Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Three Days
Hello! I’m sorry it’s been awhile, and I’m really sorry I didn’t respond to all the reviews, I was trying and I may still go back and do that but I wanted to get a new chapter written and posted. I’ve been working on this for days, but for some reasons writing’s been slow lately for me in general and I’ve been really really busy with going back to work, so maybe it’s because I’ve been so tired; I dunno. I’ve rewritten parts of this a couple times, too, cause it didn’t seem up to my usual….standards I guess? but I hope I’m wrong. :)
Thank you guys so much for the reviews and ratings! Three chapters green, that’s amazing!!! Thank you so, so much! :)
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Gerard trailed his fingers across Frank’s bare chest, mesmerized by the sunlight on his beautifully tattooed skin. Frank stirred under his touch, moving to press against his hand. He hadn’t meant to wake him yet, really. He’d been awake watching him almost the entire night and he’d resisted touching him, kept from disturbing him. Now that it was done though…
He moved down slowly, carefully, mouthing gently at the skin next to his flame tattoo for a moment before fastening his lips securely, sucking hard. Frank moaned, the noise still sleepy though his hands came up bury themselves in Gerard’s hair.
Gerard’s lips curved into a soft smile and he paused, kissed the wet patch of skin before resting his chin on Frank’s chest. “Good morning, Frankie.”
Frank smiled for him, warm and lazy and so adorably sleepy. Gerard’s heart felt heavy enough to drag straight through his chest. “Morning, Gee.” He stroked his fingers through Gerard’s hair, casual as petting a cat. “You’re beautiful.”
Gerard laughed softly, once. “You’re not awake yet, that explains that.” He pressed another kiss to his lover’s chest, tightened his arms around Frank. “So…I was thinking.” That was an understatement, really. He’d been doing far more thinking than sleeping. “I think we should go see dad today.” The words tasted wrong coming out, but he really had given them a great deal of thought.
Frank’s eyes popped open wide, coming fully awake at this revelation. “…Gee? Are you sure? We don’t have to, I’m sorry I-“
“No. No, it’s ok. You’re right I mean…just thinking that…” he swallowed, hard. The logic could make a little sense in his head, sure, but saying it was something else. “It’s been a long time. Doesn’t do much good to hold everything against him now.”
“I…yeah. Alright.” Frank cupped his face in his hands, eyes dancing as he looked at him. “You’re really ok with this?”
“Yeah. Let’s do it.”
~~~~~
Of course, ‘let’s do it’ had sounded better when they weren’t actually standing on the sidewalk near the assisted living home. Gerard cursed, tugged Frank to a stop. “Hold up. Need another cigarette.”
Frank’s arms wrapped easily around his waist, molding into his side. “Whatever you need.” Gerard nodded absently, slid his free arm around Frank. “I never could hate him.” Frank said it so quietly Gerard just barely heard him, and he cocked his head in Frank’s direction, hoping he’d keep talking. “I didn’t like him, or the things he did, but I couldn’t hate him, Gee. He accepted us. He accepted me.” Frank sighed. “My own goddamn family couldn’t even do that.”
“Frank, he wouldn’t have cared if I brought home a damned goat so long as I stayed out of his hair.” It was only after he snapped the reply out that he realized what he’d said, and mentally kicked himself, turned to kiss Frank softly. “Mom loved you. I’m just sayin’…I don’t think he had any kind of wonderful tolerance. He just didn’t give a shit. If he had, he probably would have been pissed.”
“At least he didn’t tell you it’d have been better if you’d died as a child. Or never been born.”
Gerard winced, wishing he hadn’t gotten into this conversation at all. They never talked about Frank’s parents, because it always ended up like this. So long as he didn’t think about them, he didn’t care. When he did, it hurt. Of course it hurt, they’d treated him worse than shit. “Yeah. I know.” He stubbed out his cigarette, shoved it into the sand of a trashcan ashtray before pulling Frank fully into his embrace. “I’m sorry.” It was hard to remember, sometimes, that no matter how shitty his father had been, Frank’s had been worse. Even harder to imagine that Frank could actually see something positive in the bastard, but considering what he had to compare to… “Alright. Let’s go.”
“You sure?”
“No.” Gerard smiled, uneasy, and took Frank’s hand tightly in his. Frank returned the grasp with equal pressure, and his familiar presence was enough to steady Gerard as he stepped forward into the building. Inside he leaned over the counter stiffly, his whole body tense. “Tony Way?”
Her instructions were simple, and soon they were at the end of a long hall, facing a door Gerard didn’t want to open.
“Ready?”
“No.” He pushed the door open anyway, his hand gripping Frank’s painfully tight. His father sat at a table by the window, cards laid out for solitaire on the table before him. Seeing him for the first time in years, he looked so very old. His hair was fully grey, his movement slow, and an oxygen tank sat beside him on the floor. His gaze had risen to meet Gerard’s, and the shock on his face was plain. “Hello, dad.”
“Gerard…” Still in shock, he took a deep breath. It was obviously difficult for him. “It’s so good to see you, boy. Here, sit…” He gestured at the chair across from him before turning his attention to Frank. For him, he smiled. “Frank. I’m so glad you two came.” He held out a hand and Frank took it, let Tony pull him into a one armed hug.
“Hey, Tony. It’s good to see you too.”
