Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Promises are much harder to keep than you could imagine.
Chapter 4.
"If it's something you need to talk about, you know i'm always here." he said softly. I nodded knowing fully well that he would be. I spent last couple of years of my life repairing myself from damage I went through. Not only the outside, but the internal scars as well. I admit that for last year I lived in shame. I looked directly at him and prepared to tell someone about my past when I vowed to never bring it up. But if it was anyone I could trust; it was Bob.
"Umm...When I was growing up, life was good. My mom and dad were happy. I had friends, everything. My dad was the best person in the world. He was funny, sweet. My mom was amazing as well. They were both poets, so naturally I lived in awe. I could still remember the day when my dad first taught me how to read." I smiled just alittle at the thought of my dad. The smile dissapeared when I spoke again.
"Then it changed. On October 12, I was waiting on the front porch for my dad. Aimee and Anaiah were only 2 and 4 years old when he was around. He was supposed to come home from California, he was going up there to visit my Grandpa. I sat there for two hours. He was supposed to be home way earlier than that. I shrugged it off as maybe it was traffic or something. When two more hours passed, I began to get worried. I looked at mom but she didn't think much of it. Then, a police car came. The officer came out and walked to us with a sad look on his face. I remember my stomach twisting itself into a knot. He asked my mom to follow him a couple steps away from us. I held on to Aimee and Anaiah when my mom collasped into the officer's arms. My dad was crossing an intersection when a drunk driver came full speed at him. The impact was so brutal that they think he died instantly." I paused as tears began seeping out my eyes. I quickly wiped them away as Bob's fingers rubbed on my arms tenderly.
"And I stopped living for awhile, after the funeral. I didn't play with my friends or go out like most teenagers do. I hardly came out of my room at all. I just sat there looking at the picture of him smiling while fishing. I wasn't me anymore, I was someone else. Someone who lost their purpose for the world. It became even worse when my mom started drinking. She would wait until we went to sleep to do it, and then the next morning I would find her on the couch passed out with an empty bottle of Vodka in her hands. We both became distant. I watched over Aimee and Anaiah mostly while she still managed to go to work. It wasn't until the night she met Jack. She brought him home and expected us to act like nothing was wrong. She kept bringing him over and over to the point where he eventually moved in. It wasn't a big deal at first, he seemed okay. But soon we all saw the violent side of him. He hit my mom once and then she continued to let him stay. He got so out of control that he......started hitting me too. My mom became so depressed and drunk, it was like she wasn't even there. She became addicted to prescription pills. I always told my sisters to run under the bed so they were out of sight. I tried so hard to do everything right, but it never was. I was protecting my sisters, but no one was protecting me. But that one night was the worst of all the beatings he gave me. It was two days before my birthday. He had gotten drunk and so did my mom. He came in and he....he grabbed me by the hair and forced me on the bed. He....raped me. He continued doing it for 3 years."
I choked on tears. I hid my face from shame and embarrassment from Bob. I couldn't bare to look at him incase he was disgusted. Bob put his hand under my chin so that I was looking directly into his eyes and I was trying to read his expression, but couldn't find one. He nodded me to go on, knowing that I had so much more to say.
"I didn't go to anyone. I was hardly in school, I felt so disgusted with myself, that I thought everyone would see it that way too. I lived in silence for so long, that I used to wonder if maybe I deserved it..." I said softly. I gasped as Bob grabbed me by the shoulders gently and looked right at me.
"It was NEVER your fault, do you understand me? You did nothing wrong. It was his fault. Such a sick bastard. You never deserved something like that." he said firmly. I nodded to him, suprised by his tone.
"Alissa?"
"Yes?" I whispered.
"Anaiah said you promised. What did she mean?" Bob stared at me intently and that only made it harder. He had released his grip off my shoulders.
"When we were younger, I promised that when I was older, I would come back for them, so they could live with me. We would be happy." I whispered the last part and suddenly bursted into tears.
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?! everything! Don't you understand! it's all my fault."
"Why is it your fault?"
"Because! I'm a terrible sister! I left them there, and now they went through the one thing I never wanted for them. I'm fucking selfish!"
"You are not selfish! you were only taking care of yourself, like you should be. Your an amazing sister. You did everything you could to protect them when it happened."
