FicWad

“Gerard's back.” Mikey says venom practically dripping from his voice as he glared at me and Bob in the bed. Bob tried to get up but I wouldn’t move off him.

“I know.” I say as Bob pushed me back off him and I fixed my shirt slightly. It was silent for a moment. I just stared at Mikey waiting for him to say something, but he never did… maybe he wasn’t going to… maybe he just didn’t get a chance…

“You ready yet Elle?” Gerard's voice calls out from behind Mikey breaking the tension in the air. Mikey steps out of my doorway into my room as Gerard approached. “What the fuck is going on in here?” Gerard chuckles looking at all of us as he came in. No one answered him. Mikey was standing by the doorway still. Bob and I were in the bed. Bob sat up quickly as Gerard came in to my room.

“Nothing.” I finally say and I get up to grab my bag and Mikey makes a face at me. Gerard just looked at me and then at Mikey.

“What's up bro?” He asks Mikey and Mikey adjusted his glasses and paused before answering.

“Nothing.” Mikey tells him shrugging. Gerard looked around the room.

“Then what are you all doing in here?” Gerard asks and Mikey shrugs and doesn’t answer him… He just walked out. “Bob?” Gerard says as Bob gets up off my bed and starts smoothing out the blankets.

“We were just talking baby.” I say to Gerard grabbing my cigarettes from the table and shoving them in my bag.

“About?” Gerard says curiously.

“Stuff.” I say and Gerard smiles widely.

“Oh secret club stuff?” Gerard teases me and I smile back at him.

“Yeah secret club stuff.” I say reaching up and wrapping my arms around Gerard's neck. He leans forward and kisses me lightly.

“So Mikey's in your club too now?” He says and I laugh.

“Hell no!” I cry out looking back over at Bob.

“You guys ready to leave too?” Gerard says looking over at Bob.

“Oh no baby they're gonna stay a while.” I say and Gerard just looked at me. “Chrissy’s still in the shower.” I explain and he nods. “Bob’ll lock up right Bob?” I say and Bob nods.

“All right then lets go.” Gerard tells me and he reaches for my bag. My bag with the envelope in it… the envelope I didn’t want him to see…

“Uh no. I got it.” I say gripping it tightly. Gerard kinda frowned at me.

“Let me.” He says and I shake my head no insistently.

“I got it.” I tell him adamantly. “You just get the door.” I say as we walk down the hall.

“I thought you were gonna be in charge of opening doors now.” Gerard laughs as we stood in the hall. I grabbed my coat from the hook and just looked over at him curiously. “I mean fuck Elle, we are no where near even.” Gerard laughs.

“Even?” I repeat back, sliding my coat on.

“Yeah I figure I must’ve held doors open for you like twice a week for maybe five years, that’s like…” Gerard counted on his fingers a little and I laughed. “Maybe fucking fifteen hundred times.” He teases me.

“Gerard, you fucking suck at math.” I giggle as he pulls me towards him. He ignores me and keeps talking.

“And you… you fucking held it open for me what? like once?” He laughs.

“Twice.” I correct him as his lips come down onto mine.

“And you think that means we’re even?” He says pulling back from me and I roll my eyes and reach for the doorknob.

“Fine.” I tell him. “That’s three down and one thousand, four hundred, and ninety seven to go.” I laugh as I go to open the door when all of a sudden the mail slot opens and a bunch of envelopes come flying in at my feet.

I screamed.

Loud.

I mean I was startled. I wasn’t expecting that.

“Sorry there Elle.” I hear Mr. Portman say, he's my mailman. He taps on the door a little apologetically.

“Wait Mr. Portman.” I cry out opening the door quickly and stepping outside.

“Aah I didn’t mean to scare you there Elle.” He says and I smile.

“I have a letter to mail.” I say and I reach in my bag and pull it out and hand it to him as Gerard came outside. “Can you take it?” I ask and Mr. P nods.

“For you Elle, sure.” He says and I smile as he drops it in his letter carrier bag. Gerard sees this but doesn’t say anything.

“Oh this is Mr. Portman the mailman.” I tell Gerard and he just kinda looked at me like yeah I figured that. I mean he was dressed as a mailman… He was delivering mail… who else could he be? The Easter bunny?

“Yeah I figured.” Gerard tells me and I stick my tongue out at him.

“He lives across the street.” I tell Gerard and Gerard nods hello at him. “He's got that big black dog.” I tell Gerard and nodded again not sure of what to say. He just looked Mr. Portman over. He was an old man. Almost as old as my papa. I had known him my whole life. He was friends with my papa too…Well neighbor-y kinda friends nothing more.

“Oh uh yeah.” Gerard says nodding again.

“I didn’t mean to scare you Elle.” Mr. P chuckles and I smile. “You know.” He says turning to Gerard. “I've been delivering her mail now for the last 20 years.” Mr. P says and I smile… I was only 18. But I wasn’t gonna correct him. “And everytime I stick it in the slot she screams.” Mr. P laughs and Gerard does too.

