FicWad

I'm not exactly sure what happened next...I could feel Brutus on me and then in me... I was slipping in and out of consciousness...Every time I would start to come to I would struggle and scream and he would choke me again to make me stop. Each time he seemed to get rougher and rougher. I found myself praying that I just wouldn't wake up again... That I could stay in the darkness where it was safe… But I couldn’t… I woke up to the nightmare over and over again until finally it was over.

I woke up again slightly. My hands were free laying at my sides now. I could no longer feel the warm blood on my arms as it had dried. But I was too weak to move. Unsure of where I was. I opened my eyes and found myself staring up at the ceiling. My left eye was swollen slightly and it was hard to see clearly. But I could tell I was still in Brutus' apartment. On his couch still. And then I felt a sharp pain on my chest.-right over my heart. I winced in pain.

"Don't move you’ll fuck it up." I heard Brutus growl. I lifted my head slightly. He was on the floor leaning over me with a needle in his hand. Dunking it in a little container of ink. He poked me with it again and I realized he was giving me a tattoo between my breasts.. Right over my heart actually. That little bit of bone where your ribs join together... I couldn't remember what that's called and I didn’t care. I winced in pain as he poked me once again....

He smiled a little as some blood dripped down my stomach... "I'm almost done." He said poking me again. I looked around. I was laying on his couch completely naked. My clothes were all over the floor.. I could see the bruises and cuts on my arms and more on my legs. But just looking at them made me feel faint. "Now you'll never forget." He said chuckling a little as he got up. The room was still spinning but I forced myself to stand up anyway. Every muscle in my body ached as I slid on my jeans.

"What the fuck did you do to me?" I mumbled as I looked down at my chest. There was a small scorpion tattoo crudely drawn on me. No bigger than my fingernail... It was bleeding and swelling up now. I grabbed my shirt. I could see Brutus looking at me out of the corner of his eye as I slid it on.

He had a strange look on his face. Like he was thinking about what he should do with me now. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach... I wasn't quite sure what time it was but it was day light out now... I was glad that I couldn't remember everything that happened the night before as my mind was still fuzzy - but I remembered enough...Enough to make me sick... Enough to make shake as Brutus was came towards me. I looked over his shoulder out the window.

The sun was starting to come up and all of a sudden it just hit me. I knew he wasn't gonna let me walk out of here if he thought I was gonna... Oh god!....

"Hey uh thanks" I said forcing a smile. Brutus looked at me with uncertainty. "I uh really like the tattoo a lot." I said picking up my boots off the floor. I was so sure he could see my hands shaking. That he knew I was full of shit. How good of an actress did I think I was. There was no way he was buying this was there? He didn't say anything...he just watched me put my boots on…"On and um sorry about the mess." I said still smiling fakely gesturing to the knocked over Christmas tree. I picked up Lia's bag and stood up. He was still just looking down at me not saying anything. "I uh... uh... Fuck.. you know sometimes coke really fucks me up man. I don't always know what I'm doing..." I said and laughed nervously. Those were the exact words Gerard told me. I felt sick... Gerard... Oh god... I cant think about this now... not now....“But I had a great time. Maybe we’ll do it again some night.” I laughed nervously and he smiled a little at me. That was my cue... "Uh see you around Brutus." I said and gave him a quick wave before darting to the door. I was half expecting him to stop me... He didn't though.

Once the door shut behind me I ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I still didn't have a coat and I was stupidly clutching Lia's bag... My mind was totally blank... I didn't know where I was going... I just knew I had to get as far away as I could...

I ran down the stairs and across the apartment complexes parking lot towards the library. I just ran and ran... I was afraid to look back...The library lot was empty. I guess they were closed since it was Christmas Eve... maybe they weren't open yet... I don't know...It was still real early... I'm never up this early. I mean the only time I'm fucking up at this hour is when I stay up all night.... Fuck.. up all night....

Damn I missed the whole rave... Gerard must be pissed at me...I didn't show up...didn't call... nothing.. Fuck! My eyes were filled with tears but I was so shook up I couldn't cry. I felt like I was numb...I just ran towards the library... choking on my tears... I still didn't have a coat and the wind was sending shivers up my spine...I didn't know where I was just knew I had to get away... I wasn't even sure if Brutus was following me or not...I was too afraid to look.

I ran around the side of the library building and leant against the brick wall. I was out of breath...I just need to rest if only for a moment...Think about what I'm gonna do... I could see a shadow coming around the corner. I held my breath as it approached... No.. It couldn't be... I looked up in horror half expecting to see Brutus to come around the corner and bring me back to his hell...I suddenly felt like my life was slipping away and I wasn't ready. But I was too weak to fight for it…

That's all I could think as the shadow grew larger.. and closer. I slid down against the wall and put my head down on my knees and shook. I was so cold... And I had given up... I couldn't go on... I had nothing left in me... I shut my eyes and listened to the footsteps growing louder...and just waited.

All of a sudden I felt something wet on my face.. I open my eyes and there's a big husky dog licking me. I know this dog...Its Mindy...Pauls dog...

