FicWad

Five days after Gerard died I was standing in front of the justice of the peace with Bob once more. Mikey wouldn’t come. He wouldn’t even speak to us. He cursed us both actually. Frankie came and Ray did too… Frankie didn’t say much but Ray said he was glad that Bob and I had each other, like we were lucky or some shit but I don't know… I didn’t feel lucky at all…

Bob was going to move in with me. Atleast that’s what he said. I barely spoke to him. I barely did much of anything. Days had went by now and I was still consumed by my guilt and my grief… Just being alive was a chore in itself for me…I wouldn’t take Gerard's ring off and Bob never asked me too… I had moved back into my old bedroom, I couldn’t stand to be in Gerard and mines, let alone sleep in it. And Bob would sleep with me at night but he never touched me, not like a husband would at least… Fuck knows how many times I woke up thinking it was Gerard laying next to me… Finally I asked Bob if he could just sleep on the other side of me, so he did… Nights were the hardest times for me. They always had been but now with out Gerard here they were just unbearable… I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare with no hope of waking up.

More and more days passed and the pain was just as strong as ever, with no sign of fading..But I was almost numb to it at this point… It was never gonna go away, that was for sure. But life wouldn’t stop, no matter how much I wanted it to… I was just biding my time anyway… I mean I figured either I’d wake up one day and be fixed, like just be magically all better or that I would wake up one day and Bobby would be gone… That he would realize that I was just a lost cause, that I was beyond redemption and that he was better off ditching me while he still could…And honestly I would’ve been okay with that…

I mean its not like I was gonna be alone anymore cause by miracles of miracles Nicky was getting released. Actually he was already released on parole this morning, but he said he some shit to do and we could meet up tonight and I couldn’t wait. He was gonna be moving into the house with me and Bob. Well at least as far as the parole board knew… I mean he was gonna use our address and shit, but he said he wasn’t really gonna be hanging around that much. Bob wasn’t exactly thrilled about any of this but he knew better then to tell me shit. I mean Nicky was my dad and I loved him, no matter what. And having him there, even if it was just occasionally, I think it was exactly what I needed. It gave me strength in a way. Knowing I had a dad who cared. Who I could call when I needed something… Who I could touch and hug for more then 30 seconds at a time -without and armed guard present…

My mind raced along as I drove into the city. Bob had went out to I don't even know where, I mean we weren’t suppose to ‘meet up’ with Nicky until much later, but he had called me from some bar in the city and I jumped at the chance to go see him. I left Bob a quick note and shit before I darted out the door, he was probably gonna be pissed but whatever, he could take it up with Nicky if he wanted…

Ah Nicky… I mean my dad… It was so funny for me to be getting excited about this but I was… I mean I was a fucking 22 year old woman carrying on like a giddy little school girl. Thank god I was alone in the car and no one could see me… But was it wrong to be excited? I mean my dad was coming home! I ran through some phrases in my minds… Words I never thought I’d never ever speak…

“Oh I don't know, I have to ask my dad…” or “lm just gonna run this over to my dad’s.” Or “Oh what a nice shirt! I think I’ll get one for my dad.” I mean these were the thoughts running through my mind as I drove… I never had a dad before, not one like that at least. And before I knew it I had crossed the Outerbridge into Staten Island…

Holy fuck! I just crossed the Outerbridge! I hadn’t been here since… god…Gerard… I felt my eyes starting to tear and I blinked them back… No… I was driving. I had to hold it together… I mean I crossed the Outerbridge. I could do this. I could totally fucking do this… Nicky was waiting for me, my dad was waiting for me and I wasn’t gonna let him down…

I followed the shoddy directions my dad gave me on the phone and pulled up to the nastiest looking bar you ever did see. When he had called me I just grabbed my keys and ran out. I didn’t even put on a bra. A fact that I soon regretted as I walked into the bar... I mean I had on a flimsy tank top that was practically see through and a pair of drawstring type pajama pants and heels. I mean I always wore heels.

I folded my arms across my chest as I looked around. There were quite a few people here. Mostly scary ass biker looking guys, ex-cons and shit. I don't know why I was so surprised. I mean when Nicky said bar, I wasn’t exactly picturing him sipping on a martini anywhere but this wasn’t what I thought either.

