FicWad

I took a deep breath and put my hand on the doorknob. I was going to follow him out...Stop him... from what I don't know... But I couldn't... I couldn't open the door. I was terrified suddenly... I didn't want to leave his room. I started shaking and slid down on to the floor. I crawled over to his dresser and opened the bottom drawer. I know there in here somewhere I thought as I dug through it.

Yes.. here it is. I pulled out the strip of ruffies. I popped two into my mouth and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep a while... I crawled back towards the bed and buried myself under the covers... At first I couldn't sleep. I was so restless. Just tossing and turning... Then the pills kicked in and I fell into deep sleep...

I could hear a woman humming softly. It sounded like my mom... I felt some one push the hair from my face. Could it be? My mom? Was this all just a bad dream? Were the last few years of my life nothing more then a bad dream? I opened my eyes slowly and tried to focus on the woman who was sitting next to me. The light from the window was shining right into my eyes... It was hard to see...

"Elle?" the voice said softly. I recognized it immediately and my heart broke a little more. It wasn't my mom... It couldn't have been... It was just a foolish thought from a foolish girl...

I looked up at Jen. Pauls mom. I was suddenly self-conscious of the bruises on my neck... I didn't want her to know... I pulled the covers up to my neck and looked at her with uncertainty. She had an ice pack in her hand and she was trying to put it on my face. I squirmed a little. "You must've hit your head pretty hard." She said looking at the bruise on my face.

"What" I said taking the ice pack from her.

"Well Paul said you were in a car accident." She said leaning towards me. She was staring at the mark on my cheek and frowning. "You must've hit the dashboard pretty hard." She said shaking her head. I took the icepack and pressed it against my face blocking her view of my bruise.

"uhhh, yeah" I said shivering a little. I couldn't tell if Jen really believed that I got this mark from a dashboard. I think she was worried that Paul did it...He did have an awful temper...

"Weren't you wearing your seatbelt." She said getting up and adjusting the curtains a little. The room was a little darker now. I just shook my head no.

"Uh where's Paul?" I said looking at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost 2 o'clock now.

"He should be back soon." She said walking towards the door. "Dinner is at 6 dear." She said as she shut it behind her. I don’t think she knew we broke up which was good because I didn’t want to have to explain anymore about the last few months then I had to.

I sat up on Paul's bed and tossed the ice pack on to the foot of the bed. I got up and picked up his phone on the desk. It was an old corded phone. I dialed Gerard's number and listened to it ring...I tried to stretch the phone to the bed but the cord was too short it hardly reached. Some one answered.

It was a lady... might have been his mom.. I don't know...I asked to speak with Gerard and she said to hold on. There was a lot of noise in the background... happy family sounds and what not...I was too weak to just stand in the middle of Pauls room so I climbed up on top of his long dresser and listened as the woman called for Gerard to pick up the phone...

I tried to cross my legs Indian style but my thighs were so sore... They were bruised pretty badly... I just dangled them off the side of the dresser. My toes barely touched the floor. I remembered Brutus grabbing my legs and forcing them open...I felt faint again...

"Hello?" Gerard voice said cutting though my thoughts.

"Hey." Was all I could get out.

"Elle?" He said. I swallowed back the tears that were building up.

"Uh did Mikey tell you I called? " I said trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Yeah uh hold on." He said. I could hear the background noises fade as he went into another room. It was quieter now.

"I wanted to tell you what happened." I said softly. I was I going to tell him. I didn't want to but I knew I had to...It was better if he found out now. That way he could just end things with me and move on.

"I know what happened." Gerard said and sighed. I felt like the world just crashed down around me...

"You do?" I asked surprised. Fucking Paul... He promised! How could he??

"Yeah Lia said you guys got in a fight." He said to me. I was speechless. So Paul didn't go tell him... Then where the hell was he? Gerard was still speaking. I tried to focus on what he was saying..."I should've told you, Elle. I just didn't want to get involved you know.. but you shouldn't have taken off like that... I was worried. I should've just told you before." He said sighing again.

"Told me what?" I said as tears streamed down my face silently. I bit my lower lip to stop it from shaking.

"About Lia and Bob." He said like it was the most important thing in the world. He didn't know how wrong he was.

"Oh." was all I said.

"Look its not like Ray doesn't know." He sighed. The bedroom door opened and Paul walked in quietly. He saw me on the phone and didn't speak. I looked him over as he walked towards me... He looked the same as when he left... But he was holding something folded up under his arm and he had a strange look in his eye...

"What?" I asked half listening to Gerard. Paul put what he was holding on the dresser next to me. It was clothes... my clothes... he must've went to my house and got them... I looked at him intently as Gerard spoke. Paul took of his coat and tossed it on the floor.

