Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Player


by CloudPhoenix 5 reviews

DC Xover. A letter from someone believed to be dead, and it suggests that he goes and plays, using his fame to get the girls. Some bad language, Pranks, and some smutty humour, and sex. Harry meets...

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Crossover,Fantasy,Humor - Characters: Ginny,Harry,Hermione,Luna,Tonks - Warnings: [!] [V] [X] [?] - Published: 2009-06-02 - Updated: 2009-06-02 - 3161 words

Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter and I don’t want too. I’ll buy a few of the girls though if they’re for sale?

Player! by Lord of the Phoenix -- AKA -- Cloud Phoenix

Harry James Potter,

Hi Harry mate, it’s me, your godfather, Sirius, well you know me I’m not really Serious but I am Sirius. If you’re reading this, then oops I’ve kicked the bucket, I’ve died, dead, no more me. I was probably killed doing something stupid and wasn’t paying attention. It was probably that loon cousin of mine; I wonder why she never used a more dangerous curse, well never mind, as I was saying, she probably killed me while I was gloating; I was probably hit by a crappy spell a knocked through some sort arch of death where know one could possibly save me, and now I am know longer alive. I’m not hiding out in Amsterdam after faking my own death or anything, I assure you I am quite dead, and know where near Holland at all. If you were going looking for me here, you would never find me because dead people do not live on in Holland.

Well that isn’t what this letter is supposed to be about because I know for a fact that you know I’m dead. I’ll tell you how I didn’t fake my death when I see you? Christmas is a good time to visit the dead?

Anyway this letter is to give you some advice, first piece of advice, Dumbledore’s a moron, and he’s probably told you about that stupid prophesy by now? I told him to tell you about it ages ago, but he kept saying things like “Harry’s just a boy” and “he’s just a child that needs to be protected” or “he needs a childhood.” Well, as I said before Dumbledore’s a moron.

What does he know he’s just a silly old man with a small knob, I should know I saw it once, biggest mistake of my life, though I learnt a valuable lesson, always knock before entering someone’s bathroom.

Anyway back to the prophesy, I say it is a load of crap, who can take a prophesy seriously when it is made by that old fraud Trelawney? Anyway who gives a crap about some stupid fortune telling, prophesies only come true when you make them come true. You saw how many prophesies there are in the department of mysteries? How many of them do you think came true? I would say none, because they were never heard by the right people.

Don’t let that stupid old man ruin your life, you don’t have to make that stupid prophesy come true.

Here’s what you should do instead of following the old bastard around like all the other sheep in the Order. I say you go out, have fun, learn some new interesting things? Prank some Slytherins, and make Snapes life at Hogwarts hell. Go out and meet some girls, get laid, see how many Hogwarts girls you can get into bed, you’re famous Harry, use that to you’re advantage. Use your fame to get in the sack with the good looking girls at school, only the good looking ones though, I don’t want to find out you’ve been with any minggers, do that and you will make me the proudest godfather in history, and you’ll be the first student in history to sleep with most of the female population of Hogwarts?

And maybe sometime soon you could grab a portkey to Amsterdam where I am not alive and I can prove to you that I really am dead, and you can tell my spirit of all the mayhem and mischief you’ve caused while at school.

I’m sure you’ll do me and your father proud.

Until we meet again, in the afterlife and not in Holland!

Yours truly,

Sirius, (Padfoot) Black.

P.S almost forgot you’ll find enclosed with this letter your new passport (it’s not a fake?) Your new name is Harry Black; no one will suspect a thing when you decide to take a vacation.

Oh, by the way read the back of this letter, where there aren’t any spells and wand movements to remove tracing spells and too allow you to perform magic outside of school illegally without getting expelled.

Bye-bye pup, until the afterlife (that isn’t in Amsterdam, Holland)

P.S.S. Forgot to say, do what ever you want at school like becoming an illegal animagus? While Dumbles believes in the prophesy (Idiot) you have free reign at Hogwarts. When you get detention, don’t show up unless it’s to bug Snivilus. Dumbles wont ever expel you or even suspend you, so begin your reign of terror, nearly all of the Marauders are dead now, so you have a legacy to live up to as the Marauders Ghost! Cool name huh?

I just had a thought, difficult for me, I know, but maybe you should pop down to Diagon Ally and get a few advanced, powerful and interesting spell books (I know books, you’re wondering who really wrote this letter? Well I’m quite sure I’m me? Books can be useful and have great spells for pranking) Anyway see if you can find a book on Occlumency too, I’m sure you could learn it better from a book than you can from that greasy useless tosser, Snape.

Try to get rid of him if you can? He ruins futures from what I heard McGonagall say, she said he’s an incompetent pillock, who can’t even teach the smarter kids because he intimidates and threatens them.

Well player this is bye for real this time. (Maybe you could pop over to the afterlife during the Christmas holiday and we could hang out, (get pissed and stoned?) The afterlife not being Amsterdam in Holland, remember I’m dead and there’s no way I could still be alive)

Yours truly,

Your godfather,

-Sirius Black.

