FicWad

There was a loud crash of thunder that startled me out of a deep sleep. I opened my eyes and I was lying in my bed next to Gerard. My bandaged arm was outstretched on a pillow in between us. He was sleeping... He must've fallen asleep next to me unintentionally cause he was still fully dressed laying on top of the blankets. He even had his shoes on... Oh Gerard... What have I done? ... He was sleeping but you couldn't call it peacefully... Even asleep I could see the worry on his face...He must've fell asleep watching over me... As I reached over and touch him a lightning flash filled the room. I looked over at the clock it was 4 am. Next to the clock on my nightstand was my moms' rosary... How did that get out? I keep it in my bottom drawer...-Gerard...I sighed and sat up. That's when I noticed I was wearing my pajamas too...

My mouth was so dry. I got up out of the bed with out waking Gerard and picked up my moms rosary beads from the nightstand. I squeezed them in my hand and looked back over at Gerard. I wanted to tell him I was sorry...so sorry... I wasn't sure how late he stayed up watching me sleep. I figured he needed some sleep too so I decided no to disturb him. I was heading into the kitchen to get a drink when I noticed Bob and Lia were sleeping on the couch... I guess they didn't leave last night either...Fuck... I really fucked up bad...

As I got a quick drink of water in the kitchen I ran my fingers along the beads clenched in my hand; trying to find some comfort in the memories of my mom...I went outside for some air. -It was dark out and it was raining... raining hard... looked like it had been raining all night...I sat down on the front step. It was wet. And cold... I closed my eyes as the raindrops fell on to me...

I started remembering yesterday rubbing the beads in my hand... God! What did I almost do? .... Dear God! Please don't let me be pregnant with his...his...oh God...I cant do it.. I just don't have the strength like my mother did... my mother...how she ever could've loved me is...Fuck... I started to shake a little from the cold squeezing the rosary tightly... I was wet and cold and I didn't care... I sobbed silently the tears streaming down my cheeks, blending with the raindrops. There was a loud rumble of thunder and I heard the front door open behind me.

"You're awake." Gerard's voice said. I didn't move. I opened my eyes as the thunder-crashed overhead. Gerard came and sat down next to me in the rain.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to him as the lightning flashed overhead. Gerard looked up as the lightning filled the sky illuminating us both.

"What is that?" He said nervously looking at my clenched hand. I turned it over and opened it showing him the beads. He sighed a little in relief. "Rosary." He whispered softly.

"You thought it was..." I said biting my lip a little. He thought it was a razor... I squeezed my hand back shut. "This was my moms you know." I said softly.

"Lets go in and talk." He said grabbing my arm gently as the lightning filled the sky again. He knew I was scared of the lighting.

"No." I said as he reached over and wiped my face. "I'm not afraid anymore." I said looking deep into his eyes.

"Of the lightning?" He said as the thunder clapped again.

"Of dying." I said biting my lip a little.

Gerard leant back and rubbed his neck a little as the rain fell on to his face... He wasn't quite sure what to say. "Do you...want to die?" He said taking a deep breath and looking down.

"No." I insisted shaking my head at him. He looked back up at me with pain in his eyes.

"Then why did you do it?" He asks me.

"I thought Lia told you." I said shivering a little. God don't make me have to say this to him... He reached over and wrapped his arm around me.

"She did." He sighed pulling me close. "But I'm asking why... you had to have known that it doesn't matter." He said squeezing me tighter. "I'll always be here, I swear that to you- no matter what."

"I didn't want you to have to go through that... Gerard -I didn't mean to do it...it was just, fuck it was way too easy." I said pressing my face into his chest as he rubbed my back as we both sat in the rain. It was silent for a moment. Then another loud clap of thunder overhead. As the lightning filled the sky I looked up into his eyes.

"I'm so sorry Gerard, I'll never do it again. I promise," I sobbed. "I didn't mean to hurt you." I tell him.

"Hurt me?" He whispered. "Baby don't you worry about me-"

I laughed interrupting him. "You're everything to me.- what do you mean 'don't worry about me', You're... fuck... that's why I only have one bandage." I say holding my arm. "Cause of you." I say and Gerard looks at me funny. "When I cut my arm." I try to explain. "I just wanted all the pain to go away."

"Did it?" Gerard interrupts softly.

"At first- yeah. I couldn't feel anything else but then... I thought of you." I said reaching for his hand with my good one. I interlocked my fingers into his. "I thought how Id never hold your hand again and I couldn't... I just couldn't..." I said shaking a little. "It was just too easy to end it... "

"Dying is easy." Gerard said lifting my face up and looking into my eyes. "Its living that's the hardest part..."

I laughed a little. As inappropriate as it was, I laughed. "Is this the part where you tell me that things get easier, that everything will be okay in the morning!" I laugh as he stroked my cheek.

"Naw baby." He said running his thumb across my bottom lip. "Things just get harder. That's why you've got to hold on."

"For how long?" I reply sighing a little.

"Forever." He says smiling a little at me. I smile back. "I want you to hold on forever with me...can you do that?" he asks me softly.