I heard a couple men laughing and I looked over and there he was… It was Nicky sitting by the bar, laughing it up with a few men I had never seen before in my life. Actually one of them looked kinda familiar, but I couldn’t place him…All of a sudden Nicky looked over and saw me…

“There’s my Mish!” He called out and I smiled at him as I went over. “Ah this is Jo-Jo and Jim and you know Eddie from Sammy’s funeral.” He says gesturing at the somewhat familiar man.

“Oh okay.” I sorta nodded at him. I mean I guess that’s where I saw him, I didn’t really know. I didn’t really care. He kinda nodded back as Nicky kept talking.

“Hey Jim get my girl a drink.” He says and apparently Jim was the bartender or something.

“Oh no wait Nicky I’m not-“ I started to argue but he forced a beer into my hand and he smiled and I just smiled back at him. I mean I wasn’t planning on staying. I just thought he wanted me to pick him up. Like if I knew he wanted to sit and drink I would’ve gotten dressed and waited for Bob and shit you know?

“Sit down Mish.” He tells me and it was at the tip of my tongue to tell him to stop calling me that, that my name is Elle but I didn’t…

“Kay, but let me see if I have a sweater or something in the car.” I say and he kinda made a face. “I mean I wasn’t really gonna come sit.” I sorta shifted my arms across my chest again, tugging at the bottom of the tank top slightly and he frowned. “I'm not dressed you know?” I shrugged and he slammed his beer down on the counter roughly.

“Does anyone have a problem with the way my daughter is dressed?” He announces quite loudly and it sorta got quiet for a minute. I mean some people quickly looked away and others kinda shrugged and then looked away… There were mumblings of ‘of course not Nick’ and ‘absolutely not Nick’ and I don't know, it was just weird. I don't know how so many people knew who he was. Nicky sorta shrugged like that was that then and he pushed me down on to the barstool.

I don't know how long I sat there looking up adoringly at him for. Several rounds of beers I suppose… I mean I could’ve sat there all night listening to him talk. I mean I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about half the time, he was just telling stories with his friends, or who I would assume were his friends but I didn't really know the men so I couldn’t be sure. But if Nicky laughed, they would laugh. If he didn’t, they didn’t. It was all so surreal…

But the best part was that I could touch him. I hated that about visiting him in prison. I mean they let you have a quick hug at the beginning and then again at the end and that was it. I didn’t know how to do a quick hug. Once I latch on to somebody I can’t let go… Not if I love them…

Somehow during the night I managed to latch myself onto Nicky and he didn’t seem to mind. It must’ve been quite a sight too. Like if you didn’t know he was my father… I mean I was a young 20 something yr old girl, dressed sorta slutty hanging on to Nicky! And Nicky was a fucking 45 years old man and just everything about him screamed ex-con. I mean you couldn’t tell by looking at him that he was really just a harmless little tiger cub…

Respect. That’s what prison was all about, or at least that’s what he told me. And you didn’t just get it, you had to earn it... People think that like nothing goes on in a prison -that like everyone is isolated and that’s just not true. It’s like its own little city. And you need to claim a spot and defend it. That’s all Nicky was doing. He was just trying to fit in. They just had too many fucking rules and shit and they were picking on him, extending his sentence for every little fucking thing he did wrong... But whatever, that was all in the past now…as long as he didn’t make any trouble he would be free on parole. And he wasn’t gonna make any trouble, he promised… No wait, he actually promised that they wouldn’t ‘catch him’ making trouble…But I guess that’s kinda the same thing…

I mean I wasn’t gonna let him go back there. They’d have to pry me off him, like literally. I had my arms wrapped around his waist and I was behind him leaning my head against his back as he spoke to that Eddie guy. I was squeezing as hard as I could but I don't think he even felt me. Nicky was like a fucking rock. He made Bobby feel like a marshmallow. But I guess there’s not much else to do in prison…

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath of and then all of a sudden I could feel someone come up behind me. And as they moved past me to lean up to the bar to order a drink, they kinda grabbed at my ass and I pulled back from Nicky like what the hell… But stupid me turns to the left when they're now on my right and I was halfway spun around when I heard their voice…

“Lemme get a beer.” He says and I instantly froze. I felt the blood drain from my face… That voice… fuck… I hadn’t heard it in so long, but it was a voice I could never forget… it was Brutus…