FicWad

"You and Bob are married? Since when?" Jessica says and a small smirk starts forming on her lips... Wow... so much for not giving her anything to use against me... I mean the only way this could be better is if I fucking gift-wrapped it for her...

"It's a joke." I say totally annoyed by her sudden burst of attention on me... What the fuck? I mean not two words to me all night, and now she wants to gossip like we're friends? I think not...

"Jess um why don't you go check on how Mikey's doing with that air mattress." He tells her as I turn and look at Bob standing all alone out on the deck through the glass doors in the kitchen... "And take this to him too." I hear Gerard say and I'm imagining he gave her the air pump. She didn't say anything back but I heard her walking out and then I saw Gerard's reflection appear faintly behind mine in the glass doors as I continued to stare out at Bob on the deck.

"Its my fault you know." I say watching Bob try to steady himself down in his head as he leant forward and looked over the deck railing... Fuck knows what he's thinking right now...

"Elle, its not." Gerard tries to say but I shake my head no insistently.

"No Gerard I did that." I say pointing to Bob despondently. "Don't you see? I shouldn't have told him." I whisper as he wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"Well what happened Elle." He says as I leant back on to him. "What did you tell him exactly that got him all worked up?" He asks and I frown.

"I don't know Gerard." I sighed a little. "I said a lot of things." I say as he squeezes me against him. "You weren't here." I say and he leans his head into my neck a little and sighs.

"I should have been here." I barely hear him say and I pull back from him a little aggravated.

"Stop saying that!" I tell him my voice a little jagged. "You should've been exactly where you were!" I say and he just looked at me a little speechless. "You had to be there don't you get it." I say shutting my eyes a little.

"Elle." He tries to object.

"No Gerard..." I tell him. "You don't get it...the pain and the fear that I felt that day... I wouldn't wish it on anybody." I say and he touches my cheek and I flutter my eyes back open. "But it's mine now, okay...It will never go away...not ever." I tell him and he looks at me like he wants to say something but I shake my head no. "It won't, trust me Gerard. It just won't..." I sigh a little. "But if you." I say pressing my palm onto his heart..."If you could stop someone else from feeling it too then what kind of person would I be if I stopped you. What kind of person am I for even wanting to stop you?" I say as I looked up at him. "A selfish one. That's what." I tell him and he shakes his head at me...

"Don't say that Elle-" He tries to stop me but I went on...

"No Gerard, its true... I mean when you first left I was so hurt, I mean I knew deep down inside you had to go and I knew I was being selfish, wanting you here with me, wishing that you were here with me instead of helping her. I mean what the fuck? I'm already damaged right?." I say my voice shaking a little.

"Elle you're not-" He says a little desperately, but I just talked over him.

"No, Gerard please just let me say this." I tell him and he nodded silently. "I'm trying to tell you that I know now that no amount of crying is going to bring my mom back or my papa or make this horrible pain I feel in my heart fade. I've realized that... I've accepted it." I tell him choking back on my tears slightly. "But honestly and I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm gonna say it anyway...your love... your love for me makes it hurt less." I say looking down at the floor... "And it's selfish of me to put my wanting to hurt 'less' over someone hurting at all...I am going to hurt... I know that. I know for the rest of my life I will be hurt. I don't know what I did to deserve it but..." I tell him and he lifts my chin up so I was looking back up at him.

"Elle that's enough." He says and I bit my lip a little as he looked into my eyes. "Is this what you told Bob sweetie?" He says and I nod.

"Yeah and a lot of other things." I sigh.

"Elle honey I want you to listen to me." He says grabbing my face in his hands. "You didn't do anything." He tells me and I just looked at him. "I want you to forget about all that karma bullshit and just look at me." He says and I try to... I mean I tried to clear my head and listen to his words... "Some times bad things happen Elle." He says and I nod.
"For no reason at all... they just... happen." He tells me and I just stare at him... Hearing the words but not quite believing them... He was waiting for me to agree but I couldn't...

