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I remember the nights we use to stay awake for hours just talking.
Before the band got signed he would tell me all his hopes and dreams for the future; how he wanted the band to end up, all the things he wanted to do in life once he made it big, and he would even tell me that all his dreams involved me, right by his side for every bit of it.

Brendon had all the dreams, not me. At least I didn't then. I saved all my dreams for him. The only thing that I wanted was for everything to turn out exactly how he wanted it to.

And now it has...
Except, I'm not in the picture and I doubt that really matters to him anymore.

Now I finally do have a dream of my own...Brendon. He is my one constant thought, memory, dream...the one thing in the world I want and I can't have because of all the mistakes I made.

But who knows, all of his dreams came true, so maybe mine can too.____________________________________________________________

It's the end of September and I'm spending the afternoon with Brendon and the guys. Pretty much any time they don't have practice during the week we find ourselves at Sousa's. So it's no surprise that's where we are now, with me squished in between Brendon and Jon on one side of the booth, Ryan and Spencer lounging on the other side.

Why, you might I ask, am I squished and they are lounging comfortably? I can tell you why...Jon is a lazy bastard sometimes. He refuses to get a chair and the other guys find my disgruntlement too funny to do anything about it. Again you may be wondering why I don't get up and get a chair myself, and again I will give you the answer. Not only am I squished, I'm stuck. Jon is on the outside and won't let me get out. To make matters worse, he has pushed so far over on the bench that I'm practically sitting on Brendon. Which isn't exactly a bad thing it's just kind of uncomfortable.

Ignoring my complaints like they have been doing for ten minutes now, Spencer continues the discussion they were having about the future of the band.
"So after we get signed I think we should obviously put out a record as fast as we can. That way we can start touring and get our name out their faster."

"Yeah, that would be a great idea if it would work. You can't just 'go on tour' whenever you want to unless you can fund it yourself...which we can't." Ryan paused for a second before continuing. "If you ask me, I think we should take our time with the album. We already have a ton of songs so it's not like we have to spend a lot of time on the writing process. We just have to tweak things once we get into a recording studio. Then we should spend time on promoting so we can sell some CDs, make some money, then go on tour."

Please excuse me while I zone out. I have heard this conversation so many times before I could probably tell you verbatim how the entire conversation will play out.

I guess Brendon's getting tired of it too since the next thing said is not in the script. "Can we please talk about something else? I really can't listen to this again right now."

"What's your problem Bren? We're discussing the future of our band here!"

"Yes, I realize that Spencer. But you're talking about what's going to happen after we get signed. Why don't we talk about how to actually go about getting signed first!"

Everyone just sat in silence for a moment. Brendon is not the type of person to have an outburst like that. He very rarely gets angry about anything, so something has to be wrong for him to have snapped at Spencer like that.

Using my awesome best friend powers I give Ryan a 'get them out of here so I can talk to him' look. And as usual it works. Of course Ryan isn't happy about it though. Brendon is his closest friend, naturally he wants to be the one to talk to him. But he's my boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure he just wants them gone right now.

Grudgingly Ryan makes a lame excuse for them to leave and drags Spencer and Jon out of the diner.

After an awkward moment of silence I get tired of waiting for him to talk.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or are we just going to sit here and stare at the table some more?"

Pushing his hair out of his face and letting out a heavy sigh, Brendon tears his gaze from the table to look at me. And look at me...and keep looking at me.

"Ok seriously, say something. Please."

A few more seconds of silence pass before he finally speaks.
"All of this talk about the future is just getting to me. I'm just not sure what I want any more. Of course I want the band to get signed and be a rock star and all that, but I have to be serious. I mean, how likely is it that we will get signed..." He trailed off and looked back at the table.

Grabbing a small bowl by the window he started building a little pyramid out of the creamer containers. I sat quietly waiting for him to continue. This is definitely one of those times when it's best to just let him say everything before I comment.

"The more I think about it I just want to give up on that dream. I'll just go off to college like everyone else and try to find a different dream."