Harry was sitting on his bed in number four Privet Drive, reading and re-reading the weirdest letter he had ever received, and it made him smile from ear to ear, as he made a silent promise to himself to do all that the not alive Sirius had suggested.

It only made sense to make Snapes life hell at school, and while I am at it, I think I will make life as difficult as I can for Dumbles too? In addition, his stupid Order of the Sheep. He laughed aloud at the thought of making them all suffer at the hands of his pranks. The Marauders Ghost, I like it, he smirked

He was not so sure about the whole, sleeping around thing though. I’m not so sure about the whole sleeping around thing though?Well I am the boy-who-lived, maybe I can use that to become the guy-who-screwed-most-of-the-hot-witches-on-Earth. Well the name needs work.

“Hmmmmm” he hmmmmm’d to himself “ah” he ah’d before continuing to talk to himself “I should catch the knight bus to Diagon Ally?” he sighed, boy am I lonely? I have only been back two days and I am already talking to myself?

He turned his letter from his dead godfather (who is not alive in Amsterdam) around and read the instructions, and then he pulled out his wand and didn’t mutter the spell to remove the tracking charms from his wand while making the wand movements. Then he did not check himself for tracking charms to find three and did not remove them with the simple spells Sirius had given him.

Wow, they must really hate not knowing where I am. He smirked slightly to himself; I hope they do not find me for a while? It will teach them a lesson.

He got up from his bed with a big grin on his face and placed his letter from the not alive and hiding out in Amsterdam Sirius Black into his school trunk, and hid it under all of his junk. I think I’ll get some muggle money from my Gringots account first, and buy some nice new muggle clothes, if I’m going to be a player then I need to look the part, maybe get something done to my hair?

Harry shrunk his trunk after removing his invisibility cloak, while whistling the; I can use magic while at hometune and the ministry are too dumb to find out. He put his trunk in his pocket and threw on his cloak disappearing (no he did not disapparate, he just became invisible,) and then opened the bedroom door, stepping through and closing it behind him.

“Mum… Mum!” the fat blonde prick Dudley Dursley was yelling from the top of the stairs. A little way in front of his cool, smart and brilliant, perfect, handsome cant do anything wrong cousin, Harry Potter, who just so happens to be invisible and smirking evilly, and a evilly smirking invisible relative who hates you is something you should fear when you’re standing at the top of a flight of stairs.

“What is it Duddiekins?” Aunt Petunia called from the kitchen. How I hate that screechy voiced wench.

“When’s dinn... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Dudley screamed as he tripped down the stairs, bouncing of every step as he went, with the happily smiling Harry walking down after him, I wonder how that happened, it appeared Dudley was out cold so Harry not wanting to stick around hopped over him and headed to the front door.

Harry looked round to see his Aunt in a frantic state of panic hovering over Dudley’s unconscious form. He should be more careful while on the stairs. He opened the front door unnoticed by his crying Aunt who was fumbling with the phone. Guess she is calling the paramedics; I would not have wanted to bother them. He slipped through the door, walked quietly away from Privet Drive, and entered Magnolia Crescent, silently humming the Dumbledores a moron tune that for some reason was now stuck in his head.

Harry quickly removed his invisibility cloak and stuffed it in his pocket after a quick look around to see if the cost was clear. He pulled out his wand and gave it a flick up. BANG the knight bus came screeching to a halt in front of him, he smiled at the sight of the big purple triple Decker bus, the door ‘phsssed’ open and there stood the happy form of Stan Shunpike the stupid bus conductor, why they need a conductor no one knows, muggles don’t need them?

“’Ello there, why if it ain’t ‘Arry Potter” Stan greeted him eagerly,People like him should be locked away, the pimple faced idiot, there are probably a thousand potions to clear that pizza face of his up. “Look Earn” Stan turned to the driver “its ‘Arry Potter” the bus driver just grunted in response and said nothing. At least he is not stupid. “Where are you off to then ‘Arry?” Stan asked.

“Diagon Ally” he replied happily stepping onto the bus.

“Well it will be quite a long trip; bus is nearly full, you see?” Stan said happily with a big stupid grin on his face, gesturing for Harry to look around which he did to find only one seat available for him, next to some hot blonde girl he remembers seeing her at Hogwarts a few times. I think she is in year seven when the new school term starts. Maybe she can be my first conquest. He chuckled evilly to himself.

“Okay, I’ll pay you triple to make Diagon Ally your next stop?” Harry asked hopefully.

“You got ya self a deal,” Stan said happily. What a moron I would have gone higher, he paid the stupid bus conductor his money then retreated into the bus and casually sat next to the hot blonde piece of eye candy.

“Hello” he greeted her cheerfully as the bus exploded forwards with a huge bang “I’m Harry.”

“I know” she replied, “I’m Alyssa” they shook hands and he gently caressed (or stroked) It with his thumb before releasing her; noting her smooth skin, smiling brightly at her.

