Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best
Leave it to Kazuya
0 reviewsThe life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.
1Funny
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Announcer: And now, it's time for another exciting episode of America's favorite sitcom,
Kazuya Knows Best!
(Kazuya enters through the front door)
(audience cheers)
Kazuya: Jun! Get out here!
Jun: (comes out from the kitchen) What is it, Kazuya?
Kazuya: I just saw our useless son's report card.
Jun: What's wrong? He's not failing one of his classes, is he?
Kazuya: Actually, he's failing several, but that's not the point. Look at what it says here, he's getting an A in Home Economics!
(audience laughs)
Jun: Oh, how cute! I'm sure that being able to cook, he'll find a wonderful wife someday!
Kazuya: Don't count on a wife, Jun. Frankly, this makes me wonder if the boy isn't a little... (waves hand back and forth)
Jun: (laughs) Don't be silly, Kazuya!
Kazuya: I'm tellin' you, Jun, you seen the way that kid's always hanging around with that, uh...
Jun: Hwoarang.
Kazuya: Whatever. That boy's a crook, nothing but trouble. Jin's always spending his time getting in fights with that kid, when he should be out looking for a decent girl, one who cooks for HIM!
Jun: What about that Xiayou girl, she seems nice.
Kazuya: Jun, that girl ain't right. Always stalking Jin, going through our trash, it's like she's dead from the neck up!
Jun: Kazuya, what are you saying?
Kazuya: I'm sayin', she's a meathead!
(audience cheers)
Jin: (enters) Hey, Mom! Hey, Pop! (heads toward his room)
Kazuya: Not so fast, boy!
Jin: What is it, Dad?
Kazuya: Don't act like you don't know, Marsha Stewart!
Jun: Martha Stewart.
Kazuya: Whatever! I know you're acing Home Ec!
Jin: But I like that class!
Kazuya: Not if you're any son of mine!
Heihachi: (enters) Good day, my fellow Mishimas!
Kazuya: You!
Heihachi: Me?
Kazuya: No, the other you!
Heihachi: There's another me?
Kazuya: You did this!
Heihachi: Did what?
Kazuya: You had to teach a home economics class in Mishima High! Now look what you've done! My boy's like a Siegfried without his Roy!
(audience laughs)
Jin: There's nothing wrong with me, Dad!
Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) You're okay when I say so, boy! And you! Why the hell did you include that class anyway?
Heihachi: Why? Very well, I shall tell you the terrifying secret behind that course. It was because I wished to create an unstoppable army of home- making warriors, soldiers who could kill a man unarmed as well as make a delicious fruit pastry. And once my plan is complete, I shall-
Kazuya: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I outta...
Jun: Who wants cookies?
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: ......one of these days, Jun...Wham! Bam! Straight to the moon!
Jun: Oh, Kazuya, you're so cute when you're in an uncontrollable wife- beating rage!
Lee: (enters with a woman accompanying him) Hi, Kazuya!
Kazuya: Morning, Lee. Is this one random slut #237?
Lee: Actually, 273.....I mean....don't talk about Alice like that! We love each other!
Kazuya: Alice was the last one's name.
Lee: Really?
Kazuya: I'm pretty sure.
Lee: Oh. Then who are you?
Woman: Kunimitsu.
Lee: Right. Anyway, Kazuya, the reason I came up here was to tell you that I just sold your car.
Kazuya: WHAT?
Lee: Yeah, I needed some money, I've been having problems with cash ever since you fired me.
Heihachi: I fired you.
Lee: Right, so since I planned to take out Unikitsu to the movies or something, I sold your car to some guy I saw on the street for $30.
Kazuya: So you're saying you sold my car just so you could get some quick action?
Lee: Yeah, that's what makes me so lovable, me and my crazy shenanigans....
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: ...before I kill you, what did this buyer look like?
Lee: Let's see...he was old, balding, wore glasses, spoke with a Russian accent, had a lab coat on...
Kazuya: That could've been anybody!
Lee: Oh yeah, he kept falling on his back while I was talking to him.
Everyone: Boskonovitch!
End Of Chapter 1
I was thinking about making an entire episode a single chapter, but I decided I'd rather just take breaks and go do something else. I hope you like it so far, and that you catch a lot of the references I use, this story will be a lot more enjoyable if you're the kind of person who watches old sitcoms. Not TV Land though. Bastards got rid of the A-Team.
