FicWad

I rarely do any story in direct relation to Valentines Day. There's a reason why: I don't like being reminded I'm single. So enjoy this romp into madness.



The Fairly Odd Parents- Valentine Dilemma


(Feb 14th…10:00 a.m. at the Turner Household, or specifically, in Timmy’s room.)

Narrator: We open this story to find our protagonists beginning yet another exciting day!
Cosmo: HEY! Who are you calling a protagonist? And who are you, a voyeur?
Narrator: Uh, no…I’m the story teller. The one telling people what’s about to happen. And you’re not supposed to be talking to me.
Cosmo: Oh, there are plenty of things I’m not supposed to do. Like let the dogs out, feed the little Mogwaii after midnight, cross the streams…you don’t see me listening to that advice, do you? (Wanda grabs her husband and pulls him back away from the camera.)
Wanda: Pardon my husband. He tends to not use what little common sense he has. Now come on, you have to help me get Poof ready for his first Valentine’s Day.
Cosmo: Wanda, do you think this is healthy for a young boy? Making him watch all of these Valentine’s Day specials on TV could warp his fragile little mind.
Wanda: I don’t think his mind can be warped so easily.
Cosmo: Maybe but…(Cosmo points out that Poof is armed with a little bow and arrow…and the room is practically peppered with arrows. Most of them are on fire.)
Wanda: I see what you mean. (Wanda poofs up a fire extinguisher and puts out the stray fires as Timmy emerges from the bathroom, whistling.)
Timmy: Good morning Cosmo and Wanda!
Wanda: You’re usually cheerful.
Cosmo: Yeah! That’s how all of Timmy’s Valentine’s Days starts. Then the crushing weight of a Trixie Tang rejection usually brings him down.
Timmy: And usually, you’d be right. But not today!
Wanda: Ah, I see you have another plan to try to impress Trixie Tang lined up and ready!
Timmy: Oh, you are right. I have a good plan. First, we just have to wait for our guest of honor to show up! Did he get the invitation?
Wanda: Yes but I don’t see why—
Timmy: Oh, you’ll soon see.

(A few seconds later, Cupid poofs into his room.)

Cupid: Ok, I’m here for the special V-Day brunch! Oh, Turner! I see someone is trying to butter me up.
Timmy: Do I look like I would be someone desperate enough to try to bribe Cupid in a bid to gain a girl’s affections?
Cupid: You don’t want the brutal truth, trust me.
Timmy: In any case, please, have a seat. (Timmy points to a table with a plate of waffles, coffee and hash browns on the side set up.)
Cupid: Well, I’ll bite…and chew and sip if need be. (Cupid sits down at the table and ties a bib around his neck.) So, if you’re not gonna try to bribe me, then just what are you gonna do?
Timmy: Just this! (Timmy presses a button on his wall. A large butterfly net has encased itself around Cupid.)
Cupid: Hmm, should have seen that coming.
Wanda: Timmy! Do you know what you’ve just done!
Timmy: Oh, I know what I’m doing! I kind of need Cupid out of the way just for a few hours. More than enough time to get Trixie to notice me!
Cupid: Oh, slick move junior! Of course, as you can see, I am unarmed. We suspected for a while you may actually try to pull this off.
Timmy: So, why didn’t you try to tag me with one of your arrows earlier?
Cupid: Where’s the fun in that?
Timmy: Anyway, he’s just one guy I need to get out of the way. Now it’s time for the other guy.
Cosmo: You mean Chester? I always wondered why Chester objected to you being around girls! Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
Timmy: Uh, no. Wanda, if you please.
Wanda: I was wondering why you wished for this thing. Here you go sport. (Wanda poofs a strange looking gun into Timmy’s hands.)
Timmy: Ok, time to tear reality a new one.
Narrator: And thus, Timmy Turner did rip reality a new one, as he reached into the infinite realms of parallel worlds to pull out the very being he sought.
Timmy: If it’s infinite, why does this gun make it so easy to track him down?
Narrator: I’m not the one who made it, I just read the script. Anyway, the person Timmy sought finally is dropped into his room!

(I am dropped, face first, onto the floor.)