Ok, so much for that, I can't listen to this anymore.

"Brendon what are you talking about? You can't just 'find a different dream.' You told me that you have wanted to play music since you were like five years old. How can you give up so easily?"

"I'm not giving up. I'm just realizing that it's impossible, So I'm focusing on something else before it's too late."

"Um yeah, that's just another way of saying you're giving up. Look I'm not going to be all 'of course you'll get signed!' when I know it might not happen. But that doesn't mean I think you should give up."

Looking up from his creamer pyramid, Brendon gives me a strange look before he looks back down and knocks over his creation.

"And just what do you think I should do then? You want me to give up on any other possible future to chase a dream that probably won't happen?"

"What are you talking about? There's no law that says you have to go to college right away..."
Pausing for a second, a genius plan comes to mind that will hopefully bring back my happy Brendon. Because trust me, this dejected Brendon is not fun.

"How about we make a deal...You give yourself one year after graduation to make this band work. If you don't get signed by then, you go to college."

Brendon sat there staring at his hands for a solid minute without saying anything. When I was just about to give up hope and try a new approach I saw it. The corners of his mouth slowly started to pull up into a smile, and by the time he turned to look at me he was full fledge beaming with happiness.

"You are seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me! That is the perfect solution...and you know as well as I do that I would have never thought of anything like that."
Before I could respond he had me in his arms, his lips on mine...kissing me in front of all the other people here. Yeah, no matter how many times he's done this, I'm still not used to it.

When he finally pulls away I can tell that Happy Brendon is fully restored. Oh yes, I am good.

But, at the risk of getting him upset again I have a question that I have wanted to ask for a while now.
"So every time the guys start talking about what they hope for after you get signed you sort of stop talking...so will you at least tell me?"

With a smirk he responds, "Tell you what?"

"Oh ha ha. You know what I meant. You say you have a dream of becoming a rock star...so what all happens in this dream of yours?"

Turning so that he is fully facing me, huge grin in place, Brendon starts telling me how he sees his rock stardom unfolding.

"Well of course we get signed, but not just signed in a normal way...I always imagined it happening in some crazy whirlwind type of way. Which means that we would start recording really soon afterwards. Oh! I definitely want to go out to LA to record! Then I guess we would start playing small shows around LA so we can get our name out there. I know it's unrealistic but I want to start touring pretty much right after we get our CD done. I mean, Ryan has a point with the whole 'money' issue, but the best way to get people to notice us is to start touring. Even if it is only as like the opening act for the opening act."

Of course, in true Brendon fashion that was said in a rambled rush of words. But I have gotten very good at understanding him when he gets like this, so it's mostly comprehendible now.

"Ok so that's how you see things in the post-signing-immediate-future. What about in the long run? You know after you make a name for yourselves."

"Um, I guess I haven't really thought that far ahead much. But I guess I want to do the whole music video thing. That would be so awesome! Can you imagine us going on MTV to debut our first video. Ugh that would seriously be the best thing ever."

"OH god! I can just picture it now. You know Jon would totally freak out or something and only be able to say, like, 'Hi mom!'"

Between laughs Brendon said "He would be the one to do that! And Ryan would be all serious talking about the meaning of his music, while Spencer just sort of stood there. No matter how much he tries to be a badass, he would freak and not be able to say anything."

"So true!"

For a while we just sat there laughing over all the random possibilities of things that would happen when they go on TV, do interviews, have their first 'big' show, just anything we could think of really.

As usual I think of the down side to situations, and I have to bring up the main point to this topic that I really don't want to discuss, but it's the part that has the most to do with me.

I don't want to just come out and ask him if he wants me around after they get signed, so I'm thinking my typical round-about, cowardly way will do just fine.

"It kinda sucks that you guys are going to be out chasing your dream while I'm stuck in a crappy dorm room and going to class everyday."