Announcer: And now, it's time for another exciting episode of America's favorite sitcom,
Kazuya Knows Best!
(Kazuya enters through the front door)
(audience cheers)
Kazuya: Jun! Get out here!
Jun: (comes out from the kitchen) What is it, Kazuya?
Kazuya: I just saw our useless son's report card.
Jun: What's wrong? He's not failing one of his classes, is he?
Kazuya: Actually, he's failing several, but that's not the point. Look at what it says here, he's getting an A in Home Economics!
(audience laughs)
Jun: Oh, how cute! I'm sure that being able to cook, he'll find a wonderful wife someday!
Kazuya: Don't count on a wife, Jun. Frankly, this makes me wonder if the boy isn't a little... (waves hand back and forth)
Jun: (laughs) Don't be silly, Kazuya!
Kazuya: I'm tellin' you, Jun, you seen the way that kid's always hanging around with that, uh...
Jun: Hwoarang.
Kazuya: Whatever. That boy's a crook, nothing but trouble. Jin's always spending his time getting in fights with that kid, when he should be out looking for a decent girl, one who cooks for HIM!
Jun: What about that Xiayou girl, she seems nice.
Kazuya: Jun, that girl ain't right. Always stalking Jin, going through our trash, it's like she's dead from the neck up!
Jun: Kazuya, what are you saying?
Kazuya: I'm sayin', she's a meathead!
(audience cheers)
Jin: (enters) Hey, Mom! Hey, Pop! (heads toward his room)
Kazuya: Not so fast, boy!
Jin: What is it, Dad?
Kazuya: Don't act like you don't know, Marsha Stewart!
Jun: Martha Stewart.
Kazuya: Whatever! I know you're acing Home Ec!
Jin: But I like that class!
Kazuya: Not if you're any son of mine!
Heihachi: (enters) Good day, my fellow Mishimas!
Kazuya: You!
Heihachi: Me?
Kazuya: No, the other you!
Heihachi: There's another me?
Kazuya: You did this!
Heihachi: Did what?
Kazuya: You had to teach a home economics class in Mishima High! Now look what you've done! My boy's like a Siegfried without his Roy!
(audience laughs)
Jin: There's nothing wrong with me, Dad!
Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) You're okay when I say so, boy! And you! Why the hell did you include that class anyway?
Heihachi: Why? Very well, I shall tell you the terrifying secret behind that course. It was because I wished to create an unstoppable army of home- making warriors, soldiers who could kill a man unarmed as well as make a delicious fruit pastry. And once my plan is complete, I shall-
Kazuya: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I outta...
Jun: Who wants cookies?
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: ......one of these days, Jun...Wham! Bam! Straight to the moon!
Jun: Oh, Kazuya, you're so cute when you're in an uncontrollable wife- beating rage!
Lee: (enters with a woman accompanying him) Hi, Kazuya!
Kazuya: Morning, Lee. Is this one random slut #237?
Lee: Actually, 273.....I mean....don't talk about Alice like that! We love each other!
Kazuya: Alice was the last one's name.
Lee: Really?
Kazuya: I'm pretty sure.
Lee: Oh. Then who are you?
Woman: Kunimitsu.
Lee: Right. Anyway, Kazuya, the reason I came up here was to tell you that I just sold your car.
Kazuya: WHAT?
Lee: Yeah, I needed some money, I've been having problems with cash ever since you fired me.
Heihachi: I fired you.
Lee: Right, so since I planned to take out Unikitsu to the movies or something, I sold your car to some guy I saw on the street for $30.
Kazuya: So you're saying you sold my car just so you could get some quick action?
Lee: Yeah, that's what makes me so lovable, me and my crazy shenanigans....
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: ...before I kill you, what did this buyer look like?
Lee: Let's see...he was old, balding, wore glasses, spoke with a Russian accent, had a lab coat on...
Kazuya: That could've been anybody!
Lee: Oh yeah, he kept falling on his back while I was talking to him.
Everyone: Boskonovitch!
End Of Chapter 1
I was thinking about making an entire episode a single chapter, but I decided I'd rather just take breaks and go do something else. I hope you like it so far, and that you catch a lot of the references I use, this story will be a lot more enjoyable if you're the kind of person who watches old sitcoms. Not TV Land though. Bastards got rid of the A-Team.
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