Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best
The Boskonovitches
0 reviewsThe life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.
0Unrated
(at Boskonovitch's mansion)
Lee: Come on, Kazuya, why did I have to come with you?
Kazuya: Because you sold my car in the first place, you mullet head!
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: Who the heck is that, anyway?
Lee: This is Angel.
Angel: Hi.
Kazuya: What happened to the last one?
Lee: Unikunutsi? We had a little fun, and then I said I'd call her.
Kazuya: But you just introduced her a few minutes ago!
(audience laughs)
Lee: Yeah, while you were thinking about getting your car back, we decided to go do something else.
Kazuya: And where'd she come from?
Lee: I met Angel while we walked over here.
Kazuya: And this is the kinda crap I gotta put up with... (knocks on the front door)
(the door opens by itself)
Lee: You go first.
Kazuya: No, you go first.
Lee: ... (looks over at Angel) Ladies first.
Angel: Thank you. You're so polite, just like my sister said!
Kazuya: Sometimes I think you were adopted...
Lee: You're just jealous.
Kazuya: Why the heck should I be jealous? I got Jun, and her...cookies. Ah, to hell with this, hopefully whatever's in there will kill me too. ( walks in after Angel)
Lee: Hmm...if something does kill Kazuya, then I'll be the sole heir to the Mishima Zaibatsu...but then again, there's a really hot woman who I haven't gotten to second base with in there...well, third base.
(Lee enters the house)
Kazuya: What a stinkin' dump this is, just imagine how they're treating my car...
(Unknown comes out)
Unknown: Hello, what brings you to our home?
Kazuya: Who are you?
Unknown: I'm Mrs. Munster.
Kazuya: ...what's your first name?
Unknown: ...I don't remember...it's been so long since I used it, I must have forgotten
Kazuya: So your name's unknown?
(audience laughs)
Unknown: Would you like to meet my husband?
Kazuya: Husband?
Unknown: Jack, we have company!
(Jack-2 comes through the wall)
Unknown: Jack, I told you to stop doing that.
Jack-2: I'm sorry, dear. (Turns to Kazuya) Hello, my name's Jack. May I ask who you are?
Kazuya: .....
Jack-2: How would you like to meet my family? Eddy, could you come down here?
Eddy: (comes down the stairs wearing a schoolboy outfit and carrying a baseball bat) What is it, Pop?
Jack-2: This is my son, Eddy.
Kazuya: Uh...nice shorts, kid.
(audience laughs)
Jack-2: Nina, we have a guest! (turns to Kazuya) Now I must apologize if you get a little scared. You see, Nina's not as normal as the rest of us.
Nina: (comes down the stairs) Who is it, Uncle?
Jack-2: This is...oh, excuse me, I don't believe I caught your name...
Kazuya: (to Nina) Kazuya. Kazuya Mishima.
Nina: Nice to meet you, Kazuya. Well, I'd better be leaving now, my date is here.
Jack-2: (to Kazuya) It's so nice to know that boys are still willing to go out with her, even though she's...well, you know.
Kazuya: My god, you're an idiot.
Lee: Hi, Nina.
Nina: Hi, Lee.
(Nina and Lee kiss while Kazuya gags)
Kazuya: Wait a minute. Lee, what happened to that other girl?
Lee: Heh, while you were guys were talking, Angle and I...
(audience laughs)
Jack-2: So, Kazuya, why did you decide to stop by?
Kazuya: Oh, right. You see, this meathead sold someone here my car.
Jack-2: You must mean Grandpa, he just bought a new car today.
Kazuya: Really? Where is Boskonovitch anyway?
Unknown: Boskonovitch? Is Grandpa still calling himself that? Oh, and I suppose he told you he's Russian too.
Kazuya: He's not Russian?
Unknown: Oh no, he's from Transylvannia.
Kazuya: Where is he?
Unknown: He's probably down in the lab making another one of his silly little inventions.
Jack-2: You know, last week he made a boxing Kangaroo. That thing really packed a punch! (laughs at his own stupid little joke)
Lee: (laughs too)
Kazuya: Lee, you're still here?
Lee: No, I just got back with Mina. She and I had a pretty good time, if you know what I mean (laughs at his own stupid little joke)
Jack-2: (laughs too)
Kazuya: And I guess you gave her that old 'call you back' line?
Lee: You know it!
Kazuya: But she lives here.
Lee: Oh, right. (leaves)
(audience laughs)
Jack-2: I suppose I'll show you where his lab is, Kazuya.
(In Boskonovitch's lab)
Jack-2: Grandpa, someones's here to see you.
Boskonovitch: What's that? Is it that mail-order bride I ordered, the Russian one?
