FicWad

There were no pancakes the next morning. Just me..... alone..... and pathetic. My neck hurt so badly from sleeping in the goddamn tub...made the dull pain I had left in my ankle seem like nothing. I sat at the kitchen table staring down the cup of instant coffee I just made. My stomach felt queasy. The coffee looked like mud. What the fuck, I can't drink this shit. Maybe some cream will help it. I get up to get the milk and look at the clock. It was almost 2. The phone started ringing. I reach over for it. "Hello?" I said balancing the phone, the milk and my crutch.

"Hey baby" the voice says. I don't recognize it

"Who's this?" I ask. It certainly wasn't Gerard. I pour the milk in the coffee. It still looked like mud. Only lighter.

"What do you mean who's this?. Shit you don't even remember my name Hun." The voice said. It was Jay. He was the only person who ever called me Hun.

"Oh Jay sorry. I just woke up..Im kinda hung over." I said dumping the coffee down the sink.

"Rough night huh? I guess then Lia gave you my gift?" he laughed.

"Gift? you call that a gift? are you kidding me- those pills had me fucked over." I replied. My stomach was growling. I open the cabinet. Shit there must be something to eat in here. I pull the phone from my ear trying to reach the crackers. How the fuck did Frankie manage to put these up so high?

“.... Really, I would've like to." Jay was saying

"Like to what?" I said ripping open the package.

"To fuck you." He laughed. I rolled my eyes. What the hell these are unsalted..I thought I told Frankie to grab the salted ones...Fuck these taste like cardboard...Damn it!

"Frankie..." I mumble under my breath. Jay must've heard me.

"What...you still with that prick?" He sighed

"Uh..no, no I'm not...I was just..never mind...so what's up Jay?" I tossed the crackers back in the cabinet and pulled the phone closer to my ear.

"so there's this club.. well, it's more like a shithole of a bar." Jay coughed a little. "But there's this really good group playing tonight...Kinda heavy metal shit....so what's up you-you wanna come. we could hang out. Fuck around after."

Ah fuck around after. How romantic. I stood up and went to the fridge. Must be something here I can eat....

"Elle- are you there?" he asked

"Uh yeah I'm here." I replied looking over the contents in the fridge.

"So what that's a fucking no?" He said roughly

"No, I didn't say no." I said sweetly

"So its a yes then Hun?" He asked

"I don't know Jay...I " I started and he cut me off.

"Look you're not with that motherfucker anymore. not that that ever stopped you...so what is there some one else?" He persisted. Someone else? My mind went to Gerard....His arms around my waist... His breath on my neck.... I closed my eyes. "Elle?" Jay was calling my name. I opened my eyes. I remembered Gerard pushing me off him last night...

And I told him "no...there's no one else." Wishing for someone wasn’t the same as actually having them now was it…

Later the car horn honked outside. What a fucking gentlemen Jay was. I'm glad my papas not here to see this..the look on his face if he saw me like this.....Where the fuck was I going anyway...Heavy metal?..Thats what Jay said. I don't even like heavy metal... I decided to wear a short black shirt and tight gray v-neck sweater. My ankle didn't look too swollen anymore. I wrapped it once around in the bandage and I managed to put my clunky Mary Jane heel over it. I figured I didn't need the crutch as long as I didn't try to stand for too long.

I did a few lines of coke while I was waiting. My eyes were bloodshot. I was flying. The pain in my neck was gone and my ankle felt great. I skipped down the steps and slid in to Jays car. He leant over and kissed my cheek. He reeked of pot. Well, he was a pothead.

"What's with the ankle Elle?" He asked as we drove away. I told him about my fall and my papa. He just nodded. He reached in the ashtray and pulled out a baggie filled with powder. At the next red light he poured some into a water bottle and handed it to me. I swirled it around till it dissolved and I took a sip. It tasted like water. Stale water, but water none the less.

"What this?" I asked. Oh good move Elle. First drink the shit then ask what it is.

"Special k, I figure they're not gonna serve you inside." Jay says. Oh how sweet. Now I know this is seriously fucked up. I shouldn't be here with him…I can hear Gerard’s voice echoing in my head...'If he cared he wouldn't...' I can practically see my papa shaking his head disappointingly at me...