Me: Oh crap…I can never get used to instant teleportation.
Timmy: Gotcha!
Me: What the hell—oh great, just what I needed. Look, Timmy, I was in the middle of some very important research for my next Danny Phantom chapter.
Timmy: According to this, you were looking at cosplay pics of girls dressed as Sailor Venus
Me: HEY! It has important significance to the story!
Timmy: Yeah, look, today’s Valentine’s Day and the last thing I need is for some fan fiction writer with a history of supporting Tootie to butt in.
Me: So, what, you’re just gonna poof me to your room and lock me in here?
Timmy: Close. (My hands are bound by rope.)
Me: Oh, well, there’s that.
Timmy: If you can’t type, you can’t do a thing to stop me.
Wanda: Wow, you really thought this one out.
Cosmo: Yeah, usually he has to rely on praying or blind luck. And that gets him in an even odder dilemma.
Me: Look, Timmy, I know I’m a bit, shall we say, obsessive, but trust me when I say I’m kind of looking out for you. See—
Timmy: No no, you’re not talking your way out of this one. (Timmy goes to his computer.) I just want to spend one day alone with Trixie Tang, the cutest girl in school. And I’ve spent months preparing all of the details of my perfect day with her. If you want to even try to set me up with another girl, feel free to do so. But not today!
Cupid: You know, this sort of dedication is admirable.
Timmy: See, even Cupid agrees with me. (Timmy turns to me, to see that I’m playing his copy of Guilty Gear XX.)
Me: Yeah, but don’t you think that maybe you’re overlooking other potential candidates. Sure, Tootie is obsessive, and possibly the most rabid Timmy fan I’ve ever met, but still—
Timmy: HOW DID YOU GET LOOSE?!
Me: Oh, flaming arrow. These things come in handy.
Timmy: Grrr…Cosmo, handcuffs.
Cosmo: I didn’t know you were into that kind of kinky game. (Cosmo poofs a pair of handcuffs on me.)
Timmy: Right. As long as the writer and Cupid here are out of the picture, nothing can go wrong.
Me: Wait a sec, are you telling me that you’re using a mix of magic and reality warping tech to steer the course of love in your favor because you think I’m gonna interfere?
Timmy: In a nutshell, yeah.
Me: I’m pretty positive this is against the rules of the universe.
Timmy: Screw the rules, I have fairies!
Wanda: He’s not using our magic to interfere with true love so he can technically get away with it.
Cosmo: Wait a second, you know that we’re Fairy Godparents, how come we’re not being whisked away in a taxi.
Me: Oh, that’s easy! (I pull out a copy of Da Rules.) See, fan fiction authors and authors are hereby recognized as a type of mystical being, since we seem not only to be able to breach realities when the need arises, but perceive realities and spaces not known to the common folk, a.k.a. Muggles. Therefore, we are immune from certain laws but must abide from certain guidelines of conduct so that the universes in question we observe and write about are not affected adversely. And in addition…
Timmy: You carry that around everywhere?
Me: No, only when I need to be funny. Like right now.
Timmy: Oh...wait, HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE HANDCUFFS?
Me: Sonic screwdriver. (I hold up a sonic screwdriver in my hands.) This thing is a wonder. Helps to keep one in your jacket at all times.
Timmy: Ugh…WANDA!
Wanda: I’m on it. (In a few seconds, I find myself, chained hand and foot, to a chair, sans jacket.)
Me: This is a bit much, don’t you think?
Timmy: Just what do you have in here anyway? Let’s see…sonic screwdriver, Da Rules, A Nintendo DS with a copy of Pokemon Pearl…a rather busted PSP..
Me: Can I ask you a favor?
Wanda: Sorry, I can’t replace the batteries, repair the analog stick or trade up for a new model. Sony’s been cracking down on us.
Me: Bastards.
Timmy: A Six Samurai Yu Gi Oh deck…Eclipse Gum…A Gem Beast YGO Deck…Naruto wallet…autographed picture of Hinata…a Portal gun?
Me: I have a license for that!
Timmy: Flash drive…CD of Ember McLain’s latest single…pictures of Ember McClain in a string bikini to be delivered to one Danny Fenton…and one zanpakuto?! Just how big are these pockets?
Me: You don’t want to know. And let’s keep the picture thing to ourselves, ok?
Cupid: Look, Timmy, you’ll have to face facts. You can’t just pick who you fall in love with.
Me: Yeah. And admit it, Tootie is not so bad. Once the hyperactive libido is toned down, she really is a sweet girl who likes you, despite the jerkassness you display at times. I’m fairly certain if you actually spent some time with her, she’s a pretty cool kid.
Timmy: I suppose you do have a point…
Me: Of course I do.
Timmy: But that can wait until next year!
Cupid: Don’t get too excited kid.
Me: Think about it: in all the plans you ever made, in all of the wishes you made in regards to Trixie Tang, just how many HAVE worked out for you?
Wanda: You know, he’s on to something. A lot of the Trixie Tang related wishes you made seem to blow up in your face.
Timmy: Really? I seem to recall a few wishes going in my way.
Me: Well, sorta. Let me explain. Computer, cue chart number 241408. (A large view screen pops up in front of Timmy.)
Timmy: Ok, I should be freaked out that you can make a computer screen pop up out of nowhere in the middle of my room, but I am not.
Me: It’s amazing the benefits you get when you are a friend of Washu. Anyway, as you can see, over the past few years, whatever wishes you make in relation to Trixie Tang seems to go in one of several directions. One, it blows up in your face. In one case, it almost ate your face. Two, you wind up even more miserable than before and you cancel the wish. Three, she does give you acknowledgement, but not in the way you hoped. And then there’s four, where it does make you happy, but just barely.
Cupid: And as you can see, in regards to any wish you make in relation to Tootie, it actually kinds of works out better than we expected. Or, whatever effect you originally had in mind, it reverses itself and makes her actually like you more.
Timmy: You guys spent an awful lot of research on this.
Me: What can I say, I’m obsessive about details. You ought to see me theories on Azula.
Cupid: In any case, we really don’t have to do too much to get you set up with someone. Seems like the universe has that under control.
Timmy: I don’t think I’m too fond of the idea that I’m not in control of the people I want to date.
Cupid: Silly, if you can control love, the world would be a lot duller.
Me: Yeah. Love is unpredictable, and prone to sudden fluctuations. We can only, at best, hope the one we want to like sees us for what we truly are and accept us for that. I’m sure Trixie is a nice girl, but she kind of likes you as a friend at best. But then again, who am I to say she’s not right for you?
Timmy: Oh great, I’m getting relationship advice from a guy whose hobby is it to interfere or write stories that usually involve epic, insanely brutal comic violence.
Me: You read that Inspector Gadget story, huh?
Timmy: I didn’t think you could get any more violent with that one.
Me: You’re not the only one I’ve kind of try to aid. A friend of mine is about to make a HUGE mistake involving his wife.
Timmy: So, what did you do?
Me: Called in a couple of favors from some old pals.

