FicWad

Before long the sun was coming up. I woke up as it slowly started filling the room. I was still curled up on the couch with Gerard, Donnas living room was trashed, I mean beer bottles and cans and cheetos and just shit all over. I gently lifted myself up off of Gerard. He was fast asleep still and I was glad… I mean it was early, but it was daylight out and it was the sixth!

I couldn’t let Gerard see me! It would be a jinx! And I had to get out of there anyway. I mean I still had a bunch of shit to do. I had to go to the dry cleaners and to the bakery and to the florist and a million other places before this evening. 6 pm we were getting married, and that I had nothing to do with -that’s just the time they do it! I took it as a lucky sign. I mean six pm on the sixth… How much more lucky can it get? I mean you add another six and it’s … oh fuck it’s 666… well we won’t be adding another six, that’s for sure…

I quickly slipped my shoes back on and as I did I spotted Rays lost quarter on the floor so I stuck it in his afro before darting out the door. I took a deep breath as I went to start Mikey’s car up, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it… I can’t really explain what I felt in that moment. I mean it was excitement but it was something more then that. It was my anxieties once again and I don't even know what the big deal was. Like why I getting so stressed about the future… Nothing was going to be different, I mean not really. Gerard and I were already living together. He was my love in my heart. He always would be…

“Come on Elle, don't freak out.” I told myself and I forced myself to start Mikey’s car. I was only in Mikey’s car cause I made a big thing about Gerard not seeing me and all until the ceremony. So Mikey said that I could take his car there and that he’d ride with Gerard. And he’d drive it home after since I was going to be leaving with Gerard obviously… I liked Mikey… he was a good brother…Lousy secret keeper, but a good brother…

I tried to stay focused as I ran through my errands but it was hard, my mind kept wandering. I had picked up my dress from the cleaners cause Helen hemmed it and all but she said I had to get it pressed. Then I went to the bank, and then the bakery and now I was pulling up in front of the florist shop where Audree worked. As soon as I got out my cell started ringing. I smiled as I glanced down at the caller id.

“Lazy ass.” I laughed to myself as I answered it. I mean it was almost one o’clock in the afternoon now!

“Mmm where’d you go baby.” I hear Gerard say and I laughed.

“I had shit to do, you know that.” I tell him as I walked into the shop. Audree saw me and nodded but didn’t say anything. She kinda disappeared into the back. “You just getting up now?” I asked him and he sorta coughed a little.

“Yeah I gotta go into the shop a bit.” He says and I frowned.

“Today?” I exclaimed. I mean he worked with his uncle for Christ’s sake. I couldn’t believe he was gonna make him work today.

“Just for a little bit, he needs a hand with something.” He tells me and I continued to frown. Either he was lying to me and he was gonna be doing something he didn’t want me to know about, or his uncle was just an ass… Either way it left a nasty feeling in my mouth. “I’ll be back soon baby, I promise. I’ll come back to the house when I'm done.” He says like he knew I was getting upset and he wanted to be there for me.

“No, it’s alright. Don't come to the house at all Gerard.” I tell him threateningly and he laughed.

“Elle.” He sighed and I shook my head a little.

“Don't fight me on this Gerard, just promise I’ll see you tonight.” I tell him and he sighed once more.

“If it’s what you want.” He says reluctantly and I nodded as Audree came back out carrying a few boxes.

“You know it is, Look, I gotta go okay?” I tell him shifting the phone slightly as I leant to peek into the box Audree laid on the counter.

“Alright.” He says reluctantly. “Love you Elle.” He adds and I casually repeated it back as I hung up.

“So what do you think?” Audree kinda squealed and I nodded weakly.

“Yeah, they're pretty.” I said not sounding very excited and Audree picked up on it right away.

“Are you okay?” She says examining my face a little and I forced a smile at her.

“Yeah of course.” I lie to her.

‘You're just nervous Elle.” She says squeezing my hand reassuringly. “Believe me. I've seen plenty of brides come through here. You’ll be fine.” She says and I nodded as I picked the bouquet up out of the box and examined it.

“Yeah I know Audree.” I tell her and she smiled as she started babbling on about the flowers. Something about keeping them in the box with the lid closed until I was ready to use them. I wasn’t really listening. I mean they were fucking flowers, did it really matter?

