FicWad

“What do you want him for?” I say my voice a little shaky as I gripped bow-bow tightly in my hands and stepped back from Gerard a little bit further.

“Elle, just-“ He says reaching for bow-bow and I jump back.

“No!” I cry out in fear desperately clinging on to my precious bear. I jumped back again this time kinda behind Bob. I don’t know why. It was like an automatic reaction.

“Elle.” Gerard says getting a little annoyed.

“Dude.” Bob calls over to Gerard tossing his hands up a little, like it wasn’t worth it. Arguing with me for my bear. “Just let her have it.” Bob says and Gerard frowns.

“Thank you honey.” I say and Lia rolled her eyes. She was watching all of this but not saying anything. And she seemed annoyed that Bob stuck up for me again all though I don’t know why… I mean if anything she should be sticking up for me… She's supposed to be my friend. And she knows more than any of them just how much this damn bear means to me.

“Its just a fucking toy Elle.” Lia says nastily.

“Lia!” I gasp. “You know he's more than that.” I say a little hurt, but I brushed it off. I mean that was Lia. When she doesn’t like something or her feelings get hurt she lashes out… Lia frowned a little and that’s when it hit me… Why she's always making little comments about me and Bob…

She's jealous.

She's jealous that we’re such good friends! That’s why she would always make a face when he would stick up for me, or when we’d all hang out and I’d snuggle up with him instead of with her… I mean I always use to sit on Lia's lap or curl up with her but since I’ve found out she's bi, I haven’t really done that… And I don’t really know why… I mean it hasn’t been intentional…

“Yeah see, uh I think he's more than that too.” Gerard says interrupting my thoughts.

“What?” I say a little confused looking over at him. Trying to find my way back into the conversation.

“Its just a stuffed bear Gerard.” Lia sighs a little. “and an ugly one at that.” She adds and I gasp a little outraged. Bow-bow was not ugly! He was old and a little beaten up, but he was not ugly…

“Like your bear was just a stuffed bear Li?” Gerard says and a strange look comes across Lia's face.

“Elle give me the fucking bear!” Lia burst out loudly.

“NO!” I shriek clutching him tighter as she reached over to try to snatch him from me.

“Hey!” Bob says putting out his arm and stopping her somewhat… Good thing he did too or she would’ve had him…

“Fuck Bob!” Lia yells at him smacking his arm. He kinda chuckled at her weak attempt at hurting him.

“Elle come on this is just like with ‘Teddy’.” Lia says like maybe the reason I don’t want to give them my bear is cause I'm confused… I wasn’t confused… I knew what they were getting at… They thought something was inside him. But I know there wasn’t. I mean I've been squeezing him all this time and I couldn’t feel anything strange inside him.

“Teddy?” Ray speaks up now. “What the hell does he have to do with any of this?” Ray says raising his voice a little. Lia instantly looks down guiltily… me too… “Lia!” Ray demands.

Fuck… Rays never liked ‘Teddy’. Well who could blame him? He always thought there was something going on between him and Lia. Which is just ridiculous! Lia cheating on him with a teddy bear? His friend, yeah. A stuffed bear, no…

“Ray just let it go already.” Lia says weakly glancing up at him.

“Bow-bows not like Teddy.” I try to tell Gerard as he lit a cigarette up and looked over at me. I highly doubted my plea for bow-bows life was gonna work but I had to try. “If you just hug him Gerard, you’d see that.” I say and Gerard grins.

“Then give him to me.” He says and I wrinkle my face untrustingly at him. “I just wanna hug him.” Gerard says and I know he's lying. Mostly cause of the evil grin on his face.

“Wait go back.” Ray says holding his hand up at all of us. “What does any of THIS have to with Ted?” Rays says and I Iook over at Lia a little pleadingly.

“Just tell him Lia.” I say and she shakes her head no in response. “It doesn’t even matter anymore Li.” I say and she made a face as she pulled out her cigarettes. “I mean he's dead. He's not coming back.” I tell her and Lia shrugs but still doesn’t answer me.

“He's dead!” Ray cries out in shock and I nod.

“Yeah Teddy’s been dead.” I say plainly.

“Since when?” Bob asks exchanging looks with Ray. Ray shrugged a little like he didn’t know.

“A long time now.” I say as they both looked at me skeptically. “I told you this already Ray.” I say and Ray looked at me like no you didn’t. ”I did!” I cry out still clutching my bear tightly… There's no way bow-bows gonna end up in a shoebox buried in the yard like Teddy was…

“Fuck how come I didn’t hear any of this before.” Bob says and I make a face at both of them. “What the hell happened Elle?” Bob asks and I shrug.

