FicWad

I let the Head of the gun enter my mouth. The cold trigger frightened me a bit but I slowly pull it.
BANG
Those fatal last moments are all I could remember then I remember being revised. Mom was screaming. Her voice sound horrified. What was I thinking, an easy escape? I should have known better. I feel my body being raised and a hand on my forehead. The ambulance escorts me out on the stretcher.
God you couldn’t fucking let me just die? There is no reason for me to even exist.
I thought about this every time I got close to suicide, I never truly fell through on the whole suicide part. This was my actual time with going through it. Could I be anymore stupid though? I should have died; I did what I was suppose to, put it in my mouth and pull. I thought it couldn’t get any simpler than that. Do I always have to be wrong? Guh, next time I’ll succeed!
When I got out of my thoughts, I was in a room. My eyes open and my mom smiles her warm smile. I smile back.
“How are you, my son?”
I clear my throat, “Fine I guess”
“Well, I’ve made a decision. I believe you should go to an asylum. Not that your crazy, but they will give you help for your suicidal problem. Dakota, I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t hate me but I have to, you know this. You almost killed yourself.”
“I’m aware of what I almost did. I don’t want to go to no damned asylum. I know what’s wrong with me. I’m not happy, there’s no reason I should be on this earth okay?”
“Yes, there is a reason. You should have more value to your life than you have….You don’t care about your life you should.”
“I should, I don’t.
She begins to cry.
“Stop it!”
She stops, “Your going. You have to. They will take you away from me if you don’t.”
I stop dead in my tracks, “They wouldn’t.”
She nods.
“Fine, I’ll fucking go to the asylum. Because I’m a fucking Nut.”
She stares at me without another word.
What more was to be said, my mom thought I was nut; there wasn’t anything to prove against that assumption either. What was I kidding, I was fucking insane. At least I’d be away from her dumb ass boyfriend. I guess anything was better than being stuck there with an alcoholic stepfather. I close my eyes and feel as I drift of into a strange sleep.
The sleep didn’t last long; I feel a jab of pain rip through my head...
“FUCK!”
My mom jumps up and grabs my arm.
“What’s wrong honey?”
”There something fucking wrong with my head. I have this pain. It hurts badly. It’s a pain that is killing me. Help mom! Please help me!”
She pushes the nurse button and all the nurses pile in my room.
My heart rate raises and I feel my life slip before my eyes.
Maybe I would get what I wanted all along. Death of me.
I close my eyes and this bright light opens before me.


Am I going to heaven? Or hell? Since I killed my self I should be going to hell. But maybe just maybe God is letting it slide? Does god forgive that easy? Seriously I don’t know. My mom doesn’t believe in god neither does my drunk stepfather. I do though. Why should I?
After all he’s the reason I’m on- well was on this earth. Here I come God.
What I thought, when I woke up to be heaven was still the fucking hospital. Sweat covered my face. Mom’s eyes were drenched in tears. I move and she jumps up.
“Honey? Are you-Okay?”
“I don’t know if I’m okay, I kind of hoped you knew, what happened?”
“Well you had a seizure. The doctors weren’t surprised at all. For Christ sakes you shot your self, you’re lucky to be alive.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be.”
She rolls her eyes.
I look at her in disgrace.
“Why are you acting as if you’re disappointed?”
I just keep looking at her.
“You’re disappointed in me? Oh I see, but I can’t be disappointed in you? You’re the one tried to kill yourself. I have a right to be disappointed. You have a good life. I’ve always been there. I don’t understand where I went wrong.”
“Oh, just like you to say something like that. You have always been there for me but as soon as you started married that piece of shit you haven’t been there at all. He tries to fucking beat me every night. As soon as he knows you’re gone, he comes up those stairs. I use to be so afraid when you left now, I’m anything but scared of him. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of school and more than ever tired of you. I’ll go to that stupid asylum, but when I get back I’m going to live with dad. He wants me, he’s told me he does so don’t try and say he doesn’t. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t need pity. I have been talking to dad for the past few months.”
Mom keeps looking at me. I could see with the words I’ve said she was upset.
“What ever you want. That’s all I’ve gave you. Mom, I want this, mom I want this. I gave you everything. I’ve let you do what ever you wanted. Go where ever you wanted and now I get treated like shit. Dakota, please tell me I still can at least see you. You’re my son.”
I Nod.
She smiles. “You should be able to leave soon. Not this week but maybe this weekend.”