FicWad

'Come on Elle. Just suck it up.' I thought to myself gripping the small blade in my right hand. I held out my left arm. It was shaking a little.

"Fuck!" I yelled out angry with myself as my arm dropped down... Just do it... Don't be afraid... Come on Elle... I shut my eyes and remembered why I was sitting here. The touch of his skin, his weight pressed against me, inside me. His breath on my neck and his words... 'Never forget...never forget...' I can't forget... No matter how hard I tried...

I could feel my heart aching. I just cant do this...the pain was consuming me. I had to make it stop... I held my arm out again and looked at my wrists. I could see the veins running in my wrists up along my forearm. Once they hit my elbow they disappeared. That's where I put the blade. I pressed it down and squeezed my eyes shut...

Nothing happened... Then... I felt a sharp pain and I cried out a little opening my eyes... Blood was tricking down my arm. It was warm and cold all at the same time... The blade was stinging my arm so badly- it was all I could think about. I dragged the blade down my forearm up my wrist and into my palm....

I was panting a little... watching the blood trickle down the sides of my arm. I suddenly remembered Gerard's kisses... how soft and gentle they were. How he use to hold my hand in his...I held my hand up. It was sliced straight down the middle- all the way to my elbow... Blood was pouring out the sides of the cut, down my arm and dripping on to the floor... I dropped the blade in horror, he's never going to hold my hand again...I felt faint... I tried to stand up and fell into the wall smearing blood down it. There was so much blood... It wouldn't stop...

I tried to stand up again but the floor was too wet. I tried to grab the towel bar and pull myself up but every time my arm moved it felt like it was ripping in two...

Oh god... I crawled towards the door and reached up for the doorknob but I couldn't reach it... I was so cold... and tired... fuck...

Maybe I'll just shut my eyes for a second...

Try to regain some strength...

Yeah... that's all... just shut my eyes for a few seconds...

And everything went black...

... ... ...

I heard a noise.. But it sounded so far away... Some one was grabbing me pulling me up off the floor... Shaking me...

"Elle! Fuck!"

I opened my eyes and tried to focus...It was Lia... She looked like she just saw a ghost.

"What's the matter?" I managed to say weakly as she shook me.

"Oh fuck Elle." Lia said panicking. She grabbed the bath towel and wrapped it around my arm. "Oh my god." She kept saying. I cried out in pain as she put pressure on my arm.

"What the hell did you do?" She yelled picking up the blade and looking at in horror. She dropped it into the sink... She was hysterical. "I'm going to call someone,..." she said as tears filled her eyes.

"No don't." I said as she tried to help me up off the floor. I pushed her away.

"Elle.. I know I said some mean things...but I never thought that you would.. Oh god I'm so sorry.." She was crying.

She collapsed down next to me on the floor.

"No I...It wasn't cause of that, I mean it was, its just everything..." I bit my bottom lip and Lia wrapped her arm around me...

"Its okay Elle. I know things have been a little rough...but it cant be-" Lia said squeezing me.

"I think I'm pregnant." I say bluntly and Lia freezes for a moment.

"Elle.. that's... I mean Gerard would never abandon-" She started to say and then stopped. I guess she could tell by the look on my face... She always could tell what I was thinking..."Its not Gerard's is it." She says lowering her eyes from me. It was silent for a moment. "It doesn't matter, Paul can be an ass but-"

"Brutus." I interrupt her.

She just looked at me in disbelief. I started sobbing uncontrollably...I couldn't hold it any more...

"What?" She gasps looking over at me. She was still putting pressure on my arm, she let it up a little. "You slept with Brutus-I thought you said that-"

"I... he... He said I was a tease... and he hit me... and I passed out and he forced himself..." I was starting to hyperventilate...

"Shhh" Lia said hugging me. "You should've told me..." She said rocking me in her arms..."That's why you freaked out. I should never have made you go in there and... oh god Elle.. I'm so sorry...." She said crying a little too... She sat rocking me in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. Just letting me cry...."I didn't know...I mean I wouldn't have..."She sniffled pulling away from me..."Elle- are you sure you're pregnant? Really sure?" She said wiping the tears in her eyes.

"I don't know." I said hanging my head down.

"You don't even know for sure and you were going to..." Lia was frowning at me.

"I just wanted the pain to stop." I said shaking a little.

"And Gerard?" She says softly. "Did you tell him about Brutus?" I nod. "And that you think you're pregnant?"

I shake my head no. "I cant." I say looking down at my arm... "How can I ask him to fucking be there for me, knowing that it could be..." I felt tears pouring down my cheeks.

"That's okay Elle... If he can't deal with it then I'll...I mean WE'LL deal with it- together." She said getting up off the floor.

"We'll?" I repeat hesitantly.

"Well you're my sister right?" Lia shrugs.

"Did your dad-" I start to say and Lia shakes her head.

"No he...I told him what Gerard said about the letter and how you guys say him with her and he denied it. He denied it all..." Lia sighed. "He said a lot of things Elle.. About you and... He got in a fight with my mom and he fucking hit her." Lia said shaking her head a little.. . "He's just not the man I thought he was... I mean it turns out he's been seeing this girl now for a while." Lia said staring off into the distance. "They have a kid together you know..."

"What?!" I gasp.

"All those trips... business trips?" Lia smirked. "He was with her... She lives in Queens, well 'they' live in queens... in a condo!" Lia laughed.

