Categories > Games > Tekken > Kazuya Knows Best

Leave it to Kazuya

by Gai 0 reviews

The life of Kazuya, Jun, Jin, and the rest of the Mishima family in the form of a typical fifties sitcom. A typical fifties sitcom written by someone on crack, I mean.

Category: Tekken - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody - Published: 2005-12-24 - Updated: 2005-12-24 - 823 words

Legal Disclaimer: Tekken is not owned property of the creator of this series nor have licensing rights been granted by the owning company. As such, any assumption held by the viewer is irrelevant and irregardless to any evidence which could be held in the court of law and it is recommended that any victim who feels that they hold legal obligation to this license should consult their attourney before they decide to take legal action against any said guilty parties.

Announcer: And now, it's time for another exciting episode of America's favorite sitcom,

Kazuya Knows Best!

(Kazuya enters through the front door)

(audience cheers)

Kazuya: Jun! Get out here!

Jun: (comes out from the kitchen) What is it, Kazuya?

Kazuya: I just saw our useless son's report card.

Jun: What's wrong? He's not failing one of his classes, is he?

Kazuya: Actually, he's failing several, but that's not the point. Look at what it says here, he's getting an A in Home Economics!

(audience laughs)

Jun: Oh, how cute! I'm sure that being able to cook, he'll find a wonderful wife someday!

Kazuya: Don't count on a wife, Jun. Frankly, this makes me wonder if the boy isn't a little... (waves hand back and forth)

Jun: (laughs) Don't be silly, Kazuya!

Kazuya: I'm tellin' you, Jun, you seen the way that kid's always hanging around with that, uh...

Jun: Hwoarang.

Kazuya: Whatever. That boy's a crook, nothing but trouble. Jin's always spending his time getting in fights with that kid, when he should be out looking for a decent girl, one who cooks for HIM!

Jun: What about that Xiayou girl, she seems nice.

Kazuya: Jun, that girl ain't right. Always stalking Jin, going through our trash, it's like she's dead from the neck up!

Jun: Kazuya, what are you saying?

Kazuya: I'm sayin', she's a meathead!

(audience cheers)

Jin: (enters) Hey, Mom! Hey, Pop! (heads toward his room)

Kazuya: Not so fast, boy!

Jin: What is it, Dad?

Kazuya: Don't act like you don't know, Marsha Stewart!

Jun: Martha Stewart.

Kazuya: Whatever! I know you're acing Home Ec!

Jin: But I like that class!

Kazuya: Not if you're any son of mine!

Heihachi: (enters) Good day, my fellow Mishimas!

Kazuya: You!

Heihachi: Me?

Kazuya: No, the other you!

Heihachi: There's another me?

Kazuya: You did this!

Heihachi: Did what?

Kazuya: You had to teach a home economics class in Mishima High! Now look what you've done! My boy's like a Siegfried without his Roy!

(audience laughs)

Jin: There's nothing wrong with me, Dad!

Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) You're okay when I say so, boy! And you! Why the hell did you include that class anyway?

Heihachi: Why? Very well, I shall tell you the terrifying secret behind that course. It was because I wished to create an unstoppable army of home- making warriors, soldiers who could kill a man unarmed as well as make a delicious fruit pastry. And once my plan is complete, I shall-

Kazuya: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I outta...

Jun: Who wants cookies?

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: of these days, Jun...Wham! Bam! Straight to the moon!

Jun: Oh, Kazuya, you're so cute when you're in an uncontrollable wife- beating rage!

Lee: (enters with a woman accompanying him) Hi, Kazuya!

Kazuya: Morning, Lee. Is this one random slut #237?

Lee: Actually, 273.....I mean....don't talk about Alice like that! We love each other!

Kazuya: Alice was the last one's name.

Lee: Really?

Kazuya: I'm pretty sure.

Lee: Oh. Then who are you?

Woman: Kunimitsu.

Lee: Right. Anyway, Kazuya, the reason I came up here was to tell you that I just sold your car.

Kazuya: WHAT?

Lee: Yeah, I needed some money, I've been having problems with cash ever since you fired me.

Heihachi: I fired you.

Lee: Right, so since I planned to take out Unikitsu to the movies or something, I sold your car to some guy I saw on the street for $30.

Kazuya: So you're saying you sold my car just so you could get some quick action?

Lee: Yeah, that's what makes me so lovable, me and my crazy shenanigans....

(audience laughs)

Kazuya: ...before I kill you, what did this buyer look like?

Lee: Let's see...he was old, balding, wore glasses, spoke with a Russian accent, had a lab coat on...

Kazuya: That could've been anybody!

Lee: Oh yeah, he kept falling on his back while I was talking to him.

Everyone: Boskonovitch!

End Of Chapter 1

I was thinking about making an entire episode a single chapter, but I decided I'd rather just take breaks and go do something else. I hope you like it so far, and that you catch a lot of the references I use, this story will be a lot more enjoyable if you're the kind of person who watches old sitcoms. Not TV Land though. Bastards got rid of the A-Team.
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