I stare out the window...trying to clear my mind...Jay reaches over and put his hand on my knee. He's sliding it up my thigh. Fuck. I take a large gulp of the water. Suddenly I don't care about his hand anymore and I can't hear Gerard’s voice...or see the look on papas face....

We pull up to a dark lot. Jay gets out and opens my door. He lifts me out of the car.

"Can you walk?" he asks. I nod. He slides his arm around me and puts his hand on my ass as we walk in and I don't even care. He's right. This place is a shithole. There’s a band playing on stage. It's so fucking loud. He leads me through the crowd. Then he calls out "Hey Toro!" my heart sank. he couldn't mean...Fuck. Thank god! It was Ray's brother. I went blank. I couldn't remember his name. Fuck. I took another sip. He nodded at Jay and then looked at me.

"Aw. hey Elle." He stammered. Fuck. I nodded. "Uh...Lia’s not here is she?" He said looking around worriedly. I shook my head no. He looked relieved.

"Hey you're not still pissed about that?" I asked him. He shook his head.

"At you no...at her..mmm well". He said looking down. Aw Lia. You do know how to rip a guys heart out. "Would be ok..if she wasn't fucking my little brother ..." He looked off behind me like he saw someone he knew. Then his voice trailed off. "uh..I'll be right back..You wanna drink?"

Jay said yes. I said no. I was surprisingly content with my water bottle. It was almost empty. Jay sat down and pulled me onto his lap. His hands ran up and down my body. He was kissing my neck. I could feel his breath on my neck. It felt good but not like Gerard...God I have to stop thinking about him.

Rays brother came back. He put some beers on the table.

"So how do you know Jay?" I asked. Toro answered. I wasn't listening. The music was so loud. I was starting to space out. Then I saw someone over Jays shoulder. Fuck I think I'm losing my mind. Is that?...no it couldn't be....Gerard?

I blinked my eyes and the figure was gone. I turned my attention back to Jay and Toro. They're talking about something. It's so hard to focus...something about guitars. I gotta get up. I need some air. I feel like I'm suffocating..."I'll be right back" I tell Jay as a I get up. I've got to get some air.

I manage to find the bathrooms. I splash some water on my face and wet my hair a little. I feel totally refreshed. I bounce back to the table. There’s someone sitting next to Jay. I squinted my eyes. it couldn't be... it was !! holy shit! it is Gerard, and next to him is Ray, then Rays brother and some blonde girl I've never seen before. She was totally wasted. Gerard stared at me. Ray kinda waved. The table was covered in beer bottles some were full, most were empty. I stood looking at all of them for a moment then Jay looked up and noticed me.

"You're back! " he said smiling. "oh uh shit Elle, this is ... uh Toros brother and uh..uh what's you're name again?" Jay said looking at Gerard. Jay was drunk.

"Gerard." I said. Jay nodded. He pulled me onto his lap.

"Aw Hun so you know 'em?" He said reaching his hand out for another beer bottle.. His other hand was on my knee but he was sliding up my inner thigh, I saw Gerard watching his hand as it moved further and further up my leg. He was half way up my thigh when I squeezed my legs shut on his hand.

"Uh yeah." I said reaching down and taking his hand out from between my legs. I wrapped his arm around me and leaned back on to him. Gerard smirked and downed the shot glass in front of him. Judging by the smell of him he had no problem being served.

The guys continued on with their conversation. Apparently in addition to being a serious stoner and petty thief Jay was also fencing shit. Great. You sure know who to pick em Elle. Ray was trying to haggle a deal with him for something. His brother and the blonde chick had gotten up and left holding hands. I was spacing out.. again...

The music was so mesmerizing. I kept hearing the same guitar rift over and over again. I stared off at the band. I could practically see the music notes flying off the stage..I wanted to get up and touch them but I couldn't move. There was a loud noise. Gerard slammed a bottle on to the table and I snapped out of it.

I look down Jay had slid his hands all the way up my waist and was rubbing his hands along the bottom of my breasts. My skirt was higher up than before. Gerard was glaring at me. I tugged at the hem of my skirt and looked over at Ray. He was leant back in his chair running his hands through his fro..He seemed frustrated. I pushed Jays hands down off me.

"You ready to go?" I asked Jay as I stood up. My fucking head was spinning from the music.

"Naw baby, not yet." Jay said reaching for another beer.