For a moment, Gerard could feel irrational jealously rising, and he shoved it away. Tony only got along with Frank because he had always been nice to him on the rare occasions he had seen him. Frank would have preferred anything to the way his parents had acted. Still…
“How have you been, Gee?” He twitched, hearing his father use his nickname like that. So familiar, as if he had earned the right to use it. He hadn’t.
“Fine.”
“Frank tells me you’re doing real well for yourself.” His eyes seemed to shine with genuine interest, and Gerard looked away. What good did it do if he was interested, now? He never had been before, when it was important.
“Doin’ alright. We’ve got a nice place in the city. Work’s good.” He had wanted to come, for Frank mostly, but partly due to what Jackson had said the night before. It was plain his relationship with his father had bearing on both his own desire to have kids as well as the things he expected of himself. There was too much bitterness there for it not to have an effect. Even with all that in mind, it was nearly impossible to just sit down and talk to the man.
Frank slipped his hand back into Gerard’s, squeezing softly. “He’s been working on a comic of his own for awhile now, and it’s really coming together well.” He turned just enough so smile encouragingly at Gerard. “It’s gonna be fucking amazing once he gets it all together to pitch to Brian.”
Gerard felt the sharp twist in his stomach that thought brought with it. Before, he had already talked to Brian. And because of everything that happened along with it, he had hurt Frank. He wasn’t sure, now, he could ever feel anything but sick when he thought about getting it published. For now, he managed a weak smile. “Don’t know about amazing, but I hope they’ll take it. Put a lotta work into it.”
His father grinned, nodding. “Good, good! I’m sure you’ll be a success, Gerard.” He paused, took a breath from the mask connected to his oxygen. “Always knew you had the mind for it, the creativity. Been a good artist ever since you were a little boy. Told everyone at work my son was gonna grow up to be somebody. I’m real proud of ya.”
That, he couldn’t take. Being there at all was hard enough on its own. “My mama raised me.” The words were sharp, passionate. “And the two of us raised Mikey together. You had no fucking part of it. You were always out traveling for work, and you came home when you felt like it between all your goddamn affairs, and she forgave you every fucking time.” He was furious now, voice shaking at the force of the memories. “But I didn’t, and I can’t. You treated my mother like shit. You were never there for her, and you were never there for us. I took care of her when she got sick, not you. You weren’t even there when she died.” He shook his head, jerked his hand away from Frank as he pushed away from the table. “I can’t do this.”
He stormed out, ignoring both their voices when they tried to call him back. It wasn’t until he was outside, leaning against the brick wall with a lit cigarette in his shaking hand that he started to calm down. Shit, he hadn’t wanted it to go like that. He had known it wouldn’t be easy by any stretch, but he hadn’t meant to blow up like that. Hearing him act like he’d had anything to do with raising the two of them though…he couldn’t stand for that shit.
Frank’s hand came down on his arm gently, but even so he jumped violently, nearly pulling away before catching himself. He looked down, refusing to meet Frank’s eyes and see his disappointment. “I’m sorry, Frank. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t stand to hear-“
“It’s ok, Gee. It’s ok. This is my fault, I know and-“
“No, it’s not.” Gerard faced him then, wanting him to see the honesty of that in his eyes. “This isn’t your fault. It’s…it’s good you can talk to him. I just can’t. But that definitely isn’t your fault.”
“But doing that, I pushed you into this, and you weren’t ready for it.” He rubbed his arm slowly, thinking. “I’m sorry. You were right before. We shouldn’t’ve come down here. I just…I was glad you wanted to, cause I thought maybe you two could start talking again. He really does ask about you all the time, Gee. I think he feels guilty.”
“Yeah, well, he earned it.”
“I know. I know he did. But I think he’s sorry, Gee. And…hell, don’t we all deserve a second chance?”
Second chance. Yes, yes he was very partial to second chances these days. Gerard sighed, opened his arms to Frank and felt himself relax when Frank readily stepped into them. “Yeah. I get that. He just…I’m not ready yet. I think I will be, later. I promise, I’ll work things out with him, Frankie. Just…just not now, ok?” He didn’t wait for Frank to answer, leaned in and kissed him softly. “I love you so much.”
Frank reached up to tuck a strand of hair back, smiled at him. “Love you too.”
“So…” Gerard kissed him again, lingering. “How about we go check out the music store we didn’t make it to last night, hm?”
“Sounds good.”
Gerard took his hand, tried to look relaxed. It seemed like the time was slipping away faster and faster…
~~~~~
“Come on, just take it down and play it.”
“We can’t afford it.”
“Play it.” Frank’s eyes were fixed on the guitar like a dog staring at the finest cut of steak he’d ever seen, and Gerard was watching him with increasing interest. Maybe this was it, the perfect present. Frank had always, always wanted a good guitar, and his eyes had fastened on this alpine white Epiphone Les Paul almost the moment they’d stepped in the shop. Reaching up, Gerard gently pulled the heavy guitar down and pushed it into Frank’s hands. “Play it. You know you wanna hear how it sounds.”
Frank laughed, short. “I already know how it’s gonna sound, and it’s gonna be fucking amazing, so this is just torture.” But he was smiling as he said it, one hand sliding down the body of the guitar to hold it better. His movement was more caress than casual, as if the guitar could feel the difference in his touch. Sitting down on a nearby stool he plugged it in to a test amp, running through a few bars of a favorite Bouncing Souls song before drifting off into something of their own, part of one of the songs they’d all written together years before. His playing was wonderful, and the crunch of the Les Paul was unique and perfect for his style. It sounded beautiful, and Gerard leaned against the wall next to him, mesmerized.