(Somewhere in the Marvel Universe…)

Mephisto: Come on Peter, it’s simple. Just say yes, and your Aunt May will be saved from death’s door.
Peter: Well, I’m at the end of my rope…and if all it means to save her is to sacrifice my marriage to M.J. and reset it all, then…
?: DYNAMIC ENTRY!!!!!

(Deadpool enters, kicking Mephisto in the face with a flying kick.)

Peter: Deadpool? What in the---
Deadpool: No time to explain, True Believer! Doreen, now!!

(Squirrels of various shapes and sizes gang up on Mephisto as Squirrel Girl enters.)

Mephisto: GAH!!!! GET THESE VERMIN OFF OF ME!!!
S. Girl: Wow, just in time!
Deadpool: What the heck were you thinking, kiddo! You were gonna wish away 20 years of established storylines for this?!
Peter: I didn’t have a choice!
Deadpool: BULLCRAP!!! This would have been worse than that Black Suit movie of you they made! Gah, what was Raimi thinking?
Peter: What are you talking about?
S. Girl: Trust me, I’ve seen what he’s seen. It’s not pretty what’s going to happen! We need to get you back to Earth to help us with the Skrull Invasion…
Deadpool: No, first we’re going back in time to stop Cap from getting capped! Then, we’re tracking down Joe Quesada and making him pay for nearly ruining She Hulk and taking away Jean Grey from us.
Peter: I’m sure this will make sense…someday.
S. Girl: Come on, I’ll fill you in.
Mephisto: Uh, a little help here, SOMEONE?...now I know how Doom and Thanos felt.

(Back to Timmy’s house…)

Timmy: Ok, maybe you’re onto something. If I give each of the girls a chance, maybe I can figure out who is best for me. There’s speed dating, I could do that. Of course, I need to find a way of getting Trixie to go along with it.
Cupid: Uh…I think you need to tell him.
Timmy: Oh no…you did something before I pulled you here, didn’t you?
Me: Maybe. I may have also had a little help. (Wanda begins whistling.)
Timmy: Wanda, how could you?
Wanda: Oh lighten up sport. It’s not as bad as you think. And it wasn’t my idea, he practically dreamed it up. (Wanda points to Cosmo.)
Cosmo: Oh, like you’re not the only one who come up with a complex plan.