Gerard stood up. "I'll take her home." He said taking my hand. Jay reached up and grabbed my arm. He pulled me back behind him as he stood up.. He looked pissed.

"What the fuck man?" he mumbled to Gerard. Shit. Jay was beyond drunk. He was gonna make a scene. I felt like I was gonna puke. Gerard ran his hand through his hair.

I reached up my arms and wrapped them around Jays neck. "no its ok Jay...he's cool" I said squeezing Jay towards me. "anyway I'm real tired. " Jay sighed. I ran my hand through his hair. "Listen if you're not too wasted, come by later...I'll make it up to you..hmm."I whispered in his ear. He kissed the side of my neck and grabbed my ass before I pulled away. Gerard turned his back to me and was talking to Ray quietly. I nodded at Gerard and waved bye to Ray.

I followed Gerard outside and got in his car. He started it up and we drove for a while in silence. I opened the window. The air was so cold, it was sobering me up.

Then he turned to me and said "So uh Joey Marshall huh?" he says…What the fuck is he talking about. I stared at him blankly. "Aw come on Elle..you don't even know his fucking name!!" He said banging his hands against the steering wheel.

"Who's Joey?" I ask. I'm so fucking confused. I start to shut the window. "oh you mean Jay?" I ask.

Gerard is speeding. He turns to me "Joey is Jay? ...Jay happy pill Jay?" He's shaking his head at me. Another car swerves around us honking its horn. Were speeding faster now. I grab onto the door handle.

"Well yeah Jay -o - e- y" I say. Maybe were not speeding. Maybe it's my imagination...

"You called Jay...?" He says turning to me. "After everything....he's.. aw...motherfucker!" Another horn honks. Gerard swerves the car again. No it's definitely us speeding. Fuck I wonder how much Gerard drank?

"What's that suppose to mean?" I ask "You have a problem with Jay?"

"No I have a problem with you." He snapped.

"What the fuck is your problem!" I say. He didn't answer. The car was going faster now.

"What the fuck do you want from me?" I was yelling at him. "What would you like me to do Gerard? Sit home every night and cry?.." I said. My eyes were starting to well up with tears. " I can't stand being in that house alone..." I said biting my bottom lip.

"I just thought that you knew better.." Gerard said softly."....that after..." Gerard’s voice trailed off. He slowed at the red light and was looking in the mirrors.

"After what Gerard?" I said softly back. "What exactly happened?" He stared straight ahead and didn't answer. I rolled my eyes. Fuck. It's always the same with him. "That's what I thought..." I said. Then there was silence...

Finally Gerard spoke. " I don't want you seeing him anymore Elle.... "

What the fuck! Now he's starting to sound like Paul! I snapped at him.." you cant fucking tell me who to be with... God I fucking know you don't care for me! . so what the fuck do you care about who I'm with. God damn it Gerard slow the fuck down!!" I yell as we make a sharp turn down my block.

"What the fuck do I care?! Damn it Elle you have to be the stupidest fucking chick I know!" He yells at me. He eyes were filled with such rage. It scared me."youre right!! you do what ever the fuck you want huh, just next time remember to hike up your skirt a little higher, I don't think everyone at the bar got to see you!" he says slamming on the breaks in front of my house.

My eyes are flooding with tears. What the fuck does he want from me. I mean how can he be so mean. I start to cry. He looks at me but doesn't say another word. He just sat and watched me cry. I hate him...I mean it I fucking hate him.. is this how he gets off fucking around with me?..fucking a.. I have to get out of here.

"You know what- fuck you Gerard, I thought we were friends...." I say getting out. My head is spinning. Gerard gets out too. I limp up the stairs and he's following behind me. God damn it. What more does he want from me. I spin around. "What?...hmm what is it now you're not done insulting me?" I demanded

The anger in Gerard’s face is gone. "I'm sorry" he says I shook my head. "Its just...I just..." He went on. I turned my back to him looking for my keys

"Just go home...You’re drunk." I say pulling out my keys. I needed to get inside and away from him. He grabbed my arms.

"Fuck Elle, listen to me..." He said pulling me towards him. "I'm trying to tell you..to tell you.." He sighed a little.

I looked into his eyes. I could feel my knees getting weak. "What?" I whispered as he pulled me near and kissed me.