"With you?" I sigh as he pulled me close in his arms. "I think I could last ten lifetimes if I had you." I said pressing my face into his chest. We sat like that in the rain for a few minutes in silence. Then I sneezed.

"Come on you gotta get inside." Gerard said standing up. He pulled me up. "You're going to catch a cold sitting out here in the rain." He tells me.

"I don't care." I shrug leaning my head back so the rain fell onto my face.

"Well maybe you don't care but its not good for -" Gerard stops mid sentence.

"His baby?" I whisper biting my lip a little and looking down at my stomach.

"My baby." Gerard says grabbing my face in his hands. He lifted my chin so he could look into my eyes. "My baby Elle." He repeated.

I looked away. "You don't know that." I whispered so soft I was surprised he even heard me.

"I do know that." He said firmly. I shut my eyes a little.

"I can't ask you to-" I said choking back tears. "I mean if I am, I'd understand if.."

"If you are- then its mine and we'll never talk about it again." Gerard said firmly looking deep in my eyes. "Do you understand that?" He asks me and I nod. "Its me and you forever." He said kissing my lips softly. "Come on lets go in..." He said opening the door.

As we walked in Lia sat up on the couch. "What were? Fuck what time is it?" She grumbled half awake.

"We didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep Lia." I said shivering a little. Lia looks up at us and is squinting her eyes trying to focus in the dark.

"Were you out in the rain!" Lia yells as I ran my hand through my wet hair splashing some drops on to the floor.

"I'm up!!" Bob cries out startled from his sleep as Lia jumped up off him.

"What were you doing out in the rain!" Lia yells panicking a little.

"Fuck." Bob mumbles looking around the room. I guess he forgot where he was.

"I just wanted some air Lia." I sighed. She looked over at Gerard.

"Get her a fucking towel!" She snaps at him.

"I can get my own towel!" I say loudly to her. God I'm glad to see Lia and Gerard getting along again... Fuck...I go down the hall and grab two towels from the closet. I bring one to Gerard in the living room. I hand Gerard the towel and Bob gets up off the couch and wraps his arms around me, hugging me so tight I almost couldn't breath.

"Aw Elle." He sighs in my ear. "I'm going to kill that motherfucker." He growls a little.

"Bob don't." I say pulling back from him.

"Don't!" he scowls a little. "Are you fucking kidding me!" he yells. "When I get my hands on him-"

"Leave it alone." I say calmly. "I don't want any more trouble." I tell him.

"If I see him Elle-" Bob starts

"You wont." I say shaking my head a little. "The store is gone and that's it.. Okay .. He's gone- you're never going to see him again so let it go.." I sigh.

Lia makes a face.

Bob was scrunching his eyebrows thinking for a moment. "Li-" he says to her. "You went over to his apartment." She nods. "Give me the fucking address." He tells her.

"Lia was never at his apartment." I say confidently.

"I didn't know Elle." She said shaking her head a little." I never would've went there if you told me..."

"You were at his apartment!" I said looking at her in total disbelief. I knew she said she hung out with him but not... fuck.."How did you know where he..." I started to freak out a little.

"He was driving down our block Elle." Lia said her voice shaking a little. "That night you guys went to the movies." She said sitting down on the couch. "He uh asked me if I knew where you were and I said no." I went and sat down next to her. "Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out and I was just so pissed at everything that I said yeah." Lia sighed.

"And?" I waited for her to go on.

"And I followed him back there in my car. I only stayed a few minutes though cause he was creeping me out." Lia said frowning a little.

"So where did you go?" I asked her.

"Ah remember that chick Crystal that use to hang with Brian?" She asks and I nod. " I uh, ran into her at the gas station and I spent the night at her place." She shrugs.

"Lia, you know Crystal is gay." I whispered to her. I don't think any one else heard me. She didn't answer me.

"Give me the fucking address Lia!" Bob growls, pacing the floor a little. Lia opens her mouth to say something.

"No!" I shriek. "Bob please!" I beg. He shakes his head no. Lia just stood there not saying anything looking at me and then at Bob. I look over at Gerard. "Tell him no Gerard." I say trying not to cry.

"Bob, she's right." He said pulling out his cigarettes.

"Thank you!" I cry out as he lights it.

"You're not going to do anything about it!" Bob kinda laughs and yells at the same time. "You don't want to know where he fucking lives!"

Gerard took a drag from his cigarette. "No I fucking know where he lives." He said exhaling the smoke.

I looked at him in shock. "What?" I gasp. "How!"

"Lia told me last week." He said and I looked over at her. "I asked her where his apartment was when I found out she went over there and she told me." He said rather plainly taking another drag. I looked at him in disbelief. I mean it made sense. Lia didn’t know about any of this last week. Of course she would’ve told him where it was…

"You went there? What for?" I demand standing up and stepping towards him.

"What for?!" Gerard laughs. "To fucking invite him for tea! What the fuck do you think I went there for?"

"Gerard no." I said feeling queasy. "Please tell me you didn't..." I said my voice shaking. Gerard leant over and mashed his cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table. "Tell me!" I yell.

"Tell you what?" He said shaking his head a little.

"Tell me what happened!"