Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Forbidden
Sunny’s POV
I’m freaking out.
Only two weeks to go, our last final and… it’s over. I quit forever being a student and become a graduate. A graduate that has a secured job in LA, with a little LA house, boyfriend and the rest of her life ahead of her. But how the hell am I going to tell Ryan this?
I already knew he was back with Brendon and the plan was to stay in Vegas. Both of them had been trying different shows and performances in the casinos, so it was just a matter of time before someone would call Ryan and tell him he was hired. Every day he’d tell me so and I was a chicken who couldn’t tell him one of the best things that ever happened to me.
It was Sunday morning, William was in LA and I was trying to make all my stuff fit in boxes. It was going to be pretty obvious that I was leaving after this, so I had to build up the nerve to tell Ryan. After postponing the moment for a few hours, I heard his door creak open, his footsteps down the hall and his voice mumble a random song. And I followed.
“Morning.” I said leaning on the kitchen’s door frame.
“Morning, sunshine!” He chimed. “Want eggs?” He offered and I nodded, watching him go to the fridge and get extra eggs. I settled the table in the meanwhile, still trying to figure out how to say this. Ryan was still humming a song by the time we sat to the table and started eating.
“How’s work going?” I asked casually.
“Great. Bren and I are almost done with out project. How about you? Any word from LA?” That was the question I was dreading. Now or never, I said to myself.
“Ryan, there’s something I need to tell you.” I took a deep breath as he watched me, biting his eggs. “We- we got an answer from LA. Bill and I are hired.”
“Oh, my God! Sunny, that’s awesome!” Ryan said happily, but his face faded at seeing I wasn’t smiling. “What’s wrong then?”
“We have to be working full time by the end of the month, after we graduate. We already have an apartment and next weekend I’m moving all my stuff out of here.” I spoke facing the table, just cause I didn’t wanna see his face.
“I thought we were staying in Vegas.” Ryan said plainly.
“I thought that too, but-- Ryan, it’s a great offer and I can’t say no.” I bit my lip and looked at him sheepishly. He stared back blankly.
“It’s okay. I- I know you’ve wanted this. I get it.” He said venturing a smile that didn’t quite stay. “I mean, I can’t pretend for us to be attached by the hip the rest of our lives, right?” He smiled again, but he wasn’t looking at me.
“Are you okay?” I asked after a short pause.
“Yeah! It’s a little of a shock, that’s all. Moving out of here. Maybe I’ll tell Brendon to move in, I really like this house.”
Ryan started ranting about redecorating and turning my room into a studio and I just watched him, hoping the knot in the pit of my stomach would go away already, but it didn’t. Why? I already told him and he’s fine with it, right? Why is the knot still there? Why do I feel like I wanted him to be more worried about it? Why did I want him to take it badly? I shook those thoughts off my head and started ranting along, deciding to simply ignore the knot. If I ignored it long enough it would maybe disappear or some shit.
After breakfast, Ryan took care of the dishes and I got back to my room to finish packing. It wasn’t easy, half of my stuff had something to do with Ryan. Pics, notebooks, drawings, songs, tales, old scripts… and I couldn’t seem to be able to get rid of them. I was re-reading one of my old journals when Ryan opened my door harshly and startled me to death.
“Geez!” Was all I said before he pulled me up and close to him kissing me hard and forcefully. I didn’t even have time to react to that.
“You can’t leave.” He said between kisses. “You just can’t.”
“Ryan-” I choked out while he hugged me tight and buried his face on my neck.
“Please. Stay with me.” He whispered.
“And Brendon?” I deadpanned.
“Fuck him…” Ryan sighed and looked at me again. “I don’t care, Sunny.” He said cupping my face. “All I need is you. Fuck Brendon and fuck William. Just stay.”
I shook my head and stepped back, not really knowing what to do. “Why now?”
“Because I’m stupid.” He bit his lip and watched me again. “I love you. And I’ve pushed back telling you so many times, hoping for it to go away, but it hasn’t. I still love you and I can’t lose you.”
“No.” I shook my head even faster, walking away from him. The knot in my stomach was tighter now and I felt like throwing up. “Ryan, no. You can’t do this to me now.”
“Sunshine…” He said softly walking close and reaching for my arm, but I slapped his hand and slid away.
“Stop it.” I glared at him, feeling the anger rise inside me. “You have no idea how long I waited for you to say that, you have no idea how bad and awful and terrible everything was for me and how hard it was to get over it. You just can’t do this to me now.” I covered my face in my hands taking deep breaths. “It’s not fair…”
“I’m so sorry, Sun.” Ryan whispered taking a few steps. “I was stupid and blind and I would change it if I could.”