“You never told me this Elle. I would’ve remembered.” Ray says and I make a face at him.

“Sure I did!” I tell him. “Remember- I told you how he's buried in my back yard. I told you that! I know I did.” I said to Ray a little annoyed. I mean what the fuck! Doesn’t anyone listen to me around here?

Ray and Bob both looked over to Gerard like what the hell was I saying. Gerard didn’t acknowledge them. He had his eyes firmly glued on the bear in my hands.

“You told Ray that!” Lia cried out outraged with me.

“It was an accident.” I lie. Lia frowned at me. “The whole thing was an accident.” I stammer a little. “I didn’t mean to kill him and I didn’t mean to tell Gerard or to tell Ray Lia.” I say to her and she lowered her eyes a little. “I said I was sorry.” I say weakly and she nods.

“I know Elle. You were having a rough time that week.” She says referring to my papas funeral… I squeezed bow-bow a little closer to me for some comfort.

“You killed Ted, Elle?” Ray says trying to piece together what we saying in his head.

“Uh-huh.” I say weakly as Lia puffed on her cigarette.

“How?” Ray asks and I look down at the floor guiltily…

“I accidentally umm… tore his head off.” I say and Bob makes a face like I’ve completely lost it. Ray seemed to be figuring it out slowly though.

“You ripped the teddy bears head off?” Ray says slowly and I nod. “And then you buried him in the backyard!” Ray says smiling a little as it all came together for him.

“What the fuck man?” Bob says still totally lost.

“There was never a Ted.” Ray says and I make a face. “He wasn’t real-.” Ray starts to say to Bob.

“He was too REAL!” I say rolling my eyes at Ray. What the fuck! Does he think we imagined him? He was real.

“No he wasn’t.” Ray says looking down at me.

“Then what's buried in my yard!” I say a little annoyed with Rays know it all attitude.

“Oh I'm sure Teddy’s buried there!” Ray kinda chuckles. “Teddy the bear, not Teddy the man.” Ray says and Bob frowns at us.

“We never said Teddy was a ‘man’.” I say trying not to smile. “You just assumed he was.” I say and Lia smiles a little too.

“Wait- wait” Bob said shaking his head a little. He was a little slow… “You're saying you were getting drugs from your teddy bear?” Bob says and Lia shrugs.

“Well I don’t think she was ‘getting’ them from him.” Ray laughs a little and I nod.

“Yeah she was.” I say stupidly. “He was holding them for us.” I say smiling a little remembering Teddy fondly…

“Wait- you stuffed your bear full of drugs Lia!?” Ray cries out more like a statement then a question.

“Oh fuck off all ready Ray.” She says snickering a little. “What kinda secrets you think you're little catholic school girl is hiding from you huh?” Lia says and Ray ignored her.

“So all that talk about ‘Ted’, it was all bullshit! Right?” Ray cries out sounding half impressed at her cleverness and half pissed that she lied to him for so long. Lia just shrugged at him.

“All right enough about Ted.” Gerard yells out a little pissy. “Elle give me the motherfucking bear all ready.” Gerard kinda yells at me as he stepped closer towards me.

“No.” I say sounding slightly pathetic now as I shook my head no weakly. I pulled bow-bow closer to me and looked around the room at their faces…

They were all staring at me now. Giving me the same look like Gerard was, even my Bobby… The were out for blood… No wait they were out for stuffing…bow-bows stuffing…

“Guys please.” I say stepping backwards slightly… I should’ve looked where I was going cause I somehow ended up backing myself into the corner of the living room. “Don’t do this.” I beg them.

“Elle don’t make a fucking scene about this.” Gerard tells me roughly. He was starting to get seriously pissed with me.

“This is my old teddy bear we’re talking about Gerard.” I say softly and he mashed his cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table abrasively and stepped towards me like he had enough and was gonna just rip the bear out of my arms.

“Yeah I know.” He says in annoyance.

“No I don’t think you do!” I cry out loudly pulling my bear behind my back. “This is all I have left.” I say my eyes welling up with tears.

“Baby.” Gerard says his face softening a little at me being on the verge of tears.

“No I'm serious.” I say trying to hold back my tears. “This is all I have left from my mom. You have no idea what this ‘bear’ means to me.” I say and Lia kinda frowns a little. “Lia tell them please!” I beg her.

“Elle…” Lia sighs a little… She looked at me. She looked at bow-bow. She looked at Gerard and Ray and Bob… She was conflicted too… I mean I could tell she wanted to rip bow-bow apart as much as they did but she knew how much that would hurt me.

