Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Rest of the Story

The Life of Brian

by stick97 4 reviews

Brian had been bored for the longest time. What happens when he meets another speaker?

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Ginny,Harry,Tom Riddle,Voldemort - Warnings: [!] [!!] [V] [X] - Published: 2009-07-15 - Updated: 2009-07-15 - 1870 words

Apologies to Monty Python.

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"


"Ssssome thingsss in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other thingsss jusst make you ssswear and curssse,
When you're chewing life's grissstle, My but that's a tasty rat!
Don't grumble,
Give a Hiss
And thiss'll help thingss turn out for the bessst.

"Hello? Is there someone here? I sort of fell down a hole and ended up here and when I talked to the snake..." came a smooth, cultured voice.

A S-Speaker!?!? Thank Set! It's bad enough I got left down here so many seasons ago by that bastard Salazar, but I have had that stupid song of Grandad's stuck in my head for the past 500 seasons! Everyone else in the family gets named a cool name like Skeltor, or Deathbringer, but I get named after Grandad's old master. Honestly, how great a master was he if he got crucified!?!

"WHO DARESSS KAFF! COUGH! COUGH!" Nice Brian, first speaker you meet since Salazar, and instead of making a good impression, you nearly choke on a stupid rat, and spew half digested rat all over him!

"Sssorry, give me a second...HACK HACK Oh Ssset, that'ss better! Ssorry the lisssp sshould go away in a sssecond or sso. I bit my tongue. Ok, ssso who are you and how did you end up down here? Got to play up the whole King of Serpents thing here, otherwise he'll probably try and act like I am his familiar or something idiotic...

"Well, I was minding my own business and I just fell down this hole and ended up here." said the young man wearing the robes that were similar to the ones Salazar himself had worn.

"Right kid, rattle the other one for me. Give me the truth and your name, or I will be crapping your bones out to match the rest of those you're standing on in a few days!" said Brian.

"Err.." At this the boy straightened to his full meager height and threw his shoulders back, and said in a haughty tone, "I am Thomas Marvolo Riddle! I am an..."

"Right kid, Tom it is, so how the hell did you get down here? You smell like a mundy and if you weren't speaking Parsel, you'd be Basilisk droppings already." said Brian, as he coiled ready to strike if his BS detector went off again.

"Uh well, you see I was snogging with my girlfriend in the girl's loo, and I was trying to get her to... Well, I asked her to open her mouth and the next thing I know I am falling ass over tea-kettle down this great bloody hole." said Tom in quite the rush, as he glowed bright enough to overcome the flickering of the everlit torches.

"You're shitting me? You were trying to get a hummer and that's how you discovered the Chamber of Secrets? Set, you probably are related to Salazar himself! He always was a perv! Putting the entrance of his 'Secret' Chamber in the girl's loo. Dirty old monkey-faced pedophile!" ranted Brian.

"What do you mean I could be related to Salazar Slytherin? He was the greatest of the founders! What do you know of him!" shouted Tom.

Crap. Oh well, in for a scale, in for a shed skin.

With that Brian and Tom had struck up an odd friendship. (Brian really was desperate) They had discussed Salazar and his family history, where it turned out Tom actually was related to the old monkey. Tom brought down the odd treat from the castle's kitchens, and Brian was actually enjoying his miserable existence for once in the past 1000 years.

Then of course there was the little accident.

It really wasn't Brian's fault.

"If life ssseemsss jolly rotten,
There's sssomething you've forgotten,
And that'ss to laugh and sssmile and ssslither and ssssing.
When you're feeling in the dumpssss,
Don't be sssilly chumpsss.
Just purse your fangsss and Hisss.
That'sss the thing.

"How would you like to see my snake, Myrtle? Just let me open" drifted down the voice of Tom from the girl's loo.

Oh great! I finally get to meet Tom's girlfriend, I hope she's nice, frankly Tom is kind of an arse!

Brian had popped his head out of the open entrance to the Chamber and saw Myrtle on her knees in front of Tom.

Wow, he has her trained right! Good to see that she knows how to worship the King of the Snakes properly! Bit of a bobble head though...

Brian chose that moment to peer over Tom's shoulder and change the course of wizarding history forever.

"HI!" hissed Brian.

Unfortunately for all parties involved, Brian had very, very poor timing. Myrtle was worshipping a trouser snake, and was not expecting a 60 ft Basilisk to appear over the boys shoulder, as she moaned in enjoyment. (Her mouth was full after all.)

