)

Bruce: The voices! They're laughing at me! Must not say anything funny!

Kazuya: Yeah, you're 'funny', alright...

(audience laughs)

Bruce: Ahhh! No, stop it! Get out of my head!

(audience laughs)

Bruce: Ahhh!

Kazuya: Bruce, you might want to see an undertaker.

Bruce: Why's that?

Kazuya: Because you're dead from the neck up.

Bruce: What do you mean?

Kazuya: What I mean, is that you're a meathead!

(audience cheers)

Bruce: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!! (runs away screaming)

Kazuya: Let's get out of here, that guy's a freakin' nut.

Lee: Wait, I hear someth-

Kazuya: You shut up.

Lee: No, really, I think it's the bear!

(a loud roar, or whatever sound that bears make, is heard)

Heihachi: Kuma!

Kazuya: It came from this direction!

Heihachi: There he is!.....who's that with him?

(Kazuya, Lee, and Heihachi see Kuma and Panda...engaging in one of the joys of nature)

Kazuya: Ah no, no, that ain't right, that ain't right at all!

Lee: I...I think I'm gonna be sick....

Heihachi: (smiling) Today, my bear has become a man. I'm so proud!

(back at Kazuya's apartment)

Kazuya: Huh, who knew that female Pandas commonly killed the males after breedin'...

Lee: I wish I knew what those two were doing before I saw it....for the first time in my life, I'm completely cold down in the pants. I'm like you, actually.

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: You know, I'm surprised Heihachi took this whole thing so well, losin' his bear and all.

Heihachi: My sons, allow me to introduce you to my new pet!

Lee: Did you learn your lesson and finally get something normal?

Heihachi: No, instead I decided to get another bear! (brings in a bear)

Kazuya: Ah, geez....

Lee: So what are you naming it?

Heihachi: I've decided to call it Kuma!

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: That's the same freakin' name you gave the last one!

Heihachi: Yes, but to distinguish this one from the last Kuma, I've given it a red scarf!

(audience laughs)

Jun: Oh, Heihachi!

(everyone laughs)

End Of Chapter 4

I kind of made that whole bear mating process up for the sake of convenience, I'm not really sure if the female Panda eats the males after mating, maybe it was the Mantis.

I have another idea for the next episode, though I don't know when I'll be able to get around to writing it. Just be sure to drop in and give your opinion on this one. Apparantly sitcom-style comedies are the only good thing I do anyway....not that it's a bad thing, at least I know I'm better than anything on the WB.

.....but that ain't saying much.
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