Jack-2: You're not Russian, Grandpa, and you're not fooling anyone. Now, I'll just leave you two alone.
Boskonovitch: Wait! First, look at this! It's a dinosaur...that can box!
Jack-2: Grandpa, is everything that you're going to create going to be an animal that can box?
Boskonovitch: Of course not! My next project is going to be an artifically- created Dodo cloned from a specimen's DNA. And then I shall teach it to fight using only it's bare fists!
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: Anyway, old man, about this car you bought...
Boskonovitch: Oh yes, a very fine car!
Kazuya: Yeah, about that, the guy who sold you that car, you see, he kinda has this condition, it's like his brain don't work so well...
Boskonovitch: Are you saying that you want it back?
Kazuya: Course I'm sayin' I want it back, it's my car!
Boskonovitch: Hmm. Well, I'm sorry, but I really like that car. Besides, it will be the perfect test subject for one of my upcoming experiments...an automobile that can box!
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: What the f....look, 'grandpa', you give me back my car, or I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich!
Boskonovitch: Oh, that sounds delicious, but I'm afraid I just had dinner an hour ago...
Kazuya: (does a Demon God Fist to Boskonovitch)
(back at home)
Kazuya: I gotta tell ya, that was the strangest bunch of freaks I ever saw. They actually made you weirdos look normal!
Jun: That's such a sweet thing to say! Family hug!
Kazuya: Aw, geez, Jun, enough with the huggin' already!
Jin: So, Dad, I guess I'm not such a bad son after all, huh?
Kazuya: Well, boy, you may be a screw-up, but at least you don't wear shorts!
Heihachi: (comes into the room) Farewell, my brethren, it is time that I set out on my journey to find the Soul Calibur!
Everyone: Oh, Heihachi!
(everyone laughs)
End of Chapter 2
That covers the Mishima family's zany adventure of the day. Even though it was written over the span of a day. I could've written it all in half an hour, but I had to take care of...stuff.
I had to mention Heihachi's appearance in Soul Calibur II (which is why I'm glad I own a PS2. And Tekken. I think Tekken's only available for PS2, though I could be wrong, having no reason to check) I get sick of all the Zelda fanboys saying how much they're getting screwed having to use the crappy Heihachi instead of the great Link. Would anyone mind telling me when the definition of badass became an elf that wears a skirt and tights? Yeah, I went there.
Lee: Come on, Kazuya, why did I have to come with you?
Kazuya: Because you sold my car in the first place, you mullet head!
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: Who the heck is that, anyway?
Lee: This is Angel.
Angel: Hi.
Kazuya: What happened to the last one?
Lee: Unikunutsi? We had a little fun, and then I said I'd call her.
Kazuya: But you just introduced her a few minutes ago!
(audience laughs)
Lee: Yeah, while you were thinking about getting your car back, we decided to go do something else.
Kazuya: And where'd she come from?
Lee: I met Angel while we walked over here.
Kazuya: And this is the kinda crap I gotta put up with... (knocks on the front door)
(the door opens by itself)
Lee: You go first.
Kazuya: No, you go first.
Lee: ... (looks over at Angel) Ladies first.
Angel: Thank you. You're so polite, just like my sister said!
Kazuya: Sometimes I think you were adopted...
Lee: You're just jealous.
Kazuya: Why the heck should I be jealous? I got Jun, and her...cookies. Ah, to hell with this, hopefully whatever's in there will kill me too. ( walks in after Angel)
Lee: Hmm...if something does kill Kazuya, then I'll be the sole heir to the Mishima Zaibatsu...but then again, there's a really hot woman who I haven't gotten to second base with in there...well, third base.
(Lee enters the house)
Kazuya: What a stinkin' dump this is, just imagine how they're treating my car...
(Unknown comes out)
Unknown: Hello, what brings you to our home?
Kazuya: Who are you?
Unknown: I'm Mrs. Munster.
Kazuya: ...what's your first name?
Unknown: ...I don't remember...it's been so long since I used it, I must have forgotten
Kazuya: So your name's unknown?
(audience laughs)
Unknown: Would you like to meet my husband?
Kazuya: Husband?
Unknown: Jack, we have company!
(Jack-2 comes through the wall)
Unknown: Jack, I told you to stop doing that.
Jack-2: I'm sorry, dear. (Turns to Kazuya) Hello, my name's Jack. May I ask who you are?
Kazuya: .....
Jack-2: How would you like to meet my family? Eddy, could you come down here?
Eddy: (comes down the stairs wearing a schoolboy outfit and carrying a baseball bat) What is it, Pop?
Jack-2: This is my son, Eddy.