“Fucking amazing, Frankie. It suits you.”
Frank shrugged, smiling. “Eh.”
“I’m serious! You need that guitar.” Absolutely, he did. And no matter how much it was, Gerard was going to buy it for him. This had to be the present Jackson was talking about.
Frank rubbed a hand along the neck, wistful. “Sure, but we can’t afford it. She’s a gorgeous lady though. One day, huh?” he grinned, ran his hands over it one more time before standing quickly and hanging it back on the wall, looking away. “Come on.”
Gerard followed him toward the door, slowly. He was going to have to find a way to get away from Frank for awhile, later. He had to come back and get that guitar. Outside, it had started to snow and Frank hunched his shoulders against the cold. He was wearing Gerard’s jacket again, but it didn’t help all that much. Frank got cold easy; he always had.
They walked in silence for awhile, and it was Frank that broke it, his voice soft. “I’m really glad we came here, Gee.”
Gerard swallowed, his throat constricting me. “Me too.” Maybe now was the time to talk to him about everything. About how fucked up he had been. “Frank, I know I haven’t…I haven’t been there for you. I’ve been too caught up but I’m trying now. And I’m…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s ok.”
“No, it’s not. You know it’s not. But I promise, things are gonna be different from now on.” He almost choked on the words as he said them. From now on. As if there was a future to worry about, as if he actually had the time to make up for his mistakes. “I’ve…sorted out my priorities.”
He could almost feel Frank’s relief. He grabbed Gerard’s arm, pulling him to a stop. “I can tell. You’ve been…different, and it’s been wonderful, and I wanted to believe everything was going to work out now…”
“Absolutely. I promise.” He took Frank’s face in his hands, drowned in his gorgeous eyes. “Will you give me another chance?”
Frank smiled, his eyes bright with pure sincerity. “I think I can do that.” He wrapped his arms around Gerard’s neck, moved closer against him. “I knew we’d be alright.”
“Even though I’m an idiot?”
“No, you’re not.” He leaned into Gerard’s chest, head against his shoulder. “I knew because I trust you. You come through for me every time; you always have.”
Shit, he hadn’t expected hearing that to hurt as much as it did. His chest constricted, fighting either a sob or a curse, he wasn’t sure which. He didn’t deserve his trust anymore than he deserved his love. After all, he had come so, so very close to betraying that trust. Swallowing his self hatred, he kissed the top of Frank’s head. “I try.”
“You’re better than you think.” Of course he thought so. He always had. He pulled away enough to take Gerard’s hand, get them walking again. They passed the large window pane of a reception hall, saw the wedding party inside. The bride and groom were dancing in the center of the floor, and Frank’s thumb stroked against Gerard’s hand. “Do you ever wish we’d had a real wedding?”
Gerard shrugged. “Sometimes, I guess. It would have been nice, especially if mom and grandma had been around to see it. At the time though…” He squeezed Frank’s hand, smiling at the memory. “I just wanted to make you really mine so fucking bad I wanted to do it as quick as we could.” He looked over at Frank, caught his eye. “You regret it?”
“Course I don’t regret it, I was marrying you! I do kinda wish we’d done it right, though. We missed all the cool stuff, like having a first dance and everyone there to see it. And a kick ass cake.”
Gerard laughed, shaking his head. “Course, you’d think about the cake.” He paused, thinking. “We still haven’t had a first dance, though. We can do that one.” And he wanted to, especially since it meant something to Frank. He’d never really thought of it, before, but now that he had he knew it was something he wanted to. Moving with the music, holding Frank close to him…yes, they needed that. The question was where… he would have done it right then; screw the music. But here on the Jersey streets, that wouldn’t exactly be safe. Maybe in their room later, when they were alone. Or maybe they could go out, hear some music. It’d be easier at a more gay friendly bar, and he knew a couple of those but they were back in Boston. He certainly wasn’t ready to go back there.
“Gee, you never really told me what you wanted for Christmas.”
Gerard swallowed, everything in him rebelling against the thought of Christmas actually coming. The day after the 24th…11:52 on the 24th…
He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “You.”
Frank laughed, rolled his eyes. “Something you don’t have. Although at this point it doesn’t really matter, cause I’ve already got your presents back home.”
“So that means I can’t have you?” He kept teasing him, trying his best to evade any real thought about the holiday.
He giggled again, grinning. “And if I say no?”
Gerard pulled him against his side, whispered close to his ear. “Not an option. You’re mine.”
~~~~~
Gerard stepped back to survey his accomplishment, nodding to himself. Yeah, this had to be it. It hadn’t been easy to slip away from Frank that afternoon to get the guitar, not at all. In the end, he’d told Frank he needed to go to local library to do some work online for Brian, but that it wouldn’t take long. It had killed him to leave him, though he’d been glad Frank had decided to go to Ray’s while he was gone. This way, he had a chance to get it back in the room before Frank showed up. He had the guitar in its case at the foot of the bed, white ribbon around the case. This was perfect, and he couldn’t wait to see the look on Frankie’s face when he saw the guitar.
