Frank walked two fingers up my face, resting his pointer finger on my lips. He looked up at me with those soft eyes I'd fallen in love with and whispered, "Love you forever, Gerard."
"Love you 'til the end," I whispered back, taking a deep breath and sighing with happiness. This was love. This was what everyone was in search for, and I was just lucky enough to find it at twenty-two years of age.
A strong breeze blew, the waves were real high that day. We sat on a blanket, located on the Jersey Shore, and we talked about bands, school, everything, pausing for kisses when we thought we were alone.
I dream about that day, sitting in the afternoon sun of September with him. He seemed so happy...
Although, I learned things aren't always what they seem... I do remember some strange comments and questions coming from those lips, now that I think about it. Things about death, or 'what if i died tomorrow?' kind of things. I pushed them aside, thinking nothing of them.
But his words came back to haunt me, as with everything else.
Today marks one year and one month.
Percentage of how much I'm over Frank Iero; about a seven point three.
Mikey came by today to bring me some new art supplies. We both know that mom sent him to check on me, everyone knew. It was all because Frank was gone.
I never told my mom what actually went on between Frank and I. You know, that we were more then 'best friends'. Not that she would have gone all preachy on me about gay relationships. She seemed open enough, always defending a homosexual when my father made a mean comment about one.
Oh, which reminds me. The first time dad met Frank. It went like this;
Frank and I were in my apartment, getting really, uh, into it when there's a little tap on the door. Both of us jump off the couch and I run to the kitchen and look through the little hole in the door, that I don't know the name of. It's my dad.
So I turn the nob and pull open the door and act excited to see him. I'm all, 'What a surprise! So nice of you to drop by!' and dad gives me a hug.
"You ready to go?" Dad asked me, and suddenly I remembered that we had planned to go out to lunch together today.
So I, honest and up front, tell him, "Wow, I completely forgot about lunch," (appologetic face) "Do you mind if my, uh... friend came along?"
Dad gives a little smile and says, "Hm, a... /friend/." He totally thought it was a girl. "Yeah, sure, of course."
I nod and say, "Hey Frank, wanna go to lunch with me and my dad?"
Frank pops up in the doorway, and says, "Uh," and widens his eyes at me.
Oh, yeah. He still had a bit of a situation... /down there/. You know, when guys get excited, things tend to get a little stiff.
I giggle a little and quickly think of what to do. "I'm just going to get my sweatshirt." I tell me father, then turn to Frank and say, "Can you help me find it?"
He nods his head really fast and we fast walk to my bedroom. I say urgently, "Just think of something gross to get rid of it!"
Frank closes his eyes. "Come out when you're ready," I say, pulling my arms in my sweatshirt.
"Heheh /come/," he giggles.
"Seriously, Frank!" I hissed, then left the room. As I approached my dad, I zipped up my sweatshirt.
"What's you're friend doing?" Dad asked, pointing down the hall.
I froze. I couldn't think up anything in a few seconds about why my 'friend' was in my bedroom. I was blank and became parnoid, staring at my dads curious face. Looking at the floor, I recovered, and say, "Wrapping up a gift that he has to bring to someone after lunch."
Then I meet dad's eyes again.
"Who's it for?"
"Um," I pause, "Girlfriend."
"Ah," he smiles and gives a slight nod.
We stand there for a few minutes, until Frank walks out the door with a triumphant look on his face.
"So what'd you get her?" my father asks, wasting no time. He loved getting to know my friends.
Frank furrowed his brow in confusion, so I say, "You know, the gift for your girlfriend..."
"Uh... oh! You know, just some, uh... a cat."
I remember thinking, /oh lord/, and wanting to laugh.
"You... you wrapped a cat?" my dad asked, trying to detect a lie that he knew was in the air.
"No!" I say, covering for Frank and I. "The, uh, supplies. You know. She'll open that stuff first, then he brings in... the cat..."
"Hm. That's nice," dad says. "I'm Donald, by the way. No pun intented."
I roll my eyes when my dad's not looking.
Frank gives a polite little laugh, "I'm Frank."
I head for the door. "Let's go, I'm starved."
And that was that. From then on, Dad always asked Frank about how his girlfriend was liking the cat... Frank and I had concocted a whole story about his girlfriend, 'Amy'. Her cat's name was Jingles.
Things like that are why I loved Frankie so much. And why I can't move on. Why every morning I roll over and pretend he's still there. I know it's bad that I can't just get over him, but it would be worse to just forget him... though it was already beginning to happen. I was beginning to forget what his breath felt like on my neck. What his kisses tasted like. How his warmth made me feel.
"Pencils are good, the ones you wanted, right?" Mikey asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Um, yeah," I told me, sipping from my coffee. It tasted funny. My brother watched my every move as I stood up to get more cream.
"I saw Jean down at the grocery store today," he said, making conversation. Jean was my old friend from high school.
"Mmm," I mumbled, a failed attempt at sounding interested.
We were both silent. Mikey played with a napkin, I sat back down across from him and stared into the warm drink.
"It's been a year," Mikey finally said. I was wondering when he would.
"A year and one month," I corrected him bitterly.
More silence. "Well," he said, "Don't you think he'd want you to recover. To be happy?"
"No," I answered flatly.
Sighing, he said, "You should get out and meet someone."
"Can you please leave, Mikey," I begged. "I'll get better when it's time. Just please go."
"I'm not leaving you alone, because I'm afraid I could lose you the same way..."
I continued staring into my coffee mug. Standing up, I said, "Maybe it would be best for everyone. Then downer Gerard would be gone and everyone could get back on with their lives," then left the kitchen and went in my bedroom.
Mikey followed and stood in the doorway. He told me, "I promise to leave you alone for a while as long as you don't try anything..."
"Just let me sleep," I said, desperation in my voice.
Soon after I heard him leave.
Then I curled into a ball, shivering slightly, wanting to cry. I took a breath in, longing for the comfort that I've been missing. "Frankie, hold me," I said to the unoccupied space next to me, closed my eyes, and imagined that he was here.
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