"I suppose." I say weakly.

"And you are not selfish." He says and I frown. "Elle wanting to put someone else's needs before your own is not selfish...It's the complete opposite of selfish." He says and I just looked at him. "And trust me you are the furthest thing from selfish." He says and I sniffle a little. "You try to keep everything to yourself and I'm trying to tell you that you don't have to, people care about you." He says and I shake my head a little.

"Like who?" I say my eyes welling up with tears.

"Aw baby like everyone." He sighs a little hugging me. "Like me and Bob and Mikey and Lia and everyone." He says squeezing me against him.

"Gerard please." I sigh a little. He was trying to make me feel better but it wasn't helping...

"And even my grandma Elle." He says and I can't help but smile. "She asks about you all the time." He tells me kissing the top of my head. "She worries about you, you know?" He tells me and I try not to cry... I care for her too... "And in a weird way Paul cares for you still." He says and now I know he's getting desperate...

"Gerard stop." I say pulling back from him.

"Naw Elle he does..." He says shrugging a little.

"How could he fucking care for me and see what I went through and do the same thing to her!" I say a little loudly.

"Elle I really don't think he was gonna hurt her like that." He lowers his voice a little.

"What do you mean?" I ask a little confused.

"Nothing baby." He says shifting the conversation back...."I'm just trying to say that you don't have to keep everything to yourself." He tells me and I frown.

"Gerard look what happens when I share." I say pointing out to Bob. "You think that's fair." I tell him.

"Elle didn't I tell you life isn't fair." He says and I frown. "Sometimes things are gonna happen and its gonna be hard...but that's when you turn to the people who love you." He says as I look out at Bob.

"Like Bob?" I say.

"Well of course Bob loves you." He says wrapping his arms back around me and kissing my neck as I leant my head to the side..."You're like a sister to him you know." He says as I grabbed his arms tighter around me.

"In what hick state do you marry your sister?" I tease and he laughs.

"I'm serious Elle." He sighs a little. "I'm glad that you guys are so close." He tells me brushing the hair from my neck and resting his head on my shoulder as we looked out at Bob. "I'm glad that you now have someone that you can talk to Elle." He whispers in my ear.

"What so you mean 'now? I always had Lia." I tell him.

"I mean someone normal." He chuckles and I nudge him a little. "You know what I mean." He says and I smile.

"Yeah I guess." I sigh as he pulled me closer to him.

"I love you so much Elle." He whispers tenderly into my ear.

"Oh Gerard sometimes I wish you didn't..." I say under my breath and he heard me.

"Elle..." He pulls back a little.

"Its just everyone I've ever truly loved is gone and I'm scared that my love is gonna kill you too." I sniffle.

"Elle." He chuckles softly.

"I'm serious Gerard. I think I'm cursed." I tell him and he smiles... I don't.. I'm serious.

"Baby didn't we just talk about this... there's no such thing as curses or karma or-" He starts and I nod.

"Yeah we did and you said things just happen and I say yeah things just happen." I say and he nods. "Things just happen cause they're suppose to... its destiny." I say and he frowns.

"Its not." He argues.

"Well I hope to God you're right Gerard cause I swear if anything ever happened to you I would kill myself." I say and he frowns. "No I'm serious Gerard. I cant take anymore pain. If I lose you that's it. I give up." I say and he kisses my head.

"Elle I'm never gonna leave you." He says and I nod.

"Maybe not willingly no but if something bad ever happens." I say getting a little worked up.

"Its not Elle." He insists.

"Oh its 'not gonna happen' says the man who says life isn't fair... That sometimes shit just happens and you can't control it huh?" I challenge him. He didn't quite know what to say to that... "I'm telling you Gerard, this is it for me. I'm 'all in' on you... I get dealt one more crappy hand in life and you're taken from me, I mean if the river card flips and it sinks me... I'm just gonna fold up my cards and quit the hand." I say and he sighs a little.
"Those are some awfully big words for someone who cant play cards." He smiles as he kinda teases me trying to lighten the mood... I guess cause he knew I was serious, and that he couldn't argue back...