Right on cue he could hear the key in the lock and he smiled in anticipation, leaning back against the bed.
“Hey, Gee, glad it didn’t take long, hey I was thinking we could…” His words trailed off as his eyes fell on the case immediately zeroing in on it. “Fuck, you didn’t!”
“Merry Christmas, Frankie.”
“i…Gerard!” He was still staring, frozen in the doorway.
“You gonna open it?”
That broke the spell. He was on it in an instant, tugging the ribbon off before letting his hands fly over the clasps, shoving the lid back to run a hand of the body of the guitar. “Shit, it’s so fucking gorgeous…I can’t believe you, this had to cost-“
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah but we-“
“Babe. It doesn’t matter.” Gerard slid to the floor, kneeling next to him. “You like it?”
He didn’t answer, tackling Gerard instead and driving him back onto the floor, kissing him hard. He wasn’t exactly graceful in his haste, and the arm he had meant to catch himself with didn’t land stably on the floor and gave out on him, landing him with his full weight against Gerard. Gee couldn’t help but gasp at the sensation, pulled him tighter to press them closer together. When the broke from the kiss he was smiling gently, hands playing absently with Frank’s hair. “So I did good, huh?”
“No. Not good. You’re incredible.” His eyes were shining, a brilliance in them Gerard hadn’t seen in ages. Yes, he had definitely made the right decision. He leaned in, kissed him slower this time. “Thank you so much, Gee.”
“I knew you had to have it. I’m just glad it’s so perfect for you.”
“Can I play it now?”
Gerard laughed, rubbed his back. “Well, you can, but you don’t have an amp yet. Sorry about that. And I know you wanna play it anyway, but if you want, I was thinking…” One hand traced Frank’s jaw, memorizing. “Let me take you out to dinner.” He needed to do that, take him out. A date, like in the beginning. Like he was trying to win him over all over again…
Frank beamed. “Sounds great.” He rolled off Gerard and to his feet, holding his hand out to help Gee up. He wandered over the closet and their bags, fishing around for fresh clothes to change into. “Had a good time at Ray’s. Played X-Box with Dylan for most of it, that kid fucking owns at Halo.” Gerard laughed with him, most of his attention focused on watching Frank change. “He’s a good kid, you know. A really smart boy.”
“Yeah, he is. Lot like his dad I think.”
“Yeah.” Frank finished pulling his shirt over his head, turned to the mirror as he raked his fingers through his hair. “I know we…talked about it awhile back but…you ever think about it? Y’know…having at least one of our own?”
Gerard sucked in a sharp breath, his chest tightening. “Course I do.”
“…and?”
“And I think we should, but you know, we…I’m still trying to get the comic picked up, and I’m doing more work for them but technically Brian hasn’t given me a promotion or a raise in awhile and I think maybe we should wait till…till things are a little more stable, you know?” He felt sick, saying it.
“Nothing’s ever gonna be perfect, Gerard. You can’t…keep waiting till you think you’ve got everything under control.” Even if he was trying not to look it, he sounded hurt and it was tearing at Gerard. “There’s no such thing as having everything under control.”
No, there wasn’t. And he’d been reminded of that all too recently. “I know it’s just…soon. Just not now.”
“Yeah.” He turn, not meeting Gerard’s eyes in the mirror. Gerard looked down, didn’t even bother fighting the pain in his chest. God, this hurt. “Be right back.” He disappeared into the bathroom to finish getting ready, shutting the door. Gerard sighed, setting down on the edge of the bed and letting his head fall into his hands.
“You said the same thing you would have said before, you know.”
He wasn’t at all surprised to hear Jackson’s voice, and he didn’t look up.
“I was fucking stupid before.”
“Then why are you telling him the same thing now?”
Gerard snapped, as quietly as he could. “Because believe it or not, there is actually a goddamned limit to what I can take. And handling all of this-“ he gestured wilding at the air, “That’s fucking difficult enough. But tell him yes, telling him I’ve changed my mind…planning that with him, now, knowing it’ll never happen…” He could feel tears well in his thinking of it, and he blinked them away. “I’m sorry to disappoint you with my human selfishness but that’s more than I can take. I can’t…plan that all just to lose it in two days. God, one day.” He rubbed a hand across his face, shaking his head slowly. “I just can’t do that.”
“I didn’t think this was supposed to be about you, Gerard. I thought it was about Frank.”
“Thank you for reminding me once again how I’m not good enough for him.”
“I never said that; you’re being dramatic.”
“I’d think you’d be used to me by now.”
Jackson sighed, laughed softly. “I am, of course. On another note, the guitar was a nice gesture.”
Gerard shifted, faced him and let him change the subject. “So I found it, the present he needed?”
Jackson shook his head, smiling. “This? No. it’s nice, but not…not what we have in mind. The right gift is less…tangible. But it’ll prove you really love him.”
“Beautiful. Thanks for the help.”
“Like I said, this was a good idea, regardless. He loved it.”
Gerard sighed, feeling like he was rapidly losing ground. “Yeah.”
“Hey.” Frank came out of the bathroom, eyes lined dark and just finishing pulling his skeleton fingerless gloves on his hands. “I’m ready to go.”
Gerard crossed over to, working over his words in his head first. “Frankie, I’m-“
Frank smiled, and it was mostly genuine. “It’s ok. We don’t need to talk about it. It’s cool. We can wait.” He pulled the door open, stepping out first. “So, where are we going?”