“And I put a wrist loop on it for you.” She shows me pointing at it and I nodded politely. “Cause I wasn’t sure if you were gonna hold it the whole time or what.” She says and I shook my head a little confused.

“If I'm gonna what?” I asked her and she kept babbling.

“Oh cause you know how like usually the bride gives the bouquet to like the maid of honor to hold.” She says and I just looked at her blankly. I mean I didn’t know… I never really went to that many weddings. She knew, cause she fucking does this shit for a living but how was I suppose to know this crap?

“They do?” I asked and she sorta giggled.

“Yeah but I figured since like Bob was your ‘maid of honor’” She laughed but I didn’t. I didn’t think any of this was funny. Was it my fault I had no one else to ask to stand with me? My mother was dead, my father was otherwise engaged at the moment and Lia was off traveling somewhere in the world with her current navy boyfriend. All of a sudden the walls seemed to be closing in on me but Audree didn’t seem to notice… She just kept talking, I guess she didn’t notice how pale I was getting either… “You know, so I thought that maybe it was better if you had a wrist band.” She says showing me once again. “That way when it’s time-“ She says and I cut her off.

“Time for what?” I questioned her. I wasn’t sure what the hell she was talking about anymore.

“Like when you exchange the rings.” She sorta cocked her head at me like she wasn’t sure why I was having a hard time keeping up. “You can just slide it up on your wrist.” She says placing the flowers back in the box gently and giving me a weak smile. And that’s when I got what she was saying… She meant like I could slide them up on my wrist cause I didn’t have anybody to hand them too. Cause I didn’t have anybody in this world except for Gerard…and Bob….She didn’t mean it meanly, she was a nice girl. But her words stung… they stung me badly…

“Yeah I get it.” I tell her as I sorta snatched the box off the counter and she sorta paused a moment.

“Elle.” She says apologetically but I was already heading to the door.

“Naw. It’s cool Audree. Thanks.” I waved my hand a little looking back over at her. “But I gotta run, you know lots to do still.” I brushed her off as I darted out the door

I jumped back in Mikey’s car and tossed the flower box carelessly on to the floor. I didn’t even care anymore… I felt like I was gonna throw up. This wasn’t right… This wasn’t how it was suppose to be –was it? I know everybody says you're suppose to be nervous, that its normal and all this shit, but I don't know…

I shut my eyes and found myself gripping the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles were turning white. And that’s when I realized I wasn’t wearing my ring… I mean Gerard made me take it off yesterday to go see Nicky and I never put it back on… Shit, how could I have forgotten to put it back on?

I held my hand up and just stared at it for a moment… Everything felt like it was slipping out of my control… I mean usually I would start to freak out and I could look down at Gerard's ring and steady myself back down… It made me feel safe and protected and like I belonged somewhere…That I belonged to him… Wearing his ring was like I had an invisible force field of his love surrounding me… protecting me ,and with out it I just felt so exposed… So alone…

I felt my eyes watering up and my bottom lip trembling as I stared down at my hand… My empty hand… Well it would’ve been empty if not for my scar. You could still see it running down my palm, over my wrist and along my arm…

‘Stop it Elle’ I told myself trying not to let the memories suck me in, but Gerard was right… I never listen... Not even to myself….

I had to pull myself together. I didn’t want to freak out like this. It was funny how I was so worried about something ruining my day. I didn’t know that the ‘something’ that was gonna ruin it was gonna be me…

I flicked open my cell phone and was about to dial Gerard back, when I had second thoughts… I didn’t want him to know I was freaking out like this. I didn’t want him to think I was having doubts about him cause I wasn’t…The doubts I were feeling were about me. I just knew that I was never gonna be enough for him, that I was never gonna be able to give him the family he wanted. That I was never gonna be the wife he deserved if I cant even hold it together for a few hours alone.

Normal people don't sit in parked cars and cry because… because… Fuck, I don't even know why I’m crying? Because Audree put a wristband on my bouquet? Shit…I flicked my phone back open and automatically dialed Bob’s number. He answered and right away he could tell something was wrong.

“What's going on honey.” He says and I sniffled a little.

“Nothing.” I said weakly and he kinda laughed.

“Come on Elle, you didn’t call me for nothing - what's the matter?” He says and I sniffled once again. “You're crying?” He says but he already knew the answer.