"Mindy?" I say softly reaching out my hand to her. She licks it. Am I dreaming? Am I dead? I press my face into her furry neck. She licks me again. I can feel it...That means I'm alive. and safe now... I'm safe now with Mindy.... "Oh god it is you" I sigh hugging her.

"Elle what the hell you doing here babe?" I hear Pauls voice. I see his feet next to Mindy. But I don't want to look up.

"Oh Mindy you're such a pretty girl..what a good girl...I've missed you so much." I said baby speaking to Mindy and ignoring Paul. Mindy is wagging her tail like crazy and making soft howling sounds at me. "woo woo woo." I mimic back at her.

"Where's you fucking coat " Paul sighs as he takes off his varsity jacket and lowers it down to me. I'm kneeling on the floor with Mindy. My hair is in front of my face my arms buried in her fur...I glance up at him but hes not really looking at me. Looking more in the distance. I guess looking to see if I was alone. I took advantage of it and slip the coat on quickly. It was so warm. I pressed it against me. God it even smelt like him. I looked back up at him and he was still staring off into the distance.

"Thanks." I say and look back down as he turned to me.

"Elle what the-." He said his voice abruptly stopping. He grabbed my face and pulled it up towards him.

"Its not that bad -really" I lie as he inspected my face...I mean I didn’t know what the fuck my face looked like. I just knew how it felt like. And judging by the look on his face- it looked just as bad as it felt. Maybe even worse… I wrapped his coat tighter around me. He didn't see any of the bruises on my neck and I didn’t want him to.

"Who did this to you." He starts to demand and I jumped up.

"Paul please stop." I beg him. He just looked at me and shook his head like he wasn’t going to let this go. He reached out to take my hand and I took a step back. I put my hands into the coat pockets and I felt some loose change. "Look I just need to make a call real fast okay. I'll be right back and we‘ll talk okay?" I said running towards the pay phones near the doorway not giving him a chance to object.

I picked up the phone, tossed in the change and instinctively dialed Gerard's number with out thinking about how early it was. The phone rang not even once. It was more like half a ring when Mikey answered. His voice had a hint of worry in it.

"Oh Mikey its Elle...is Gerard there?" I asked as Paul came up behind me.

"Elle where the fuck are you?" Mikey gasped. I paused... they have caller ID right?

"Uh I'm at the library cant you tell?." I asked.

"What are you doing there...you know Gees been looking for you all night." He said slightly annoyed by my answer.

"I know... I mean I figured..." I sighed..."Uh can I talk to him?" I ask Mikey

"He's not here..." He replied softly. "He told my mom he was gonna stay at Bob's.. but uh I don't know.."

"Tell him what happened Elle." Paul says behind me.

"Shhh" I hiss at him and cover the mouthpiece with my hand a little.

"What?" Mikey says.

"Nothing Mikey." I say turning my back to Paul. I sniffled a little holding back tears. Tell Mikey what happened? Is that he said to me... I cant tell Mikey that... that... oh god...

"Tell him." Paul said louder. I shake my head no and press the phone closer to my ear.. I think Mikey may have heard him this time...

"Are you okay Elle?" Mikey asks softly as I sniffled again.

"Yeah uh... just tell Gerard that um... I'm sorry.." I said my voice shaking a little. "that uh I got in fight with Lia last night and I came to the library to be alone for a while and I uh got fucked up and fell asleep. Okay?" I say biting on my bottom lip trying not to cry...

"Can't you call him?" Mikey says yawning.

"No I don't have any more change Mikey...please!" I say as the recording comes on to insert more change. God damn payphones.

"Okay okay. wait uh .." He tells me as the line gets disconnected. I think he was trying to say something when he got cut off... It didn’t really matter. I hung up the phone and collapsed onto the floor hanging my head down. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Paul says looking down at me.

"Tell him what?" I ask opening them and looking up at him. He was frowning at me.

"Tell him what happened to your face Elle." Paul said glaring at me. “Unless he knows cause he did it.” He added and I frowned.

"No Paul. He didn’t. And really it's nothing ok." I lie yet again as I reached over to pet Mindy again. I loved that dog. She never judged me. Never interrogated me. Never made demands. Only gave me love. Unconditional love.

"Don't fucking lie to me Elle." Paul said lifting me up off the cold cement floor. I didn't even struggle. I was too weak to care... The coat he gave me swung open a little as he lifted me up. I just looked at him and shook my head no.

"Yeah.. something happened. You weren’t with that pansy then where were you Elle?" He said and I didn't answer him... "There's no way you spent all god damn night out here... not dressed like that." he said pointing to my shirt...Something caught his eye cause his expression changed suddenly. He grabbed my arm with one hand and opened the coat a little more with his other hand. He ran his hand gently along the bruises on my neck. It hurt as he pressed on them.

"ow" I moaned and tried to pull away. He gripped my arm tighter and I cried out louder.

