FicWad

It had been three years since the day we walked out of the bar… Seemed like a lifetime ago though.

Gerard and I never really talked about my father… I mean we tried not to. I would write to him and he would write me back. And Gerard tried his hardest not to get involved. I was extremely defensive about my father, about what he was, about what he had done… I would defend him feverishly and I guess Gerard figured it wasn’t worth it…

I would write to Nicky almost every day, and I’d talk to him on the phone occasionally but I never did ask him what happened that day with my mother, and he never did offer to tell me… But that’s just they way it was. Why rock the boat? I mean I could tell by some of the letters that he didn’t feel as strongly for my mother as she felt for him… It was obvious… But he cared for me… He wanted me in his life as much as I wanted him in mine… It just wasn’t working out so well is all.

I mean he was suppose to be paroled out around the same time as Chris Hunter was, right around the time I turned 18. But apparently there was some kinda incident and he got few more months tacked on… and then there was another incident and another few more months… and then a few more after that…

It got to the point where I was tired of waiting for him to be paroled out. I mean it’s been fucking three years now. And he’s still no closer to being released. He had an upcoming parole hearing but it was looking unlikely he was going to be released. So I decided to go visit him in jail. Even though he didn’t want me to, I sorta forced it upon him… Gerard wasn’t much happier about it then Nicky was, but he was bringing me… I mean he wanted to meet him too.

Gerard and I were still together. Somehow we managed to graduate high school. Bob and Ray did too… Eventually Mikey and Frankie followed… And just like Gerard wanted. I signed up for college courses at Rutgers. It wasn’t so bad cause Bobby was there too. He and Ray had moved in together. And Gerard was living with me. I don't even know how that happened either. After we graduated, we would just spend some nights at his house and some at mine and then more and more at mine, and then he kinda just stopped leaving… We never made it official, it just sorta happened and I couldn’t be happier about it.

The only thing that would’ve made it better is if we were actually married. Believe it or not I was still married to Bob. Turns out it was a great tax deduction and I didn’t see the point in divorcing him until Gerard and I were ready to actually be married. And we were ready now. I mean Gerard did just like he said and got a job with his uncle and he saved up money. Money for what? I didn't really know.

To hear him explain it, he just wanted to have some of his own shit when we got married. It was important to him. And I was afraid to push him on it… Ever since Lia put those thoughts in his head that day money has been a touchy subject. For me at least… I loved Gerard so much and I could tell it meant a lot to him to do it this way so I didn’t pressure him. I was just happy to be with him and I knew in my heart that he was mine. I didn’t need a paper or a ring to prove it…

Although I desperately wanted to be his wife, I would’ve waited forever for him to be ready, so in that perspective waiting three years was nothing… And this was gonna be the week it was all gonna happen. It was Wednesday morning and Gerard and I were going to the prison to visit Nicky for the first time ever. And then right from there we were gonna stop in the registrars office to file my divorce papers for Bob. It was cutting it close cause we were suppose to be getting married tomorrow! But I forgot that with like labor day weekend and shit that the office wasn’t gonna be open. So we had to do it today or else Gerard and I couldn’t be married on Thursday, and we had to be married on Thursday. Thursday was the sixth. And six was my lucky number. It always had been. So today had to go perfectly! If even one thing went wrong we weren’t going to be able to get married tomorrow. We’d have to wait until next month, so it would still be on the sixth. October 6th… Which would suck. So there’s no way. Everything was going to go perfect today…

“Are we almost there?” I whined at Gerard and he glanced over and smiled at me as he drove.

“Almost, you getting anxious baby?’’ He teased me and I shrugged. He knew I was, and I don't know why he insisted on teasing me like that. He knew it wouldn’t make me relax…In fact it just makes me more anxious!

“You know I am.” I tell him biting on my lip a little and he sorta made a face.

“Stop doing that.” He scolded me and I reluctantly stopped. “He's gonna love you Elle.” Gerard reached over and ran his hand on my leg as he stopped at the traffic light… We should've just taken the train but whatever…

“And he's gonna love you too.” I replied and he sorta smirked. “What? You don't think he's gonna love you?” I asked and he sorta shrugged like he didn’t want to answer either way. “You are coming in with me Gerard? Aren’t you?” I asked him a little desperately and he nodded.