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It’s finally finished! Not sure if I like my stopping point, but it does at least feel like a full chapter.
Hope you guys enjoy it, and again I’m sorry it took so long…work overtakes me. X.X
Thank you guys so much for the reviews and ratings! Three chapters green, that’s amazing!!! Thank you so, so much! :)
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Gerard trailed his fingers across Frank’s bare chest, mesmerized by the sunlight on his beautifully tattooed skin. Frank stirred under his touch, moving to press against his hand. He hadn’t meant to wake him yet, really. He’d been awake watching him almost the entire night and he’d resisted touching him, kept from disturbing him. Now that it was done though…
He moved down slowly, carefully, mouthing gently at the skin next to his flame tattoo for a moment before fastening his lips securely, sucking hard. Frank moaned, the noise still sleepy though his hands came up bury themselves in Gerard’s hair.
Gerard’s lips curved into a soft smile and he paused, kissed the wet patch of skin before resting his chin on Frank’s chest. “Good morning, Frankie.”
Frank smiled for him, warm and lazy and so adorably sleepy. Gerard’s heart felt heavy enough to drag straight through his chest. “Morning, Gee.” He stroked his fingers through Gerard’s hair, casual as petting a cat. “You’re beautiful.”
Gerard laughed softly, once. “You’re not awake yet, that explains that.” He pressed another kiss to his lover’s chest, tightened his arms around Frank. “So…I was thinking.” That was an understatement, really. He’d been doing far more thinking than sleeping. “I think we should go see dad today.” The words tasted wrong coming out, but he really had given them a great deal of thought.
Frank’s eyes popped open wide, coming fully awake at this revelation. “…Gee? Are you sure? We don’t have to, I’m sorry I-“
“No. No, it’s ok. You’re right I mean…just thinking that…” he swallowed, hard. The logic could make a little sense in his head, sure, but saying it was something else. “It’s been a long time. Doesn’t do much good to hold everything against him now.”
“I…yeah. Alright.” Frank cupped his face in his hands, eyes dancing as he looked at him. “You’re really ok with this?”
“Yeah. Let’s do it.”
~~~~~
Of course, ‘let’s do it’ had sounded better when they weren’t actually standing on the sidewalk near the assisted living home. Gerard cursed, tugged Frank to a stop. “Hold up. Need another cigarette.”
Frank’s arms wrapped easily around his waist, molding into his side. “Whatever you need.” Gerard nodded absently, slid his free arm around Frank. “I never could hate him.” Frank said it so quietly Gerard just barely heard him, and he cocked his head in Frank’s direction, hoping he’d keep talking. “I didn’t like him, or the things he did, but I couldn’t hate him, Gee. He accepted us. He accepted me.” Frank sighed. “My own goddamn family couldn’t even do that.”
“Frank, he wouldn’t have cared if I brought home a damned goat so long as I stayed out of his hair.” It was only after he snapped the reply out that he realized what he’d said, and mentally kicked himself, turned to kiss Frank softly. “Mom loved you. I’m just sayin’…I don’t think he had any kind of wonderful tolerance. He just didn’t give a shit. If he had, he probably would have been pissed.”
“At least he didn’t tell you it’d have been better if you’d died as a child. Or never been born.”
Gerard winced, wishing he hadn’t gotten into this conversation at all. They never talked about Frank’s parents, because it always ended up like this. So long as he didn’t think about them, he didn’t care. When he did, it hurt. Of course it hurt, they’d treated him worse than shit. “Yeah. I know.” He stubbed out his cigarette, shoved it into the sand of a trashcan ashtray before pulling Frank fully into his embrace. “I’m sorry.” It was hard to remember, sometimes, that no matter how shitty his father had been, Frank’s had been worse. Even harder to imagine that Frank could actually see something positive in the bastard, but considering what he had to compare to… “Alright. Let’s go.”
“You sure?”
“No.” Gerard smiled, uneasy, and took Frank’s hand tightly in his. Frank returned the grasp with equal pressure, and his familiar presence was enough to steady Gerard as he stepped forward into the building. Inside he leaned over the counter stiffly, his whole body tense. “Tony Way?”
Her instructions were simple, and soon they were at the end of a long hall, facing a door Gerard didn’t want to open.
“Ready?”
“No.” He pushed the door open anyway, his hand gripping Frank’s painfully tight. His father sat at a table by the window, cards laid out for solitaire on the table before him. Seeing him for the first time in years, he looked so very old. His hair was fully grey, his movement slow, and an oxygen tank sat beside him on the floor. His gaze had risen to meet Gerard’s, and the shock on his face was plain. “Hello, dad.”
“Gerard…” Still in shock, he took a deep breath. It was obviously difficult for him. “It’s so good to see you, boy. Here, sit…” He gestured at the chair across from him before turning his attention to Frank. For him, he smiled. “Frank. I’m so glad you two came.” He held out a hand and Frank took it, let Tony pull him into a one armed hug.
“Hey, Tony. It’s good to see you too.”
For a moment, Gerard could feel irrational jealously rising, and he shoved it away. Tony only got along with Frank because he had always been nice to him on the rare occasions he had seen him. Frank would have preferred anything to the way his parents had acted. Still…
“How have you been, Gee?” He twitched, hearing his father use his nickname like that. So familiar, as if he had earned the right to use it. He hadn’t.
