Categories > Anime/Manga > Inuyasha > A Sad Lack of Consonants

Xtreme Man-Skillz

by cellar-door 3 reviews

In which Kouga shows off his manly skills, and Sesshoumaru Gets Angry.

Category: Inuyasha - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Parody, Romance - Characters: Kagome, Koga, Sesshoumaru - Published: 2006-04-14 - Updated: 2006-04-15 - 1239 words

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I don't hate Sess/Kag fanfiction. And there is nothing wrong with Jaken being gay. =.=


Jaken had never been a big fan of women. Not to say that he was gay, or anything. It was simply hard enough to find a female romantic partner, as he was, in his green, wrinkled glory. He had decided, eventually, that it was better to stay single, on the grounds that that most women couldn't successfully pass his litmus test of what makes a proper mate.

1. Should be appropriately small, green, and squeaky.
2. Should live to serve. (I mean, this was the Sengoku Jidai. Women were seen as common accessories-like boots, only trodden upon more often.)

The women he'd met in his life so far had a very different idea of what made a good "life mate." Their thoughts concerning Jaken had mostly tended towards two questions:

1. How is that thing actually alive?
2. ...Can you make it dead?

Consequentially, he found this whole business of Kagome with Sesshoumaru rather ridiculous. Sesshoumaru-sama seemed to expect him to look after Kagome, as if she was his responsibility.

So it was with a burgeoning sense of dread that he realized that he was going to have to be the one to inform his master that she was gone.

Slowly opening the shoji door to his master's office, he stepped inside with a low bow, hoping that this day would not be last. It wasn't Sesshoumaru himself that he was frightened of. It was the mindset of the typical romantically inclined authoress.

He knew that he had already fulfilled his main purpose-he had interrupted what could have become a steamy sex scene (A/N: lolz go c chappie 4 or 5 or sumthing its totally hawt), therefore adding to sexual and dramatic tension. Whereas he used to be a glorious plot device, with a purpose, now he was nothing but an ugly frog demon.

A really ugly frog demon.

"What is it, Jaken?" stated Sesshoumaru, not even bothering to lift his eyes from the paper he was reading.

Jaken nervously leaned on his staff of heads. "Sesshoumaru-sama, I have just recently been informed by K'tanya that the human has escaped from the castle."

"NANI?" roared Sesshoumaru. (English-Japanese translation: "NO WAI.")

"Hai," stuttered Jaken, his heart racing in fear. (English-Japanese translation: "WAI.")

"Well, then," whispered Sesshoumaru, his golden eyes glinting with barely-suppressed rage, "the hunt is on." He glided out of the room smoothly, leaving his retainer alone-and unharmed-behind him.

And though Jaken would never truly admit it to himself, he couldn't help that that statement was simply one of the hottest things he'd ever heard in his life.

Not that he was gay, or anything!

It was just hot.


Kouga couldn't believe his luck in running across Kagome. Earlier in the day, he'd been sitting around, eating raw rabbit like usual, when he was suddenly overcome by the urge to travel. He was sick of his current "neck of the woods." By gods, he didn't even know what a "neck of the woods" was, exactly, though he couldn't help but assume that it was located somewhere between the shoulders and the head. He just wanted to get out of it.

"Ginta, Hakkaku," he had proclaimed between tearing off blooding hunks of meat like all real males do, "I'm sick of this neck of the woods."

The two wolf demons had nodded in understanding.

"It's high time we explored other places."

They bobbed their heads again in response, assuming the "other places" merely meant somewhere simple like the other side of the mountain. The thought that "other places" meant a weeks-long trip to somewhere far on the other side of Japan never crossed their minds.

(This is, in fact, a factor that has contributed greatly to the migration of both demons and humans across the earth throughout history. Cavemen would be sitting around, grunting occasionally and innocently doodling pictures on cave walls, when the chief would stand up and declare, "Guh-guh-guuuuh-guga-Gah-GAH."

Roughly, "It's high time we explored other places."

The cave people would meekly agree, unawares that they would in fact be led all the way to other fricken' continents instead of the hills across the valley. This is, coincidentally, how the government is planning to colonize other planets in the near future. "Oh, don't worry! We just think you need a vacation-a chance to explore other places! Really, you'll just be taking a short trip to Jamaica! Hah-hah! What do you mean, that looks like a spaceship!? I have no idea what you're talking about! Hah-hah!)

However, even in Kouga's wildest dreams, he would have never imagined that his courageous steps forward in domestic travel would lead him to his woh-man-Kagome. This was just too good.

Even better was that she was being pursued by two bloodthirsty demons. Now was a prime chance to show off his masculine skills. And boy, did Kouga have masculine skills. You could even go so far as to call them extreme masculine skillz. After all, it's a proven fact that adding a "z" to any word will make it more than ten times cooler. (Source: National Society of Illiterates)

Or even better:

Xtreme man-skillz.

These included the ability to fight off all sorts of dangerous beasts and monsters (with an added offensive bonus if the aforementioned monsters were attacking a romantic interest), the ability to wear fur shoulder pads without looking like a total tool, and the ability to hunt down woodland animals for food to provide for his tribe. (Cooking, however, was not one of Kouga's available Xtreme man-skillz, however, so you really had to like raw meat to appreciate this form of provision.)

He took the initiative in battle by jumping forward and swiping deftly at one of the two demons with his claws. Through a combination of luck, and the fact that actually spending the time to describe long and complex battles can be a pain in the butt, he killed it instantly.

The larger demon let out a bestial roar at the sight of his fallen comrade, his earlier caution flying away in the face of his rage. Twisting to his right, he sideswiped at Kouga, who easily evaded the blow.

But all was not well.


What Kouga had not been prepared for was that the demon's hind leg would kick out and punch him solidly in the side, sending him crashing into the underbrush. Swearing, he stumbled to his feet and swiped at the demon with one hand, the other desperately clutching his side.

This time, his attack connected, and the demon's now-severed head rolled on to the forest floor with a sick thump.

"Ew," said Kagome, who had decided to stand on the sidelines and do nothing on the grounds that it would be much more fun to let Kouga get injured and then nurse him back to health in true Kagome-Sue manner than to actually get involved in the battle herself.

(Important Life Lesson: Fighting for yourself in these kinds of situations is a total faux pas. It's like wearing all-denim-it's just wrong.)

Kouga lifted his eyes to meet hers, grinning despite his blood-drenched wound. "It's been a while, beautiful," he drawled. "Want to be my woman now?"
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