“Yeah you know I wanna talk to him.” He replied and I made a face.

‘Yeah but you never said about what.” I complained and he didn’t answer so I just stared at him until he did.

“Guy stuff. That’s what.” He finally says and I groaned in annoyance. Guy stuff! Fuck knows how many times I've heard that line… “Look Elle, we’re getting married tomorrow.” He says and I felt my face light up.

“I know.” I squealed and he laughed.

“So, that’s what you do. You ask for permission.” He says and I folded my arms across my chest defiantly.

“I do not need Nicky’s permission for anything.” I cried out and he smiled a little amused.

“I didn’t mean it like that baby.” He chuckled. “I meant like that’s what you do, you go to the girls father and ask for like her hand in marriage.” He says and I looked at him a little cautiously. I mean Gerard Way an old fashioned romantic at heart? Who would’ve guessed? ”You get what I’m saying?” He glanced back over at me as we drove and I nodded.

“Gerard that’s so sweet, I don't even…but you don't have to-” My voice trailed off as I started to choke up.

“Please don't go in there crying baby.” He says and I looked around and we seemed to be in the parking lot all of a sudden…

“He knows I cry a lot, I told him.” I tell Gerard and he nodded slightly as he looked for a parking space… “And he knows we’re getting married tomorrow.” I pointed out and he didn’t say anything so I kept talking. “He knows about both times you asked me to marry you actually.” I added and Gerard kinda frowned a little.

“What?” He says like he didn’t know what I was talking about.

“Both times.” I said plainly. “Like he knows how the first time was at my moms grave after that shit with Will happened.” I tell him looking longingly down at my empty finger… I hated that he made me leave my ring at home, but they weren’t gonna let me in with it on, too many rules…

“Yeah?” He says encouraging me to go on.

“Oh, and then that second time you gave me my ring and we fucked in Crystals bathroom.” I added and he chuckled.

“You didn’t tell him that did you?” He says turning off the ignition and I just looked at him a little confused.

“Um I just said, I told him about both times, aren’t you listening?” I complained and he shook his head a little as he took a quick drag off his cigarette, they didn’t allow smoking inside and he seemed to want to finish it before we got out…

“No about the fucking.” He says and I scrunched my face in confusion again and he started choking on his smoke.

“You all right?” I asked him reaching for him, like I was somehow gonna be able to help him but he just pulled back and seemed to catch his breath himself…

“Elle, tell me you did not write him a letter about us fucking in Crystals bathroom.” He says suddenly getting all flustered and I shook my head no.

“No, why would I do that.” I tell him and he sorta calmed a little. “I mean he knows, why would I bother putting it in a letter?” I added and the panicked look was back on his face.

“How?” He kinda hissed at me and I frowned at his mood swings. “How would he know Elle?” He insisted.

“Um cause I wrote it in my diary.” I tell him and he stared blankly at me. “You know my diary, that book I write in every week or so.” I explain and he nodded.

“I know you have a diary Elle, but I don't get what that has to do with Nicky? Shit, Nicky-diary?“ He waved his hands a little like he wasn’t following along and I didn’t understand why not, it was quite simple…

“Umm cause I sent Nicky my diary to read.” I tell him and his face dropped a little.

“I'm sorry you did what?” He kinda gasped so I repeated it.

“I sent him my diary to read cause I figured it’d be easier for him to just read it then for me to like re-write all the shit.” I shrugged and Gerard just stared at me like he was at a loss for words. “I mean a lot of shit has happened since I was 12 years old Gerard, I wasn’t gonna write a twenty thousand word letter.” I tell him and he nodded.

“Was there stuff about me?” He says and I nodded.

“Well yeah Gerard, I mean you're my love.” I tell him reassuringly and he got this pained expression on his face suddenly.

“And like shit about me and you.” He says and I scrunched my face in confusion. “Like shit about us fucking?” He clarifies and I grinned.