"Yeah well, what can I say...I've been watching the poker tournaments on cable after you fall asleep." I laugh and I reach up and kiss his smile before I pull away from him and open the glass door and step outside into the cold... And fuck was it cold out... I only had a tank top and shorts on and I was barefoot still...

Bob didn't even turn around...

"Go back inside Elle." He tells me with his back to me.

"How do you know its me?" I say smiling a little as I came up behind him.

"Cause I know you" he says but he didn't move...

"Are you coming back in?" I ask and I could see him sorta shrug in the dark. "Bob?" I repeat.

"Soon honey go back in, it's too cold for you out here." He says and I shiver a little but he can't see me cause its too dark and he still has his back to me...

"I'm not cold I have a coat on... and some boots." I lie and I hear him exhale a little as he leans his head back and looks up at sky thinking about something. "Bob I'm so sorry." I tell him and I glance over and Gerard's no longer in the doorway. I wonder where he went so fast...Fuck... Jessica... She probably asked him to tuck her in...bitch...

"Sorry for what Elle?" Bob says and I sigh.

"For putting so much on you." I try to say and he turns suddenly and faces me.

"No Elle I'm the one who's sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that." He says and he looks me over coatless and barefoot and kinda smiles like he figured I was lying about having a coat on...

"Bob." I go to argue and he puts his finger over my lips silencing me.

"Elle, no I'm the one who's sorry okay." He says and I nod. "I just cant help myself when it comes to you." He tells me and I look at him a little inquisitively... "Don't you see, I've been trying to tell you that, that-" He starts to say as he stops midsentence as Gerard comes outside carrying... what the fuck is he carrying?

"Is that my rain coat?" I laugh a little as he hands it to me.

"I couldn't find anything else." He says holding it up for me to put. I shook my head no... I mean it was yellow... shiney yellow no less...I was real fucked up the day I bought that let me tell you... I only wore like once or twice. I don't know where the fuck he pulled it out of either... "Elle put it on." Gerard insists. "Its fucking cold out here." He says and I roll my eyes...

"I swear between the two of you's." I mumble as I slip it on... They both seemed strangely satisfied. "This is ridiculous." I mumble... the plastic raincoat was colder on my skin then the air was... I guess cause it had no lining...

"If you don't like you could always ask Mr. Ass for his coat." Bob says and I smile. Gerard doesn't... Bob then goes on to tell him about the awkward conversation we had before leaving the dance...

"Elle do not go see him on Monday." Gerard tells me and I frown.

"But he said he'd pull himself from my file after Monday." I insist.

"He was lying to you." Gerard argues. I shake my head a little in disagreement. I look over at Bob.

"I'm sorry Elle but I agree." He says and I just looked at him and then at Gerard. "I think you should go in on Monday Elle and ask Mr. Bonner for a new consular." Bob tells me and I pout a little.

"Are you sure?" I ask him.

"Yeah honey I'm sure, the little bits he's telling you about your mom...it's just not worth it, all the aggravation you know." Bob tells me sighing a little.

"All right Bob." I hesitantly agree. "If you think its best, then I will." I say and Gerard looked like his eyes were gonna fall out of his head.

"What the fuck I've been telling you that for two weeks now and cause he says it once you're gonna do it!- just like that!!!" Gerard starts to yell and I smile at him... He was all flustered. Bob kinda laughed...

"Aw calm down Gee." I tease him wrapping my arms around his waist.

"I just don't get it." He mumbles as I jump up and kiss his lips...

"Get what? I'm her husband." Bob laughs. "Don't you know I have the final say around here." He tells us and I roll my eyes... Gerard just laughed...

"Yeah well enjoy it while it lasts motherfucker cause you ain't gonna be her husband much longer..."