“It’s just…Audree put a wristband on my flowers.” I sorta whispered into the phone. He kinda paused a moment like he didn’t know what to say to that.

“And this is bad?” He says cautiously and I shook my head a little.

“No it was really nice of her.” I tell him and I heard him swallow a little.

“Okay then-?” He says like he was waiting for me to go on.

“Do you think like I’ll ever not be afraid of the dark?” I blurt out and he exhaled a little as he shifted the phone. Now to a normal person my comment may have seen to come out of left field. But Bobby knew me. He knew better then to question how I could connect what I just told him was a nice gesture like putting a wristband on some flowers to my fear of being afraid of the dark.

“We talked about this –didn’t we?” He replied and I sighed. I mean we did, this isn’t like the first time I called him freaking out either… I can’t count the number of times I've called him and poured my soul out to him over the years… He was my best friend, I mean he was more then my best friend, he was my confidant. Ever since I told him what happened that night with Brutus, I could tell him anything and everything… And I did…

“Yeah but like, do you think I’ll ever be able to sleep alone?” I proposed to him and he sighed a little before answering me. He knew what I was getting at, he knew where this was coming from. Fuck knows how many times he told me he would take back that night from me if he could…

“I think that once you marry Gerard you wont have to worry about sleeping alone cause it will never happen.” He says and I sorta frowned. I mean that’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be a burden on Gerard.

“Yeah I guess.” I told him cringing a little. “Um I gotta go Bobby.” I tell him trying to hang up but he wouldn’t let me.

“Wait honey, you driving?” He says and I bit my lip a little.

“No I'm parked right now but I gotta get going Bobby.” I tell him and I could hear him shuffling the phone a little.

“No I don't want you driving like that, I'm gonna come pick you up, where are you?” He demands and I resisted.

“Bob, please. I'm fine.” I tell him trying to steady my voice but he wasn’t buying it.

“Bob?” He repeats back. I mean I hardly ever call him Bob. I only do it when I'm trying to be serious or really firm sounding with him. It was almost like he could see me getting all defensive like cause he softened his voice a little. “Elle, you called me cause you were upset, now let me come get you.” He says but I stubbornly shook my head no.

“I called you cause you’re my husband and I needed you.” I replied back without giving it a second thought and he sighed slightly.

“I'm not your husband anymore.” He says and my heart kinda clenched up as he said it.

“Oh,” was all I could seem to say for a second. “Seriously Bobby, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I get home okay?” I tell him and I disconnected before he could argue back… I shut off the phone too so he couldn’t call back either…

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes a little. It was getting late. And I wasn’t lying about having to get going. I mean there were only a few more hours before the ceremony and I wanted to go home and take a long hot bath, maybe curl my hair… I don't know…

I started the car and I lit a cigarette before pulling out on to the highway. I rarely would smoke and drive cause I wasn’t exactly the worlds greatest driver and I sorta needed both hands on the wheel, but whatever. I was just way too stressed and I needed to calm myself down and smoking helped me with that. I think it was the controlled breathing - not to mention the nicotine that filled my lungs with every drag I took. It was funny cause I could sorta feel it running through my veins as I inhaled it, but maybe it was just my imagination.

I reached over and flipped the radio on too. I don't know why. I just needed something to distract me. Something to keep me from myself... I was my own worst enemy that was for sure. I mean what was wrong with me? Why am I always so fucking stupid… I mean here I am about to get everything I ever wanted and I can’t even enjoy it… I gotta obsess and pick and find something to cry about…All the good, all the joy, all the happiness and love that I should've been feeling right now, I couldn’t… I was afraid to, and why? Why was I so afraid to be happy. Why was I just so eager to fucking tossing it to the side just like I did to the flowers that were now lying on the dirty car floor? Aw shit… my flowers…

I felt my heart kinda tense up as I glanced down at them as I sped down the highway. Was I doing the right thing marrying Gerard? I mean was love gonna be enough? Because honestly I was feeling like that was the only thing I had to give to him… I found myself wishing for some kind of sign. Something to tell me if I was right or wrong, or what I should do…

I took my eyes of the road for one second to reach for the flowers on the floor, and one second was all it took… One second I was on the road and the next…I wasn’t…