Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Rest of the Story

I am Female, hear me ROAR!!

by stick97 2 reviews

Cranky and Pregnant are a terrifying combination! mild bashing

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry,Hermione,Moody - Warnings: [!] [V] - Published: 2009-07-26 - Updated: 2009-07-27 - 922 words

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"

Ch 4. I am Female hear me ROAR!

Helga was in a foul mood. First those other bitches had been jealous about her new children with her husband. Then the little whores had all gone and gotten knocked up as well. Of course while they had all gotten fat and dumpy, she simply glowed. She kept having the most insane cravings for pickled snorkack and frozen nargles, and couldn't get comfortable to save her life. Then they all get told they have to go on a business trip and that she has to of course bring the kids with her.

After a miserable trip with Cathy, Suzy, and Wanda all complaining the whole time about everything and anything, she was ready to kill someone. Worst of all, she missed her husband. She was with child and everyone knew what that meant! Of course the trollop trio had no problems there. They were happy for the attention that little red head meatbag kept paying them. They really were low class harlots. Honestly! He was a little pervert, and if he kept sniffing around her, she was going to show him why she was the undisputed Queen of the group.

Then she found out what the trip was all about, and she was livid. She gets brought over from Romania for some sort of stupid Wizard game show??

Oh, someone was going to burn for this!

So now, here she was stuck in a dumpy little paddock surrounded by a crowd of howling meatbags! If they woke up her children early she would immolate all of the little snacks on legs. They had "chained" her in place, which was simply humiliating. Who still uses rusty iron shackles? They clashed horribly with her shiny black scales and bronze horns. The least they could have done was leave her a few virgins to munch on, and made the chains a nice coordinating gold or silver. Low class bastards! No one followed the old niceties anymore. Well at least they gave her a nice large piece of gold. Gold set her eyes off so well!

Then that goofy looking little meatbag wearing a second skin with a odd spinning eye had come out and cast an aging spell on the enchanted chains binding her. She could tell that with a slight shrug they would fall to pieces. Not that she couldn't snap them at her leisure, but it was at least considerate. She had thought about leaving him be, until she noticed his perverted stare, trying to look under her tail!! He had quickly run off after a gentle "correction", whining about his smouldering arse. Were all of these meatbags so perverted? It certainly explained the abundance of virgins in the crowd though...

Suddenly the meatbags all quieted dramatically. From the tent she saw a tiny quivering little meatbag come out. What was this ridiculousness? He was so small he would probably get caught in her teeth. She huffed in frustration! Well, he was at least fast, it would be decent exercise to catch him. Not like that odd googly eyed little meatbag.

Now where did he go? She heard a high pitched shriek again, and looked into the stands. Goodness! That little virgin had a set of lungs on her. She looked especially tasty! She even was tenderizing her face with her own fingernails! Definitely potential there. Maybe she would keep her around to train the other virgins. Oops! back to the tiny meatbag, can't let oneself be distracted. Greta let that happen, and she ended up as a pair of boots for some knight - Greg or Borge or something...

Well, well, well! Seems this tiny little meatbag had some stones after all! He had stood up from behind the rock he was previously cowering under, and was standing in a heroic poise, with his hand reaching up in the air. Poor thing, it was probably so traumatized that it forgot it didn't have a sword.

Ah, adrenaline and terror made the meat taste so good. Now for a quick flambe to give it that delicately crispy exterior and...

Wait! SNIFF SNIFF That smell was familiar!! The meatbag smelled like that little red headed pervert! And he had a broom?!? What the hell was with these crazy little meatbags around here? Unlike those little whores, she had no desire to be stimulated by a meatbag with a broom and inadequacy issues. That tears it.






First, she was going to devour that little bastard after she shoved that broomstick right up his arse and made a roasted meatbag on a stick! (See how he liked getting splinters back there!)

Second, she was going to burn this whole place to cinders and ash!

Third, she was going to grab that little virgin, (goodness, but she was loud!) a few more for the wing, and get back to her hubby for some proper attention!

Ooooo look food on the fly! Thought he could outfly a Hungarian Horntail did he?!

As Helga took wing, one last thing was going through her mind....

'Here meatbag, meatbag, meatbag!!!'

A/N Really. I don't know where the hell I get these. I figure the HH is the most vicious of the dragons in canon, so she would have a bit of an attitude after all!
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