"What about now?! They need me and I don't know what do!" I was raising my voice and I hated it. Bob was only trying to console me, and i'm lashing out at him.
"I'm sorry." I put my head in my hands while Bob's hand rubbed the small of my back.
"They need me." was all I could manage to say.
"I know." he said meekly.
"But how? what if my mom finds them or Jack. There's school, and the rest of their things. Work! What about my school and your work? this is too much."
"Babe, we can work something out. You obviously don't want your sisters going back. We will find a way." Gah! he was right. I can't let my sisters go back now. I sighed and gave several deep breaths.
"Bob?" I asked softly.
"Yes, love?"
"Why are you so good to me? Of all the things that went wrong in my life, I was still able to have you. Why?" I half smiled. Bob rolled his eyes and gave a small laugh.
"Because.." he said grabbing my hand and putting it on his heart.
"Because you're the only one who could make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. You're the only one who is fully able to understand a guy like me. And I love you." he smiled. I pulled him in for a kiss then rested my head on his shoulder. I really don't deserve someone as good as Bob.
"I love you too." We broke apart by the sound of meowing and scratching at the front door. I opened the door to find Calico giving me one of his famous glares. I'm guessing this one was 'How dare you keep me out the room, you know damn well I sleep here too.' I shook my head and watched him get cozy next to Bob. Bob ruffled his fur before grabbing Calico's mouse toy.
I smiled and walked back out of the room where I carefully opened the door to find my two sisters sleeping safe and sound in the full size bed. I walked closer and slowly pulled the comforter up to their chins and smoothed their hair aside. I gave each of them a kiss on the cheek and watched their little bodies breathe at a steady pace. I never felt more relieved to know they were with me right now. If it's where they're meant to be, I now know I can do this. I just hope someone special's on my side.
"I'm gonna figure it all out. I'm keeping that promise. I love you." I whispered and walked back out closing the door halfway. I nestled into the bed where Bob was asleep already also.
"I love you too." I whispered to him. I layed my head down on the pillow while time passed. But I stayed awake thinking of ways to help my family.
And so far...I had none.
"If it's something you need to talk about, you know i'm always here." he said softly. I nodded knowing fully well that he would be. I spent last couple of years of my life repairing myself from damage I went through. Not only the outside, but the internal scars as well. I admit that for last year I lived in shame. I looked directly at him and prepared to tell someone about my past when I vowed to never bring it up. But if it was anyone I could trust; it was Bob.
"Umm...When I was growing up, life was good. My mom and dad were happy. I had friends, everything. My dad was the best person in the world. He was funny, sweet. My mom was amazing as well. They were both poets, so naturally I lived in awe. I could still remember the day when my dad first taught me how to read." I smiled just alittle at the thought of my dad. The smile dissapeared when I spoke again.
"Then it changed. On October 12, I was waiting on the front porch for my dad. Aimee and Anaiah were only 2 and 4 years old when he was around. He was supposed to come home from California, he was going up there to visit my Grandpa. I sat there for two hours. He was supposed to be home way earlier than that. I shrugged it off as maybe it was traffic or something. When two more hours passed, I began to get worried. I looked at mom but she didn't think much of it. Then, a police car came. The officer came out and walked to us with a sad look on his face. I remember my stomach twisting itself into a knot. He asked my mom to follow him a couple steps away from us. I held on to Aimee and Anaiah when my mom collasped into the officer's arms. My dad was crossing an intersection when a drunk driver came full speed at him. The impact was so brutal that they think he died instantly." I paused as tears began seeping out my eyes. I quickly wiped them away as Bob's fingers rubbed on my arms tenderly.