“But you can’t.” I spat, staring blankly. Ryan sighed and looked down. I fell on the bed and buried my face in my hands again.
How long did we stay there in silence I don’t know, but it felt like hours. I was torn, part of me wanting to jump into Ryan’s arms and kiss him, love him and believe we could be happy for the rest of our lives. The other part wanted to kick his face for being stupid, grab my shit and leave that very same day.
And then… there was William. Who was sweet and kind, and made me smile, made me happy, made me feel important. I never used him to get over anyone and he managed to win me over without even trying. The first person I really could see myself spending the rest of my life with.
There was nothing to choose there: that decision was taken. I stood up and walked to Ryan, who was leaning on the wall.
“Hey.” I said taking his hand. He just took a breath and looked at me while I led him to sit on the floor besides one of the boxes. “See all that?”
“Yeah.”
“Everything inside that box has to do with you. All of it.” Ryan looked inside the box and smiled a little, roaming through the stuff. “We’ve been together for as long as I can remember. We’ve always been there of each other, side by side, picking us up and putting us back together. I don’t want that to change.”
“Me either.” He said quietly.
“The minute we changed this friendship for something else, something more, all of this would’ve turned to shit and you know it.”
“But at least--” He tried to speak, but I didn’t let him.
“You know it, Ryan. And maybe once I was willing to try, but not now.” I said while I took his hands between mines. “I love you, but not in [i]that[/i] way anymore.” I confessed and finally the knot in my stomach disappeared. Ryan sighed and looked down, gripping my hands. “And no, you’re not gonna lose me, whether we like it or not, we’re part of each other now. I mean, who was your first kiss?”
“And my date to prom.” He added with a smile.
“And the first time you went down on a woman.”
“Which was embarrassing and awkward, thank you very much.” We both giggled, feeling the tension subside.
“Besides, you still have to be my maid of honor.”
“I ain’t wearing pastels.” He deadpanned and I just busted out laughing.
“No pastels, check.” I smiled to Ryan and he smiled back. We didn’t say a word and just hugged each other into oblivion.
“Promise?”
“Pinky promise.”
I’m freaking out.
Only two weeks to go, our last final and… it’s over. I quit forever being a student and become a graduate. A graduate that has a secured job in LA, with a little LA house, boyfriend and the rest of her life ahead of her. But how the hell am I going to tell Ryan this?
I already knew he was back with Brendon and the plan was to stay in Vegas. Both of them had been trying different shows and performances in the casinos, so it was just a matter of time before someone would call Ryan and tell him he was hired. Every day he’d tell me so and I was a chicken who couldn’t tell him one of the best things that ever happened to me.
It was Sunday morning, William was in LA and I was trying to make all my stuff fit in boxes. It was going to be pretty obvious that I was leaving after this, so I had to build up the nerve to tell Ryan. After postponing the moment for a few hours, I heard his door creak open, his footsteps down the hall and his voice mumble a random song. And I followed.
“Morning.” I said leaning on the kitchen’s door frame.
“Morning, sunshine!” He chimed. “Want eggs?” He offered and I nodded, watching him go to the fridge and get extra eggs. I settled the table in the meanwhile, still trying to figure out how to say this. Ryan was still humming a song by the time we sat to the table and started eating.
“How’s work going?” I asked casually.
“Great. Bren and I are almost done with out project. How about you? Any word from LA?” That was the question I was dreading. Now or never, I said to myself.
“Ryan, there’s something I need to tell you.” I took a deep breath as he watched me, biting his eggs. “We- we got an answer from LA. Bill and I are hired.”
“Oh, my God! Sunny, that’s awesome!” Ryan said happily, but his face faded at seeing I wasn’t smiling. “What’s wrong then?”
“We have to be working full time by the end of the month, after we graduate. We already have an apartment and next weekend I’m moving all my stuff out of here.” I spoke facing the table, just cause I didn’t wanna see his face.
“I thought we were staying in Vegas.” Ryan said plainly.
“I thought that too, but-- Ryan, it’s a great offer and I can’t say no.” I bit my lip and looked at him sheepishly. He stared back blankly.
“It’s okay. I- I know you’ve wanted this. I get it.” He said venturing a smile that didn’t quite stay. “I mean, I can’t pretend for us to be attached by the hip the rest of our lives, right?” He smiled again, but he wasn’t looking at me.