(A month prior, at my home. Cosmo poofs in.)

Me: Hey Cosmo.
Cosmo: Whatca doing?
Me: Creating the draft for a Danny Phantom story arc where Danny goes to Japan to be stronger.
Cosmo: Sounds cool. Want to help me set up my godchild on a blind date with a random girl?
Me: Meh, why not?

(Present Day.)

Timmy: Wow. No one could have expected that.
Me: So, I set the plan into motion. I made a few calls and, well, in a minute you will see…

(Precisely 1 minute later, Trixie, Tootie and Veronica all arrive at the front of the Turner household.)

Trixie: What are you doing here?
Tootie: I was promised a free all expenses paid date with the man of my dream if I were to go to this location at this time! What about you?
Trixie: I was also promised the same thing. What about you Veronica?
Veronica: I was, uh, just here to borrow sugar…and something about a free date. (Timmy looks outside his window.)
Timmy: Wow, you got three of them to show up.
Me: It would have been 4, but the jury is still out on Molly.
Cupid: Also, Jimmy Neutron said if we brought Cindy here, he’d sic rabid Llamas on us.
Me: At least we didn’t try to set you up with Vicky.
Timmy: Uhh, yeah, thanks for that.
Me: I’ve gotta ask, when I first started watching, she seemed t be content with just bullying and torturing you. Now she outright wants you dead. And she was actually afraid of her parents! One movie later, she’s making them afraid of her. What the hell?
Timmy: You know, you have a point. What is up with that?
Narrator: And with that question put out, part of the reality of Timmy’s world has become undone, as if the logic itself had corrected a great and unseen mistake, resulting in the following scene.

(Outside, the 3 girls watch as Vicky’s parents, both armed with pitchforks, give chase to her.)

Vicky: WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
Trixie: What just happened?
Tootie: Someone asked a question that adversely corrected a flaw in our reality.
Trixie: Oh. Never mind. So, what now? (Jorgen appears.)
Jorgen: LADIES!!! It is time for a special Valentines Day contest!
Veronica: Who’s the incredibly buff man in the cupid toga?
Jorgen: I am the master of ceremonies here! And since you all are here I will explain the purpose of this nonsensical event! We are giving away what is the greatest Valentine’s Date ever. You and your date will be subject to a romantic stroll trough Dimmsdale Park in a unicorn drawn carriage, spend dinner at Chef Morimoto’s, the highest rated restaurant in Dimmsdale and dance the night away in the most exclusive night club!
Trixie: Wow. That sounds pretty expensive.
Tootie: The unicorns are a bit much.
Veronica: I know.
Jorgen: And all you have to do is go on this date is agree to go on it with one random boy…who just happens to be a resident of this house, who, as I stated before, has been chosen randomly, and not part of a scheme to set him up with one of you 3.
Tootie: You mean, in order to go on the perfect dream date of a lifetime, all I have to do is agree to go out with Timmy?
Jorgen: Well, that, and fight it out in a drag down, bare knuckle brawl with the other girls.
Trixie: On the one hand, it’s Timmy Turner we’re talking about. On the other hand, it is a wonderful date and I don’t think it would be too bad if---
Veronica: DYNAMIC ENTRY!!!! (Veronica jump kicks Trixie in the face.) THE DATE IS MINE!!!
Trixie: Oh, you wanna play rough do you? (Trixie pulls out a pair of nunchucks.) BRING IT BITCH!!!
Tootie: This was going to happen one way or another, wasn’t it?
Jorgen: I blame the writer. His methods usually involving blood loss.

(Back in Timmy’s room.)

Timmy: So, basically, this is what you planned all this time. All three girls who have either a passing or fanatical interest in me battling it out.
Cupid: Uh, yeah.
Timmy: You mean to tell me you went out of your way to set this up so that it would be up to fate to decide who I spend the day with.
Me: Well, when you sate it like that, I guess.
Timmy: I’m sure this is against the fan fiction rules of non interference.
Me: Screw the rules, I have a keyboard.
Timmy: Man, I’m gonna need a third party to sort this out.
Me: May I make a suggestion on who you can consult?

(A few seconds later, Sokka is deposited into the room.)

