FicWad

Someone grabbed my hand. I opened my eyes...it was Paul... He squeezed my hand so tightly I dropped the knife into my lap. He picked it up and held it in my face.

"Don't you EVER try that shit again Elle." He said firmly, looking into my eyes. I looked away. "Go take a shower Elle." He said softer. "We're gonna eat in a little while."

I just did what he told me. I was too weak to argue... I even put on that god awful itchy sweater with the high neck...

We ate dinner with his mom and step-dad and his two little brothers. Step brothers that is. It was awkward but over quickly enough. Pauls family is nice. Well they're nice enough... I don't think I would've been able to make it through dinner with out Lia's bag though...

Watching his brothers open their presents. Hearing them squealing in delight which each one they opened. My heart ached at the scene that was playing out in front of me. Two parents smiling.. watching their kids... holding hands...Fuck...

Maybe what happened to me was some kind of punishment for always being jealous of other peoples families... maybe I'm just suppose to be alone... alone forever... It was like Paul knew what I was thinking cause he hugged me and told me to go back up to his room and go to bed.

It was almost 2 am now. His brothers were allowed to stay up late tonight... In his family they let the kids open one present each hour. They still had a lot to go too… Last year the little one, Bobby couldn’t hang. He fell asleep halfway through. Poor kid was only 4 years old. But he swore he wasn't gonna do it again it this year. That this year he was going to make it till they were all opened...

I said goodnight and made my way back upstairs... Pauls room was dark... I hate the dark... There was a faint light coming from the clock radio. I turned on the lights. Everything I could find that lit up I turned on...

I pulled out the ruffies from the drawer and took two more. I took of my jeans and climbed into Paul's bed and pulled the covers over my head. I couldn't sleep with all that light in my face... I laughed to myself how stupid this was... turning on all the lights only to pull the covers over my head to block it...

I wonder what Pauls gonna tell his mom... why I'm staying... I guess cause I don't have a car... hmmm. I should've called Gerard again... but it was too late to call him now I thought as I drifted off to sleep...

I was dreaming. Dreaming of my life. Bits and pieces of it... It was running through my mind in my sleep. Mostly of my mom... There was so much of her that I was scared I was gonna forget... I could see her so clearly in my dreams... I was asking her to tell me who my dad was... She smiled and said he was right over there... she was pointing to...Oh god it was Brutus.... No it couldn't be... this is just a dream... he was coming towards me... open your eyes Elle!... wake up!!!

I opened my eyes quickly shaking a little. I was lying on Paul's bed still. But there was someone standing over me in the dark. They had turned off all the lights in the room. I was petrified suddenly. I couldn't breath... I sat up quickly and gasped for air.

"Hey" Paul said reaching his hand out and rubbing my back. "I didn't mean to scare you." He whispered.

"Oh no.. I....I..." I was trying to catch my breath.

"Aw fuck." He muttered sitting down on the edge of the bed rubbing my back still.
"I was just having a bad dream." I said softly laying back down on the bed..

"Elle- do you want me to stay here?" He asked tucking the blankets back around me.

"Where were you going?" I asked him confused.

"I was uh gonna sleep on the floor." He said and sighed. " I uh...uh didn't want to bother you." He said getting up off the bed.

"No please don't." I said reaching for his arm. He smiled a little and got in the bed next to me. I pressed myself against him. My heart ached... He wasn't Gerard... I wanted it to be Gerard so badly... I started to cry again... softly... Paul heard me and pulled me into his arms.

"Why do you even care about me anymore?" I sobbed to Paul.

"What?" He asked incredulously.

"I mean after all the things that I've put you through." I said as he wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Cause you're my girl Elle." He sighed. I pulled away slightly. "No I mean it." He said pulling me back closer to him." I may not love you like he does... but you'll always be my girl." He said and yawned a little.

"What do you mean?" I asked lifting my head up a little. He pulled my head back down onto his chest. I could hear his heart beating steady now.

"He loves you Elle." Paul said very seriously. "More than I ever did." He sighed.

"How do you know?" I asked him

He chuckled. "Aw come on Elle...really now my love..." He said... he called me my love...fuck.. he hasn't called me that in so long... I could hear his heart beating a little faster now. "He's always loved you." He yawned.

"Oh stop it." I said poking him a little. He was teasing me now... He had to be...

"He's loved you for years." Paul chuckled.

"And you've known that?" I said raising my eyebrows even though it was dark and he couldn't see me.

"Hell yeah!" He laughed now. "Fucking freak." He added.

"Hey now!" I said and poked Paul again.

"Aw sorry Elle." He chuckled.

"You knew he liked me?" I asked in disbelief.

"Uh yeah Elle." Paul snickered a little. "It was way too easy..." He said stroking my hair.

"What was?" I asked confused again.

"Messing around with him" He snickered again. "All I had to do was bring you up and he'd fly off the handle..." He laughed again.

I poked Paul's side again. "God damn you're such a fucking bully!" I told him.

He just shrugged and laughed a little more to himself... probably thinking of all the times he's tortured Gerard... I rolled over so my back was to him. "Awww Elle baby don't be like that..."He said pulling me back closer to him. "I'm sorry.. okay...I'll go apologize to him..." He said moving closer to me.

"Don't." I said firmly

"hmm?" he asked

"Don't talk to him." I said seriously

It was silent for a while.

"You have to tell him." Paul finally said.

I didn't answer him... I wont tell him... not ever...

"He's gonna find out." Paul said.

I shook my head no... no he wont... he can't....

"He's gonna see it eventually." Paul sighed.

I didn't say anything...

I knew he was right... I just didn't know what to do...