“Fine.”
“Frank tells me you’re doing real well for yourself.” His eyes seemed to shine with genuine interest, and Gerard looked away. What good did it do if he was interested, now? He never had been before, when it was important.
“Doin’ alright. We’ve got a nice place in the city. Work’s good.” He had wanted to come, for Frank mostly, but partly due to what Jackson had said the night before. It was plain his relationship with his father had bearing on both his own desire to have kids as well as the things he expected of himself. There was too much bitterness there for it not to have an effect. Even with all that in mind, it was nearly impossible to just sit down and talk to the man.
Frank slipped his hand back into Gerard’s, squeezing softly. “He’s been working on a comic of his own for awhile now, and it’s really coming together well.” He turned just enough so smile encouragingly at Gerard. “It’s gonna be fucking amazing once he gets it all together to pitch to Brian.”
Gerard felt the sharp twist in his stomach that thought brought with it. Before, he had already talked to Brian. And because of everything that happened along with it, he had hurt Frank. He wasn’t sure, now, he could ever feel anything but sick when he thought about getting it published. For now, he managed a weak smile. “Don’t know about amazing, but I hope they’ll take it. Put a lotta work into it.”
His father grinned, nodding. “Good, good! I’m sure you’ll be a success, Gerard.” He paused, took a breath from the mask connected to his oxygen. “Always knew you had the mind for it, the creativity. Been a good artist ever since you were a little boy. Told everyone at work my son was gonna grow up to be somebody. I’m real proud of ya.”
That, he couldn’t take. Being there at all was hard enough on its own. “My mama raised me.” The words were sharp, passionate. “And the two of us raised Mikey together. You had no fucking part of it. You were always out traveling for work, and you came home when you felt like it between all your goddamn affairs, and she forgave you every fucking time.” He was furious now, voice shaking at the force of the memories. “But I didn’t, and I can’t. You treated my mother like shit. You were never there for her, and you were never there for us. I took care of her when she got sick, not you. You weren’t even there when she died.” He shook his head, jerked his hand away from Frank as he pushed away from the table. “I can’t do this.”
He stormed out, ignoring both their voices when they tried to call him back. It wasn’t until he was outside, leaning against the brick wall with a lit cigarette in his shaking hand that he started to calm down. Shit, he hadn’t wanted it to go like that. He had known it wouldn’t be easy by any stretch, but he hadn’t meant to blow up like that. Hearing him act like he’d had anything to do with raising the two of them though…he couldn’t stand for that shit.
Frank’s hand came down on his arm gently, but even so he jumped violently, nearly pulling away before catching himself. He looked down, refusing to meet Frank’s eyes and see his disappointment. “I’m sorry, Frank. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t stand to hear-“
“It’s ok, Gee. It’s ok. This is my fault, I know and-“
“No, it’s not.” Gerard faced him then, wanting him to see the honesty of that in his eyes. “This isn’t your fault. It’s…it’s good you can talk to him. I just can’t. But that definitely isn’t your fault.”
“But doing that, I pushed you into this, and you weren’t ready for it.” He rubbed his arm slowly, thinking. “I’m sorry. You were right before. We shouldn’t’ve come down here. I just…I was glad you wanted to, cause I thought maybe you two could start talking again. He really does ask about you all the time, Gee. I think he feels guilty.”
“Yeah, well, he earned it.”
“I know. I know he did. But I think he’s sorry, Gee. And…hell, don’t we all deserve a second chance?”
Second chance. Yes, yes he was very partial to second chances these days. Gerard sighed, opened his arms to Frank and felt himself relax when Frank readily stepped into them. “Yeah. I get that. He just…I’m not ready yet. I think I will be, later. I promise, I’ll work things out with him, Frankie. Just…just not now, ok?” He didn’t wait for Frank to answer, leaned in and kissed him softly. “I love you so much.”
Frank reached up to tuck a strand of hair back, smiled at him. “Love you too.”
“So…” Gerard kissed him again, lingering. “How about we go check out the music store we didn’t make it to last night, hm?”
“Sounds good.”
Gerard took his hand, tried to look relaxed. It seemed like the time was slipping away faster and faster…
~~~~~
“Come on, just take it down and play it.”
“We can’t afford it.”
“Play it.” Frank’s eyes were fixed on the guitar like a dog staring at the finest cut of steak he’d ever seen, and Gerard was watching him with increasing interest. Maybe this was it, the perfect present. Frank had always, always wanted a good guitar, and his eyes had fastened on this alpine white Epiphone Les Paul almost the moment they’d stepped in the shop. Reaching up, Gerard gently pulled the heavy guitar down and pushed it into Frank’s hands. “Play it. You know you wanna hear how it sounds.”
Frank laughed, short. “I already know how it’s gonna sound, and it’s gonna be fucking amazing, so this is just torture.” But he was smiling as he said it, one hand sliding down the body of the guitar to hold it better. His movement was more caress than casual, as if the guitar could feel the difference in his touch. Sitting down on a nearby stool he plugged it in to a test amp, running through a few bars of a favorite Bouncing Souls song before drifting off into something of their own, part of one of the songs they’d all written together years before. His playing was wonderful, and the crunch of the Les Paul was unique and perfect for his style. It sounded beautiful, and Gerard leaned against the wall next to him, mesmerized.