Sokka: What in the world am I doing here?
Me: Hey Sokka.
Sokka: Oh, you. I should have known.
Timmy: Look, I kind of need your advice. I’ve got 3 girls fighting over me and…
Sokka: You too? Man, do I know how that feels. Let me have a look. (Sokka peeks outside.) Yup, that’s pretty bad. Level 3 bad, but it could be worse. You could end up with a sociopath with mother issues.
Me: Azula again?
Sokka: I thought Zuko had it bad with the Zutara movement. Say, why are you in a chair chained up like that?
Me: Long story. That reminds me. (The chains and shackles fall off as I rise from the chair.) I think I have to check in and see how Naruto and Hinata are doing.
Timmy: I know better than to ask how you got out of that.
Me: So, can you help Timmy out?
Sokka: Well, I guess I can give some advice.

(34 minutes later…)

Cosmo: Why 34 minutes?
Me: Because in these sort of situations, it always ending up in numerals of 0 or 5. That’s just DULL. 34 sound about right.
Sokka: And that is how I keep them all happy.
Timmy: Wow that was more deep and mature than I expected of you.
Sokka: Hey, my first girlfriend turns into the moon. That sort of thing matures you real quick. And those 3 have been going at it for some time.
Me: So, what have we learned Timmy?
Timmy: I’ve learned several things. One, you are a completely random person who may or may not delight in influencing the events of universes indirectly. Two, rending the laws of physics and reality is quite fun, if not a bit chaotic. Three, Cosmo may be more dangerous than we all know…
Cosmo: Sink one continent and you’re a pariah..
Timmy: And four, I should really learn to expand my horizons and sometimes let the chips fall where they may. Sure, I may like Trixie now, but she may turn out to be some homicidal attention starved freak who will horribly massacre me if I dump her.
Sokka: You mean she’s not?
Timmy: Long story. So, what the hell, I’ll go long with this contest. It could be a lot of fun.
Me: Good to hear.
Cupid: That is incredibly mature of you. Uh, could you let me out now, I have a world of love to attend to.
Timmy: Sure. (Cupid is released from his butterfly net prison.)
Me: Wow, that fight is getting pretty ugly.
Sokka: I did not know Trixie was capable of smashing another girl’s face into the side of a car like that.
Me: I am surprised Veronica could take that kind of punishment.
Wanda: In any event, it could go either way.
Timmy: Yeah…that’s not even remotely close to what is gonna happen, is it?
Me: No, it’s not.
Tootie: Doton: Doryūdan!!!

(A large, dragon shaped head pops out from the ground and fires mud bullets at Trixie and Veronica, knocking them into the sky. Timmy, Sokka and I head downstairs.)

Sokka: Wow. That was excessive.
Me: I have to agree.
Timmy: Well, she is the Ninja of Love (Timmy is almost tackled in an embrace by Tootie.)
Tootie: Timmy!!! Guess, what, I won the most incredible Valentine’s Day date for the two of us!!
Timmy: Ok, ok, calm down, I’ll go with you.
Me: I can’t help but think about something.
Sokka: You mean how all you did today may have had a negative effect on the fragile strings of reality that binds the universe together? I was thinking that too.
Timmy: Well, I’m sure it can’t be too bad,

(It is then that a large portal opens and Cthulhu appears.)

Timmy: Ok, maybe I was wrong.
Cthulhu: Foolish mortals!!! I am now awakened from my countless years of slumber on the oceans floor to destroy man’s world!!
Me: Geez, we’re gonna need proton packs, a roller coaster and a freaking large lightning storm, stat!
Cthulhu: Now, mortals, bear witness to the end of your miserable planet as I tear your minds asunder and consume your souls, then I shall—
Tootie: Do it.
???: Getsuga Tenshō!!!

(Cthulhu’s body is utterly and completely destroyed as a massive black wave of energy wipes him out. Sam Manson, in a Soul Reaper uniform, appears, zanpakuto in hand.)

Tootie: I had her on speed dial in case something like this happened.
Me: Did you just kill Cthulhu?!
Sam: Yeah, seems like it.
Sokka: I’m certain that is against the rules of some universe.
Sam: Screw the rules, I have a zanpakuto! Now then, why the hell were you delivering a series of pictures of Ember to Danny?
Me: Uh oh…you saw, huh?
Sam: Oh yeah.
Timmy: I’m sure he has a real good explanation.
Me: I do. See---IT WAS HIS IDEA!!! (I point to Box Ghost.)
B. Ghost: What?! I’m not even supposed to be here today!
Sam: Too bad. Then again, I do need the workout. (Sam dons a Hollow mask.)
Timmy: Wow…didn’t see that one coming.

(Box Ghost flees for his life as Sam chases him.)

END!!!