The change in Brendon was so instant, it was actually scary.
"What do you mean, Kae? You have to be there. How are you supposed to be the vital part that holds the band together through everything if you aren't there during the most crucial part...you know the whole 'we finally make it' part?"

"Well I have to go to college in the fall..."

"But, why? If I can take a year off, so can you."

Ok so here is were it gets tricky. That is exactly what I want to do, but I have no idea how the other guys would feel about it. I mean, I contribute absolutely nothing to the band, so why should I be along for the ride while their trying to get signed?

"Yeah, I know I could Brendon. But really, I'm not part of the band. I have no valid reason to go with you guys. Besides, do you really think the guys would be ok with it?"

"I don't care what they think, but I doubt they would really mind. Well Spencer might complain but nobody pays attention to him. And you have a very valid reason to go...I want you there. Simple as that."

Can we say 'score'?!?! That was exactly what I wanted to hear. But now the other issue has to be discussed.

"You know I'm more than willing to take the year off if the guys are ok with it. But now we just have to convince our parents it's the right move. Which will be insanely difficult."

"I completely forgot that I have to tell my parents about this. They are going to freak when I tell them I want to take a year off to pursue a music career."

We both sat their staring off into space imagining what will happen when we confront the parentals.

"Well Bren, I think after many hours of persuasive argument your parents will be ok with it. I mean you might have to sign like a blood contract agreeing to the one year thing...but you know they'll cave eventually."

With a chuckle he responded "Yeah, but what about your parents?"

Ugh, my parents. They're cool and laid back and all that. But trying to convince them this is the best thing for me...that might end badly.

"Um, well, we have a few months to come up with a really good list of reasons why I would need to go with you guys. We'll need Ryan's help of course, but as long as I can present a solid case, with lots of, uh, educational aspects to it or something, I'm sure they might go for it...maybe."
That was so far from convincing I don't know how to classify it.

"We're doomed aren't we?"

Yeah. Pretty much.

________________________


Two weeks after meeting Ryan in our coffee shop I find myself a slightly more optimistic person. Of course I'm only optimistic about twenty five percent of the time. But hey, it's a start right?

Today, happens to be one of my good days. Because today I get to see three of my favorite people in the world. Who you ask? Well Ryan, Jon, and Spencer of course! I've been talking to Ryan over the past two weeks and we decided that Jon and Spencer need to be part of the process.
So Ryan has been filling them in on everything and today is the day we finally come face to face for the first time since...yeah.

After cleaning my entire apartment in a record time of forty-five minutes, baking an assortment of cookies, and sitting around waiting anxiously for two and half hours...yeah not cool...the guys finally arrived.

The first few minutes of our reunion were just insane. So much excitement came pouring out of all of us that anything that was said made no sense at all. Jon and I kept hugging, pulling away to say something like 'Ah! I can't believe it. Ohmygawd!', then hugging some more. Even Spencer was kind of freaking out a little. Well for Spencer standards that is. But after the initial freak out was over, we settled down in the living room and spent over an hour catching up and joking like we used to.

Finally the time came to get to the real reason they came over. Hopefully after filling them up with their favorite deliciously home baked cookies, this conversation will go somewhat smoothly. I don't really know how cookies will make this easier...but hey, who doesn't like home made cookies?

"Alright, I've already heard how horrible I was to Ryan. So, who's next?"
In my typical fashion I tried to lighten the seriousness from the conversation by making it sound like a joke. Apparently it didn't work.
Seeing the skepticism on their faces, it's obvious I'm going to have to convince them it's all part of the process...or give them more cookies.

"Look guys, I know what you're thinking because I thought the exact same thing when she wanted to hear this from me. And yes, it's really hard to say..."

"And hear." I cut in, considering this is supposed to be my speech.

"That too." Ryan continued "But believe me, it really helps to just get it all out there. Kadence needs to be able to hear everything and deal with it...in a healthy way, so when she faces Brendon eventually, she'll be somewhat prepared."

Wait, 'somewhat prepared'? Way to show support.