“There's nothing inside him, I’d be able to feel it.” I say confidently squeezing him a little as I held him up.

“Could be a folded up piece of paper, a photograph maybe” Ray says and I frown at him and his god damn realistic scenarios…

“Well there's not!” I say loudly. “There's no picture! No secret note! No fucking ancient treasure map- its just bow-bow my old teddy bear.” I say and I see was Lia wavering a little. “Lia come on, you know how my mom gave this to me!” I say to her, unable to hold my tears back any longer. “You know… you know…” I say crying so hard I was unable to speak anymore.

“Its all right Elle.” Lia says pushing past Gerard and stepping towards me. “I know what you're saying, it’s okay.” She says wrapping her arm around me and hugging me tightly, comforting me in her arms as I sobbed. “Its gonna be okay.” She says to me as I leant my head on her shoulder… Fuck... This is the closest I've been to Lia, I mean physically at least, in a long time. I didn’t realize how much I've missed her. I mean I'm a very clingy person. I always have been… Hugging Lia was a like an old comforting feeling to me. “Guys I think you should just let her keep the bear.” I hear Lia say as I shut my eyes a little.

“Lia you cant be serious.” Ray says a little shocked and I open my eyes back up and look at her… She was! She had switched on to my side like a true friend would…

“Thank you Lia.” I say sniffling a little and she lowered her arm down on my waist and leant her head on
top of mine slightly.

“Your mom gave you the bear?” Gerard says lowering his voice softly and I nodded. I could see him thinking a little to himself.

“Yeah for flag day.” I say pulling back from Lia slightly to wipe my eyes.

“Flag day?” Gerard says raising his eyebrows up slightly at my words. I wasn’t surprised. Most families don’t exchange gifts on flag day…

“Yes Flag Day.” I repeat back. “June 14th.” I say and I could see Gerard trying to figure out what the significance of that day was. But he wasn’t gonna ask… I guess maybe he thought I had already told him and would be pissed if he didn’t remember… “She always gave me something on Flag Day.” I said wiping my teary eyes somewhat. “It was a tradition.” I tell them all. Lia nods like she already knew that. Gerard just raised his eyebrows up again.

“Fuck are you saying your family would swap gifts on Flag Day but not on Christmas!” Bob cries out and I frown.

“We do Christmas.” I say a little confused.

“You didn’t this year.” Bob says and I cock my head to the side a little. “You didn’t exchange any gifts this year.” Bob tells me and I look at him curiously.

“What?” I say a little thrown off by the direction this conversation is going. “How would you remember that?” I ask him even though it wasn’t very long ago.

“Cause I got you something.” Bob says and then he looked like he immediately regretted saying it.

“You did?” I ask totally shocked.

“Uh yeah.” He shrugs a little.

“Well why didn’t you give it me?” I ask and he shrugged again. “Well what was it?” I ask.

“I don’t remember.” He says and I get the feeling he was lying.

“Well why didn’t you give it me?” I ask again.

“I don’t know… I was going to....” He shrugs and I looked at him waiting for him to go on but he didn’t.

“When?” I ask.

“That day I came over early in the morning, when it was snowing.” He says and I think back a little.

“When you were looking for Lia?” I say and he nods.

“Yeah and I asked you if you got anything good for Christmas.” He says and I could feel my heart tightening up as he spoke… I remembered that… It was on the way over to Lia's house… He asked if I got anything good and I remember thinking that all I got was that damn tattoo… “And you made this whole big speech about how you weren’t gonna be participating in anything Christmas-y.” Bob says looking down at the floor a little. “I figured it was cause your family just didn’t celebrate it.” He mumbles.

“No we do.” I say sighing somewhat uncomfortably. “We did.” I correct myself looking at the floor myself now. “I just didn’t want to this year cause of…of…” I say my voice trailing off. I couldn’t say it… But I didn’t have to… They all knew why…

“Its all right Elle.” Lia says wrapping her arm back around me. She shoots Bob a look like why did you have to bring that up…

“Sorry.” He mumbles apologetically. It was silent for a moment… No one quite knew what to say…

“So your mom gave it to you for flag day?” Gerard says softly trying to bring the conversation back around.

“Yeah. He was my very first ‘Flag Day’ gift.” I tell him and he shook his head a little like maybe he thought it was silly but he didn’t say anything. “I was like maybe six years old.” I say and he nods. “I was still in kindergarten.” I say shutting my eyes slightly thinking back “And we spent weeks, literally weeks! making this gold painted macaroni picture frame in Miss Rachel’s kindergarten.” I say and Gerard smiled.

“Yeah I remember doing something like that too.” He says and I nod.