Kazuya: Uh...nice shorts, kid.
(audience laughs)
Jack-2: Nina, we have a guest! (turns to Kazuya) Now I must apologize if you get a little scared. You see, Nina's not as normal as the rest of us.
Nina: (comes down the stairs) Who is it, Uncle?
Jack-2: This is...oh, excuse me, I don't believe I caught your name...
Kazuya: (to Nina) Kazuya. Kazuya Mishima.
Nina: Nice to meet you, Kazuya. Well, I'd better be leaving now, my date is here.
Jack-2: (to Kazuya) It's so nice to know that boys are still willing to go out with her, even though she's...well, you know.
Kazuya: My god, you're an idiot.
Lee: Hi, Nina.
Nina: Hi, Lee.
(Nina and Lee kiss while Kazuya gags)
Kazuya: Wait a minute. Lee, what happened to that other girl?
Lee: Heh, while you were guys were talking, Angle and I...
(audience laughs)
Jack-2: So, Kazuya, why did you decide to stop by?
Kazuya: Oh, right. You see, this meathead sold someone here my car.
Jack-2: You must mean Grandpa, he just bought a new car today.
Kazuya: Really? Where is Boskonovitch anyway?
Unknown: Boskonovitch? Is Grandpa still calling himself that? Oh, and I suppose he told you he's Russian too.
Kazuya: He's not Russian?
Unknown: Oh no, he's from Transylvannia.
Kazuya: Where is he?
Unknown: He's probably down in the lab making another one of his silly little inventions.
Jack-2: You know, last week he made a boxing Kangaroo. That thing really packed a punch! (laughs at his own stupid little joke)
Lee: (laughs too)
Kazuya: Lee, you're still here?
Lee: No, I just got back with Mina. She and I had a pretty good time, if you know what I mean (laughs at his own stupid little joke)
Jack-2: (laughs too)
Kazuya: And I guess you gave her that old 'call you back' line?
Lee: You know it!
Kazuya: But she lives here.
Lee: Oh, right. (leaves)
(audience laughs)
Jack-2: I suppose I'll show you where his lab is, Kazuya.
(In Boskonovitch's lab)
Jack-2: Grandpa, someones's here to see you.
Boskonovitch: What's that? Is it that mail-order bride I ordered, the Russian one?
Jack-2: You're not Russian, Grandpa, and you're not fooling anyone. Now, I'll just leave you two alone.
Boskonovitch: Wait! First, look at this! It's a dinosaur...that can box!
Jack-2: Grandpa, is everything that you're going to create going to be an animal that can box?
Boskonovitch: Of course not! My next project is going to be an artifically- created Dodo cloned from a specimen's DNA. And then I shall teach it to fight using only it's bare fists!
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: Anyway, old man, about this car you bought...
Boskonovitch: Oh yes, a very fine car!
Kazuya: Yeah, about that, the guy who sold you that car, you see, he kinda has this condition, it's like his brain don't work so well...
Boskonovitch: Are you saying that you want it back?
Kazuya: Course I'm sayin' I want it back, it's my car!
Boskonovitch: Hmm. Well, I'm sorry, but I really like that car. Besides, it will be the perfect test subject for one of my upcoming experiments...an automobile that can box!
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: What the f....look, 'grandpa', you give me back my car, or I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich!
Boskonovitch: Oh, that sounds delicious, but I'm afraid I just had dinner an hour ago...
Kazuya: (does a Demon God Fist to Boskonovitch)
(back at home)
Kazuya: I gotta tell ya, that was the strangest bunch of freaks I ever saw. They actually made you weirdos look normal!
Jun: That's such a sweet thing to say! Family hug!
Kazuya: Aw, geez, Jun, enough with the huggin' already!
Jin: So, Dad, I guess I'm not such a bad son after all, huh?
Kazuya: Well, boy, you may be a screw-up, but at least you don't wear shorts!
Heihachi: (comes into the room) Farewell, my brethren, it is time that I set out on my journey to find the Soul Calibur!
Everyone: Oh, Heihachi!
(everyone laughs)
End of Chapter 2
That covers the Mishima family's zany adventure of the day. Even though it was written over the span of a day. I could've written it all in half an hour, but I had to take care of...stuff.
I had to mention Heihachi's appearance in Soul Calibur II (which is why I'm glad I own a PS2. And Tekken. I think Tekken's only available for PS2, though I could be wrong, having no reason to check) I get sick of all the Zelda fanboys saying how much they're getting screwed having to use the crappy Heihachi instead of the great Link. Would anyone mind telling me when the definition of badass became an elf that wears a skirt and tights? Yeah, I went there.
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