FicWad

Thank you for all your comments, exams are coming up so if I'm slow on updating, or slower than usual, blame them. Enjoy.

22.

Gerard had managed to convince my parents to let him stay. He behaved himself though, well as much as he could. He ended up in bed with me, kissing me softly until I fell asleep. You've never had a good night sleep until you've experienced falling asleep like that. He was so gentle, kissing my eyelids, my nose, my lips, my chin. As if he was grateful for my very existence. I wish we could've stayed in bed forever together. Never have to answer to anyone ever again. But that just doesn't happen in reality.

All it took was my mom mentioning Nina, and me stupidly going along with her the next morning to upset the balance. "Gerard I just said it to shut her up, come on, you know that." I pleaded. We were in the bathroom, Gerard was washing his face viciously, obsessively. "Gerard, I don't like her, I'm fucking in love with you for goodness sakes, why does this upset you so much?" He knew I couldn't come out and Nina was a nice cover anyway, he should be grateful for her. "So what? You'll end up dating her? Fucking her? Marrying her? But you'll really be in love with me." He said mockingly, he had red lines down his face now, he was starting to use his nails. "Gerard, baby stop." I said grabbing his arms and spinning him around. "It's only you okay?" I said caressing his face. "Yeah." He said sighing, I could tell that this wasn't the end of this discussion. I ran my fingers through his hair and splayed my fingers over the scratches on his face, while he closed his eyes and whimpered.

We walked silently to school that day, Gerard was thinking. There was no mindless singing, dancing. No constant chatter from his pink shining lips. I wanted to reach out and hold him, make him talk to me, make him open up. But we had reached school, and I wasn't brave enough to so much as say goodbye as he walked away. He needed me, I knew he did. Whatever the reason he had such a problem with Nina, it was hurting him. He didn't understand though. He didn't know what it was like being raised by my parents, with their rules and expectations. It's like now that I've met him, he's made me realize just how pathetic my existence has been. But that doesn't mean I can immediately change. Become someone confident and brave and careless. It doesn't mean I can become someone like him.

Do you ever have look back on a moment and think that you could have changed it so easily with just one word of no or yes? I do. One of the boys noticed what must have been the aftermath of Gerard sucking on my neck when I was waiting to get in class. Most people knew Nina had a thing for me and of course, her name was directly related to it. I knew I should deny it, come up with another excuse. If Gerard found out that a hickey that was given to me by him, I had confirmed was from Nina, I was in the shit. But I found myself nodding and laughing. They encouraged me to tell more, so I did, it just felt so natural. I made a smart comment of, "I never kiss and tell." Only to hear the remark in a hurt dark voice of, "Obviously." I didn't have to turn around to know it was him and I honestly didn't want to anyway. To see his face, the face that I held in my hands just that morning. When I did turn I didn't have to to see it anyway. All I could see was the back of his head as he walked away. I needed to follow him, but the boys were urging me to tell more of Nina, so I didn't.

I couldn't find him at recess. Mikey said he needed to see a kid named Travis. Why would he need to see Travis though? He was a queer who was obsessed with drama classes. A queer like me, like Gerard. I sat with the other boys after giving up on finding him. "Dude are you okay?" I looked up at Ray to see that Mikey and Bob were watching me too. "Yeah, sure, why?" I asked. "I dunno, it's just your legs like shaking, and you keep wringing your hands together." I looked down to see I was in fact doing what he said. "Oh just anxious to get to next class I suppose." I said shrugging nonchalantly. "Why? You have science next." Science. Gerard. I shrugged again and Mikey took over my end of the conversation, explaining about Gerard continually bailing me out.

I sat in science. I didn't expect him to come. But there's always hoping. I mean he was already upset about Nina, and then I go and tell everybody that Nina gave me a hickey. God I was stupid. When I first met Gerard I was so scared of him coming near me, and now I'm afraid he won't so much as talk to me. God this is so fucked up.

And then there he was, walking into science straight up to my teacher with his little note clutched in his hand. The relief I felt didn't last long. My teacher proceeded to call out Stephanie Reed's name. Who then giggled at Gerard and followed him out of the door. Gerard had switched me for Stephanie for his art piece. I saw Mikey spot Gerard and Stephanie. He just looked over to me and shook his head, disappointment highlighting his framed eyes. There was a storm inside my head. Why couldn't I had just said no. 'No it wasn't Nina. I ran into a fucking lamp.' Gerard would probably have found that thought hilarious. I looked around the room desperately, looking for anything I could focus on, anything that would distract me. But all I could think about was Stephanie Reed and her bouncing blonde hair, giggling at Gerard as he asked her to remove her shirt so he could paint her tanned body. "I need to get a drink." I blurted out loudly to the teacher. "Um, okay, are you alright Frank?" I shook my head furiously. "You can go then, quickly, I don't want to have to clean it up if you're sick in here." I basically ran out of the room.

I burst through the door to the art room. Stephanie sat on a chair close in front of Gerard, too close. "Gerard tell her to go." I begged. He looked over at me, he looked tired. There was a long silence before Stephanie broke it with her shrill high pitched voice. "What the hell Iero? Gerard wouldn't tell me t-" Gerard cut her off. "Go Stephanie." She looked between us. "Fine." She got up and stormed out of the room not before turning and calling out to Gerard to call her. I made sure the door had swung shut before I spoke. "Gerard?" I questioned. He didn't look up at me, he just sighed loudly. "Please Gee? Please?" I begged. "Please what Frank?" He said emotionlessly. "I-I." I didn't even know. "I'm sorry, It just, felt so normal you know, to talk about girls and stuff. And I knew I shouldn't have as soon as I said it, but I mean, it was so easy to say, it was just, really easy." Gerard nodded the whole time I spoke, like he knew it already. "I had a feeling you wouldn't be able to do it." He said softly to himself more than me. "Do what?" I asked. He looked up for the first time, hands resting motionlessly in his lap, body hunched on his chair. "Fight for me. I knew you wouldn't be able to fight for me. I tried telling you you couldn't just accept what you were presented with. But you are. And there's no room for me there." He said looking at his sketch pad. And so I backed out of the room. Away from Gerard.


Please let me know your thoughts, I know I suck to leave it there.

Rae.