"I don't think anything we say will prepare her for what's going to happen when she sees Brendon. That is if he even talks to her."

Oh, Spencer. Always, the sweetheart!

"Geez Spence. Harsh much? We're supposed to be helping, not making it sound impossible. Which it won't be, Kae, I promise."

Leave it to Jon to make up for Spencer's rudeness. At least some things never change.

"Thanks Jon. I knew you would be the one to keep up the optimism for the group during this whole thing." Jon got up from his seat next to Spencer to come and squish himself next to me on the oversized chair I was sharing with Ryan. If that wasn't uncomfortable enough, he grabbed me and pulled me in for a signature Jon Walker bear hug.

"Can't...Breath Jon!"

"Too bad. It's been way too long since the last time I saw you. It can't be avoided. There is just too much time to make up for."
He eased up a little but didn't let go.

Ryan brought our attention back to the topic at hand by saying "As much as I don't want to say this, Spence does have a point. We're going to have to plan this whole thing just right so that Brendon doesn't completely freak when he sees you. If we can accomplish that, then he's definitely willing to talk to you."

Some form of support again...

"And if he does freak when he sees me?"

All three of them just looked at me for a minute before giving each other rather pointed looks. How well I know that look, the look of not wanting to be the bearer of bad news.
As usual Jon lost.
He has a way of phrasing bad news so it's easier to handle.

"Well Kae...um, not that it's going to happen or anything...but..."
He trailed off, and pulling back so I could see his face it was clear that he didn't believe that very much.

"Look, It's going to be hard for him to see you again. And it's very possible that he is going to completely freak out and not talk to you. I know you don't want to hear that but it's better to prepare for the worst...And if it does happen we will all be here for you to help you try again and again. As many times as it takes for him to get over himself and talk to you. We all know he can be a stubborn ass sometimes..."

Complete silence filled the room after the last words were spoken.
Spencer?
That came from Spencer? Who knew he could be so caring.

I guess the looks on all our faces told him that was exactly what we were all thinking.

"God, I'm not trying to be nice. I'm just tired of all of Brendon's moody bullshit. He's worse than me now..."
True to form as always. Spencer is only willing to help for his own benefit. At least that's how he's going to justify it to himself.

"Regardless of your motives Spence, I really appreciate that you're willing to help."

"Yeah, Yeah. Let's just get this whole thing going. I wasn't kidding about Brendon. He really is getting unbearable with this new constant bitchy mood."

"Well Spence, now you know how the rest of us have felt being around you for the last few years."
Good ole Ryan, always standing up to Spencer's attitude. I've seriously missed these guys over the last few months. If only I would have come to my senses sooner and taken their help when it was first offered. But that's what happens when your main goal is to feel nothing, to block everything out. Keeping yourself numb to all the hurt that surrounds you tends to make thinking clearly, well at all, quite difficult...

As Spencer pointed out we've wasted enough time dodging the subject at hand.
"So, who's first?"

Over the next few hours Ryan, Jon, and Spencer gave me detailed accounts of how I treated them during those last few months I was still with them. And of course how they took it when I left, up until now.

But the hardest part by far was listening to each of them give their perspective of how this has affected Brendon.

By the time they were finished we were all crying. Well Spencer was trying to act like he wasn't but we all knew he was. We had at some point all moved to the floor and were now a crazy jumble of limbs from trying for a massive group hug of sorts.

It was painful to hear how I had treated them but ultimately everything that was said will help me to achieve my goal. Understanding everything I did helps me see all my actions from Brendon's point of view. And that understanding will help me apologize more completely. Now I know everything that I need to apologize for, not just what I had assumed needed to be said. And hopefully that will make all the difference in the end.


________________________________________
AN:
I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I have been insanely busy...going from a week in South Carolina to a week in Ohio, just to come home and start my new job. Then my car died and....yeah it has been crazy for the past month.
Hopefully this chapter kind of makes up for the wait. And I'll try to update again in a few days.

K.