A series of unfortunate events followed. Myrtle was petrified and died due to the gaze of the shocked Basilisk, who had opened the second membrane covering his eyes and preventing their normal deadly glare. Tom lost the ability to reproduce with out magical insemination of his partner. And Brian was quite traumatized as well. He needed bleach to get that vision out of his head. And unfortunately, he was so traumatized, that he could no longer close the protective membrane over his eyes.

So Tom had tricked him into the small chamber behind the statue of Salazar and trapped him there under a stasis charm. He also said something about no longer having a use for his little black book, and had cast very dark magic upon it, wiping it clean of the names, addresses, statistics, and rankings he had painstakingly entered. He did promise to pin the blame on someone else so that they would not come looking for him, and that he would return to free him.

So Brian slept under the stasis charms until he heard a familiar voice calling him.

"Brian, are you there? Wakey Wakey!"
came a voice that reminded him of Tom but

Sssykknrxxx Whazzat?!? Tom? Is that you? asked Brian. As the mouth of the statue opened, he slithered out to find...

"Oh for the love of Set, come on, can't you get enough of these little Lolita's??? I mean come on the last one bit off your todger! The least you could do is go for one with grass on the pitch! Experience is a good thing! Tom? Tom? Where are you Tom?" ranted Brian.

"Right here asshole!" came Tom's voice from the...she couldn't be more than 9 or 10 years old!

That began what was probably the worst season of Brian's life. The little ginger had been possessed by Tom in an effort to return to life. Unfortunately, while being weak willed, she did have a remarkable focus on one thing. She seemed to be infatuated to the point of stalking the young boy Harry Potter. Which of course just sent Tom even further off the deep end. Turns out Tom had become a Dark Wizard action figure look alike (no boy parts) and had tried to kill Potter as an infant. He had been killed and only lived on as a shade in his old little black book. So while Tom was trying to be reborn, he had to work around the little stalker girl.

It had actually worked out well, as all three had been in a bizarre discussion about how to take care of the cocks that could kill Brian. The ginger had gotten quite excited about that, and said that she had been listening to the older girls on just that subject earlier in the week. She said her mother told her that to land Harry she would need lots of experience with handling cocks.

It seemed there had been a definite misunderstanding between the ginger, Tom and the older girls. Every time the girl called him from the Chamber she had been doing ...AWFUL things with those poor dead roosters. He had tried to run away and ended up petrifying several innocent children. He tried to avoid the odd couple of the millennium, but Tom was too strong.

Brian was singing to himself morosely, when he heard the call again. He really wished he could just curl up and die. He had no desire to see those two crackpots again. Maybe if he kept singing and stayed curled up in the antechamber he could ignore them.

"For life isss quite absssurd
And death'sss the final word.
You must alwaysss face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your ssssin.
Give the audienssse a grin.
Enjoy it. It'sss your last chanssse, anyhow.

Brian had heard Tom talking to someone, and oddly enough he could understand the other male voice as well! Oh praise Set! Please let this speaker not be a certifiable nutcase like the last two! He had uncoiled, and tried to make his way out of the statue's mouth as fast as possible.

"Look, I don't know what this crazy ginger tranny has told you, but I didn't want to have anything to do with their crazy schemes! I mean the things they did with a rooster! Those things will kill me, and I felt sorry for them! You've gotta believe me! Get me out of here and..."

Oh shit. Is that a flaming turkey? Oh no, please don't let it see me. Those damn things think my eyes are a delicacy! SHOO! SHOO! Go take a flaming crap on a Inferi or something!

"ARRRGGGHHH!" screamed Brian as his eyes were plucked out and devoured by the phoenix.

That tears it! I am going to make that little bastard Tom Snake droppings like I should have when I first met him. Damn, they both smell the same. Oh wait, one of them is running. Tom knows he is in for it now. Run Monkey boy! Run!



What the hell!


As Brians life faded he sang a last song to himself to ease the pain.

"Life'sss a piece of ssshit,
When you look at it.
Life'sss a laugh and death'sss a joke it'sss true.
You'll ssssee it'sss all a ssshow.
Keep 'em laughing assss you go.
Just remember that the last laugh issss on you. Think I winged the little bastard, I hear him screaming now! Serves you right! Dirty monkey humping pedophile!

Alwaysss look on the bright sssside of life.
Alwayssss look on the right ssside of life.


A/N Wow. There is something wrong with me. That was some f'd up shit. But guess what I already have plans for the next chapter, and they make this look tame. No more Voldy/Myrtle shennanigans to worry about though. Honestly, what girl ghost would admit to dying after biting off someone's bits? And why the hell else would a guy be in the girl's loo?
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