FicWad

The next morning was possibly the worst morning of my life.

Besides waking up naked, hung-over, and de-virginized, my entire body was sticky, smelly, and covered in mosquito bites. Gerard was lying beside me, arms wrapped around me protectively, and I quietly pushed his arms off of me. I remembered last night. It wasn’t like when I remembered my night terrors, where images came flooding into my mind all at once and I wanted to rip off my skin at the sheer horror of them. I woke up thinking of last night, and I tried to figure out whether I was happy or not.

I studied Gerard as he snored softly on the blanket, naked. He didn’t look any different, now that he wasn’t a virgin. His messy black hair was mussed and stuck his forehead, and his perfect pink lips were parted slightly, and his pretty porcelain skin was still flawless. No, he looked exactly the same.

I looked at my own body. I was spotted with tiny red bites, and they all itched at once. Other than that, I didn’t look different. But I felt different. Exposed, dirty, used up. Would Gerard even want me now? One of my most vital features, innocence, was gone. Would anyone want me?

Okay. So, I wasn’t happy.

No big deal. Haven’t been happy for a while now, so what’s the problem? I stepped over Gerard, covering as much of me as I could. I knew no one else could see me and Gerard was asleep, but being naked outside is a little embarrassing. I had my bra and panties on when Gerard woke up.

“Hey, beautiful,” he said groggily. His voice, though low, went through my head like a jackhammer.

I groaned, and quickly slid on my pants. I didn’t want him to see me naked again. Ironic, I know, seeing as I’d just lost my virginity to the boy, but I felt weird. I pulled on my jeans with difficulty, then tossed Gerard his boxers.

He tried to sit up, and said, “Fuck liquor. It’ll be a while before I drink again.” He pulled on his boxers and sat up, holding his head between his hands.

As I was pulling on my shirt, Gerard came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my stomach. I pulled my shirt down and pushed his arms away.

He looked at me, hurt. “What? Was last night…not great? I mean, I know we were wasted, but…” He smiled weakly.

I looked down and shook my head. “No,” I said. “It was great. I just need—” /To go back in time and stop it/. “—to be alone for a bit.” I couldn’t have made eye contact with him if I tried.

“Lily?” he said. “Look at me.”

I concentrated on his nose. Such a cute nose it was. “Yes?”

“I did mean it last night.”

“The sex?”

He laughed, then cringed. “Ow, head. No, when I told you I loved you.”

I looked in his eyes, his beautiful hazel eyes, filled with sincerity. I wonder what he saw in mine. Guilt, most likely.

“Yeah.” And I walked up the stairs and back into the house, leaving Gerard standing on the grass in his boxers, staring at my retreating form.

I walked in the door to see Ray (why was he always here?), Frank, and Meg drinking water and keeping the volume on the TV down to a minimum. Meg smiled at me. “Someone and her boyfriend didn’t come home last night.”

I choked back tears. “I’m going to take a shower,” I said, and walked straight into the bathroom without looking at either of them.

I locked the door, took off all my clothes again, and turned on the water. As soon as I stepped under the stream, the tears fell and I couldn’t stop them.

I felt cheap.

I felt like a part of me was missing.

I felt easy.

I felt alone.

Is this how everyone felt after their first time? I couldn’t imagine so. Gerard seemed pretty content. Then again, he was a bit saner than I was. Or better at hiding it. Besides, he was a man. He was supposed to happy that someone finally gave it up.

Me. I gave it up.

I almost cracked my head on the wall when the door opened. I stuck my head out behind the shower curtain and saw Meg staring at me with a stony expression on her face.

“Did he hurt you?” she asked.

“Who?”

“Gerard! I swear to God, Lily, if he touched you inappropriately—”

I laughed at that. She thought he’d molested me? Ha! As if Gerard could ever be anything but a gentleman when it came to the physical side of our relationship. He’d suggested sex, and I’d done everything but stamped FUCK ME, GERARD on my forehead.

“No, it’s not that,” I said awkwardly after Meg gave me a strange look. The hot water soothed my headache and my bites.