"Elle." He insisted with anger in his voice." What the fuck is this?" He scowled at me as he slid the arms up on the jacket. Exposing my arms. They were bruised and swollen and cut. And here he is looking at me. Looking at me like it was my fucking fault...I started crying...hysterically... I couldn't hold it anymore... Lia was right... I was a tease... did I get what I deserved? Is this the ultimate karmic payback? I felt myself going faint.. And then. Paul pulled me towards his chest and hugged me.

"Come on" He said softly.

"I can't." I said between sobs. I was starting to hyperventilate... He sighed and lifted me up... I passed out in his arms as he carried me back to his mom's house...

I woke up in Paul's bed. I don't know how long I was sleeping... He was sitting at the foot of the bed just watching me. When he saw I woke up he jumped up. "Elle what the fuck happened to you?" He said brushing the hair from my face.

I was wearing his t-shirt now and a pair of his sweat pants that were way to big for me... I don't remember changing... He must have... oh god...I just shook my head and didn't answer him. My mind was spinning... I wasn't sure what was going on.. Everything seemed like a dream....

"What were you doing out there so early anyway?" I asked him sitting up. My head was throbbing. I rubbed my temples a little.

"Here." He said handing me some kind of pills and a glass of water. I looked down at it. "It's an aspirin Elle." He said softly. I squinted at it. "trust me." He said pushing his hand closer to me. Trust? that seemed like a joke now... I looked up at his face... He nodded...I hesitantly took them from him.

"So..." I said swallowing them. He looked at me like he couldn't believe this is what I want to talk about. I raised my eyebrows at him awaiting an answer.

"I'm uh trying to lose 10 pounds to get into a lower weight class Elle." He said sitting on the bed next to me. Oh fucking wrestling bullshit. I should've figured. He did this last year too. Early morning jogs and shit.

"So who was it Elle?" He asked me. I looked away. He grabbed my face and pulled it towards his. I hate when he does that... forces me to look at him..."I'm serious Elle." He said looking into my eyes I couldn't turn away so I shut my eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said without opening them.

"Fucking bullshit motherfucker" Paul mumbled and got up. I could hear him cracking his knuckles. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was standing over me.

"You're gonna protect him?" He half laughed half yelled.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I repeated. Fuck.. now I'm acting like Lia... stalling... trying to come up with something..

"Elle you're covered in bruises." He said softly sitting back down next to me. He reached out and took my hand... I just let him..."You cant say nothing happened." He said shaking his head...I still didn't answer him. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I sat there in silence looking at him.

"It wasn't like that." I finally said softly... He didn't believe me... Hell I don't even believe me... I was just in denial... If I don't admit it... its not true...

Paul jumped up in anger again. "Don't even fucking try to say that...argh! Elle! come on..." He paced the floor cracking his knuckles. He finally stopped and looked at me.. His voice got a little lower now." So you're saying you let him.." He said coming towards me. I wasn't sure what he was saying... I looked at him confused..."You let him rape you?" he asked folding his arms. He was looking at me intently... I shook my head at him. I was shivering even though it wasn't cold in his room.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I whispered closing my eyes again.

"Its real simple Elle. did you agree to it?." He said his voice was even lower now.

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter... I wanted to just disappear... "I passed out when he choked me... I don't know..." I whispered.

"Passed out?" I heard Paul snicker a little." He could fucking killed you." He yelled. I opened my eyes and looked at him." I want to know who it is NOW!" He demanded of me and I just kept my eyes down. "Damn it Elle." He moaned and lifted me off the bed. "You're gonna fucking protect that sick motherfucking bastard!" he yelled and I closed my eyes once again. I was shaking uncontrollably now...

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said softly sobbing again. It seemed to be the only thing I could bring myself to say.

Paul dragged me towards the mirror. I stared into it. My cheek was bruised badly. It was almost purple and had swelled all the way up to my eye which was bruised up too... I could see some marks on my neck... I leant my head forward so my hair swung into my face and I couldn't stand to see my reflection anymore...

“Elle look at yourself.” Paul demanded forcing my forearms into my line of sight. He had cleaned me up the best he could. I mean he wrapped some bandages around my arms. But Paul was an athlete not a med student… “You want me to take of the bandages?” He reached for them and I shook my head no but still didn’t speak. “And what the hell is this" Paul said roughly as lifted the t-shirt he dressed me up exposing the mark Brutus drew on me. "what kind of sadistic bastard would do that?" Paul whispered in my ear. I collapsed against him.

"Paul please don't tell anyone..." I begged.

"Elle.." he said reluctantly

"Please don't tell Gerard." I sobbed. I was sure Gerard wouldn’t understand. Wouldn’t want me anymore if he knew… I might’ve been a mess before but now I was permanently damaged goods for sure…

Paul hesitantly agreed he wouldn't tell anyone- if I told him everything that happened. So I did... I told him every last bit... He just sat and listened and didn't say anything...His face was totally blank...pale even. Finally when I finished he got up and grabbed his keys.

"Paul you promised!" I cried out as he walked towards the door.

"I know." he said as it slammed behind him....