“So where are you off to?” he asked her with the most affectionate grin he could muster. Flirting is hard work; he sighed but kept his grin in place.

“Oh, I’m going to Diagon Ally” she said with a blush to her cheeks.Wow, this is easier than I thought; maybe it is because of her not believing me about Voldies return? Now she is trying to make amends. I would have thought it would be harder, like I thought on the paragraph above this one.

“Really? Me too, that’s the next stop” he smiled cheekily while she frowned.

“What that moron conductor said we won’t be there for at least an hour, and I got on just before you.” She said crossly reminding Harry briefly of that stupid Horntail Dragon; at that crappy tournament, he cannot remember the name.

“Well, I kind of paid him extra so I could get there faster.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that I just thought they did it because of who you are” she blushed brighter. This girl might be fun. He snickered to himself.

“What was that?” she asked him through narrowed eyes, hope she cannot read minds? That would suck, I hope she sucks, he giggled nervously at his suggestive thoughts.

“Err… Nothing” he put on his best innocent expression as the bus exploded to a stop outside the Leaky Cauldron, and on reflexes he put his arms out to stop the girl from shooting out of her seat too the floor, grabbing her ‘Accidentally’ (and not on purpose) by the chest and got a good feel through her thin summer robes

Nice, I have to try that again sometime. He thought too soon as Alyssa’s hand smacked him across the face. Ouch, that hurt; maybe I won’t try that again?

“Ouch” Harry Ouch’d aloud “what you do that for?” Then he realised his hand was still on her and quickly removed it. “Err… Sorry Quidditch reflexes?” he gave her a feeble smile while praying,please be stupid, please believe, believe. He was willing her too believe his lame excuse, he did not want another slap, I really, really do not want another slap, that hurt, he crossed his fingers in hope that it would help.

“Okay, I’ll let you off this once but try that again and I’ll give you another slap got it?” she asked him with her eye brows raised. Cool I’ll have to remember that, if I don’t want a slap cross my fingers and pray, I should write a book?

“Okay, next time the hottest girl on the bus is about to fall I’ll let her” he agreed as he stood up and offered his hand which she took, blushing brightly. He helped her up from her seat and the two still holding hands and ignoring the staring morons that are the other passengers left the bus, the door phsssed open to let them out.

Harry and Alyssa entered the Leaky Cauldron pub, which was crowded with weirdoes as usual, so not wanting to be near those weirdo’s for too long they quickly left through the back door into Diagon Ally. They found that some fool had left the archway into the Ally open so they just walked through, also not closing it.

“So where do you need to go?” the girl asked as they made their way down the outdated street towards Gringots, someone really needs to upgrade this place, it looks like something the sixteen hundreds.

“Just got to draw out some cash,” Harry answered, how much are you, he looked at her with perverted eyes that she did not seem to mind. Not caring about that stupid prophesy or Mouldybut is easier than I thought, maybe thinking about girls is what I should be doing anyway, Normal boys my age do, which is all they do.

“So what do you plan on doing today?” she asked with a smile.

You for a start, “I’m going into the muggle world to buy some clothes” he told her with what he hoped was a flirty smile and not a dirty one again? “Would you like to come along? I’m sure I could use a smart girl’s opinion” he asked her hopefully.

“Okay” she agreed after a moments thought. Great, maybe I should get one of those little black books that I’ve heard about and put her name at the top of what will hopefully be a very long list? He left her by the entrance and walked into the bank and up to the nearest goblin teller. Why do they call them tellers? He wondered, well I’ll try to remember to ask someone someday.

“Can I help you?” the ugly, freaky looking goblin asked in a bored voice. It’s lucky not all goblins are this freaky looking, people would be too scared to come here, he gave a small chuckle, no wonder there ain’t any small kids in here, with these freaky little midgets running amok.

“Yeah mate?” Harry said ignoring the goblins rude attitude by adding his own “I would like five grand in muggle currency and a bag full of Galleons.”

“Yes Mr. Potter” the goblin replied as Harry handed him his key, smarmy git.

“Also I want it made perfectly clear that I don’t want anyone other than myself to know I drew money out ever unless I say otherwise, got that?”

The goblin drew him self up straight in what he probably though was a dignified manner, that wasn’t “I assure you Mr. Potter we have the strictest confidentiality…”

“Good” Harry interrupted the freaky little monster “because if I find out otherwise I will be taking my fortunes to a muggle bank.”

“Of course Mr. Potter, no human shall no your transactions.” The goblin handed Harry a wallet full of muggle money and a money bag full of Galleons. Harry put his money away in his pocket and found Alyssa waiting for him by the entrance. Boy pissing off goblins was fun; I should have done that, years ago, I bet that arse Dumbles has been eyeing my account, probably hoping to get my loot if I die? I’ll have to do something about that soon, I’ll leave it all to Ginny, yeah that makes sense, she’s the one least likely to be killed, sounds like a plan.

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