"And I stopped living for awhile, after the funeral. I didn't play with my friends or go out like most teenagers do. I hardly came out of my room at all. I just sat there looking at the picture of him smiling while fishing. I wasn't me anymore, I was someone else. Someone who lost their purpose for the world. It became even worse when my mom started drinking. She would wait until we went to sleep to do it, and then the next morning I would find her on the couch passed out with an empty bottle of Vodka in her hands. We both became distant. I watched over Aimee and Anaiah mostly while she still managed to go to work. It wasn't until the night she met Jack. She brought him home and expected us to act like nothing was wrong. She kept bringing him over and over to the point where he eventually moved in. It wasn't a big deal at first, he seemed okay. But soon we all saw the violent side of him. He hit my mom once and then she continued to let him stay. He got so out of control that he......started hitting me too. My mom became so depressed and drunk, it was like she wasn't even there. She became addicted to prescription pills. I always told my sisters to run under the bed so they were out of sight. I tried so hard to do everything right, but it never was. I was protecting my sisters, but no one was protecting me. But that one night was the worst of all the beatings he gave me. It was two days before my birthday. He had gotten drunk and so did my mom. He came in and he....he grabbed me by the hair and forced me on the bed. He....raped me. He continued doing it for 3 years."
I choked on tears. I hid my face from shame and embarrassment from Bob. I couldn't bare to look at him incase he was disgusted. Bob put his hand under my chin so that I was looking directly into his eyes and I was trying to read his expression, but couldn't find one. He nodded me to go on, knowing that I had so much more to say.
"I didn't go to anyone. I was hardly in school, I felt so disgusted with myself, that I thought everyone would see it that way too. I lived in silence for so long, that I used to wonder if maybe I deserved it..." I said softly. I gasped as Bob grabbed me by the shoulders gently and looked right at me.
"It was NEVER your fault, do you understand me? You did nothing wrong. It was his fault. Such a sick bastard. You never deserved something like that." he said firmly. I nodded to him, suprised by his tone.
"Alissa?"
"Yes?" I whispered.
"Anaiah said you promised. What did she mean?" Bob stared at me intently and that only made it harder. He had released his grip off my shoulders.
"When we were younger, I promised that when I was older, I would come back for them, so they could live with me. We would be happy." I whispered the last part and suddenly bursted into tears.
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?! everything! Don't you understand! it's all my fault."
"Why is it your fault?"
"Because! I'm a terrible sister! I left them there, and now they went through the one thing I never wanted for them. I'm fucking selfish!"
"You are not selfish! you were only taking care of yourself, like you should be. Your an amazing sister. You did everything you could to protect them when it happened."
"What about now?! They need me and I don't know what do!" I was raising my voice and I hated it. Bob was only trying to console me, and i'm lashing out at him.
"I'm sorry." I put my head in my hands while Bob's hand rubbed the small of my back.
"They need me." was all I could manage to say.
"I know." he said meekly.
"But how? what if my mom finds them or Jack. There's school, and the rest of their things. Work! What about my school and your work? this is too much."
"Babe, we can work something out. You obviously don't want your sisters going back. We will find a way." Gah! he was right. I can't let my sisters go back now. I sighed and gave several deep breaths.
"Bob?" I asked softly.
"Yes, love?"
"Why are you so good to me? Of all the things that went wrong in my life, I was still able to have you. Why?" I half smiled. Bob rolled his eyes and gave a small laugh.
"Because.." he said grabbing my hand and putting it on his heart.
"Because you're the only one who could make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. You're the only one who is fully able to understand a guy like me. And I love you." he smiled. I pulled him in for a kiss then rested my head on his shoulder. I really don't deserve someone as good as Bob.
"I love you too." We broke apart by the sound of meowing and scratching at the front door. I opened the door to find Calico giving me one of his famous glares. I'm guessing this one was 'How dare you keep me out the room, you know damn well I sleep here too.' I shook my head and watched him get cozy next to Bob. Bob ruffled his fur before grabbing Calico's mouse toy.
I smiled and walked back out of the room where I carefully opened the door to find my two sisters sleeping safe and sound in the full size bed. I walked closer and slowly pulled the comforter up to their chins and smoothed their hair aside. I gave each of them a kiss on the cheek and watched their little bodies breathe at a steady pace. I never felt more relieved to know they were with me right now. If it's where they're meant to be, I now know I can do this. I just hope someone special's on my side.
"I'm gonna figure it all out. I'm keeping that promise. I love you." I whispered and walked back out closing the door halfway. I nestled into the bed where Bob was asleep already also.
"I love you too." I whispered to him. I layed my head down on the pillow while time passed. But I stayed awake thinking of ways to help my family.
And so far...I had none.
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