“What happened last night, Lily?”

“I had sex with Gerard,” I replied.

Meg sighed. “This is gonna be a long talk.”

I immediately plugged the drain and turned the shower off and the faucet on. Meg sat on the toilet, and I sat as the bathtub filled up. I spotted a bottle of bath foam on the shelf beside the sink. With the shower curtain still closed, I pointed at it, and Meg handed it to me, and sat back down. I poured half the bottle in the water and watched the bubbles rise. Once they had risen enough to cover my body underwater, I opened the shower curtain.

“How was it?” she asked.

“Uh, good, I guess?”

“Was it consensual?”

“Of course! Gerard isn’t a rapist!”

“I know that. Just making sure. You look pretty stunned.”

“Well, I guess I wasn’t ready.”

“You think?” she scoffed. “Sorry. That came out harsher than intended. Anyway, why’d you do it?”

“Well, I was drunk. It just…wasn’t how I figured my first time would be.”

“Hm. Let’s see: under the stars on a warm summer’s night, with the man you love after he confessed his love to you, and you don’t get in trouble for breaking curfew after you spend the night together. Yeah, you’re right, no girl ever wants /that/.”

“I didn’t plan on getting drunk and sleeping with him and not remembering half of it and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes or sleeping with Gerard right after my night terror about getting raped.” I gathered some bubbles in my hand and blew them on the wall.

“So you weren’t ready. When I lost my virginity, I was in the tenth grade and Jimmy Sanders told me he’d love me forever, then when we were done, he got dressed and told me not to tell anybody. You, missy, lost yours to Gerard, who, even I will admit, is extremely hot and sweet, a total catch.”

I thought about Gerard. He was sweet. He made my stomach do flips every time he kissed me and last night, while I was still drunk, was incredible. Possibly the best night of my life, even if I was upset over the loss of my innocence. Then I thought about how he must be worrying right now.

“He is perfect, isn’t he?”

“For you. I prefer someone a little more…smooth around the edges. Like Ray!” she said.

“Ray’s smooth around the edges?” I asked. “He’s got an afro.”

“Okay. Well, Ray is my next conquest. He’s sweet, and cute, and smart.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty cool, I guess.”

“He’s more than pretty cool. He’s coming to visit us in Goodwill Falls when we go back. He’s staying at Frankie’s.”

“I’m staying at Frankie’s.” I wasn’t defending anything, just stating a conversational fact.

“You are.”

I nodded.

“Do you feel better?”

No. “Yes.”

“Then I’ll leave you to your bath.”

“Thank you.”

She left the bathroom and I bathed, then got out, and let this water drain out. I wrapped myself in a towel and left the bathroom, to see Gerard walking through the front door, shirtless and disheveled. He had a blanket in one hand his shirt and shoes in the other.

He looked at me as though he wanted to say something, but I was naked and I felt exposed, plus there were three other people in the room. He opened his mouth, but I ran to my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I got dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, and didn’t even bother with makeup. Today wasn’t a deal to look pretty, today was a day to deal. I left my hair down to let it do as it may, and went back outside. I heard someone in the shower, and saw Ray, Meg, and Frank still watching TV.

Good. Gerard wasn’t around.

I wasn’t sure if I could face him.

What if all Gerard wanted from me now was sex? That’s what all guys thought about all the time, right? What if he didn’t want me for me anymore, only my body? I couldn’t handle that. And though I knew my fears were completely unfounded, it didn’t make me feel any better.

I sat down next to Meg, who put a hand on my knee warmly and smiled. I smiled back. It didn’t feel right, smiling. And that hurt more than anything.

We watched Jerry Springer for a while, and then Gerard came out of the shower and went into his room. The boy was beautiful, in nothing but a towel and soaking wet. He was so beautiful it made me sad.

He came out of his bedroom in jeans and a t shirt five minutes later, his hair in wet chunks sticking his face. He smiled awkwardly at me and sat down next to me, and put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. The contact made me uncomfortable and I moved away slightly, avoiding eye contact. We sat like that for the rest of the day, and Ray made us sandwiches at lunchtime, and it wasn’t until about four that anyone actually left like going anywhere.

