FicWad

I could faintly hear Jessica crying through the wall. It was muffled but it was definitely her, sniffling and carrying on...And Gerard... well Gerard was gone; he wasn't in my room anymore...He wasn't in my bed... He was here when I fell asleep and now, now he's gone...

He promised to hold me all night and he did, but what? Now that its morning he goes to her?! To her!! How could he do this to me that motherfucker... I swear if he's in there with her I'm gonna kill him!

I shut my eyes and tried to listen for him...I couldn't hear anyone talking to Jessica in there. But it was muffled so I wasn't sure...she could've been alone... Or not...

He's fucking gone and I'm getting a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach imagining him in there holding her in his arms...

I jumped up out of bed and dashed out into the hallway...It was light out but I wasn't sure what time it was... I wasn't sure of anything anymore...

As I reached for the doorknob I just suddenly froze up... I mean I was going to open the door. I mean I had my hand on the fucking doorknob. I was going to go in and confront him but I froze... What if he's not in there? What if I'm just overreacting and he's in the bathroom or some shit and I go barging in like a crazy jealous girlfriend...Oh Jessica would sure love that... fuck...

I took a step back down the hall and peeked into the bathroom. It was empty... I wasn't surprised. More disappointed then anything... I had kinda hoped he was in there but he wasn't... He was with her. He had to be.

And I couldn't bring myself to confront him.

If I opened the door and he was in there with her... I swear I think my heart would just shatter and I'd die... Like literally die from heartbreak. I needed something... a fix... anything... I didn't care what...I ran back into my room and tore my drawer open and looked down at the altoids tin lying innocently there...I didn't want to take something, but I felt like I had to... I needed to... And I hated it... -But what am I suppose to do? Who do you go to when the person you need is the one hurting you?

I needed something.... I needed...Bob...

I needed Bob.

The thought just crashed into my mind. Bob would make me feel better...He was better than an 'altoid'... He always understands, he always makes me feels better... He always tells me things are gonna be okay. Gerard never does. He's more cynical like that. He says he's a realist...but I don't know...And I don't really care what it's called right now... Sometimes you just need someone to lie to you like that. Sometimes you just need to pretend...

With out a second thought I quickly darted down the hall towards the living room right towards Bob. He was asleep in the chair still. I was gonna yell his name out and wake him up but Chrissy was still fast asleep on the couch. And Frankie was kind of lying on top of her... Fuck, I guess he escaped from the garage... Shit I wonder where Mikey is then? Suddenly there was a loud crash of pots and pans in the kitchen...aah, Mikey, Gerard warned me he couldn't cook... Well that solves that mystery...

Fuck knows where the poor guy slept too... I mean Chrissy and Frankie are on the couch and Bob was stretched out in the chair... Poor Mikey probably ended up sleeping on the floor...

I sighed a little and looked over at Bob sleeping in the chair. What the hell was I thinking? He was fast asleep, and I'm about to reach over and fucking shake him and wake him up?! For what? To make myself feel better? Damn Elle you are selfish...Paul was right, you're cruel and fucked up and Gerard probably realized that last night...

I took a step back a little disgusted with myself and happened to catch a glimpse of the clock... It was a little after 7... Seven A.M!.... What the fuck was I thinking? I mean I can't wake Bob up...not at this hour, but I can't go back to my bed...not all alone, not knowing that he's in the next room with Jessica... fuck...

I reached my hand out to shake Bob again, but yet again pulled it back before touching him... I didn't want to wake him up...I just couldn't do it...But if he wakes up on his own... that wouldn't be my fault right? I mean if he conveniently happens to wake up- through no particular fault of mine that wouldn't be so bad right?

I lean over close to Bob and think a little... Fuck... how do I wake him up with out 'waking' him up?

I blew a little on his ear. He kinda flinched but didn't open his eyes. So I blew a little harder. It didn't seem to be working... fuck... I was just about to give up when I hear his voice. He still had his eyes shut.

"What do you want Elle?" he says exhaling a little but not moving.

"How did you know it was me?" I gasp. There's no way he could know it was me. I mean his eyes were shut still!

"I can smell you." He says and I smile instantly. That's what I told Gerard that day... Bob opened his eyes slightly and saw me smiling. "Come here." He says and he grabbed me and tried to pull me down on to his lap.

"Wait did you take off your belt?" I say trying to resist but he overpowered me and pulled me down onto his lap.

"What?" He chuckles.

"Your belt." I repeat. "Last time it was poking me." I tell him and he grins.I kinda smiled back at his grin but honestly I don't know what he found so funny about that. I mean it was really quite uncomfortable. How he could sleep like that I'll never know...

"Naw, its fine, and what are you doing up so early, huh?" He says as I snuggle up under the blanket on top of him.

"Hmm?" I sigh a little shutting my eyes. I was stalling... I didn't want to tell him.

"What's the matter Elle?" He says his voice raising up a little louder. I could feel him tense up too underneath me.

"Nothing." I say not sounding too convincing.

"What are you doing in here Elle?" He says and I shrug. I can feel him shifting underneath me like he's gonna get up if I don't answer him.

"Okay, wait." I tell him and he leans back. "The truth is I woke up and I couldn't fall back asleep." I explain weakly to him.

"Mmm" He kinda mumbles as he stretches his arms back over his head trying to settle back down into sleep. I reach up and pull them down around me.

"Can you hold me Bob?" I say pressing my head against his chest and wrapping his arms around my body.