"Ray wanted to break up with Lia awhile ago so he asked Bob if he could help get her off his hands..." Gerard laughed a little.

Paul was taking off his sweatshirt now and his t-shirt. My eyes were locked on his. But never spoke...He was throwing his clothes into a pile in the center of the floor. It was surreal. I just watched him holding my breath slightly. Something was wrong with him...He seemed out of it...

"That's fucked up." I said to Gerard. Paul was down to his boxers now. He reached over my shoulder and grabbed the bath towel that was hanging on the closet door and walked out leaving me alone in the room.

"Yeah I know." Gerard laughed. "But now Rays not sure he wants to break up with her." He said laughing again.

"Huh?" I said hopping off the dresser. I went towards the pile of clothes Paul left on the floor and picked his shirt up. It wasn't dirty...wasn't bloody either -thank god! It did smell funny though... I couldn't quite place what it was... I took another deep breath of it as Gerard spoke.

"Yeah that's why I didn't want to get involved you know. I didn't want you to get involved either Elle." Gerard told me. “Some people just don’t know how to have a normal relationship.” He chuckled and I didn’t say anything.

I heard a noise and looked up. Paul had come back in. He had the towel wrapped around his waist. He still didn't speak to me. He just picked the clothes up off the floor and took the shirt from my hand. I looked into his eyes. They were filled with such...I don't even know... He gave me a weak smile and kissed the tip of my nose. My eyes welled up with tears as he walked out again. Gerard was still talking but I wasn't listening...

"Hold on" I told him and I put the phone down on the desk. I opened Pauls bedroom door slightly and leant my head into the hall. I could hear the shower running. I shut the door and changed into the clothes Paul brought me. I only put on the tank top and the jeans. He brought me a sweater too but it was one I never wear cause it itches so much...

I couldn't believe the number of marks on me. Now I know why Paul was looking at me the way he was... I should've never told him. It wasn't fair what I put on him...And now I'm gonna do the same thing to Gerard? No I cant... I wont...I went back to the desk and sat on the floor and pulled the cord on the phone so it fell into my lap.

"Are you still there?" I said into the receiver holding back tears. I absentmindedly opened Pauls desks bottom drawer and looked in.

"Yeah... are you at Pauls?" Gerard asked. God damn caller ID! Something caught my eye in the drawer. It was a butterfly knife... I remember when Paul bought it.. I lifted it out of the drawer and opened it.

"Um yeah..." I said holding the blade up and staring at it.

"Oh, I know you were going there for Christmas and all but I don’t know" Gerard said. I ran the dull edge against my wrist and bit my lip a little.

"Yeah his mom said we're gonna eat dinner in a little while." I said softly.

"Is everything okay?" Gerard said with a hint of worry in his voice.

"I have to tell you something." I whispered as I dragged the dull blade up my arm. I heard Gerard take a breath but he didn't say anything. I ran the blade slowly along my bruised collarbone and rested the tip on my heart. Right on the scorpion tattoo. “Did I ever tell you I love you." I whispered. I heard Gerard exhale in relief..."No I mean did I ever tell you that? " I said softly. " I know I've thought it ...god...so many times... but did I ever tell you that? That I really truly love you." I said squeezing my eyes shut and pressing the tip a little harder to me and I started to sob a little.

"No, I don't think so." Gerard replied. "I know this year it must be hard for you Elle." He said gently. Oh he had no idea..."You know with out your grandpa and all." He said pulling the phone closer. I can hear him sigh.

"Yeah.... Its not just that." I said softly. I was still holding the knife to my heart.

"What is it?" He said so softly and so gently I wanted to crawl into his arms forever... "You can tell me..." He whispered. I opened my mouth but nothing came out... All I could see was the look on Pauls face... the pain I caused him... I could do that to Gerard... not my Gerard..."Aw baby let me in." he whispered. I looked down at the knife against my skin and started to shake.

"I can't talk right now..." I said taking a deep breath. Gerard groaned a little. "No I'm okay really Gerard." I said leveling out my voice so I sounded kind of normal. "Trust me. I'm okay."

"All right Elle." He said reluctantly.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew how much I love you." I told him softly.

"I love you too." He said back. I could hear him smiling. He was happy... That's what I wanted...

"That's all then." I said wiping the tears from my eyes. "Just know that I love you and I only want to see you happy and um I wanted to say goodbye." Gerard laughed a little.

"You call to say goodbye?“ He chuckled. “Um okay bye Elle. Ill uh call you later." He said and I listened to him hang up. I dropped the receiver to the floor.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably now. I shut my eyes tightly and thought of Gerard's smile as I pressed the knife against my heart again.

This was the only way...

The only way to wash away the pain...

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. I was about to plunge the knife in my heart when...