“Are you okay?” I asked after a short pause.
“Yeah! It’s a little of a shock, that’s all. Moving out of here. Maybe I’ll tell Brendon to move in, I really like this house.”
Ryan started ranting about redecorating and turning my room into a studio and I just watched him, hoping the knot in the pit of my stomach would go away already, but it didn’t. Why? I already told him and he’s fine with it, right? Why is the knot still there? Why do I feel like I wanted him to be more worried about it? Why did I want him to take it badly? I shook those thoughts off my head and started ranting along, deciding to simply ignore the knot. If I ignored it long enough it would maybe disappear or some shit.
After breakfast, Ryan took care of the dishes and I got back to my room to finish packing. It wasn’t easy, half of my stuff had something to do with Ryan. Pics, notebooks, drawings, songs, tales, old scripts… and I couldn’t seem to be able to get rid of them. I was re-reading one of my old journals when Ryan opened my door harshly and startled me to death.
“Geez!” Was all I said before he pulled me up and close to him kissing me hard and forcefully. I didn’t even have time to react to that.
“You can’t leave.” He said between kisses. “You just can’t.”
“Ryan-” I choked out while he hugged me tight and buried his face on my neck.
“Please. Stay with me.” He whispered.
“And Brendon?” I deadpanned.
“Fuck him…” Ryan sighed and looked at me again. “I don’t care, Sunny.” He said cupping my face. “All I need is you. Fuck Brendon and fuck William. Just stay.”
I shook my head and stepped back, not really knowing what to do. “Why now?”
“Because I’m stupid.” He bit his lip and watched me again. “I love you. And I’ve pushed back telling you so many times, hoping for it to go away, but it hasn’t. I still love you and I can’t lose you.”
“No.” I shook my head even faster, walking away from him. The knot in my stomach was tighter now and I felt like throwing up. “Ryan, no. You can’t do this to me now.”
“Sunshine…” He said softly walking close and reaching for my arm, but I slapped his hand and slid away.
“Stop it.” I glared at him, feeling the anger rise inside me. “You have no idea how long I waited for you to say that, you have no idea how bad and awful and terrible everything was for me and how hard it was to get over it. You just can’t do this to me now.” I covered my face in my hands taking deep breaths. “It’s not fair…”
“I’m so sorry, Sun.” Ryan whispered taking a few steps. “I was stupid and blind and I would change it if I could.”
“But you can’t.” I spat, staring blankly. Ryan sighed and looked down. I fell on the bed and buried my face in my hands again.
How long did we stay there in silence I don’t know, but it felt like hours. I was torn, part of me wanting to jump into Ryan’s arms and kiss him, love him and believe we could be happy for the rest of our lives. The other part wanted to kick his face for being stupid, grab my shit and leave that very same day.
And then… there was William. Who was sweet and kind, and made me smile, made me happy, made me feel important. I never used him to get over anyone and he managed to win me over without even trying. The first person I really could see myself spending the rest of my life with.
There was nothing to choose there: that decision was taken. I stood up and walked to Ryan, who was leaning on the wall.
“Hey.” I said taking his hand. He just took a breath and looked at me while I led him to sit on the floor besides one of the boxes. “See all that?”
“Yeah.”
“Everything inside that box has to do with you. All of it.” Ryan looked inside the box and smiled a little, roaming through the stuff. “We’ve been together for as long as I can remember. We’ve always been there of each other, side by side, picking us up and putting us back together. I don’t want that to change.”
“Me either.” He said quietly.
“The minute we changed this friendship for something else, something more, all of this would’ve turned to shit and you know it.”
“But at least--” He tried to speak, but I didn’t let him.
“You know it, Ryan. And maybe once I was willing to try, but not now.” I said while I took his hands between mines. “I love you, but not in [i]that[/i] way anymore.” I confessed and finally the knot in my stomach disappeared. Ryan sighed and looked down, gripping my hands. “And no, you’re not gonna lose me, whether we like it or not, we’re part of each other now. I mean, who was your first kiss?”
“And my date to prom.” He added with a smile.
“And the first time you went down on a woman.”
“Which was embarrassing and awkward, thank you very much.” We both giggled, feeling the tension subside.
“Besides, you still have to be my maid of honor.”
“I ain’t wearing pastels.” He deadpanned and I just busted out laughing.
“No pastels, check.” I smiled to Ryan and he smiled back. We didn’t say a word and just hugged each other into oblivion.
“Promise?”
“Pinky promise.”
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