“Fucking amazing, Frankie. It suits you.”
Frank shrugged, smiling. “Eh.”
“I’m serious! You need that guitar.” Absolutely, he did. And no matter how much it was, Gerard was going to buy it for him. This had to be the present Jackson was talking about.
Frank rubbed a hand along the neck, wistful. “Sure, but we can’t afford it. She’s a gorgeous lady though. One day, huh?” he grinned, ran his hands over it one more time before standing quickly and hanging it back on the wall, looking away. “Come on.”
Gerard followed him toward the door, slowly. He was going to have to find a way to get away from Frank for awhile, later. He had to come back and get that guitar. Outside, it had started to snow and Frank hunched his shoulders against the cold. He was wearing Gerard’s jacket again, but it didn’t help all that much. Frank got cold easy; he always had.
They walked in silence for awhile, and it was Frank that broke it, his voice soft. “I’m really glad we came here, Gee.”
Gerard swallowed, his throat constricting me. “Me too.” Maybe now was the time to talk to him about everything. About how fucked up he had been. “Frank, I know I haven’t…I haven’t been there for you. I’ve been too caught up but I’m trying now. And I’m…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s ok.”
“No, it’s not. You know it’s not. But I promise, things are gonna be different from now on.” He almost choked on the words as he said them. From now on. As if there was a future to worry about, as if he actually had the time to make up for his mistakes. “I’ve…sorted out my priorities.”
He could almost feel Frank’s relief. He grabbed Gerard’s arm, pulling him to a stop. “I can tell. You’ve been…different, and it’s been wonderful, and I wanted to believe everything was going to work out now…”
“Absolutely. I promise.” He took Frank’s face in his hands, drowned in his gorgeous eyes. “Will you give me another chance?”
Frank smiled, his eyes bright with pure sincerity. “I think I can do that.” He wrapped his arms around Gerard’s neck, moved closer against him. “I knew we’d be alright.”
“Even though I’m an idiot?”
“No, you’re not.” He leaned into Gerard’s chest, head against his shoulder. “I knew because I trust you. You come through for me every time; you always have.”
Shit, he hadn’t expected hearing that to hurt as much as it did. His chest constricted, fighting either a sob or a curse, he wasn’t sure which. He didn’t deserve his trust anymore than he deserved his love. After all, he had come so, so very close to betraying that trust. Swallowing his self hatred, he kissed the top of Frank’s head. “I try.”
“You’re better than you think.” Of course he thought so. He always had. He pulled away enough to take Gerard’s hand, get them walking again. They passed the large window pane of a reception hall, saw the wedding party inside. The bride and groom were dancing in the center of the floor, and Frank’s thumb stroked against Gerard’s hand. “Do you ever wish we’d had a real wedding?”
Gerard shrugged. “Sometimes, I guess. It would have been nice, especially if mom and grandma had been around to see it. At the time though…” He squeezed Frank’s hand, smiling at the memory. “I just wanted to make you really mine so fucking bad I wanted to do it as quick as we could.” He looked over at Frank, caught his eye. “You regret it?”
“Course I don’t regret it, I was marrying you! I do kinda wish we’d done it right, though. We missed all the cool stuff, like having a first dance and everyone there to see it. And a kick ass cake.”
Gerard laughed, shaking his head. “Course, you’d think about the cake.” He paused, thinking. “We still haven’t had a first dance, though. We can do that one.” And he wanted to, especially since it meant something to Frank. He’d never really thought of it, before, but now that he had he knew it was something he wanted to. Moving with the music, holding Frank close to him…yes, they needed that. The question was where… he would have done it right then; screw the music. But here on the Jersey streets, that wouldn’t exactly be safe. Maybe in their room later, when they were alone. Or maybe they could go out, hear some music. It’d be easier at a more gay friendly bar, and he knew a couple of those but they were back in Boston. He certainly wasn’t ready to go back there.
“Gee, you never really told me what you wanted for Christmas.”
Gerard swallowed, everything in him rebelling against the thought of Christmas actually coming. The day after the 24th…11:52 on the 24th…
He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “You.”
Frank laughed, rolled his eyes. “Something you don’t have. Although at this point it doesn’t really matter, cause I’ve already got your presents back home.”
“So that means I can’t have you?” He kept teasing him, trying his best to evade any real thought about the holiday.
He giggled again, grinning. “And if I say no?”
Gerard pulled him against his side, whispered close to his ear. “Not an option. You’re mine.”
~~~~~
Gerard stepped back to survey his accomplishment, nodding to himself. Yeah, this had to be it. It hadn’t been easy to slip away from Frank that afternoon to get the guitar, not at all. In the end, he’d told Frank he needed to go to local library to do some work online for Brian, but that it wouldn’t take long. It had killed him to leave him, though he’d been glad Frank had decided to go to Ray’s while he was gone. This way, he had a chance to get it back in the room before Frank showed up. He had the guitar in its case at the foot of the bed, white ribbon around the case. This was perfect, and he couldn’t wait to see the look on Frankie’s face when he saw the guitar.
Right on cue he could hear the key in the lock and he smiled in anticipation, leaning back against the bed.
“Hey, Gee, glad it didn’t take long, hey I was thinking we could…” His words trailed off as his eyes fell on the case immediately zeroing in on it. “Fuck, you didn’t!”