"Lia I don't believe it!" I said shaking my head at her.

"Once a dog always a dog..." Lia shrugged. "That's what my mom said...I just wish I knew sooner." She sighed.

"You're not mad at me for not telling you when I saw him?" I sniffled wiping my eyes with my good hand.

"I was." Lia sighed opening the medicine. "I actually came over to get my half of our stash." She says.

I press the towel tighter to my arm. It was still bleeding a little. "Wait how'd you get in? You threw your key back at me that day" I ask.

"Come on Elle. You know I made more than one copy." She said smiling a little at me. I smiled back. 'It's a good thing I came here too." She sighed. "I thought you'd be in school still... but I when I saw you on the floor... God Elle... I almost died..." She said shaking a little remembering.

"Lia-" I said trying to get up.

"No wait," She protested..."Let me get uh something to bandage it first..." She says and opens the cabinet under the sink. She reaches in and pulls out a box of band-aids and holds them up. I frown. "What?" she says and she was serious too.

I pull the towel from my arm and show her. The cut was seriously like 12 inches long... "Uh how many are in there?" I tease.

Lia got pretty upset. "I'm sorry Elle. I've never had to do this before..." She said starting to cry again.


"I'm sorry!" I laugh.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Lia screams at me pulling a roll of gauze out. She comes over and starts wrapping it around my arm and my hand. It looked like a cast. A gauze cast...

"You're wasting it." I tell her.

She frowns. "Elle don't start. Let me just do this my way." She says firmly. I look away. "How did you.." She laughed a little.

"What?" I ask.

She's just shaking her head. "No I mean... well most people slit their wrists Elle, but you..." She chuckled.

"I what?" I said confused.

"You're a fuck up. I swear to god Elle. You are a major fuck up, and your lucky you're such a fuck up or could've been really hurt..." She says helping me up off the floor.

"What?" I ask again.

"You cut across!" Lia cries out. "Everyone knows that- you cut across!- but no not Elle... she fucking cuts diagonally!" She laughs. " And not even that deep."

"Well next time I'll try harder." I tease.

Lia frowns. "I swear to god Elle. If you ever!" She waves her finger at me. I look down apologetically. "Come on." She says lifting me up off the floor. She helped me back into my room.

I laid down on the bed and Lia laid next to me... I curled up next to her and she stroked my hair. I shut my eyes. It was silent for a while. Finally Lia spoke.

"What did it feel like?" She says.

"huh?" I say with out opening my eyes.

"When you cut?" She whispered.

"It was like pain." I sigh remembering the feeling.

"No but I mean why cutting?" Lia whispered again.

I opened my eyes and looked at her. "I had to make the pain in my heart stop."

"That doesn't make sense Elle." Lia says a little louder. " You were in pain so you cut? I mean if you like being in pain then why would you want it to stop?"

"It wasn't like that." I sigh again. "It made the pain in my heart feel weak in comparison...I felt like I could control it-making it start and stop when I wanted." I wince as she grabs my arm a little.

"Well go head make it stop." She says grabbing me tighter. "Make the pain stop Elle."

I yell out in pain. "Ow! I cant!"

"That's right!" She yells. "You can't make it stop! This!" she says shaking my arm a little. 'Will not make it stop. Do you understand!" She yells.

"Yes!" I yell back and she squeezes my arm tighter twisting it a little. It felt like the skin on my arm was ripping right off the bone. My eyes welled up with tears from the pain...

"Tell me you're never going to do it again!" She hisses at me pressing her lips together tightly.

"I promise." I say shaking a little. Lia's expression softened and she dropped my arm. She leant over and kissed my cheek and wiped the tears in my eyes. It was silent again...

"I'm sorry if I hurt your arm." She finally said softly. "But that's the only way to get through to you sometimes."

I didn't answer her...

My stomach started grumbling... loud...

"Tell me you didn't fucking eat today!" Lia laughs a little. I shrug. "Ill order a pizza." She says reaching for the phone. I took off my clothes carefully trying not to bump my arm as she ordered the pizza. My clothes were kinda bloody. I didn't even want to wash them... I left them by the closet door. I'll just throw them out later.

"Wait." Lia says hanging up the phone. "It should be like 10 minutes the guys said... here." She says handing me a wet washcloth.

"What's this for?" I ask.

She smiles and turns me to face the mirror. I had blood dried on my cheek and my shoulder. "Oh" I say wiping it off. Lia opened my drawer and took out a sweater and changed into it, she had blood on her shirt too. I put on a tank top.

"You're going to be cold." She says frowning at my choice of a shirt.

"I'll raise the heat up." I said shrugging a little.

"Here" she says reaching into my closet and pulling out my grandpas throw blanket. She wrapped it around me.

"Lia that's my-" I said holding back tears.

"I know." She said looking into my eyes. "But I think you need it." She said softly and there was a knock on the door.

"Oh do you have any money?" She says raising her eyebrows at me.

"You ordered pizza without any money?" I say following her down the hall. Typical Lia... I picked up my purse, that I had dropped in the hall when I came in and was pulling out a twenty out of it as Lia opened the front door and stuck her head out. I held the bill out for Lia but she didn't take it from me.

She was standing in the doorway with a puzzled look on her face.


"Who the hell are you?!" she cries out loudly...And I feel my heart skip a beat...