“I haven’t done that in a LONG time!” I protest and Mr. P shakes his head at me. “Really!” I laugh looking over at Gerard. “I use to sit and play in the hall way, right by the door.” I tell Gerard. “And I use to scream bloody murder whenever the mail came.” I say and Gerard smiles at me. “I use to be terrified of the door.” I laugh.

“Yeah I remember.” Mr. P sighs. “So how have you been holding up Elle.” He asks and I shrug.

“I'm okay.” I say and he nods.

“You know I’ve been meaning to check on you.” Mr. P say and I smile politely.

“Oh that’s really not necessary.” I reply.

“Nonsense Elle. You know if you need anything Judy and I are right across the way.” He says and I nod. Judy was his wife. “You know Bobbyi-Jo had just called Judy up the other day.” He says and I look at him a little perplexed. Bobbi-Jo? Bobbi-Jo that use to live with me and my papa? “She said she left you a few messages over the holidays and you never called her back.” Mr. P goes on to say and I just looked at him blankly. I never got any messages from her. “She was getting a little concerned but once I told her Gerard was with you she-“ Mr. P starts to say and I look over totally confused at Gerard.

“Gerard?” I say and Mr. Portman nods. Gerard just shrugged at me. “Ah she said you were in good hands.” Mr. Portman says smiling at me so I smile back.

“Yeah.” I agree with him. I'm still a little lost here though… I didn’t know Mr. Portman knew Gerard…”Uh listen we gotta get going.” I say and Mr. P nods.

“It was nice seeing you Elle.” He says to me and I smile politely back.

“You too Mr. P.” I tell him and I take Gerard's hand in mine. “Come on Gerard I don’t want to be late.” I say as we follow Mr. P down the steps.

“You're name’s Gerard too?” Mr. P says looking at Gerard a little astonished.

“Too?” Gerard replies.

“I'm sorry it’ just an unusual name.” Mr. P says and Gerard nods a little in agreement. “How many guys do you know with that name Elle?” Mr. Portman was teasing me but I didn’t know why.

“Uh just one.” I say clenching Gerard's hand in mine. We were at the end of the driveway now. Mr. P just hesitated a moment.

“One other.” He corrects me and I shake my head no.

“No just one.” I tell him and he frowns a little.

“Isn’t that other young mans name Gerard.” Mr. P says and I make a face.

“Who?” I ask confused.

“The other fella that’s usually here.” Mr. P says and I was about to say no that’s Bob but I didn’t get a chance… “He's usually here during the day.” Mr. P says and I frown. During the day Bob’s at school…

“Day?” Gerard asks, obviously thinking the same thing I am.

“Yeah and sometimes late at night.” Mr. Portman tells us and I look at Gerard nervously. “He's uh pretty tall, light brown hair-“ Mr. P starts to say.

“Cross tattooed on his hand?” Gerard asks and Mr. P nods.

“Yeah that’s him.” Mr. P says and I can feel myself getting nauseous…

“He told you his name was Gerard?” I say weakly.

“No, he um signed for that package. I'm pretty sure he signed Gerard W.” Mr. P says and now I'm feeling faint. “I remember cause he asked me if he should sign his name or yours.” Mr. P tells us and I look up at Gerard and then back at Mr. P.

“What package?” I ask and Mr. P frowns.

“The package I delivered the other day Elle, you didn’t get it.” Mr. Portman says and I shake my head no. “It was a pretty large box Elle.” Mr. P says and I frown.

“Well what was in it?” I ask softly.

“I'm not sure.” Mr. P tells me and I look over at Gerard. “He didn’t give it to you?” Mr. Portman says and I could feel my eyes tearing up.

“Uh he's not really suppose to be here.” I stammer a little.

“Your friend Gerard?” Mr. P asks and I nod.

“Actually his names Will.” I tell him and he frowns. “And he's not really my friend… not anymore.” I say and Gerard rolls his eyes at my word choice…

“I don’t understand Elle.” Mr. Portman tells me and I glance over at Gerard.

“Do you know who the box was from?” I ask Mr. P and he shakes his head no.

“I don’t recall Elle. I think it was some jewelry store in the city…You can file a report if you’d like.” Mr. P tells me and I glance over at Gerard.

“Oh no. I don’t want to get you in any trouble.” I say and Mr. Portman frowns at me.

“Elle I am truly sorry. I didn’t know.” Mr. P says apologetically. "I mean he answered your door." Mr Portman tells me and I just looked at him.

"Yeah I know what you're saying." I tell him and he shakes his head a little.

"I just assumed Elle." Mr P says to me.

"You'd say he was here often?" I ask trying not to choke on my words.

"Oh sure." Mr P says nodding looking up at the sky a little. "Usually in the day, but I'd see him come in an out at night." Mr P says and I grip Gerards hand tightly in mine. "If I had known you didnt want him around I wouldve told you sooner dear." Mr Portman apologizes slightly.

“Its not a big deal really.” I tell him and he sighs.

“Why don’t you stop by this weekend dear? Judy is making some peach cobbler. I know she wants to talk to you.” Mr. P starts to tell me. Talk to me? More like check on me... Fuck. Im not a little kid. I can handle myself... Why does everybody treat me like I can't?