"mmm?" He mumbles a little as I grip his arms tightly trying to position them better around me.

"Please Bob." I whisper desperately and that must've woken him up, cause he tensed up a little and raised his voice up slightly.

"What's the matter honey?" He says a little louder now. And I tremble a little remembering why I'm here. "Elle what happened?" He says squeezing me tightly in his arms and I shrug. "Elle." He insists.

"I just got scared." I whispered and he nodded a little. "I woke up in and I got scared that's all." I tell him.

"Mmm but its light out honey." He whispers back and I shook my head no.

"It wasn't cause of the dark." I sigh and he kinda frowns. "Its cause I was alone." I say and he just looked at me.

"Where's Gerard?" He says and I shrug. "Elle don't tell me he's-" Bob starts to get loud and I shush him. I mean fuck Chrissy and Frankie are still sleeping and Mikey's in the kitchen... I didn't need them waking up too...

"I don't know where he is Bob." I sigh. "I was gonna go look but I got scared." I tell him.

"Scared of what?" He replies.

"Scared of what I might find." I say sniffling a little. Bob just looked at me. "If he's in there with her Bob I swear I think I'd die!" I say and he gives me a weak smile.

"Elle." He says and I shake my head no. "Why do you think he's in there?" He says glancing over my shoulder briefly.

"Where else could he be Bob." I moan. "I fucking heard her crying through the wall which means he did too." I explain and Bob frowns. "I know he went to her Bob... I just know it and it kills me." I sniffle a little trying not to cry.

"Why the fuck would he go to her?" Bob says harshly.

"Arent you listening to me?" I say a little confused. "I just said she was crying, she needed him." I tell him and he shakes his head no.

"And what about you Elle." He says and I shrug. "You're crying too." He says and he wipes a tear from my cheek that I didn't even know was there. "Why don't you tell him-" He starts to say.

"I cant." I interrupt him.

"Elle if you told him what you think he'd stop going to her so much." Bob says and I shrug. "But you fucking sit around and pretend-"He starts to lecture me.

"Bob I'm telling you I cant tell him that." I say a little annoyed.

"Why not Elle?" He says roughly.

"Cause." I mumble and look away. He reaches over and turns my face back up to his and waits for me to go on. "Cause I'm trying not to be like that anymore." I sigh.

"Like what?" he says.

"Like selfish like." I say and he smiles. "I'm trying to be better." I try to explain to him. "I'm trying to be what he wants." I sigh.

"Elle, if he loves you he wouldn't ask you to change." Bob says softly.

"He's not 'asking' me to change." I say defensively. "I... I want to change... I want to be better for him." I say and Bob just looked at me.

"But you're perfect the way you are." He says and I smile a little and lean back against him pressing my face into his shoulder a little.

"I just... I don't want to disappoint him Bob." I sigh as Bob rubs my back. "He says all these things about me and I'm just scared that he's wrong." I say and Bob leans over and looks at me and kinda smiles.

"Wrong?" He says like I'm nuts.

"Yeah wrong." I insist. "What if I cant do this Bob." I sigh. "I'm trying to be what he wants and I don't know if I can." I sniffle again.

"Elle I think he wants you to just be you." He says and I roll my eyes. "Why cant you just be you?" He says and I shake my head no.

"You don't understand." I say and he frowns.

"No I don't." He replies. "I don't understand why you wont tell him how upset you are." He says and I look away.

"I told you I cant tell him." I say a little exasperated.

"You told me." He says and I nod insistently.

"Yeah cause you're my friend." I say and he just looked at me blankly. "I don't care what you think of me." I say and he smiles. I do too. "I don't mean it like that." I say nudging him as I sat up on his lap and turned around so I was facing him a little more. "I mean like, you're my friend, and I know you will be no matter what right?" I say and he smiles.

"Of course honey." He says looking up at me fondly.

"And so it doesn't matter if you think I'm nuts." I say and he smiles.

"I don't think you're nuts." He laughs.

"You know what I'm saying Bob." I say and he nods a little. "I just don't think I could take it if he looked at me like that." I sigh.

"Like you're nuts?" He says a little confused.

"Like disappointed." I say and Bob rubs his neck a little and looks at me. "You should've seen the look he gave me before." I say and Bob wrinkles his eyebrows a little.

"Disappointed?" He says and I make a face.

"No Bob follow the conversation here." I tease swatting his arm lightly.

"Hell I'm trying, honey." He says shaking his head a little.

"He was proud of me Bob." I say and Bob just looked at me curiously. "When he said he brought 'her' here and I didn't flip out or cry or collapse... he was proud of me." I say and Bob just looked at me. "Don't you get it he was proud of me." I repeat and Bob bit his lip a little.

"But you were pretending Elle." He says and I frown.

"No I wasn't." I say and he shakes his head yes.

"Yes you were." He insists.

"I wasn't." I repeat and Bob sighs a little in defeat.

"Fine." He says but I know he didn't mean it. "So what are you going to do?" He says and I just looked at him blankly. "You gonna hide out here under my blanket all day." He teases me.

"If you wouldn't mind." I say and he smiles as I snuggle back up against him. "Just till I get enough strength together." I say closing my eyes. "Then I'll go talk to him." I say and I feel Bob stroking the hair from my face.

"It's gonna be all right Elle." I hear him say and he kisses my forhead lightly... Aaah. Those are the words I've been waiting to hear... Things are gonna be okay...

It was the next few words I could've done with out...