FicWad

I don’t know why I do it, really.

I guess people just have their quirks, their addictions, their characteristics.

This is mine.

I don’t enjoy obsessing like a melodramatic teenager; I don’t like biting my nails. I don’t like shopping out of my budget. That’s not me. THIS is.

When you think about it, it’s not that unhealthy.

I’m not trying to kill myself.

I’m sure they will find a cure for smoking later on in life, anyway.

…Maybe a replacement lung or a rental lung:

“Excuse me; I need to rent one lung please. Chuck in a liver too, my one’s looking a bit old.”

As for the other part, it won’t kill me if I stay in control.

What’s a little blood, anyway?

It’s not like I’m cutting my arteries; Just making pretty designs.

WHY do I do it?

It’s relaxing. It relaxes me.

Then why am I shaking?

Maybe another cigarette will stop that. I’ll let the light-headedness take over. Complete serenity.

…Nope, still shaking.

...Another cigarette, then. It’s bound to work eventually.

The shakes come in tremors; Starting in my midsection and forcing itself outwards.

I probably look very silly right now…My head resting on the edge of my bed, my knees on the ground. I’m making this weird shaking wave with my body as each tremor pushes its way through.

Maybe they’ll turn it into a hip-hop move.

My heart is beating pretty fast. Too fast? Don’t ask me. I’m not a professor in heart beats per minute.

Perhaps if I hold my breath, my heart will slow down…

My lungs are making lurching movements, trying to draw in some air. I should breathe. That was a pretty silly idea.

Wow. I didn’t realize that would happen. Who would have thought holding your breath would make you hyperventilate?

I should stop breathing so fast and so deep. I think my head is getting too much oxygen.

But then again, maybe I’ll faint and I won’t have to worry about shaking anymore.

I’ll just lie down on the floor.

Mmm. Everything is spinning.

Wait! Where’s that blasted thing?

Ah. There it is.

Whoops. My hand is shaking too much; I can’t get a firm hold. Who made the metal so thin? Maybe I should hold my breath again. I can’t hyperventilate if I can’t breathe, can I?

There we go. Just a small cut. It’s a little jagged.

Note to self: Don’t use razor when dizzy and shaky.

All my floor-dwelling possessions are in doubles.

I’ll just close my eyes.

I can’t even feel the pain. I can visualize the droplets of blood crawling down my arm.

Did I just laugh?

At least my breath is normal now. Wait…I’m not breathing at all.

I couldn’t be bothered. It’s so much easier just to lie here, smiling and shaky.

Oh fine. I’ll breathe.

As I said, I’m not out to kill myself.

I’m so at peace.

I guess that’s why I do it.