“Oh no I kinda have a lot of things to do this weekend.” I excuse myself. “Um but I’ll see you around Mr. P.” I say and he nods before walking off to finish his mail route…

Gerard opens the passenger door on my truck and I climb in with out saying anything. He circles around and gets in and starts the truck up.

“Fuck how could I be so stupid.” I sniffle a little as he starts to back out.

“What?” He says looking over at me a little concerned. I wiped the bottom of my eyes a little. I was trying so hard not to cry.

“Remember when we were in the bath?” I say and Gerard grins a little. “No seriously Gerard, remember I said I thought I heard someone come in, or the door close or something.” I say and Gerard nods looking at me with a serious look on his face.

“That was Lia baby.” He says and I shake my head no.

“No I heard the door open and shut and then a few seconds later Lia came in.” I tell him and he frowns. He knew what I was getting at. “And that other day, after Christmas when Paul brought me home some of the lights were on that shouldn’t have been.” I say sniffling again.

“Its all right Elle. Its all over now.” Gerard says reaching for my hand.

“God Gerard! How could I be so fucking stupid!” I cry out. “So oblivious to everything going on around me.” I say and he didn’t answer.

It was silent for a moment.

“I'm gonna go talk to Will.” I say and Gerard almost swerves off the road. “Gerard!” I gasp clutching at the dashboard.

“What the fuck for!” He yells at me as he straitened the truck back out on the road.

“He's got my package.” I say and Gerard shakes his head no. “He does.” I repeat.

“You're package of what Elle?” Gerard asks me.

“I don’t know.” I reply and it was silent for a second. “But its mine and I want it back.” I say folding my arms on my chest.

“I don’t want you seeing him.” Gerard tells me and I pout. “He's fucking sick Elle… you stay away from him. You understand me?” Gerard says and I roll my eyes.

“Gerard its not like I could see him even if I wanted. I don’t know where he is. If he's out or what.” I sigh and Gerard bit his lip a little. “But I'm gonna go talk to his parents.” I say and now Gerard sighs.

“What for?” Gerard says and I make a face.

“Are you serious?” I gasp.

“Elle didn’t you hear the fucking cop that day?” Gerard asks me and I shake my head no… No I don’t remember much of what happened afterwards. “If you're gonna press charges you cant fucking talk to him.” Gerard tells me and I frown.

“Who says I'm gonna press charges?” I ask and Gerard almost swerves off the road again. “You want me to drive?” I ask him and he turns to me completely outraged.

“Who says you're gonna press charges?” He repeats back to me. “Are you fucking kidding me Elle?” He screams at me. “After what he fucking did?” Gerard tells me and tears start pouring down my cheeks.

“Stop yelling at me.” I sniffle trying to catch my breath. I didn't want to cry. I just couldn't hold it anymore... He pulls the truck off to the side of the road.

“I'm sorry.” He says softly to me as I wipe my eyes. “I'm really, really sorry Elle.” He repeats and I nod a little. “Its just I-“ He starts to say and I look back up at him. “I just care for you so much baby.” He says looking deep into my eyes and I knew he meant it. “I'm really trying here Elle.” He says and I smile.

“Well stop.” I say and now he smiles too.

“Stop what love?” He says reaching over and brushing the hair from my face.

“Stop trying.” I say and he frowns a little. “I just want you to be you.” I say and his eyes light up a little. “That’s all I want from you.” I tell him and he leans over and kisses my lips lightly.

“How’d you get so smart baby.” He says pulling back from me and I just smiled at him. I was tempted to tell him I'm not smart. I was just repeating back what Bob told me. And that’s when it hit me. How ironic this was. Me telling Gerard to be himself and yet I'm afraid to be me… Bob was right. I was pretending… Pretending to be okay with Jessica, Pretending to be strong when I'm not… fuck…I love Gerard for who he is, wont he love me back if I'm just little old fucked up me?

“Oh Gerard.” I sigh as he smiled at me.

“You're right baby okay.” He says and I look at him a little confused.

“Right?” I repeat back.

“We should go see Will parents.” Gerard tells me.

“Oh.” I reply.

“But uh we don’t have time right now.” Gerard says and I nod.

“We could go tomorrow.” I suggest and Gerard shrugs as he pulls back out on to the road.

“Tomorrow morning?” Gerard asks.

“Well they go to church.” I explain. “But um maybe like in the afternoon.” I say and Gerard nods. “I mean Jen didn’t say what time they're coming home but I'm sure it wont be too late. What time is check out at a hotel like 12 – 1? “ I ask and Gerard shrugs again.

“I guess.” He says his voice sounding stressed as we pulled up infront of Pauls house.

“What's the matter baby.” I say as he parks.

“I just cant believe I'm gonna be spending the night with you… “ Gerard says and I make a face.

“You’ve spent the night with me plenty of times.” I tease him.

“Yeah but not here!” Gerard laughs… “I mean Elle you do realize where we are right?" Gerard says as I ring the bell.

Suddenly I get a bad feeling... Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... I mean a big empty house with me, Gerard...and Paul!