Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

Married With Kazuya

by Gai 1 review

The life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody - Published: 2006-06-18 - Updated: 2006-06-18 - 932 words

Kazuya: (reading paper) Geez, Jun, I tell ya, it seems everything going on in the world is about the common man getting pushed around by some huge corporation run by a bunch of rich bastards. Like this here, '500 Mishima Zaibatsu employees laid off'. What I wouldn't give to get my hands around the neck of the guy who runs that thing...

Jun: Isn't the Mishima Zaibatsu your company, Kazuya?

Kazuya: ...maybe I've read enough today. You know, Jun, I remember a time when a man made what he earned, instead of what some corporate fat cats told him he deserved. It brings shame to me as an upstanding, hard-working American man, seeing other decent men who work all day getting bossed around by some pen-pushers!

Jun: Aren't you Japanese?

Kazuya: Shut it, Jun!

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: It's like I said, everyone's always coasting through life on something, 'insurance', that 'Bill of Rights'.....and 'child support' know I never would've come back to you if it wasn't for that last one.

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: Jin!

Jin: (enters) What is it, Dad?

(Kazuya whacks Jin in the back of the head)

Jin: Ow! What was that for?

Kazuya: I just thought of another reason why you make me hate my life.

(audience laughs)

Jin: Okay. (leaves)

Jun: (stops sewing) Look, Kazuya, I've finished a new sweater for you!

Kazuya: Jun, I ain't wearing that!

Jun: But look! It has a picture of a bunny on it!

Kazuya: Jun...

Jun: For me, please?

Kazuya: .....I'll wear it tomorrow.

Audience: Ahhhhh.

Kazuya: .....Jun, you remember that Devil spirit I had possessing me?

Jun: Oh, he was nice.

Kazuya: Yeah, 'nice'. Well, one night I got really plastered and do you know what I found when I woke up? I had a suit on and was carrying a briefcase full of tampered evidence! I was a lawyer, Jun! That damn devil had gone and defended some Vale Tudo nut accused of murder! He was an attourney of all things, a criminal defense attourney, no less! 'Just a misunderstood individual seeking attention', my ass!

Jun: At least you had him exorcised.

Kazuya: Yeah, by some weirdo wearin' a tiger mask!

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: And worse than that, he was from Mexico! You know I hate foreigners!

Jun: But you're...

Kazuya: Jun, I swear to god, you open that trap an' I am smacking it back shut!

(doorbell rings)

Kazuya: Jun, get the door!

(Jun walks past Kazuya and opens the door)

King: Good day, miss, I represent the save the children foundation...

Kazuya: Jun, close the door!

King: But I simply wish to talk to you about-

Kazuya: The door, Jun, close it before I close you!

(audience laughs)

Jun: He's a guest, Kazuya, I couldn't do that!

Kazuya: Jun, I swear to freakin' god... (gets up)

King: Please, I ask you to hear my words for the sake of the children!

Kazuya: Oh no, I ain't standing around here all day listening to some damn hippy liberal going on about helping people too lazy to help themselves! If they got problems, they should just get a damn job!

King: They're only children!

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: So they got them...what do you call 'em...sweat shops, or something.

King: ... (turns to Jun) I've been sponsoring this program as a professional wrestler in order to raise money for homeless children, and I've been looking for support from people like you, and with your help, I can peform a rolling death cradle on poverty!

Kazuya: (slams door on King) You see? You see how simple that was?

(doorbell rings)

Kazuya: That son of a...I swear I'm gonna... (opens door)

Lee: Hey Kazuya, guess what I've got?

Kazuya: Genital warts?

Lee: Better. (pulls something out of his pocket) Two tickets to the women's mud wrestling tournament!

Kazuya: How the heck did you get that?

Lee: I slept with one of the sponsors. Actually, I bribed her, but she was hot, so I slept with her anyway.

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: So who are those tickets for...?

Lee: Hey, who else would I take, we're bros! Yeah, Dad told me you were adopted, but still...

Kazuya: Yeah...

(audience laughs)

Lee: The show's gonna be tonight, just imagine it, two hot girls in bikinis in a pile of mud, their hands all over each other...

Kazuya: I gotta hand it to ya, Lee, you can be a real screw-up, but it looks like you actually did something right for a change!

Lee: Hey Kazuya, why are you so excited anyway when you got a wife like Jun? I mean me, I'm a player, but you're,

Kazuya: A thing you gotta understand about married life, Lee, after a certain number of years, you reach the point where the last thing you want to do is sleep with your wife.

Lee: I don't know, I mean Jun's pretty hot, if she was my wife, we'd be-

Kazuya: Finish that and I kill you.

End Of Chapter 3

I hope you're still enjoying this story, I wanted to make the part where Lee arrived seem like something from Married With Children, though it was hard trying to have Kazuya balance Al Bundy and Archie Bunker personalities. No idea where I'm going with this, or when I'll be able to work on it, having a tighter schedule now due to my job, but I'll let this chapter decide how people want another part.

And I know someone's reading this. At least 85 people, in fact. So review. Because otherwise I'll be too lazy to update.
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