“Merry Christmas, Frankie.”
“i…Gerard!” He was still staring, frozen in the doorway.
“You gonna open it?”
That broke the spell. He was on it in an instant, tugging the ribbon off before letting his hands fly over the clasps, shoving the lid back to run a hand of the body of the guitar. “Shit, it’s so fucking gorgeous…I can’t believe you, this had to cost-“
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah but we-“
“Babe. It doesn’t matter.” Gerard slid to the floor, kneeling next to him. “You like it?”
He didn’t answer, tackling Gerard instead and driving him back onto the floor, kissing him hard. He wasn’t exactly graceful in his haste, and the arm he had meant to catch himself with didn’t land stably on the floor and gave out on him, landing him with his full weight against Gerard. Gee couldn’t help but gasp at the sensation, pulled him tighter to press them closer together. When the broke from the kiss he was smiling gently, hands playing absently with Frank’s hair. “So I did good, huh?”
“No. Not good. You’re incredible.” His eyes were shining, a brilliance in them Gerard hadn’t seen in ages. Yes, he had definitely made the right decision. He leaned in, kissed him slower this time. “Thank you so much, Gee.”
“I knew you had to have it. I’m just glad it’s so perfect for you.”
“Can I play it now?”
Gerard laughed, rubbed his back. “Well, you can, but you don’t have an amp yet. Sorry about that. And I know you wanna play it anyway, but if you want, I was thinking…” One hand traced Frank’s jaw, memorizing. “Let me take you out to dinner.” He needed to do that, take him out. A date, like in the beginning. Like he was trying to win him over all over again…
Frank beamed. “Sounds great.” He rolled off Gerard and to his feet, holding his hand out to help Gee up. He wandered over the closet and their bags, fishing around for fresh clothes to change into. “Had a good time at Ray’s. Played X-Box with Dylan for most of it, that kid fucking owns at Halo.” Gerard laughed with him, most of his attention focused on watching Frank change. “He’s a good kid, you know. A really smart boy.”
“Yeah, he is. Lot like his dad I think.”
“Yeah.” Frank finished pulling his shirt over his head, turned to the mirror as he raked his fingers through his hair. “I know we…talked about it awhile back but…you ever think about it? Y’know…having at least one of our own?”
Gerard sucked in a sharp breath, his chest tightening. “Course I do.”
“…and?”
“And I think we should, but you know, we…I’m still trying to get the comic picked up, and I’m doing more work for them but technically Brian hasn’t given me a promotion or a raise in awhile and I think maybe we should wait till…till things are a little more stable, you know?” He felt sick, saying it.
“Nothing’s ever gonna be perfect, Gerard. You can’t…keep waiting till you think you’ve got everything under control.” Even if he was trying not to look it, he sounded hurt and it was tearing at Gerard. “There’s no such thing as having everything under control.”
No, there wasn’t. And he’d been reminded of that all too recently. “I know it’s just…soon. Just not now.”
“Yeah.” He turn, not meeting Gerard’s eyes in the mirror. Gerard looked down, didn’t even bother fighting the pain in his chest. God, this hurt. “Be right back.” He disappeared into the bathroom to finish getting ready, shutting the door. Gerard sighed, setting down on the edge of the bed and letting his head fall into his hands.
“You said the same thing you would have said before, you know.”
He wasn’t at all surprised to hear Jackson’s voice, and he didn’t look up.
“I was fucking stupid before.”
“Then why are you telling him the same thing now?”
Gerard snapped, as quietly as he could. “Because believe it or not, there is actually a goddamned limit to what I can take. And handling all of this-“ he gestured wilding at the air, “That’s fucking difficult enough. But tell him yes, telling him I’ve changed my mind…planning that with him, now, knowing it’ll never happen…” He could feel tears well in his thinking of it, and he blinked them away. “I’m sorry to disappoint you with my human selfishness but that’s more than I can take. I can’t…plan that all just to lose it in two days. God, one day.” He rubbed a hand across his face, shaking his head slowly. “I just can’t do that.”
“I didn’t think this was supposed to be about you, Gerard. I thought it was about Frank.”
“Thank you for reminding me once again how I’m not good enough for him.”
“I never said that; you’re being dramatic.”
“I’d think you’d be used to me by now.”
Jackson sighed, laughed softly. “I am, of course. On another note, the guitar was a nice gesture.”
Gerard shifted, faced him and let him change the subject. “So I found it, the present he needed?”
Jackson shook his head, smiling. “This? No. it’s nice, but not…not what we have in mind. The right gift is less…tangible. But it’ll prove you really love him.”
“Beautiful. Thanks for the help.”
“Like I said, this was a good idea, regardless. He loved it.”
Gerard sighed, feeling like he was rapidly losing ground. “Yeah.”
“Hey.” Frank came out of the bathroom, eyes lined dark and just finishing pulling his skeleton fingerless gloves on his hands. “I’m ready to go.”
Gerard crossed over to, working over his words in his head first. “Frankie, I’m-“
Frank smiled, and it was mostly genuine. “It’s ok. We don’t need to talk about it. It’s cool. We can wait.” He pulled the door open, stepping out first. “So, where are we going?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s finally finished! Not sure if I like my stopping point, but it does at least feel like a full chapter.
Hope you guys enjoy it, and again I’m sorry it took so long…work overtakes me. X.X
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