“And then the last day that we had uh painted it…the fucking teacher tells us that we have to bring in a picture of our dad on Monday, cause it was suppose to be like a fathers day gift.” I say biting my lip a little and Gerard frowned. “I was so upset when I went home.” I tell him and he looked at me unsure of what to say. “I remember going home asking my mother if I even had a father and she said yes and I begged her to tell me but she wouldn’t.” I say and he frowned a little sadly at me.

“Aw baby.” He says looking over at me. I know he wanted to hold me but there was no way Lia was gonna let me go from her arms.

“And then the next morning she gave me bow-bow.-It was Flag Day.” I say trying to hold my emotions together but doing a poor job of it. “So every year we'd end up celebrating Flag Day instead of Fathers day." I say the hurt still evident in my voice..."And she told me that everyone’s family is different and all this crap that I guess I was to young to understand.” I say as Lia stroked my hair soothingly.

“Well she was right.” Lia says softly and I shook my head a little frustratedly.

“Yeah but she still never told me who my dad was.” I say a little angrily…”All she said was to hold on to bow-bow until it was time.”

“Time for what?” Gerard asks.

“I don’t fucking know!” I say a little aggravated. “I guess until the time she was gonna tell me who my dad was.” I quip at him. I was still so angry from losing my mom.. It wasn't fair...

“Elle.” Lia scolded me a little. I looked at her a little surprised. SHE was telling me not to snap at Gerard? I wonder what's gotten into her lately… Its like she's being supportive. It was weird…

“Come on Lia, you knew my mom. Always talking in fucking riddles and crap, even if she wasn’t- she hardly made any sense.” I say and Ray smiles.

“Maybe its hereditary.” He says and Bob smiles.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing.” Gerard says shaking his head at Ray. Ray shrugged and continued to grin amused with something…

“Anyway the point is she tells me to hold on to bow-bow, that he's all I'm ever gonna need. And she told him who my dad was.” I say and Gerard raised his eyebrows up at me.

“She told bow-bow?” He says and I nod.

“Yeah she whispered it into his ear.” I say smiling a little remembering. “She said that he's a good secret keeper.” I say looking down at him. Remembering all the times I whispered my own secrets into his big ears. “If only he could talk back, he could tell me where he’s been.” I say and Lia smiled.

“Yeah Elle, we already had this conversation. Bow-bow can’t talk.” She laughs.

“Teddy did!” I tell her and she laughs again.

“He wasn’t talking you were fucked up out of your mind!” She laughs. “I told you this already Elle!” She says smiling widely at me. “Teddy didn’t talk to you. I did. I was fucking pretending to make him talk.” She says and I shake my head no.

“Yeah at first Lia!” I say pulling back from her. The guys just looked at us slightly amused by the conversation. “But then you left to go downstairs and I'm telling you he kept talking.” I say insistently.

“What did he say.” Bob asks interrupting our ‘argument’.

“I'm sworn to secrecy.” I say and he rolls his eyes a little. “I'm telling you I promised Teddy I’d never tell.” I say and Lia laughs again.

“You guys are fucking nuts.” Bob says smiling a little himself.

“No you guys are fucking druggies.” Ray says and I frown.

“Am not!” I protest.

“Well maybe not anymore.” Ray concedes a little. “So umm how exactly did uh bow-bow the bear end up going missing?” Ray asks looking for the logic in all this.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I was so sure I lost him in that fire.” I say looking down at the bear. He was in really good shape all things considered.

“Fire?” Ray asks.

“Yeah like a year or so before my mom died we had a house fire.” I say sadly. “Lost almost everything.” I say and Lia nods again.

“That’s right.” Gerard says a strange look passing on his face.

“That night was the last night I saw bow-bow.” I say thinking back. “I mean I slept with him every fucking night since she gave him to me and I so remember my mom coming in and scooping me up out of bed in complete terror. I mean I was like 10 years old and I was so scared and she dragged me out of the smoky house in the middle of the night and I had left him on my bed and she wouldn’t let me go back in for him.” I say and Gerard frowns.

“How did the fire start Elle?” He asks stepping towards me and I try to pull myself back from the memories. “Elle?” He asks again lifting my chin up slightly.

“It was um, electrical.” I say rubbing my temples gently… I hated getting sucked in to bad memories like that… Gerard looked over at Bob and then back at me, like he was waiting for me to say something else but I wasn’t sure what... “It was an accident Gerard.” I add and he frowned.

“Are you sure it wasn’t.” He says and he stops midsentence and looks at Ray now.

“Wasn’t what?” I ask.

“You know… intentional…?”