“You guys wanna go swimming?” Frankie asked with a bored expression on his face. It was the fifth episode of Jerry Springer.

Meg stood up. “Me and Lily do!” she said. She took us into our room and we changed into our bathing suits in our respective corners. Hers was fuchsia and mine was black and red plaid. I pulled the shorts I’d been wearing over my bottoms, and found some flip flops. Meg pulled my long hair into a braid and tied it loosely.

We went outside and the guys were standing there with towels and in shorts, waiting for us to go. I grabbed some sunscreen and a magazine and shoved it in a beach bag, and we walked out the door together towards the swim beach.

Gerard, who hadn’t said a word to me since we woke up this morning, walked beside me alone, towards the back of the group.

“What’s wrong, Lily?” he asked.

“Hm?” I inquired. “What makes you think something’s wrong?”

He licked his lips nervously. “Well ever since we, er, ever since last night, you haven’t spoken to me. Or looked at me. Or touched me.”

“Oh. That.”

“Yeah, that.”

“It’s just…weird.”

“Lily, I want to be able to talk to you, but you have to be able to talk to me, too!” he said hastily. He eyes flashed with annoyance. “I’m not just a random guy, I’m your boyfriend, and I love you.” He pushed a lock of hair Meg hadn’t braided out of my face. “You’re mine.”

“I wasn’t ready, for last night. It’s weird, and I can’t talk to you right now. I’m sorry,” I said blurrily, and walked ahead and caught up with Meg, who was giggling and touching Ray’s hair.

“Lily!” he called. I ignored him until we got to the swim beach, where Meg, Ray, and Frankie immediately ran into the water. I took my sunscreen out of my bag and began applying it, because I burnt easily and had bad memories of sunburns I didn’t feel like going through again. It was cloudy, but that didn’t mean anything. I’ve been burnt on cloudy days before.

“Lily,” Gerard said, coming up behind me. Shit.

I turned around slowly. “Yes?” I said, staring at my shoulders as I applied sunscreen vigorously.

He grabbed my face, and made me look him in the eye. “How are we supposed to get over this if you won’t even look at me?”

I looked deep into his hazel eyes. “I don’t know,” I whispered shakily. “Maybe we won’t.”

“We will,” he said just as shakily as I had. “We will, because I need you. And you need me. You’ve been weird for weeks.”

“Well, I kind of found my ex-boyfriend’s body on my front porch, then had his mother call me a whore in a church full of the mourning. Things like that take a toll on a girl. Oh! And I’ve been having these creepy nightmares where you end up dead, and Jacob rapes me. Oh, and I lost my virginity, my one last piece of innocence, last night. To you. While I was wasted.” I frowned. “So, I’m sorry if I’m weird, Gerard. I’m not having the best summer.”

He looked at me solemnly for a minute. It started to rain a bit. I could hear Meg and the crew laughing about swimming in the rain softly in the background of my and Gerard’s stare down. After a minute, he said, “You’ll always have innocence, Lily. Innocence isn’t virginity. It’s goodness, and kindness, and love. You’ll never not be innocent. You’re too…good.”

The rain trickled down his tired, glum face. “What happened to you, any of it, you didn’t deserve it. Life was cruelly twisted and manipulated around you, because you’re too innocent to know any better. What Mrs. Burke said to you at the funeral was the biggest lie I’ve ever heard from any one. And I really hope you get happy soon, Lily, because I miss the old you.”

I thought about everything he’d said to me. After a minute of only hearing the rain beat down and quiet laughing from yards and yards away, I said, “Gerard, do you ever feel like you’ll never be happy again? Like, everything you do is for nothing, and no one will ever care?”

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close to him, and whispered in my ear, “Only when I’m away from you.”

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Eh. I’ve written better.
Anyway, super dramatic chapter coming up, so rate and review nicely and I’ll make it worth your while…eh???
Yeah. So, do it. Now.
Please. :D