“Oh yeah pages and pages.” I sighed fondly and he muttered something like fuck, or holy fuck or I don't know, but he seemed upset… “I didn’t say anything bad about you Gerard!” I exclaimed. “In fact I went on and on about how good you are.” I tell him but it seemed to just upset him more.

“Elle how the fuck am I gonna face this guy?” He says and I was lost once more.

“Who Nicky?” I asked and he nodded.

“Yeah Elle!” He cried out and I laughed. “I'm not kidding Elle! You think he wants to hear about some guy fucking his daughter? He's gonna kill me!” He tossed his hands in the air and I tried not to smile at his dramatics.

“Okay first you are not ‘some guy’ you're my Gerard, and soon you will be my husband.” I tell him and he kinda smiled back. “And secondly he didn’t say anything to me about it, so it must not have been such a big deal to him.” I added and Gerard kinda made a face like he didn’t believe me.

“He said nothing?” He questioned me as we headed inside.

“About you? No…” I shook my head a little. “I mean he did say he wanted to meet you, like when I told him we were coming. He said he wanted to talk with you.” I shrugged and Gerard groaned a little.

“He's gonna fuck me up Elle.” He shook his head a little and I laughed.

“Gerard he's not gonna touch you, there’s rules and shit.” I remind him and he rolled his eyes at me as we went through the metal detectors…Some how Gerard set one off and they wanted him to take off his shoes and his belt and all this crap… He told me to go ahead inside since you only get like so much time and he knew I didn’t want to waste it waiting for him. I didn’t want to leave him but I wanted to see Nicky. So I sucked it up a little and went ahead with out him… I mean I was doing a lot of shit for myself lately and it was cause of Gerard… He would push me along and encourage me all the time… I mean I was a college student. A lousy one, but one none the less.

That was something that I never thought would happen… I thought I needed my mom around to push me, but I didn’t…Turns out I just needed someone who cared and wanted what was best for me cause they loved me… and that was Gerard…

I wasn’t completely healed, and I wasn’t completely clean, and I honestly still hadn’t slept alone in the dark since that night in Brutus’s apartment. But I was on the right track; at least I thought it was the right track… And even if it wasn’t, at least it was a track! For so long I felt like I was just aimlessly wandering along with no direction and now for the first time in a long time I seemed to have found one, and it was cause of Gerard….

My thoughts wandered as I made my way through the rest of the security checkpoints, signing in and crap. Finally I ended up at a small cafeteria-style table. After a few nerve-racking moments the door opened and several men came in. I knew Nicky right away, not just from the pictures, but from my heart. I waited till he got close enough to me to give him a small hug… I wanted to jump up and squeeze the life from him and not let go but there were rules and I wasn’t about to be thrown out… I wasn’t gonna let anything ruin my moment with my dad.

I was babbling on about something not really making much sense I suppose cause I was so excited when Nicky shifted his eyes from me. I looked over and saw Gerard coming towards us. I mean finally! I don't know what held him up so bad. I mean it was funny how he made sure I was gonna be able to get through security okay. He practically obsessed about it! He made me wear like a sports bra so the metal wouldn’t set off the alarm, and he took my ring and my earrings and my cigarettes… he even made me wear fucking sneakers cause he said my heels might not be allowed… He did all that for me but he didn’t bother to check his own outfit… But that was the way it was… Gerard was always looking after me and not so much after himself…

“Gerard!” I kinda sighed his name as he got close to us. Nicky stood but I wasn’t sure why and Gerard extended out his hand to him… “This is Nicky!” I declared proudly…Well proudly and stupidly… I mean who else would I be sitting with.

“Gerard Way… Sir.” He says and I tried not to smile… He called Nicky sir… I don't know why it was amusing to me but it was… He wasn’t sir - he was Nicky. Nicky took his hand and sort shook it and gave him pretty hard look back.

“You scared of me son?” He says and he stopped shaking Gerard's hand but he was still holding it pretty tight.

“Yes sir - terrified.” Gerard replied back and Nicky sorta smiled.

“That you should be…”